New baby visits, in laws and arguments - already

[JenJen84]

I broached the subject of visits, in the first few weeks when baby comes along, yesterday.
Sadly the discussion didn't go as planned. I had hoped, that in the first fortnight we'd get a bit of time together to bond with baby, get used to being parents and more over slob about, be a little family and get to know each other. I don't think my OH and I are on the same page. I tried to politely hint that we might want our parents (mine and his) to give us a little space around that time. He has taken it as we're turning his parents away(?!) and how rude of me to suggest they shouldn't be here every day.

Truth be told, I'm a bit scared of the new baby and I know it's a time when I'll want my partner and need his support and not really be in a position to entertain. I can already feel my stress levels rising at the thought of being tired, exhausted really and scared and then having to trade pleasentaries and put up with the baby being passed around ontop of everything.

If anyone has any good advice, I'd love to hear it. I try really hard to suggest things in a way which doesn't cause an argument, but it always does. I worry it's a fundamental clash of personalities and that makes me sad.

My parents and I laws where fantastic was pleased to see them as much as they liked. All offered loads of help getting dinner done tidying house etc. when dd came along later dh parents were invaluable and made a real fuss of ds while I did what needed to be done with dd. extended family, for me, was and still is important. X

You may find that you really want to show your baby off

I suppose it depends on your connection with family, normally maybe. My own mum will not be coming round and doing much, because she understands me and how I am and that I'll need my space to cope. I've never been the dependant type so I guess that's where OHs family and I differ, because he's very dependant.

Hi JenJen84,

First of all it's normal to feel scared of having a new tiny baby to look after! I'd only held two babies for about two minutes before I had my DS so I was scared too! It doesn't all come naturally, but you will pick everything up quickly!

I think your OH maybe doesn't understand or can't imagine what the first few weeks will be like. To be fair it is hard to imagine before it happens! Do you have any friends or relatives with babies or children that could have a chat with him?

I had my mum stay with us for a week after the birth to help with cleaning and looking after me (so I could look after the baby), but my mum is helpful and I can ask her to do anything and she's happy to help.

The visitors thing is hard. It's nice to have visitors who come for about an hour with gifts for you and the baby, offer to do the washing up or make tea, then sod off!

If you're going to have visitors who just sit there hour after hour so you can't have a sleep and expect you to wait on them, then I'd say if they're rude enough to impose like that, then be assertive and do what you need to do. If you want to breastfeed the most important thing is that you and the baby are close and you are more or less constantly offering your boob (I wasn't successful in breastfeeding, but I think this is where I went wrong), so you just take the baby and go lie down in your bedroom with the baby. Take your time, don't be embarrassed or worry about offending people. I'd say as well if you want to have a nap, take the baby with you!

DDF - thanks for your reply. That's one thing I know for sure I wont be wanting or focussing on doing. It's going to be hard enough without worrying about privacy etc.
I'm a very private person, I have really tried to get some house rules in place during the pregnancy to make life easier but it's never happened. I know I am probably the awkward one, being so private - but I feel like if you can't have house rules in your own house - where can you have them?

Your DH might be completely different once your baby has arrived. When he has witnessed the birth how your are emotionally after he will probably be more protective of you.

Depending how your family are (my sis called in with a casserole and left with a load of washing and ironing) don't "ban" them altogether, they are also very excited about the new arrival. Just tell DH that no more than two people at a time can visit (you don't want your little one being handed from person to person)

After DS1 leaving hospital with a cold (really best avoided when you are trying to establish feeding) I made sure that visits were kept short and sweet and made it very public that anyone with a vague sniff was not welcome.

Play it by ear, and see how it goes, but dont stress yourself for the moment, its really not worth it.

You need to tell him what you've just written here rather than 'hinting'. For me two weeks stuck in the house with a new born would be very very intense! Are you planning on letting the grandparents visit you in hospital? I think if you are you'd be fine to then ask for a couple of days at home alone with the baby and after that keep visits short.

Let your dp know how you're feeling, hopefully once he understands how you're feeling he'll be supportive and you'll be able to come to a compromise (eg. no passing the baby between lots of people and dp gets rid of everyone as soon as you're finding it too much).

Dont get too stressed about it, you dont know how you'll feel when the baby arrives.

Hi Cherry
Thank you. I am so very scared about knowing what to do, but I know also that I don't want to be rail roaded into anything either. Sometimes I guess I am frightened that I'll get pushed out. I am not very outspoken in person and find it hard to be assertive and tend to bend in order to please other people.
I am also definitely odd in the sense I've lived alone for some time and having unannounced visitors fills me with dread:

1. I'll be a mess
2. What if I have only just got baby to sleep and dogs go mad at door all day (3 big dogs!)
3. What if we're enjoying some quiet couple time and we get interrupted - my OH works so hard and only gets his two weeks off, I really wanted it to be special for us and our baby.

I haven't got any friends with kids, and missed out on antenatal classes. I have been a bit isolated through my pregnancy and I guess I'm worrying now that I will be descended upon when all I want to do is be cuddled by my OH and cuddle my baby and rest!

I wouldn't make any grand statements that you can't go back on - you don't know how you'll feel at the time and what support you'll need.

After my DDs were born, my mother totally came into her own, she tidied my house up whilst I was in hospital so I came home to a sparkling house, and didn't have to worry about housework for two weeks, she helped do my washing... And so on. She used to pop round, have a cup of coffee (which she made herself), have a chat and a cuddle and then get on with some housework - ironing, washing etc etc... It really did make life so much easier for all of us, yet she never outstayed her welcome (living close by, she'd only pop in for an hour at a time). When I had DD2, I was in quite a state afterwards and had to sign myself out of hospital after 3 days - again, she was brilliant looking after DD1, so I could focus on DD2.

That said, I think it does also depend in how helpful family members are - whether they'll be like my mum, utter star who really helped, or like my MIL, who sat there and watched me make her a cup of tea just three hours after I signed myself out of the hospital and whilst still coming off the morphine!

See how you feel once the baby arrives. My family live abroad and we booked my mums flight over for 2 weeks after my due date ( hoping baby would be on time) my Dh wanted us to take the first couple of weeks getting to know our DD and finding our feet etc. It worked out well DD was born 4 days over due, Dh took a week off and we spent that time together - with visitors every day, then the second week Dh went back to work and I had 4 days on my own to get use to Dd and then my mum arrived.... I was so happy to see her and have the help!!!! It can be a bit tricky with mum knows best but we have a great relationship and I just tell her she is over stepping.

I was very grateful to have my mum over but everyone is different.

Good luck

I think perhaps I am too independant to a fault. Maybe I need to get used to the idea of needing people around.
I don't like not being able to cope, I don't like feeling like other people are "helping me out" because that means I'm failing and I don't want to fail I guess.

I'd love them to visit in hospital. I think maybe the real problem is I hadn't built huge relationships with these people prior to baby coming along, I'm still very shy and very intimidated by his family.

That may well be the issue. My mum could come and genuinely melt in with the background, however I'm not sure with his parents.
Only last night they came round (at dinner time while I was making dinner) and proceeded to stand in the kitchen chatting to OH while I was trying to cook, watched me take it off the hob and still stayed.
It was cold by the time they left. :(

I know exactly how you are feeling I have 4 dc's and expecting in dec dh and I have also started this discussion as my mil is not the helpful type she also does not agree with bf as it excludes others apparently and last time she was actually waiting on the doorstep when I arrived home from hospital took ds off me and asked for a cuppa! My dh also does not see the problem and feels I'm trying to exclude them which is not true I'm obviously happy for them to visit but I feel we need ground rules.

Hopefully this time I will be a little more assertive and say if I want to go to bed and off I will go, if anyone sits and expects to be waited on they'll be waiting a long time and no-one will be told the exact moment I leave hospital.

Maybe agree to them visiting in hospital then have time as a family at home. Hospital visiting is limited but if they come to your house they won't be. When I had my dd I was in hospital for three days, I was sore exhausted and emotional. 10 mins after arriving home my living room was filled with 9 relatives all playing pass the parcel while I made drinks for them and the buggers all sat on my nice comfy sofas while I perched on a wooden dining chair with my battered and torn lady bits :(

It wasn't the nicest experience and I just wanted to tell them all to Sod off so I could lay in my bed and snuggle my newborn!

Jen I think you're right to make some groundrules now - I found in law visits very, very difficult.

My mum had been great - doing laundry, cooking dinner, no unasked-for advice ( she is not always like this tbh!!) but my mother in law was terrible - possibly one of my worst ever weeks. Just sat reading for a whole week, was annoyed whenever the baby cried (and said it was my fault because I was so tense!!!!!! ) and didn't lift a finger to help but told me the floor needed cleaning.

Please be more assertive than I was

I think maybe men are more used to being cossetted by their mums and look forward to it (after the stress of birth you understand!!) and maybe some of us girls are more independant? Maybe?...
Either way I think I just want to be happy and not stressed for our special time at home. I'm just sad now and thinking I can't go against what OH wants but I know I will be narky with too many visitors.

He's not great at compromise really either. He will feel if I impose rules, that's wrong too.

I asked that his parents no longer used their key to get in to our house and that wrong too :(

Googie :( that sounds awful.
The other day she passed comment that the floor was full of hair (dogs not mine!) Hard work to keep on top of it even though they aren't in the house-proper and I'm tired and OH in fairness works like a dog, he isn't here to clean up!

I know exactly how you feel, I just didn't want loads of visitors in those first couple of weeks. Luckily my partner was very supportive in the end. Try explaining to him very directly how you feel. We asked relatives to stay in hotels, not with us, and agreed to only allow people to have short visits (and when the time came they really were short as I was so tired I couldn't cope with people for more than 30mins). It is nice to show off your baby but I really needed that quiet family time too. I felt very awkward breast feeding in front of people, so I asked them to leave the room (I didn't feel I should have to move rooms in my own home). If people outstayed their welcome I took myself and the baby off to bed (and they soon left :)). I 'trained' my dp to politely get people to bugger off! Some visitors such as my mum were great as they made dinner, cups of tea, did washing etc. but other visitors were just a pain. Ironically having a baby has made me more assertive. I refuse to feel uncomfortable in my own home, and me and my baby come first. Don't feel scared, those first few weeks are the most amazing time ever. Every time I looked at dd, no matter how tired I felt, I just wanted to cry with happiness (still do now actually!). Just discuss more with your dp what you both want and set some boundaries with other people. Don't feel pressured, there's no right or wrong way to do it. Some people want family around every day, others don't (I definitely didn't xxx

Maybe ask them to give you a "babymoon " of a few days to recover, make sure they get to come & see you all in hospital so they can coo over the baby & then batten down the hatches. Put it to your OP as you have here you want some family time just you 3 at first.

Say firmly "we'll be having visitors for a few hours a day from X" & make sure OP realises all the entertaining will be down to him in the first few weeks. If you need to go off & rest or feed baby then say you will go & you don't want to be made to feel guilty.

Please don't try & do everything yourself, look on it not as failing but as accepting help with all the other boring stuff so YOU can rest & be there for baby.
Visitors like to feel useful but often don't offer if they think you're OK. Be ruthless at delegating or accepting help, play to their strengths, ask them to so chores/make things they can do well or easily.

(chum of mine always came with tins of lovely homemade goodies....MIL did the ironing as she is a whiz at it....painfully slow but it gets done)

And don't worry it will be lovely......congratulations!

Well currently I never know whether they are coming or not, or when. They let themselves in, despite me making that part BLINDINGLY clear to OH that it wasn't on.

What I was thinking was, that it would be nice to get a phone call like this
Them: "Hi you two - do you want company/some help/can we come see the baby if she's awake?"
Us "Yes please/No thanks"

Every time I have asked for this OH says that he'll just "tell his parents not to bother" childish response lol or "they've never had to do that before" etc etc

I don't see a quick phone call as being hard - as I say, we have 3 large dog who go ballistic when the door goes - a bit of notice allows us to put them away so no-one gets disturbed :)

Maybe it would be a good idea to tell your oh that you would like the in laws to visit you in hospital (you will hopefully be helped by the short and strict visiting hours!), and then agree that you would like them to wait a set number of days before visiting you at home?

Avoid unexpected visits - be brave and take control, text them and say "would you like to visit for an hour tomorrow at 3pm?", be specific, then when it gets to 4pm wind it down and say "thank you for coming to visit, it's been really nice! I must see if I can get LO to take a nap now" and take yourself and the baby to your bedroom.

To avoid looking a total mess, I bought some new pjs and one set had black trousers, I actually left the hospital in these as they were so comfy:) I really think its worth buying some 'smart' pjs that look a bit like sports wear/loungewear so you can get up and see people, but you can get straight back into bed once they've gone! Also, just try to have a quick shower, hair wash and face wash etc done first thing in the morning, then it's done. I did feel as though I had made a colossal achievement by managing to wash my hair after DS was born! My friend had a baby at the same time and swore by dry in shampoo!

I personally wanted to get the in law visit over and done with before the baby blues set in, so I had them over on day 3. In the event I didn't get any baby blues luckily. The visit was a pain (literally), they all made themselves comfy on the sofa whilst I had to sit on a wooden stool with sore lady bits - totally same as DillyDolly !

I think with visitors disturbing the dogs and then the baby and disturbing your family time just have to be managed with organised visits really. If it helps my DS slept through the smoke alarm twice in one day :o Sometimes you can get away with it!

I think if you can get yourself to any antenatal classes now it would be good, even antenatal Pilates or something like that as it does help to compare worries etc with people who are going through the same thing. Also after the baby is born, try to go to mum and baby groups, I'm not a great one for socialising, but even a 5 minute chat kept me feeling sane in those first weeks.

Also, do you think it would be worth inviting your in laws out to Sunday lunch or something. It's probably the right time to get to know each other better as they will be part of your life, but they don't have to take over your life. If you got to know them a bit better you hopefully will feel a bit more confident and assertive around them?

my mum visited every day and did

washing

ironing
cleaning
gardening
washing up
cooking

and had a 5 minute cuddle with baby

she wanted to help me bond with baby by giving me the time to do so.

could you ask your PIl and parents to do the same?

Maybe I am going to have to be more assertive then HS! :)

Thanks flowerflo, it's nice to hear someone feels the same. I know I am probably one of the exceptions to the rule but I really think I'm going to want a little breathing space - but I'll admit, of course, I don't KNOW yet!