What to do when someone doesn't want to give you up?

[kittyfishersknickers]

Hi, sorry, me again

Have had loads of good and kind advice on this thread

Basically, I am now at the point when I want him out of my life, but I'm not sure how easy he is going to be to shift. I no longer live/stay with him but we are still in contact and have dinner occasionally and have long conversations etc. So it's a bit like an emotional affair except it's not an affair, we've already had a relationship, sex etc.

I think he thinks it's only a matter of time before I 'come round' and get back together with him properly. I'm not sure how he's going to react when I say I don't want any contact any more.

In the past he has been a bit jealous, although in a jokey way - e.g. being a bit funny with me spending time with male friends, always wanting to know 'who was there' if I went to a party, and getting a bit funny about me going running because the clothes I wear are tight and he thinks men will look at me (that last is the weirdest and I don't think an OK or normal way to think). He also knows where I work and vaguely where I now live. He has hinted that in the past he has been a bit obsessed with girls who have chucked him, including writing letters to them etc.

Just wondering anyone can advise me on how best to do the splitting up. I am conscious that I don't want to wind him up or provoke him, especially as I now realise the jealousy stuff is a pretty big red flag.

I suppose I'm a bit worried about how he might react when he realises I'm serious.

I'd just cut off all contact asap and keep away from any shared 'places'.

There's no easy way and he'll probably go ballistic but it's all or nothing! If you don't go the whole hog there's every chance he'd worm his way back.

Don't be 'kind' to him. Do yourself a favour

Just tell him, then cut contact. No visits, conversations, don't take his calls, delete his texts. If he harasses you then keep a log and if necessary tell the police.
Everyone has a right to end a relationship at any time. In this case he has lost any claim to your charity by being a scary, possessive, controlling rapist. You owe him nothing.

Agree, there's no easy way I'm afraid. Tell him your not going to see him or speak to him again and then carry it out. Cut all contact, it might take him a while to get it but it's the only way.

Sorry, but why do you have dinner and long conversations?

Have you had the I don't think this is working conversation?

Stop having dinner, contact and conversations. That is misleading him.

Stop feeding the relationship

I know it's my fault.

The first time I tried to break up with him, which was a few years ago now, he threw the most godawful tantrum - crying etc. He calmed down quite quickly but just refused to lose contact. Eventually it turned back into a proper relationship because I was having a tough time with something else and needed support, and he was on best behaviour.

When I broke up with him this time around, I did it from a distance because I didn't really want to be near him when he got annoyed/upset. Told him it wasn't working, we'd be better off apart. He said he was very upset, crying etc. Then the next day he rang me when I was just leaving work (withheld number, I didn't really think and answered it) and turned out he was 'coincidentally' in the next street from me. He said he wanted to have coffee with me and because I wasn't sure where exactly he was, i.e. he could have been within sight of me, I said yes because I felt a bit scared. Over coffee, he didn't really answer any of my reasons for why we need to break up, just kept repeating one of the phrases I had used breaking up with him (in a half joking way) and saying 'What a horrible thing to do' 'What a nasty thing to do'

I have been keeping the contact because about 20% of me doesn't want to break up with him (if I'm honest) and 80% of me is quite scared of his reaction if I do.

Some questions.
What is the reason you dont want to break up with him.is it because he will do,rather than you have nobody.i have seen it before where boyfriends or girlfriends stay with each other because they dont want to be alone.
As to the breaking up with him.
I think if I were you,you may want to read up a little about stalking,just in case.
Also, when or if you break up with him,I would suggest you are not living alone for the first few days,again,just in case.
He also sounds like the type of person,who may also say,"well if you split up with me,I am going to do something to myself" iyswim.
I am not trying to alarm you at all,just trying to slightly prepare you for how things may pan out.
Of course,it may all go ok.heres hoping.

Send this loser one final email: 'The relationship is over, I do not want any further contact from you. If you make any attempt to contact me, the police will be informed.'

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are entitled to dump someone for any reason you like, and to cut all contact with that person. The police will intervene if necessary.

ANd don't be afraid of him killing himself. Losers like him are never so obliging as to actually die.

I've just reread your other thread. Tell him that if he doesn't fuck off once and for all you will report him to the police for rape and sexual assault. And you will make it public.

Blimey OP the man's an utter creep. Do what SGB has just advised.

Amillionyears - well, we still get on really well socially. When I have dinner with him I enjoy it. But it's not really enough and I don't trust him. I hoped we could just be friends but I don't think that's going to work.

I'm not worried he'll do something to himself, I'm worried he'll do something to me. I'm not sure he really sees me as a real person, with my own feelings. Just one of his many toys. It feels like he doesn't want someone else to have the toy. I'm probably melodramatic but I just have a bad feeling about it

solid - he knows I would never report him or make it public. I would look like a liar/fantasist and he would be the poor accused man who never did anything wrong (he is very respectable, people think he's great)

He sounds dangerous, please do not have any more contact with him. Do what sgb said, please. And people would and will believe you about this man, I promise you. Men like this aren't as clever as they think.

I dont think you are being melodramatic.
I think you need to tread carefully.
If you split up with him,it may be best to have someone with you when you do.
And keep evidence of texts etc.Just in case.

Kitty, I remember your earlier post.

Leaving aside the issues raised there, you really sould get this man out of your life as soon as possible. Honestly, you sound terrified of him, and so would I be.

I must be missing something but I can't see how you can enjoy going to dinner with him whilst acknowledging that he's capable of 'doing something' to you if you tell him you want the socializing to stop.

Personally, I'd send him a courteous but unequivocal email (so there's a paper record). If he pesters you in any way, you ought then to report him to the police. This will be sufficient to mark his card if you don't want to bring up the sexual assault.

i have cut contact with a man like this after months of stalking, but it was my fault partially for engaging with him, but i too was frightened of his reaction, threats etc and yes he did say i destroyed his life blah blah. he has finally left me alone, no contact for weeks now and i am trying to come to terms with it all. didnt realise how much it had effected me. he too was perceived as great person, charming, good looking, you would never believe, however he could be sinister and there was another side to him... awful
as hard as it is as your feelings will be mixed as mine were (and still are to some extent) you have to cut contact

i understand what you are saying RR regarding her going to dinner with him but also being frightened. it is awful situation to be in, it messes with your head and these men can be quite manipulative and i certainly felt like he had some kind of hold over me and i felt very confused. it like it is all ok in public places for "show" almost but not in private

Keep posting Kitty! Everyone on here believes you, and everyone is rooting for you. You definitely need to get this abusive raping prick out of your life. And I would not be AT ALL surprised to find that, if you have a word with the police, he will turn out to have a track record, at least of being interviewed and charged WRT sexual assault, DV and stalking. A man like this, one who considers women objects, toys and prey, doesn't start behaving like this out of the blue, he will have spent his whole life abusing women.

Also, do bear in mind that a decent man who is reasonable and in good mental health will accept being dumped. He might not like it. He might go to the pub with his best mate and sit there going 'Fucking bitch' all night. He might have a good cry.
But he will accept his partner's decision and leave her alone. ANyone (male or female) who persists in trying to make someone who has ended the relationship engage with the dumped partner is an inadequate or a bully and it;s perfectly all right to be firm with such people and press charges for harassment if necessary.

Roxy - I suppose I can compartmentalise the different aspects of him. I'm not really scared of him when I'm with him (although him calling me and happening to be nearby did shake me a bit). It's just when I piece together all the things he's said and done it really doesn't look good.

It's only recently that he's started voicing jealous thoughts. At first he did it in a humorous way so I thought he was joking, saying stuff like 'When you go running can you not just wear a big baggy top?' and referring to my male friends as 'cocky adolescents' (they are in their late twenties minimum so not adolescent at all).

I don't think he will have been interviewed or charge with sexual assault as that would massively affect his job. Not saying he hasn't done it though.

Please don't feel you need to tell him face to face either - by e-mail is fine. I had problems with an ex for years in the late 80s, early 90s. He even moved into a flat 2 doors down from me, would follow me to work & back, approach me when I was out with my ds and threatened my them partner more than once.

As soon as he hassles you, contact the Police and do it every time it happens. Keep a record too, but please, for your own sake, tell him no contact now and stick to it.

YOu are stringing him along by having dinner and long conversations.

if you want it to stop, tell him and then ignore/refuse any requests to see him

That's the thing, Huw. I'm scared that when I do that I'm going to get the sort of grief lazarusb has.

In some ways I think it's better to make no definitive statement and then hope he finds someone who interests him more (and will actually sleep with him). If I try to be hard with him I will get a reaction.

He is not going to find someone else because he is obsessed with you and fairly or not you have fed that obsession by maintaining contact that goes way beyond "just friends". He believes with some justification that he is the only one who really understands you and he hopes, as has happened before, that boredom/loneliness will lead you back into a relationship with him.

You have two choices. Sever all contact with him or tell him that you are happy to continue to be friends but he needs to understand and accept that that is all it will ever be. Tell him you are being straight with him because it would be unfair to give him the wrong impression and lead him on. If he says "sure ok", then you should make it clear that it may well involve him having to deal with you going out with someone else. Ask him if he can deal with that and say you understand if not.

What you can't do is go on like you are. You are in a coerced relationship with him based on fear, and you are feeding that relationship by leading him on. Not good for you or him.

kittyfishers,please get help with this.
This is a potential serious situation and I think you realise this.
you shouldnt be going around "compartmentalizing the different aspects of him".You know really that they are all part of him.
If you keep going as you are doing,you will not get rid of him.Are you prepared still to be doing this when you are 60?

Kitty - believe me, it was still preferable to being with him (and my bf at that time was a complete shit too! ). Harassment laws have come into being now which will help you. My ex's dad was a local pc and pretty much every time I called the Police it was passed onto him and never dealt with properly.

However, I perfected the art of ignoring him, not making eye contact and crossing the road if I saw him coming. Eventually it became less frequent and ended completely when he met someone else.

You said it's your fault that the relationship is still going, but it's not really, kitty. You are trying to manage a man who doesn't respond as normal people do. You instinctively know his behaviour is 'off', even though he's not unlikeable to your eyes. And it's not so easy to deal with people like this.

He has already admitted stalker behaviour and you've seen a few flavours of that already.

To deal with it - you have to try to cut off contact,as the others have said. Lazarusb has it nailed perfectly, about keeping a record and contacting police.

If you are afraid to do this, extend the times between when you see him, and reduce the time as well. Aim towards cutting him out completely. There is no 'halfway house' with people like this.

Above all,don't worry about how he feels, or if he's hurt, or any of that. He will probably try to get some reaction out of you. Respect your own feelings at every turn - listen to how you feel, not what he says, if you see my meaning.