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Original poster

What to do when someone doesn't want to give you up?

127 replies

kittyfishersknickers · 11/07/2012 00:04

Hi, sorry, me again

Have had loads of good and kind advice on this thread

Basically, I am now at the point when I want him out of my life, but I'm not sure how easy he is going to be to shift. I no longer live/stay with him but we are still in contact and have dinner occasionally and have long conversations etc. So it's a bit like an emotional affair except it's not an affair, we've already had a relationship, sex etc.

I think he thinks it's only a matter of time before I 'come round' and get back together with him properly. I'm not sure how he's going to react when I say I don't want any contact any more.

In the past he has been a bit jealous, although in a jokey way - e.g. being a bit funny with me spending time with male friends, always wanting to know 'who was there' if I went to a party, and getting a bit funny about me going running because the clothes I wear are tight and he thinks men will look at me (that last is the weirdest and I don't think an OK or normal way to think). He also knows where I work and vaguely where I now live. He has hinted that in the past he has been a bit obsessed with girls who have chucked him, including writing letters to them etc.

Just wondering anyone can advise me on how best to do the splitting up. I am conscious that I don't want to wind him up or provoke him, especially as I now realise the jealousy stuff is a pretty big red flag.

I suppose I'm a bit worried about how he might react when he realises I'm serious.

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 11/07/2012 18:06

*I meant, reduce the time spent with him

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 11/07/2012 18:44

I know you're all right - if he started being really harassy and horrid I could phone the police. And what can he really do to me anyway? He might have weird tendencies but he's not going to murder me for breaking up with him (except I keep reading newspaper stories about men who have just done that, like about 5 in the past week...)

I think it's just the thought of him being angry which is frightening, not so much the thought of him doing anything. It's part of his personality that if you tell him he can't have or do something he focuses all his efforts on having it or doing it.

OP posts:
coffeeandcake · 11/07/2012 18:57

finish it now via email. tell him clearly that you don't want anymore contact. and stick to it. keep all emails and texts and everything else
He WILL be angry - but that's the choice he's making. make sure you have people around you, and AS SOON as any contact is made, go to the police.
I am being harassed by an ex at the moment (again, a charming, good looking, upstanding pillar of the community Hmm ).

amillionyears · 11/07/2012 19:03

If him going to be angry is your hurdle,then focus on that.
When you are feeling up to it,imagine him being angry.
others are telling you to finish with him via email.I think some suggested text.
Imagine it.Imagine how you are going to do it,and imagine what he might send or text back.
And have people with you when you do it.So imagine that part too.Who are you going to have with you,and what might they say to help you.
You could even go so far as to have a dummy run one evening,or saturday afternoon or whatever.
Hopefully,that should help take away some of the fear you have about him being potentially angry.

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 11/07/2012 22:45

OK, am feeling more confident about it all now.

I mean, what can he actually do? It's what goes on in my head that's the problem. Someone said something on the other thread about not wanting to upset an authority figure and that is a bit what it's like. I feel unreasonable for doing it even though he's done loads of things wrong.

OP posts:
TalHotBlond · 11/07/2012 22:56

There is a book called "The Gift of Fear" which is pretty heavy but has quite a useful chapter on how to divert unwanted male attention, break up with potentially violent/stalk-y partners etc. Basically the author advises being direct and to the point, no letting down gently or offering false hope and them simply cutting all contact no matter what. There was an interesting bit where he gave an example of an ex partner ringing someone's house phone fifty times before she eventually answered, basically telling him that the cost of getting her to pick up was fifty phone calls, making him more likely to persist calling.

solidgoldbrass · 12/07/2012 01:36

Kitty, remember that HE IS THE BAD PERSON. Not you. You are free from any obligation to worry about or take care of his feelings, because he is a bad person who has mistreated you. This negates anything he ever did that was nice. He is a bad person who means you harm. There is plenty of help and support and people who will believe you, because you are telling the truth about his abuse of you: it is absolutely fine to say to him 'Do not contact me ever again. you are dumped.' And you can also start from absolutely cold: talk to the police and say 'My ex partner who lives 60 miles away is stalking and harassing me' and they will believe you and ACT. They will go round and say 'Hello Mr Inadequate, it's time you left Kitty alone, and if you don't, we will be back to arrest you.' And if you have to call them again and say, he's phoned me and asked to meet me. then they will arrest him..

amillionyears · 12/07/2012 08:00

He may be an authorirt figure,but for all you know,he may well have lied to get that job.Fot all you know he may be stealing from his employer,lying on paperwork,vastly upsetting his colleagues etc. etc.

lazarusb · 12/07/2012 11:05

He sounds fucked up tbh. My ex had been sleeping around with lots of people for a long time, but the moment I ended it, I was the only one he wanted. His contact doesn't need to be threatening or abusive to be classed as harassment, just unwanted. If you tell him to leave you alone and he doesn't respect your wishes, ring the police.

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 12/07/2012 15:27

The stupid thing is, I don't think I would feel that he deserves to be arrested for phoning me, even if it freaked me out. I think I would feel guilty tbh if that happened.

amillionyears, I didn't mean 'authority figure' in the work sense although he is that too. Lots of his colleagues really don't like him, I know that

lazarusb, I wouldn't put it past mine to be the same, after other people etc. But he loves a challenge, and hates not being able to have whatever he wants whenever he wants it. What TalHotBlond says rings true - if things are difficult to achieve he just sees that as having a higher 'price'. I know I am enabling that by eventually responding to him

OP posts:
amillionyears · 12/07/2012 15:33

You are enabling his behaviour.In ways that are apparent to him,and by what is going on in your head too.
In your heart of hearts,do you want him to give you up?

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 12/07/2012 18:45

Can't say that I do 100% - there are still good things about him - is sexy, funny, clever etc. He is not actually horrible to me (apart from the incidents, but because he refuses to accept responsibility for them it is still hard to get angry about them)

But this is massively overshadowed by what he's done which is why I have made the decision to get out

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 12/07/2012 20:19

Good for you kittyfk ? you sound strong today.

It's an unfortunate thing that some of the most sexy, fun, interesting, and romantic men have a dark streak running through them. If they were simply bad people ? or, if we saw that dark streak clearly from day 1 - none of us would spend time on a relationship with them. That's what makes it so confusing. :(

Stay strong!

amillionyears · 12/07/2012 21:48

So am I right in thinking that you are 100% going to tell him that you are going to split with him?

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 12/07/2012 22:06

Yes. Am less nervous of the reaction now, I just know I've got to stick to my guns or it won't work.

Was feeling much shakier about it yesterday, probably because I had a horrible dream about him night before last

OP posts:
amillionyears · 12/07/2012 22:10

You are fearful,and that is very understandable.
And totally understand how dreams can make you shaky.

I should split with him sooner rather than later,but on a day when you feel relatively strong and prepared.

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 12/07/2012 22:27

I'm a bit torn on how to do it. Would rather text/email but have a feeling that won't seem 'real' to him and the message won't get through.

face to face is a bit scary, although I don't think he will actually do anything. Really don't think he's violent, so not sure what I am actually scared of tbh. I'm not usually intimidated in normal life.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 12/07/2012 22:38

A couple of people on here said do it so that you have a record.
I suppose the other way from text/email is to write a letter,and photocopy it before you send it.
Then send it so that when he receives it,he has to sign for it,so you will have a postal record to say that he has definitely signed it and therefore received it.
And that way,he is bound to remember,and cannot get out of it by saying he never received anything from you.

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 12/07/2012 22:44

I think maybe the problem with that is that he will have loads of questions and will feel the thing is unresolved and that he still has a chance. Whereas if I do it face to face then I can explain my feelings more. I think that would be fairer. Then if he carries on contacting me I can always email him saying 'we've had this conversation and I've asked you not to contact me'.

Because the last time I tried to stop contact was over text and he didn't get it and kept sending texts, saying things like 'When someone says hello the idea is you say hello back' etc. Then I got the phone call after work.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 12/07/2012 22:48

He did get it by text,but you kept responding which is what he wanted.
If you choose to do it face to face,take someone with you,do it in daylight,do it in a public place,and have your physical exit ready.

thixotropic · 12/07/2012 22:58

you dont need to justify yourself though, do you?

you dont need to explain your feelings

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 12/07/2012 23:02

I know that if I don't it will be like a mystery to him and he won't give up till he knows why (even though he's been told). I feel like just saying 'don't ever contact me again or I will call the police' is being provocative....

actually maybe that's stupid

OP posts:
Kernowgal · 12/07/2012 23:07

I think you need to meet him, and take a friend with you, if that's possible. You need to tell him firmly and definitively, in front of said friend, that you do not want him to contact you again and if he does you will call the police.

I know exactly where you're coming from in a way as I dreaded breaking up with my ex because I was terrified that he would attack me. He didn't, as it happens, but it stopped me from making the break for ages.

You don't need to justify yourself at all. It is entirely your right to break up with him for whatever reason you want (or none at all), and he has no right to know what that reason was. Giving him a reason will just encourage him, IMO, to try to find other ways to win you back. He will be more than aware, believe me.

amillionyears · 12/07/2012 23:09

kitty,it wont be a mystery to him.And he will know why.
He just makes you think these things to get you to keep interacting.
You are pandering to him.
And he will say whatever it takes to get a reaction from you.
On the day for instance,he may say,just as you are leaving,"oh,I dont feel well",or "well can I see you on saturday to give you a present",or "if I see you on your own next time,you wont say these things" or or or or.You get the picture.

solidgoldbrass · 13/07/2012 00:19

Kitty: He's raped you once already. He is dangerous. It doesn't matter what he says, what he thinks, what he feels. He's a bad, worthless human being, and all the 'nice' things he did were not real. They were bait in a trap. Any niceness he shows now is bait in a trap. He means you nothing but harm.