New baby visits, in laws and arguments - already

[JenJen84]

I broached the subject of visits, in the first few weeks when baby comes along, yesterday.
Sadly the discussion didn't go as planned. I had hoped, that in the first fortnight we'd get a bit of time together to bond with baby, get used to being parents and more over slob about, be a little family and get to know each other. I don't think my OH and I are on the same page. I tried to politely hint that we might want our parents (mine and his) to give us a little space around that time. He has taken it as we're turning his parents away(?!) and how rude of me to suggest they shouldn't be here every day.

Truth be told, I'm a bit scared of the new baby and I know it's a time when I'll want my partner and need his support and not really be in a position to entertain. I can already feel my stress levels rising at the thought of being tired, exhausted really and scared and then having to trade pleasentaries and put up with the baby being passed around ontop of everything.

If anyone has any good advice, I'd love to hear it. I try really hard to suggest things in a way which doesn't cause an argument, but it always does. I worry it's a fundamental clash of personalities and that makes me sad.

Gosh, what a nightmare! I would definitely stop the key thing, how unbelievably stressful not knowing when someone might just waltz into your house !!???
You must must tell your OH that is isn't on, what if you are bfing in your pants or something and they decide to pop in?! I am shocked!!!!!!! change the lock?

My ILs wanted to come the same day when I had my first DD and I resolutely refused, thank god my DH agreed but it was very hard for him, they are very controlling and pushy. If they keep coming round you should go and bf in your bedroom, that is what I had to do when they kept coming and I was really unhappy about it. Once they come round a few times and you have stayed in your room with the baby they might get the message, your OH really needs to listen to you though...........

Thanks and thanks to the person who said maybe OH feels like he needs their help. That's a good point, I don't want him feeling left out either. Maybe like someone suggested we'll have a short baby-moon (love that expression) and then maybe have an afternoon visiting time (sounds very structured) but at least if I'm expecting it, i wont feel so intimidated by it.

My MIL and her parents were all hammering on my door one morning because I'd walked to work and when they saw the car on the drive they thought I must be ill!!

I also had the face at the window countless times; we live in a bungalow too, so couldn't bloody hide in any flipping room without having the curtains drawn!

OMG, it was a nightmare, just typing these posts has reminded me of how horrible it was :( No such problem now, she doesn't ever come round (maybe she does when I'm at work and DH is here?!) :)

The face at the window thing makes me laugh it's so bad. I blooming hate it.

I have tried every angle re: unnannounced visits

I might be naked
I might be asleep
God forbid we might be having sex on the couch! But no, nothing seems to come ahead of the fact OH feels it's somehow rude to deny his parents right of passage into the house.

I think your OH needs to 'man up' and stand on his own two feet though; I ended up hating my MIL and a counsellor friend of mine pointed out that my anger with MIL was misdirected and I needed to have it out with DH really, but sadly it was too late to undo my loathing of her...

The minute you hear them heading for your front door, take your top off and lift the baby. Surely they won't want to see dil half-naked more than once!
It is actually much harder to establish bf (if that's what you're wanting to do) while at the same time feeding discreetly - at home you should be able to display whatever you want.
Or, depending on where you might have stitches, say you were told to let the air at them - and lie on the coach with your stomach/fanjo in the air!

@ *igggi's suggestions there! Worth a try OP!

best to have these arguments thrashed out now than nearer the birth. Use the hormone card, remind your DH that you will be bleeding furiously and will have your nipples out.

From what you say the ideal would be family visits at the hospital followed by firmly telling family that you're now going to enjoy a week of solitude sitting on the sofa with your tits out while you get to grips with being parents and have visits from the midwife.

lmao! Sitting on the sofa with my tits out indeed, that would keep them away! :D ahh you've made me laugh!!

ps, having people round 'helping' was my worst nightmare too.

^ a kindred spirit!

Most people, if they are honest, aren't really there to help anyway - they want cuddle time too and like the lady who said she sat crying upstairs - I don't know I want to feel like a spare part.

I would much rather ASK for the help, then have it foisted on me, but we'll see!

Well it depends

My mum would call on the way to see me and offer to call in boots/Asda/mothercare if I needed anything. She would stay for no longer than half an hour and never picked my babie sup unless I asked her if she wanted to. She would take our washing away and return it clean and ironed.

Mil otoh would turn up, sit on her arse FOR HOURS. never so much as made herself a cup of tea, never mind me one. She wouldn't even fuck off when the mw arrived and started asking me if I'd had a poo yet and how were my stitches I had to fucking SPELL IT OUT FOR HER ie "mil would you go in the other room please", and this may have been uttered through gritted teeth, I'm afraid.

She really pissed me off actually and I still to this day (my babies are now 5 and nearly 3) like to keep her at arm's length tbh, because I've seen this side of her that just does not know when to give me space or when she's winding me up. So I feel like I'm always fending off another pisstaking session iyswim. And yes I have left her standing knocking on the other side of the door and gone off and hid upstairs, and you know what, she doesn't 'pop in' anymore.

Your ils would drive me INSANE I'm afraid. You need to get some rules in place now because after giving birth I was weepy, I felt vulnerable, and so so tired and the mere thought of having to have difficult conversations just made me teary. The people opposite us put a note on their door when they had their baby it said "we are pleased to welcome baby x born at y time weighing z. We would love to see you but we are all very very tired so please text [number] and we'll arrange a time thank you" then at the bottom PLEASE TEXT FIRST and they left this up for like three months

Could you possibly very nicely put it to your DH that unless the keys are given back ( or more likely locks changed in case they keep copies!) and you are given privacy and they do not come into the house unannounced - that you will feel uncomfortable and will have no other option but to take up residence in your parents home after the baby is born as they have very kindly offered to help out, and give you the important alone time you need with the baby ( hoping that it would not come to this but at least he might think you are being serious!). I know it would be better staying at home, but at least that way they would at least be restrained and parents on guard for any unwelcome visitors.

Essentially you're oh is treating you like a visitor in your own home, if it's your house you're supposed to be able to make your own rules too?

I made things official with dh(along with getting married) by getting my name on the mortgage, getting a joint account for household stuff, and making very clear that the inlaws doing the majority of house and garden work(I know that sounds great to some people but I like to do my own thing and have different ideas to 2 70yr olds) wasn't going to continue.

It is really hard and I've had to repeat many times that I appreciate that they'd do things differently, but I like to do things my way in my house.

It beggars belief that your oh can't understand you don't want them letting themselves in-what if you were naked walking from bathroom to bedroom/having sex in living room/ironing clothes to go out in in underwear. That's irrelevent-it's just rude to walk in without knocking and if no one answers then you assume they're busy and come back later.

I think your problem starts with your oh -your relationship is unequal and he needs to literally and emotionally share his life with you.

You also sound lonely-it would probably be good if you could out of the house (away from inlaws?) when your baby is a few weeks old and socialise with other new mums-are there nct groups/surestart groups/baby swim/baby massage and so on that you could go to?

I would also say - you have the ultimate excuse of 'I am taking the baby for a sleep/feed/change' now and can just get up and go upstairs if needed. Obviously no one wants to feel like they have been pushed upstairs but it may make a point. I spent a lot of time in bed upstairs with the baby.

If I tried saying I'd move, he'd just say "Go on then" and let me go.

Oh has always made it inherantly clear to me, that his parents have always come and gone as they please and thats the way he likes it (that's ok when he's here alone but when I'm here, surely I should have a say too?)

I think it doesn't help his parents gave him the house.

Yesterday his Dad was "maybe" coming round to do something. I didn't know if he was/wasnt and I'm just not the person to ring and ask (backbone again :( ) so I rushed up to get ready early so I'd be decent and then tired myself out, i couldn't nap, because I didn't want anyone in the house while I was asleep so I ended up tired and grotty all day.

Oh says he told me that his Dad might be coming round, so that's good enough.

i am lonely, we live in a remote place really, i do intend to go to classes but im just so awfully socially backward that i get myself in a knot and dont go to anything in the end.

Well it sounds like your dp is half the problem tbh. Sit him down and explain to him you need your space and your privacy in what is your home as much as his and you feel he is not respecting this. Be deadly fucking serious and tell him that if you and your baby canmot get the peace, quiet and privacy you need in this house you will go and live somewhere where you can, and he and his parents can go and piss up a rope. I would have a word with your mw as well, tell her it's stressing you out. See if you can get her to officially recommend that you have peace and quiet for the rest of your pg

This is probably something you have already clicked, but it really sounds like he does not have much respect for you in regards for this, and maybe going to your parents after the hospital may not be a bad solution, especially if he's saying go on then : would this be an option? It just does not sound like he will change his mind, and the last thing you need is his IL driving you crazy after having a baby, and your DP not being supportive.

Actually posted too late : whatwouldmargodo has put it much better!

DH has got to get that key back, or get locked changed. Leave the latch on all the time until he does so, don't worry about them seeing car on drive and knowing you are there, at least they won't be able to just walk in.

That would be an absolute deal breaker for me, you can't live in your own home not knowing when someone is going to suddenly walk in. And get some nets or blinds or something, so they can't do the window peering. Maybe some prickly roses under the windows.

DH also has to tell them to give you a call before they come over so you can put dogs out of the way so they don't wake you or baby up, they need to check the midwife isn't there before they arrive anyway, you'll want some privacy whilst she is there. DH needs to be the one to get them to leave after an hour or so, or if midwife arrives while they are there.

I don't think it's PIL that are the problem really, sounds more like DH needs to man up and cut the ties a bit, he is the letting them just walk into your house and so they think that is ok, it's not.

I need all of you lot, in my living room for an evening - maybe then OH would listen to me. I just end up feeling like a scabby, evil harpy and that he must hate me for being such a pain.

i'd love to show him this, but he'd probably be annoyed at me for putting it all on the internet. He's the best but I think he forgets I'm isolated and then maybe thinks that whats the problem with his parents coming to see me? I guess that makes sense, but obviously, they aren't my friends etc so it's not really fun anyway.

That makes me sound ungrateful too.

He'd let me go anyway WWMD - if I said I was going he probably wouldn't do anything anyway he'd just say "do what you want to do". Shame that doesn't apply when it comes to house rules once baby comes along.

Its 3 weeks 4 days and I'd have liked to get this sorted by now :(

No, I don't think he does respect me in this. You are right.

He's a fab guy and I don't want to paint him in a bad light because I think he's amazing, but the parents thing is one thing we've never gotten past.

I understand they've always come and gone as they pleased, but that was when he was a single guy and right now he's not - so things should change.

He thinks its normal that his parents walk in and or peer through windows. He doesn't see the problem. When challenged he says " they're being nice" or "they're checking on you" "they only stay for twenty minutes" (twenty minutesd is a long time if you were in the bath and hauled yourself out and downstairs!!!) and even when I say I don't like it, I end up feeling like I'm chasing his family away or something.

Well he sounds very disrespectful and I'm sorry for that :(

I think it's time for a bit of foot putting down and bluff calling on your part now, and at this point he has got a lot more to lose than you have (i am assuming he would like to be at the birth of his child and live under the same roof as it) so grip up woman and have the conversation, you can do this.

Well if we could we would stand there with pitchforks and make all unwelcome visitors go away :)

But your not ungrateful! Your pregnant and going to have a baby, and as the mother of his child he should be doing everything he can for you - not making this time incredibly hard and stressful. In reality, he is unlikely to change his mind ( and you may find showing him the thread would have the oppersite effect) so why not look at going back home .