New baby visits, in laws and arguments - already

[JenJen84]

I broached the subject of visits, in the first few weeks when baby comes along, yesterday.
Sadly the discussion didn't go as planned. I had hoped, that in the first fortnight we'd get a bit of time together to bond with baby, get used to being parents and more over slob about, be a little family and get to know each other. I don't think my OH and I are on the same page. I tried to politely hint that we might want our parents (mine and his) to give us a little space around that time. He has taken it as we're turning his parents away(?!) and how rude of me to suggest they shouldn't be here every day.

Truth be told, I'm a bit scared of the new baby and I know it's a time when I'll want my partner and need his support and not really be in a position to entertain. I can already feel my stress levels rising at the thought of being tired, exhausted really and scared and then having to trade pleasentaries and put up with the baby being passed around ontop of everything.

If anyone has any good advice, I'd love to hear it. I try really hard to suggest things in a way which doesn't cause an argument, but it always does. I worry it's a fundamental clash of personalities and that makes me sad.

Oh, and the breastfeeding. Tell OH that you need privacy and lots of time to get it sorted. If he doesn't get it, tell him you want him to share the experience, and therefore, every time you need to feed, he is going to strip buck-naked and sit on the sofa next to you. If he still wants his parents there, well, ok ...

Oh, and mention that you've given your mum a key and told her to let herself in any time of day or night, and that she's thinking of popping round to bring you a cuppa in bed at 6am but don't worry, she doesn't mind if he is still asleep in bed too, she'll just nip in anyway.

I second Bertha, if all else fails......dig deep and just get that baby on your boob whenever they come round....I found there was nothing quite like it for embarrassing my inlaws (not intentional) but could be a bloody Godsend for you as they could end up feeling awkward coming round PROBLEM SOLVED!!!

Smashing advice from Bertha. You don't have to be a people pleaser op. you can be a nice person and still look after yourself. You are the one carrying your baby, you will labour for hours and bring it into the world and then be up all hours of the day and night feeding it. Why are you the person whose interests have to come last? You should come first. You are the person, the only person your baby needs. Yes it is nice for it to have a loving father and loving grandparents, but in the early days, it's all about you I'm afraid.

As an alternative, if you can afford it, would be to recruit a rottweiler-like maternity nurse to look after you in the first week you are out of hospital. Thinking of someone like Hattie Jacques as a hospital matron with your pils. That should help to keep them at a distance, if all else fails.

You could always tell your dp/dh that the midwife has said you will be at a much higher risk of developing pnd if you aren't able to arrange you first weeks at home with a new baby to be planned the way you would like/need them to be.

Jenjen84 I could have written your post!! My exH, was too dependant on his toxic mum and sil. They had this strong attachment to each other that seemed very awkward and unhealthy to me. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I am not the very 'social' type of a lady.Mil was soooo hungry for a grandC and I could foresee difficulties before dd was born just like you do now.

Mil and sil had keys to our house, walked in and out anytime they wanted. To make matters worse, even in our bedroom which I personally think is total lack of respect for our privacy ! I kept going on about the whole thing to exH, but he would respond "wherever I live, is my family's house too" kinda like 'so put up with it and shut the hell up'. Ohh the pressure kicked in harder and harder as I got near my due date at 39wks I took exH out for a meal wanting to talk to him regarding his fam and that I needed space to bond with baby as well as him before we start having visits everyday(no choice). Do you think he listened to that "so called crap?"
I had no choice rather than to put up with it and shut up, however I wasn't sure if I'd cope with it after dd was born.
Long story short, dd was born and we brought her home, the next thing I saw was my mil and sil bags!! WTF?!! Moving in! Without my consent. I could see it coming and now it was gna be 100times worse. I never wanted guests around leave alone toxic ils.

The rsn why he is exH, this relationship went down the hill every single day after dd was born. Mil bullying and sil calling me any name under the sun. ExH became emotionally, mentally, financially and physically abusive. His family backed him up of course. The last thing they did, they wanted to get rid of me and have my dd to themselves, can you imagine they called the police and lied I had gone mental and I ended up being locked up in a mental institution for days until the doctors ruled out the accusation!! As I type now, dd is 7mnths and we are in refuge! I do not regret whatsoever running away from this toxic vile family.

Honey, please look after yourself and if you smell signs of bullying, lack of respect(already happening, the key thing), emotional abuse, please do something about it. Your dh might me soo lovely but when it comes to creating family boundaries, these very dependant men are tooo weak and you wwill certainly be the victim in this whole cirle.

These are for you, all the best honey and be strong for your dc2b.

tb is very right, if you could arrange something with midwife to stay abit longer(but it will depend on how busy their postnatal wards are) that would be great. I suffered from pnd due to all that interference and lack of space to bond with my new angel. If that doesn't work, speak to your HV(you'll get one once baby is born) and tell her how you feel every time she visits(they normally do two home visits) but you can request her to visit more(mine did for 7mnths! :) till we fled for refuge) Your likely to be abit low if your toxic ils will not let you be and you are going to need that extra support and encouragement from an independent professional person. Im just speaking from experience and I hope you'll take the great advices given on here. If only I knew Mnet then...

please be careful, this sort of thing badly handled can have long lasting effects. I too have unfortunate experiences of visiting inconsiderate in laws and it went on and on and I got quite depressed. Not saying this will happen to you but while it can all be marvellous it can also end in tears. You never know if you're going to be having a bad day breastfeeding, or be in pain, or have a crappy bleeding day, or what. I think for at least a week after a new baby you need to be in control and not just that, to feel like you're in control. People never know when to leave and they all have advice and it can be just awful. Mums are different somehow.

I hid in the toilet sometimes. It could be so horrible.

you've been trying to get your oh to see that you don't want his family living in your ear and his response is to ask them to go to a growth scan with you?! that is, to your medical appointment?

my own feeling about this is that the person who gave birth - the person who is bleeding, in pain, trying to establish breast feeding, and utterly knackered - is the person who gets to decide who visits, and when.

perhaps you should give your family keys to the house and encourage them to turn up unannounced and just waltz in whenever the whim took them, then see if he understands your position a bit better?

I also think the birth scan thing is a grim thing too. My mil sat in unasked on a medical visit with me (no balls at all, me) and I had to reveal that i'd had a termination to the doc. Feelings of losing control are terribly important, and with a new baby, I wouldn't wish them on anyone.

reading thorugh a bit more-- | would seriously consider changing th elocks

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

I sat and wrote a long piece to my OH last night and sat him down to read it while I made dinner.

At first he laughed and said I was silly (nicely) to write that. I asked him how he felt and he immediately said "Well I can see I'll have to go visit my parents on my own."

I don't know HOW he ended up at that, as it didn't say anything like that - simply, could we get people to call first and give us the option of company and chance to put dogs away etc. :(

It degenerated into "words" again and I felt totally lost, cue crying and OH said that he thought his parents would understand anyway as he'd spoken to them the night before and they'd talked about how HIS parents felt stifled by their mother.... HOW we ended up having words, when this was talked about by them only the night before I don't know.

But then I realise and said as much, OH is the weak link. He is obviously the only one who doesn't understand, in that case.

He ended up relenting and saying we could do it the way I'd like to and he'd support me, but I must say I feel a twinge of portent that it wont be like that at all.

We will see, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt now and see where we go, 3 weeks, 3 days til my due date :)

Thanks again for all your comments, I have to say I have felt like a total freak some days and now after hearing people feel the same, well we're either quite normal or we're ALL freaks :)

xxx

Glad he listened, op. Fingers crossed.

Hi Jen,

Glad he listened! Sometimes the fact you've gone to the trouble of writing it down helps them take you a bit more seriously!

I hope he sticks to his word.

You just need to keep in mind what you are/aren't comfortable with and the basic ground rules (such as not letting themselves in without so much as a knock on the door). As soon as something happens you aren't comfortable with, you must say at the time and nip it in the bud! Do it for yourself!

I'm just sad now and thinking I can't go against what OH wants but I know I will be narky with too many visitors.

YOU are the important one in the days and weeks after the birth, its your body this life has sprung from, it will be relying on you to LIVE.

YOU therefore must look after yourself to look after the baby! You have to put yourself first as you are the main care giver to the baby.

Rather than wait for people to visit I would also - take the initiative - and visit them in thier house with baby in the very early days if you are not having a hospital visit.

After that - tell OH to call them and say you are struggling to feed can they not call round. Or lie to OH and tell him this so he tells them.

Dont worry too much about all this - you dont know how birth will end up...

Unfortunalty it does sound like you have got yourself into a mess with the OH and his house business, he sounds like a man child to me who hasnt cut the apron strings.

It sounds like he has alll the power and he knows it and that you make empty threats. I think the only way to get though to people like this - is to carry out actions and not make empty threats.

The absolute best thing to do in my opinon is to get OH to say to PILs " Jen is getting very woried about the birth, how it will go and in particular - breast feeding with the thought of you guys popping in, i know you mean best but she isnt used to it - can we have our keys back please, she is x months pregnant and i dont want her worrying....even though you ( or i ) may feel this is silly"

if you get keys back - relax, if you dont....can you arrange to go elesewhere after birth - for a while to prove to him, you are not weak, you do feel serioulsy about this - and you will carry out plans.

You could make other arrangements now - say you will return after birth when you feel you have established feeding, got used to baby etc...becasue you have decided there is no way you will live in a house that a) you feel like a logder in with no rights, and b) breat feeding etc with peoples faces up at windows....of course you may not carry this out at all - but hopefully - being serious - to the point and business like about it - will push him to sort out parents.

i had THE most horrendous time with my in laws - the problem is you dont know how they will act etc - mine went totally totally MAD. My MIL was so horrendous to me I still dont see her now and havant been in her house since before DD was born. They do not even know I am prg this time, and it will be a different story belive me!

If the worse comes to the worse, your husband does not follow through or on Day 2 the InLaws start going crazy : do you have somewhere you could go? Have a number on hand to change locks? Mum / friend with pitchfork to fend off any unwanted inlaws??? Always good to have support and backup!

OP I would suggest though that after baby is born you do join some post-natal/baby groups etc. It can be very isolating at home with a baby and its great to meet other people in same position.

You do need to start being more assertive. Stop doing everything via DH as well - just say to the pils ' plesae can you knock on the door rather than let yourselves in'

don't ask for hte key back - just ask them to knock. don't ask your dh to tell them - you need to start being assertive yourself. Give it a try! You don't need your DH's permission to ask his parents to knock on the door!

"we're either quite normal or we're ALL freaks "

ain't that the truth

good luck op