Breaking up with someone who's bipolar

[zellen]

I'm a man who's met the most wonderful woman. The problem is that she was with someone beforehand who she says is bipolar. She says they've split up, and I believe her, but from things like facebook (only what's on the wall, etc), it's not entirely clear he understands this. I've not met this person and he lives a distance away. In an ideal world, he would be completely out of the picture

My new partner has asked me to be a little patient. However, I feel decidedly uncomfortable that he is still on the scene. I don't want to appear insensitive to the difficult situation, but also, it does make me feel a little uncomfortable.

How would you handle this situation? I trust my new partner in that she is being honest with me

Bertie, come on, now we're just playing semantics

"break ups and bipolar" OK
"breaking up with someone with bipolar" hideously offensive

We've all got a bit riled, and there is some good advice on this thread. Thanks to those.

Nobody said it was hideously offensive, it's just part of a pattern of smaller things which is tiresome when you're part of the group which is on the receiving end of it.

Just quit with the defensiveness, admit it was a mistake, and move on. Nobody's getting at you personally, and it is "just" semantics, but semantics matter - just a friendly reminder. :)

I think what's coming across is that for those who live with bipolar, they are concerned by the stigma. To someone like me who doesn't live with bipolar, to ask whether there are any issues surrounding bipolar doesn't sound massively offensive. It's just asking a question. Should we be concerned? Are there any issues? Are the threats to kill themselves credible?

We've spent far too much time on this thread focusing on the rudeness, rather than what I originally asked

Ok. I suppose like anyone else, it's easy to get defensive when unreasonably attacked. Truce?

What you are doing is involving yourself with someone who is involved. The bp is largely irrelevant. Whatever the situation involving yourself with someone who is involved is a bad idea. It is even worse as an idea, to then get involved with the break up and have little paternal pow wows about the boyfriend's mental state. This is not likely to end well and you are going off the secondhand info of someone who has every reason to be emotionally manipulative (which is why you are posting). If you don't want to hear this and think everything is fine why post?

think have said at least twice now that yes, threats probably are credible - relationship breakdowns can trigger episodes, people with bipolar are quite likely to make an attempt on their life (actually multiple attempts throughout course of illness) and some people with bipolar are sometimes violent when unwell

but none of this is a very good reason for someone to stay in a relationship while taking up a new one

zellen you've got no-one to blame for that than yourself. You've come on here and upset people and now you're peeved that people have talked more about that than what you wanted to know.

And you're very defensive and happy to argue back, why not just apologise? You've managed to keep the arguments going quite well.

Agree with Bertie that semantics matter, but they seem beyond your grasp, zellen as evidenced by several of your posts.

The person who PM'ed me, I tried to respond, but not able to send PMs right now, don't know why it's not working, will contact MN :)

Not unreasonably, you said yourself it was offensive.

Offred, I'm happy to hear exactly what you're saying. That is precisely why I posted. I just didn't expect to be told I was "thick" for asking. I'm genuinely open to hearing good advice.

As my new girlfriend sees it, she is not in a relationship with her ex, but she is undeniably still involved

I'm bipolar and I've never had any difficulty understanding when a relationship is over.

I've also never killed any of my exes.

Tired, I've apologised several times. I think we're all agreed that some implications I said about bipolar were inappropriate, but that I was attacked in an unreasonable manner. If I'd have been rude, I would retorted to "thick" and "ignorant". I didn't.

That's what she says to you. I also think you are desperate to call her your girlfriend, I don't see how she could be really and calling her that doesn't make it so no matter how much you want it. I really think you need desperately to protect yourself in this. If she is that great it can wait until she is not involved with her boyfriend anymore can't it. Everything about this stinks of your desperation to believe someone who is abusing your feelings.

tired, we'll just have to agree to disagree. Plenty of people think I've been been polite and reasonable throughout. You're still there with the "beyond my comprehension" comments. I'm not going to go there.

Offred, but girlfriend is again shorthand for "woman I've been seeing for the past two months"

We are not all agreed at all. Why do you say that? And who are you to speak for everyone else?

Thing is, lots of people are ignorant, by which I mean uninformed about mental illness. And going 'Waah, blaaah, how very dare you?' is not the best way to educate anyone.
OP: there are two possible scenarios here. Firstly that your girlfriend is not being entirely honest with you, and is someone who likes a bit of a harem ie feeding her ego by having all her XPs hanging on to the hope that she will come back.
Secondly: this XP has been abusive to her and made threats, and she is frightened of what he might do if she tells him to go and fuck himself.

Do you know if he has actually been diagnosed as bipolar by a doctor? While I am not having a go at anyone who has bipolar disorder, nor suggesting it's a made-up illness, it is one of those illnesses that some people claim to have by way of excusing arsehole behaviour, just like depression: abusive people often claim to be 'depressed' as a way of getting others to indulge and forgive them.

No, it isn't and you started with partner. If she is "girl I've been seeing" then that's what you'd call her. There are warning signs here with her getting involved with you before extricating herself from him and then involving you in her relationship with him. You only know what she tells you about him, think how you'd feel if you were him and think about how much you really know about him and look more objectively and less emotionally at what she is actually showing you with her actions. Are you both quite young?

Tired, did you not see the comma in that sentence? You're just looking for an argument. I don't want one.

Solid, the truth is, I don't know which of the two situations is true. What I've been told is that he has been diagnosed with bipolar

nobody went 'Waah, blaaah, how very dare you?', thanks SGB

Which comma? Please explain where I got it wrong.

No, we're both in our 30s. The argument isn't about whether we're partners, boyfriend and girlfriend, fuckbuddies or whatever. It's clear from my OP this is a new relationship. I completely take your point about it's unwise to begin a new relationship when still in an old one.

What my "GIHBSFTPTM" (girl i have been seeing for the past two months) is that she is telling me they have split up. He is 100s of miles away BTW, and the only contact is through email / facebook, so she thought she was free to begin a new relationship, but he doesn't seem to be so clear on this.

It could all be a pack of lies. I accept this

It is also possible that she feels guilty about leaving someone who has a mental health issue. Even though it's fine to do that; just because someone is unwell doesn't mean that they are owed a relationship with a person who wants to leave.
My advice would be: don't start willywaving and going 'It's him or me!' Take things nice and easy. You are, after all, only dating this woman, so you do have the option of walking away. However, if his FB posts or other behaviour become threatening or worrying, then it's time to get the authorities involved: if he makes threats to kill himself then his family/other friends should be advised to seek help for him; if he makes threats to harm her, or you, then contact the police. If he is mentally ill he will be given treatment. If he's just an arsehole he will be arrested if necessary.

Tired, you're looking for an argument, rather than a discussion, but I'm not going to descend to it. I'm sure you could have had some good advice. It's a shame

Oh ffs give him a break he seems like a nice man just trying to get some advice.
No wonder people don't want to come back here after they make a tiny mistake and get jumped on.