Breaking up with someone who's bipolar

[zellen]

I'm a man who's met the most wonderful woman. The problem is that she was with someone beforehand who she says is bipolar. She says they've split up, and I believe her, but from things like facebook (only what's on the wall, etc), it's not entirely clear he understands this. I've not met this person and he lives a distance away. In an ideal world, he would be completely out of the picture

My new partner has asked me to be a little patient. However, I feel decidedly uncomfortable that he is still on the scene. I don't want to appear insensitive to the difficult situation, but also, it does make me feel a little uncomfortable.

How would you handle this situation? I trust my new partner in that she is being honest with me

Alameda everybody has told OP that the bipolar has nothing to do with his new partner's emotional availability (or current lack thereof) but he insisted on returning to the original, ignorant theme

Why do you think he is talking about the bipolar? . . . Oh yes, because that is the reason his girlfriend has given for not upsetting the ex, the point OF THIS WHOLE FUCKING THREAD!

No problem. It cannot feel good for you to be treated like this and emotionally blackmailed yourself. In case she is acting in good faith and scared to break up because he threatens to hurt himself you could point her in the direction of the Mind helpline or the MDF Foundation where she can learn more about the condition.

Alameda but it really won't be the bipolar that is the problem - that is everyone's point, the difficulties your partner's ex is having are not related to the bipolar

But the girlfriend thinks they are. So if anyone needs educating on it perhaps its the girlfriend. The op has started a thread based on the reason his girlfriend has given and is being ripped to shreds for it!

it didn't make any sense, any more than 'breaking up with someone who has schizophrenia' or 'breaking up with someone who has epilepsy' or depression or COPD or ME or prostate cancer or any condition

think there has been plenty of good general advice despite that

stigma is a big big big problem, which stops people from accessing treatment and support - it's not fair to accuse people of just looking for something to be offended at when they see stigmatising material displayed here

Agree with Almeda. It's the thread title that's wrong. If it said 'Girlfriend won't break ties with ex and says it's because he's bipolar, don't know what to think' people would want to help.

What I was trying to get at is that if there were no mental health issues at all, I would be in doubt that he should be 100% out of the picture before any relationship began. However, I have been told by my new girlfriend that his bipolar condition and threats to kill himself make it more more difficult than normal to sever contact completely.

I'm sorry Alameda, but I think the way you expressed yourself clouded the discussion a little, and not in a particularly positive way.

Alameda of course someone's medical/psychiatric history has a bearing on how a break-up goes and is handled. Someone's medical history is part of who they are, how they think, how they deal with life. Would you break up with a partner just the same if they'd just won the lottery and got a fantastic new job, compared to someone who'd just received a diagnosis of terminal cancer and experienced a bereavement? I know these are extreme examples, but don't dismiss the principle that people may handle break-ups differently depending on what else has happened in their lives.

I can see it was might be offensive, but my "Breaking up with someone who's bipolar" was intended to be a shorter version of "'Girlfriend won't break ties with ex and says it's because he's bipolar, don't know what to think". If you read my first post, that's pretty much what I said. I don't see why I was attacked so much

zellen if you'd given your thread a different title, like the one I've just suggested, you wouldn't have your discussion 'clouded'!!

You can't blame someone for being offended when you're the one who offended them. I'd like to point out that Alameda isn't alone in being offended, there are several people on here, including me!

Sorry, in a previous past, I meant "I would be in no"

People are getting annoyed by your (unfortunate) manner. Your posts imply people have to tip toe around the mentally ill incase they flip out and kill you, many people on this forum and in RL have mental health problems and understandably find this attitude offensive. Perhaps you didn't mean to come across in this way.

You new "girlfriend" does not sound like a keeper tbh and you sound way too emotionally involved. She's either leading you a merry dance or she's got issues which are a warning sign to stay away or both. She is not your girlfriend, especially not your partner I would say and she won't be until she has split up with her last boyfriend. I would advise you to leave her to it and find someone who is less likely to play with your feelings. "I can't dump him cos he'd flip out" is the oldest excuse in the book.

well, like I said, ending a relationship is the sort of thing that could trigger an episode and while some people with bipolar do become violent to others when they are unwell they are a minority - he might well make an attempt on his life but she can't stay with him just for that reason, don't know the rates of suicide attempts in bipolar but they are high anyway, if it wasn't this relationship it could be something else or nothing

I can see it was might be offended [sic]...I don't see why I was attacked so much.

No much insight there!

Not

Tired, the thing is, I did give it the title you suggested!!! (albeit shortened)

That's ridiculous! The sense is completely different.

Ok, it's late and I'm typing quickly. Apologies for typos. You're right though. I don't really get how the title is offensive.

I could have written as you suggested, "My girlfriend is finding it hard to break contact with her ex who she says is bipolar and I don't know what to think". But instead, I wrote "breaking up with someone who is bipolar". It's a summary of the OP

It's not, it's basically a keyword version of the same sentence

If you don't get it, read Offred's post. She sums it up quite nicely...

It's not "looking to be offended" to be offended by assumptions made on a thread about a mental illness.

It was out of order to call the OP thick.

I think the title and assumptions made were misguided and I think Alameda was just looking to pull you up on that, which is fair, and no reason to get defensive. A polite response would have been to apologise for any offence caused and to perhaps redefine, which you have done, as what you're really asking is "I don't know anything about this condition. Is it relevant or is my girlfriend/her ex using it as an excuse?" It read quite differently at the beginning of the thread.

Offred's post is good. Of course, I disagree over whether she's a keeper or not. But then I'm biased.

Perhaps we could all tell my girlfriend that her ex's threats to kill himself are irrelevant and she needn't worry at all

Xposted a lot.

The thing is that it's still in sentence form. A keyword version would be "Break ups and bipolar" or something.

The title "breaking up with someone with bipolar" implies assumptions about "people with bipolar" and how they might react to a break up. That is why it is offensive.

Bertie, thank you, that's pretty much what I did.

The threats to kill himself aren't irrelevant, but she can't skirt around breaking up with him based on a small chance he's being serious, even if he is, it isn't her responsibility to stay with him to prevent him from doing so. If she is worried about him then she should instruct some friends to keep a close eye on him and contact the police about any direct threats he makes to her. She isn't an appropriate person to be offering sympathy to him about their break up.