New baby visits, in laws and arguments - already

[JenJen84]

I broached the subject of visits, in the first few weeks when baby comes along, yesterday.
Sadly the discussion didn't go as planned. I had hoped, that in the first fortnight we'd get a bit of time together to bond with baby, get used to being parents and more over slob about, be a little family and get to know each other. I don't think my OH and I are on the same page. I tried to politely hint that we might want our parents (mine and his) to give us a little space around that time. He has taken it as we're turning his parents away(?!) and how rude of me to suggest they shouldn't be here every day.

Truth be told, I'm a bit scared of the new baby and I know it's a time when I'll want my partner and need his support and not really be in a position to entertain. I can already feel my stress levels rising at the thought of being tired, exhausted really and scared and then having to trade pleasentaries and put up with the baby being passed around ontop of everything.

If anyone has any good advice, I'd love to hear it. I try really hard to suggest things in a way which doesn't cause an argument, but it always does. I worry it's a fundamental clash of personalities and that makes me sad.

In honesty I'm starting to be concerned that his lack of solidarity with me will end up more problematic when baby comes along and maybe that is what I'm worried about and why I want to be alone and gel for those first few days.

I worry that if his parents want to come over - regardless if I'm not in the mood for visitors - he'll let them. And if I dont want baby handed round like pass-the-parcel but they do, he'll let them.

As an indication, when we went baby furniture shopping he saw a moses basket. He asked me did we need it. I said no (just one of those things I dont want personally!) he turned to his mother and said

"do we?"

Oh has always made it inherantly clear to me, that his parents have always come and gone as they please and thats the way he likes it (that's ok when he's here alone but when I'm here, surely I should have a say too?)

Well yes, of course you should have a say, sit him down again you have to get this through to him.

He HAS to understand that it is now your home too and he has to respect you enough to give you some privacy in your own home. Ask him to get a key from his parents so YOU can just walk in on MIL getting out of the shower, walking around in her underwear etc, would that be ok with MIL? 'No? Then get that fucking key back DH before your mother and father walk in on me masturbabting on the sofa or something'

And put that bloomin latch on the front door and go for a nap, even if his dad might be coming round.

Actually would your mum come round and help you talk to DH about it, maybe if he hears someone else say it's not normal or right/fair he might listen?

Grrr, I'm getting mad on your behalf OP!

You have to start challenging him - I appreciate you might not feel upto it or it might not be in your nature, but you really must fight your corner.

Don't even take his mother shopping with you FGS! She's had her turn bringing up kids, IT'S YOUR TURN NOW!! Keep repeating to yourself to reinforce the idea. In fact, start saying it to him/her now and keep doing it until it sinks in with them.

JenJen

There will be no baby pass-the-parcel because you will be holding onto that baby as tight as can be. There will only be baby pass-the-parcel if you let go.
Don't let go.

Your OH sounds like he is very much in thrall to his own parents. How old is he?

You do need to speak up about all of this. I think you know that you do already. It isn't easy switching from being a person who dislikes confrontation and considers herself socially awkward (as I have all my life) to a person who can stand her ground and say her piece. But you might find that motherhood helps you with this, because ultimately you are trying to create safe environment for you and your new baby. I can't imagine you'll feel 'safe' if things stay as they are.

I wish there was something I could do to help.

I agree optional I am cross for you, you have to make a stand about this, I would love to pop round and have a chat with him, the key situation WOULD be sorted today one way or the other for a start.

Do you have any friends nearby JenJen? I think you're going to need quite a bit of support and for you.

Depends on what they are like really. My ILs came to stay for 4 days the day I got out of hospital with a premature baby. It would have been ok except they made no allowance for our unusual circumstances and expected me to host them business as usual. I ended up yelling in the kitchen on their first night I AM NOT COOKING as they stood there pathetically. DH went to order a takeaway and FIL said plaintively "but I don't like curry" I could have killed him. I was expressing every 3 hours as DD was too prem to feed so the food preferences of a 60 year old man were rather low on my list of priorities.

Blimey this thread is pushing all my buttons - I'm getting all upset and angry on behalf of the OP and wishing there was something I could do to help too!

But I agree with optional that the OP already knows what she needs to do.

It is hard to change relationships when everyone else is comfortable with things the way they are. It's especially hard to be articulate needs if you are easily persuaded that you are being unreasonable/ungrateful/inhospitable/aggressive etc etc. Rather than being assertive we get all shrill and defensive ...

In this case it seems that everyone has got used to the idea that the OP just goes along with what everyone else wants. I think this idea needs to be openly challenged.

OP, Do you think your DH/DP knows exactly what the recovery from the birth may be like?
I am also quite socially inept but went to an ante-natal class with my DH and it helped him to understand. Do you think he would consider it? It'll also be hugely supportive for you.

kerala

'but I don't like curry'

oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

Baby Pass the Parcel - that's exactly what happened to me :( Really wish I'd stood my ground.

Bless you, you are all very kind.

I don't want to make out I'm some shrinking voilet - but you know how it is with OH's parents, well, they don't know me well enough and i still feel like I need to be unwaiveringly polite.
In a way, i do hope baby takes away this side of me, because I do admit life would be easier for me, if I grabbed the bull by the horns and just dealt with them myself. However I think even that would make me the baddie - OH is really close to his parents (like used to be round there frequently, getting fed, having his ironing done etc)

My OH is 41, unless the age question was rhetorical :) I'm 27

We, well OH does walk into his parents house, which he does bring up in arguments but I try to explain the likelyhood of THEM doing something is a little less lol plus, if that's fine by them - great. It's just not fine by me!

Conversations about it always seem to end in arguments and never come to any definite resolution, simply I think because I'm not articulate enough to get my point across or perhaps to make the right point.

He said, flippantly that he'd "go round tonight and sort it". I don't know whether he's still planning to (after work)
Should I text and ask him to? What should I do?

I agree with WWMargoD - put a note on the door that says gives details of baby's birth, thanking everyone for good wishes, and asks them to arrange visits in advance.

Alternatively, a note you blu-tak to the door when you want peace, saying "mother and baby are resting now, so please do not knock/ring the door, but do please text to arrange a convenient time to come back". Anyone who ignores that is an arsehole.

I cured my inlaws of dropping in by always being just about to go out when they called to say they were on their way. After a few months they got the message, give more notice, and now all is well. They angled for a key, too, but do not have one!

We had a family bereavement just before the arrival of DS2, so the day after we got home I had my house full of around twelve retired extended family members - some of whom I hadn't seen for over two years - wanting looking after and to have a "turn" with baby. It was very hard to tell them to GO AWAY in the circumstances so they definitely overstayed their welcome.

I.don't think it is unreasonable to publish agreed visiting times (one morning hour, one afternoon hour), as if you were still in hospital. You are still recovering, you just happen to be at home.

Visits to a new baby's house should in any case not exceed half an hour in the first month or so unless:

1. you are actively doing housework by prior request (I felt my housekeeping was under criticism when FIL offered MIL's services to clean the windows, and was woken by my mother crashing about in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher)

1. new mother is eating a meal you have brought with you, or you are washing it up afterwards

1. you are a health care professional on duty.

I was not firm enough with DS1, and ended up anxious and knackered. I had good intentions with DS2, but the additional sensitivities of bereavement undid them. Should I be fortunate enough to have a DC3, I shall be shameless in publicising the rule and exceptions above!

It's funny because having animals teaches us one thing, we leave the sheep/horses/dogs with their pups and always tell people "sorry she needs to be alone with her babies" but then, when it comes to us, it seems our mothering needs get sidelined in order to keep other people happy?!

The note sounds like a good thing, I really shouldn't imagine we'll get a lot of random visitors, principally because his friends have all had children, and hopefully the wives will say "leave her alone!" for a bit :) and my friends and family know what I'm like, so will call first.

It's really only his family who perhaps, don't know me well enough and have different ideas regarding coming and going, who need reminding and hopefully OH can do that now prior to bubs coming along.

I'm so glad I put this here, I was expecting to be some kind of pariah, but you've put my mind to rest that I'm not SO odd (I'm still odd) and given me a lot of useful things to be getting along with.

I think I will ask OH to go tonight and get the key and or make it plain we'll need notice before visits once baby comes along. That way no-one can accuse me of not letting them know, when the door is locked, new curtains up and we're hiding in our nursery cuddling, just the 3 of us :D

Yes ask him to go round and sort it! Ignore the flippancy - it sounds like what my daughter used to shout aged 4 when I asked her to brush her teeth ("OK, I'll brush my teeth for ever!!!")

Tell him exactly what you want him to ask for and be specific. No unannounced visits. Ring the doorbell. Time limits. Or whatever it is you want.

Good luck

And tell him to bring that key back!

The point of the note is so that they realise it is not just them being excluded, if you see what I mean. It's not "we don't want you here" but "we want/need to be together just us some of the time".

Get a big teapot and a big cafetiere. Brew up precisely once per visit/session (or get him indoors to) and direct people to the kitchen - "there's a pot on the side there, help yourself to a mug". Once it is cold or empty, it's time for you and baby to go back to bed!

You are not weird. 90% of the country is like you! I'm afraid that with your other half and inlaws it will be a case of "old dog, new tricks" and will be hard work. Things will of course change with a new baby - your primary family is your other half and children, not your parents. Make sure he realises this and adjusts his priorities accordingly.

Can you talk to MiL, maybe ask her advice, tell her that you feel anxious and why you feel that way. You keep saying that you don't know them and that they don't know you so maybe you need to get to know each other better. Get her on side if you can. I wonder if telling her about your worries and asking for her help might give her the chance to be the MiL you need rather than the threat she seems to be at the moment.

From what you have posted so far it feels as though all communication is via your DH. That doesn't give you the chance to build a relationship

Whoops!

Doesn't give you a chance to build a relationship with them yourself.

Yeah it is all via OH, I'm not a great social type. I don't seemy own family all that often, out of choice, so it would be a little odd to suddenly become mrs social with his parents.
Genuinely, I'm afraid I'm just a bit socially inept/backward, so the reference to not knowing them/me isnt a worry just an observation.

Once baby is here and settled, it gives me a focus in order to be on these situations that I hate, but until then it kind of IS all done through oh

I understand what you say. I do feel that your in laws probably have little idea of how you feel though and that some first hand knowledge would give them the opportunity to adapt their behaviour and make things less stressful for you and, in the long run, for them too. If you always leave it to your OH to deal with them there is a danger that you will never get what you need from the relationship. It's always possible of course, that they are just a PITA and will remain so whatever you say or do!

I have considered maybe I need to grow up and be more personable. I'm alright when OH is there honestly, I'm not some totally backwards person but the concept of going over their house or going out somewhere with them without OH is completely alien to me.
This will be different when baby comes along, as for her sake (like for OH's sake) I'll do things :)
I have a growth scan tomorrow and OH cant attend, he said his parents would come but there's no way I'd want them to. I'm so private, that it does feel like having two strangers with me on a doctors appointment. It's just not "me".

But I do concede those are problems with my personality, they are really nice. I'm just not the personable, friendly type.

Maybe I should have thought about all these things BEFORE I got pregnant sigh

I got as far as the key bit and had to respond OP.

OK, as some have mentioned here, helpful people who pop round for 20 minutes or so 'arranged' and help in those early weeks are useful. If they do a bit of cleaning etc, drop round a meal or something, are supportive and most importantly sensitive....if they are just dropping in unannounced when you are recovering from having given birth then this could fast become a nuisance, already has....then thats just not on, things have to change...them letting themselves in to your home, errrr no, thats not really fair and would put me on edge quite frankly no matter how nice they are, you deserve some privacy and more than ever with a newborn you're getting to grips with. They sound like they are very friendly people and your DP is not wanting to rock the boat, he needs to realise that things do need to change, very few women out there would be comfortable with this arrangement. A quick call ahead to see if its alright to drop in, the occasional knock on the door fine but what you have at the moment goes way past that.

If you're planning on BF'ing you'll also want some space as it can be hard work getting started and the last thing you want is feeling uncomfortable doing that in your own home with an audience (I bf a 22 month old and was very shy and nervous around others doing it initially).

I talk from experience. My mother lived with us for 2.5 years which coincided with the birth of DS, in some respects it was good, in others, plenty of unsolicited advice, she hadn't BF any of us and had no idea that BF babies fed so much sometimes for an hour and then straight back on again and then the problems started. I was seen as being over protective simply wanting to keep the baby with me and not let her have him for hours on end. Anyway, my story differs a bit to yours but I do see your concerns and think you have every right to put your foot down.

Your DP and you should think about going to Antenatal classes, do a last minute one, honestly, they'll open his eyes on this and help him see your concerns I'm sure.

Maybe he should read this thread, your life and his is about to change massively, we all on here are out on the otherside and can tell you that for a fact, perhaps he should read some of the advice and see that you are not being unreasonable and its time he made some rules for his new 'family'. Doesn't mean distancing himself from his own family, they just need to be a bit more tactful and give you some space, it seems suffocating and possibly the ultimate ruin of your relationship.

Ahh Jen...don't be hard on yourself. We all have differing needs and ways of dealing with things. I don't think it's a matter of growing up but of finding a way that is right for you. It sounds as though one of your biggest problems is that your OH doesn't seem to understand you either and his way of being part of a family is not your way.

The only reason for having his parents along to a scan would be so that they could support you if it wasn't good news. Scans aren't meant to be nicey nicey lets-all-see-the-baby family occasions. They are, as you say, doctors appointments, for a medical purpose.

You're talking a lot about changing your behaviour/personality. Yes, maybe, some. But don't get into the trap of thinking you're all wrong and need to change, and OH is all right. He can change too, you can meet in the middle.

There is an old joke where two mums are talking and one says "Your Jane is an introvert isn't she?". And the other mum says "No! My Jane is a nice girl!".

Introverts are people who recharge their batteries by being alone. Nothing wrong with being one! Not liking to be constantly with other people is not a "problem with your personality". Neither is not wanting to spend large amounts of time with people that you haven't chosen as your friends.

Lack of empathy is definitely a personality problem, and your inlaws and OH are all displaying that one. Selfishness and rudeness too ...

I think you need to get over the idea that you have to be polite and nice and not offend people. Your OH and your inlaws don't seem to be worrying about your feelings at all. Why are you the one that has to accommodate everything that they want?

In any case, it is ok to stand up and say "please leave now, I'm tired". It is ok to not invite someone in when they turn up at your door. Neither of these are in any way rude or offensive.