New baby visits, in laws and arguments - already

[JenJen84]

I broached the subject of visits, in the first few weeks when baby comes along, yesterday.
Sadly the discussion didn't go as planned. I had hoped, that in the first fortnight we'd get a bit of time together to bond with baby, get used to being parents and more over slob about, be a little family and get to know each other. I don't think my OH and I are on the same page. I tried to politely hint that we might want our parents (mine and his) to give us a little space around that time. He has taken it as we're turning his parents away(?!) and how rude of me to suggest they shouldn't be here every day.

Truth be told, I'm a bit scared of the new baby and I know it's a time when I'll want my partner and need his support and not really be in a position to entertain. I can already feel my stress levels rising at the thought of being tired, exhausted really and scared and then having to trade pleasentaries and put up with the baby being passed around ontop of everything.

If anyone has any good advice, I'd love to hear it. I try really hard to suggest things in a way which doesn't cause an argument, but it always does. I worry it's a fundamental clash of personalities and that makes me sad.

Why have your in laws got a key to your house?

Is this a usual thing?

I give my mum a key if we're going on holiday and she's coming to water plants etc, but other than that ?????

Thanks Cherry, I will look for some smart PJ's - I've already started going off my maternity jeans, whereas I loved them 6 weeks ago lol

Ivy - you have a lot to do in your house! I can't think there would be ironing, gardening and washing every day? (lol maybe I'm blissfully in ignorance about how much mess this bubba will create!) but we've spent quite some time getting everything in order and the one thing I could do with help with - they can't help with! (I have 3 horses!) but maybe during cuddle time I can go and be with my horse-friends and have a break maybe? :)

Oh please, guys. My OH makes me feel SO bad about the keys thing!!! He makes me feel like IM the freak but yes they have keys and yes they let themselves in or on the odd occassion they don't they peer through the windows to see if I'm there.

I am, usually in my PJs hiding and I have to smile and go to the door then, even though I might have been sleeping.

Whenever I ask or mention it I'm made to feel like Im being cruel or nasty to them, which I'm not - I'd just like to option to decide whether I answer my own door!

Ultimately it IS my OH's house and that's always been their way but now it's got to the stage where if I don't want unsolicited company, I leave the house. As I can't hide.

Oh CherryBlossom I could have written your post about PILs making themselves comfy on your sofa while you perch on a stool

I had the same after dd2, day 2 at home, felt like I'd been hit by a bus, sore lady bits doesn't come close (about 19 million stitches) and they all cosied up with coffee and cake on my sofa while I was resigned to the floor

Determined this wouldn't happen after ds was born, so when I knew they were coming, I deliberately stationed myself, feet-up on the small sofa in the dining room, with widgey pillow for BFing etc, meaning they all had to sit on wooden dining room chairs. I also told them how to use the new kettle and where the tea again were

It worked a treat, they didn't hang around half as long . DH thought it was hilarious too

Just read your last post re. your OH. I am hoping that he just doesn't understand the realities of a newborn baby and a possibly exhausted and emotional OH, and when the time comes he will have a reality check and back you up!

Possibly he feels awkward arranging set times with his parents? Tell him you want them to be involved, but you want to be allowed to settle into being a mother first. Tell him if it feels awkward for him, you'll tell them.

As a Mum, you will feel more assertive I think as your priorities change and your baby comes first.

Honestly, be assertive now and it will make things easier for you in the future as you'll be setting the groundwork.

Just another thought as well, if you've not gone to any antenatal classes, I found the book 'What to Expect the First Year' really helpful with well balanced information and very reassuring.

I spent ages worrying about this exact thing before DD (now 6 months) arrived. I am very independent and while I love my mum and knew she'd be a great help, just did NOT want to be descended upon. I didn't want to 'show off' my baby! And I didn't want to inform the grandparents that I was in labour - just wanted to call them once baby had arrived (mil was talking about coming to the hospital and waiting outside in car - I freaked).

It's absolutely no harm to set out some ground rules and be clear that you want your space, and yes, I think it's more difficult for the dads to understand this. I am really glad that we had the first few nights and days to ourselves (my mum visited the night DD was born but then had to leave once visiting hours were up). It was special. But I found that by day 3 or 4 I was more than happy to welcome the grandparents and I DID want to show off my baby!

I'd suggest this as a compromise: Don't let any visitors stay the night under your roof. Tell them to book into a B&B or hotel nearby for a night or two. Don't enter into any discussions about this - just say that's what the situation is. And to soften things a bit, tell them you WILL need and appreciate their help - in the form of FOOD for you and your DP.

I cannot stress the food bit enough! Make sure all visitors bring food for the freezer. And if you're breastfeeding, and need to leave the room to sort the latch or nap lying down feeding, just go to your bed and let them clean up around you. You will also need to be fed and watered very frequently, and your DP will probably appreciate an extra pair of hands wrt to that.

Sorry that this is such an essay. I just empathise because I spent so long fretting about this myself. My (also very independent) sister had the same rule about no visitors post-birth, but she had an emergency C-section and found all she wanted after it was our mum - who ended up staying 10 days to help her out, and she was so grateful. Just see how you feel after the birth.

LOL Babylon! I have been left standing while they've all been sat on the sofa too, luckilly it makes me laugh now but it wont in a few weeks time!

The situation I'm trying to avoid, is where I blow my top. I am really bad at shades of grey - I'll just go 0-60 in 3 seconds and probably offend everyone, forever!

Thanks for the book info Cherry - I'll go find on amazon now :)

Sorry, just read the bit about the keys.Eek! Not okay.

Oh Jen I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to feel this way. I think it is wrong to tell you that you need and will love having all these people around you. You sound like a very thoughtful person - no-one knows better than you what your needs are.

After my DD was born my family kept coming round and telling me - with all good intentions - that I needed to get some sleep/have a bath/have a rest etc. In practice this meant I was banished upstairs "to get some sleep" where I would spend hours sobbing alone while they were having a lovely time cuddling my new baby and being waited on by DH! They were all v supportive and meant well, but didn't understand my needs at all. And neither did I - I thought I was supposed to be grateful ...

With your DH, I am guessing that he is also thinking about his own needs (to be supported by his family?) and feeling just as emotional and worried about it as you are. He may be more likely to come round if you can first listen to and accept his needs. Try not to think of it as a battle - with understanding, acceptance and compromise you can both win.

If your DH is the one who needs support from his family, then could he think of some specific things they can do to help him? e.g. maybe they could do the laundry or cook a meal so he can be free to cuddle you. Or maybe they could keep him company downstairs while you are with the baby upstairs. Who knows, maybe he is worried about feeling like a spare part - lots of new dads do.

Focus on the positive - what they can do, rather than what they can't. But draw the line at things that affect you (e.g. taking baby away, turning up unannounced or whatever). And make him answer the door!

Hugs from a fellow privacy-lover

Babylon bloody hell! What is it with people expecting new mums to have the worst seat in the house?! Madness isn't it!

JenJen you live in the house now so it's not your OH's house, it's a home for you both and your baby! Tell him to get the keys back, it's not normal for them to let themselves in whenever they want! Tell your OH this whole thing is stressing you out and he is too, and that it's not good for the baby and he's going to have to compromise when the baby arrives, so he might as well start compromising now! You are not being selfish or rude, he is if he is deliberately ignoring your wishes. At the very least you both should be able to have a grown up conversation about it without him making you feel like Cruella. If he won't listen, write him a letter, then he can't argue with you and you won't lose what you are trying to say.

Thanks OI, I could swing completely the other way and be dying for company and help. But due to the nature of OH's job and my own personality, I just can't see it - hence the dread.
I dont want to talk about it again tonight with OH as we didn't go to bed on the right note last night and I hate that, but maybe next week I will bring it up again in the hope we can get on the same page.

JenJen it is your house too, maybe not financially or whatever, but this is where you live and you must be allowed some privacy.

If it were me, I think I would tell DH that I was really struggling with the unannounced visits and uninvited entry to your home - especially at a time when you're going through so many physical changes etc, not to mention the hormonal stuff!

It really isn't on for you to feel this uncomfortable in your own home

With my last pregnancy, in fact all of them, when the weather has got warmer I have often spent the days totally starkers as this is how I was most comfortable.

Since having ds in April I have had to remind DH that it isn't always best/most convenient for him to bring his work mate in for a cuppa after work every day as it's usually around the time I am expressing so DH can give ds a feed before bedtime.

I don't want the world and his wife watching me express, not DHs work mate who can be a bit starey (stares a lot) at the best of times.

DH texts now to check if it's ok when they're on the way home

I hope you can sort this JenJen. Maybe ask them if you can borrow their spare key to leave with the cobbler to get another one cut of something, and just forget to give it them back? Alternatively, get the locks changed, with DHs support, and then don't give them a key and make sure DH doesn't either?

Ordinarily I cannot understand people who want to keep their family away for as long as possible after having a baby - I was desperate to show ds off. The more the merrier as far as visitors were concerend.

BUT it would drive be mad if anyone let themselves in to my house, baby or no. The cannot be allowed to do this - it's completely unreasonable. What does your mil say when you suggest they might like to knock first, or better still call?

Jen please please PLEASE lay down some ground rules NOW! I had exactly the same; my DH bought a house across the road from his mother's house and when I moved in (before we were married), I felt the same re. keys etc.

When we got married, I mentioned the keys and although he was a bit surprised at my request, he did actually get the keys back.

When I had my first born, I was practically bombarded by MIL and her parents (who also lived too close for comfort ,lol). I was so freaked out by it as I'm hugely independent and rarely see my family who live in another part of the country.
Eventually, I snapped and it wasn't pretty!

My Dh's family are VERY close and they thought I was being awkward but by trying to accomodate their wishes, (which were completely OTT) I actually made myself ill.

I now have little to do with them, not ideal but that's how it turned out.
For the sake of your sanity, you need to lay down some rules now or you will regret it.

thezoobmeister I can empathise with those feelings! DH was so sweet and he did the night time feeds whilst I slept and would often sleep on the settee with DS next to him in the Moses basket, but I hated being in a different room from DS. I remember bursting into tears and telling DH he was stealing DS away from me! Poor DH had no idea I felt like this, he was genuinely trying to help me recover from the birth and do as much as possible!

My advice to mums to be now is "your job is to rest, sleep and look after the baby", other people should be doing the cooking and cleaning for goodness sake. It's worst when people have good intentions as you end up feeling ungrateful, but why can't people let the mum and baby bond first and then everyone else can have cuddles after.

The other option is to make sure you either have the latch on, or your key in the door on the inside, thus rendering their key useless anyway.

You can out the latch on/key in when DH has gone to work and take it off/out when he is due home

Keep the curtains closed so they can't peer in, and if it's ever challenged/questioned, just say "oh sorry, I didn't hear you knock etc, was having a sleep with baby blah blah" you get the picture??

This will work from approx 30+ weeks pregnant when you're getting tired and need extra sleep, right through until your baby is 12mths+

They'll only come round once or twice and not gain entry before they realise they're wasting their time and need to call first

And on that nite, get caller display too

You only have to talk to who you want to. I personally leave the phone to go to call minder if MIL calls when DH isn't here.

Put the latch on

AND

On that note

Stupid iPhone and fat fingers, again!!

CherryBlossom's idea about the letter is a good one. It gives you the last word and you can be articulate/assertive in a letter in a way that's difficult to be in a conversation.

Tell him that the keys thing is not okay, and that childish/sulky responses to your genuine discomfort with the situation don't help to move things along. Outline your proposed solution (hotel, hotel, hotel...) and maybe alert him to the fact that MANY women share your exact feelings. Your feelings aren't in any way unusual.

I sometimes think (my own v. unscientific opinion) is that men find it more difficult to project into the future and understand how a combination of so many different variables (postchildbirth pain, sleeplessness, hormones, breastfeeding, your own personality) could result in a difficult situation - for himself, as well as you. Does he know about things like baby blues and PND?

Thank you so much, it makes me feel much less like a fruit-cake now you have all said how you feel about the key thing!
Since I moved in (little over a year) I have been saying about the key thing. I have never suggested taking their key off them (yet) but have told OH to ask them not to walk in.
He either
a) didnt tell them
b) told them and they didn't bother listenning
because they still do.

The window thing adds insult to injury because, had I decided not to answer the door I now get the full face up against the window thing, which means I cannot hide even.

I haven't ever said anything to MIL about it, maybe I am being too much of a weed? I don't know, but I've gone through the range with OH - from tears to anger and back again and he always goes back to the same stock answer,
"I've never not had my parents just walk in" "You've made them feel uncomfortable so now they don't come over as much" "FINE I'll tell them not to come here at all". We've never got to the stage where I feel, he understands me or supports me in that.
:(

I wouldn't bother getting your OH to pass on the message - just tell your in laws directly, he obviously thinks it's an issue, but unless your in laws are completely unreasonable it doesn't have to be.

Just say something like, I've been thinking about just after the baby's born, I'm a bit worried about getting into a routine, sleeping and naps, obviously I want you to visit and I was thinking about the best way to manage that so that you get to spend time with the baby too, so could you just phone first to check it's an ok time for the baby and to give me a chance to sort the dogs out so they don't bark and wake the baby up if it's sleeping?

As long as you make it sound like you want them around and put it all as making sure they see the baby - it should be fine

Thanks, that's what my mum said (re: the latch) I've just never done it because they'd know I was here (my car is on the drive) and then ask me where I was, when they next saw me and I'm crap at lying. I couldn't have slept through them coming over, because the dogs go ballistic :( so I'm trapped!

OH doesn't have a great idea but I think he knows about it in principle. His sister had it with hers (now 14) and his mum did everything for her and the baby I think, which might be leading to why they are expecting to do the same for me.

I think perhaps I am too independant to a fault. Maybe I need to get used to the idea of needing people around.

You might not feel so independent after having a baby. I was very independent and confident when I had DS1, aged 33. But the emotions that you experience in the first few weeks can be overwhelming, so can the tiredness and the stress of your own inexperience. Having some help can be a wonderful thing and you can be pathetically grateful for it! If your DH and in-laws are domineering and unhelpful I can totally understand your fear, but if you think they might be marshalled into being helpful and useful, don't turn them away. Someone to make you a cup of tea, keep an eye on the baby so you can have a shower or a nap, put a wash on, do the dishes, make dinner, do some shopping - is a wonderful thing in those early days.