What to do when someone doesn't want to give you up?

[kittyfishersknickers]

Hi, sorry, me again

Have had loads of good and kind advice on this thread

Basically, I am now at the point when I want him out of my life, but I'm not sure how easy he is going to be to shift. I no longer live/stay with him but we are still in contact and have dinner occasionally and have long conversations etc. So it's a bit like an emotional affair except it's not an affair, we've already had a relationship, sex etc.

I think he thinks it's only a matter of time before I 'come round' and get back together with him properly. I'm not sure how he's going to react when I say I don't want any contact any more.

In the past he has been a bit jealous, although in a jokey way - e.g. being a bit funny with me spending time with male friends, always wanting to know 'who was there' if I went to a party, and getting a bit funny about me going running because the clothes I wear are tight and he thinks men will look at me (that last is the weirdest and I don't think an OK or normal way to think). He also knows where I work and vaguely where I now live. He has hinted that in the past he has been a bit obsessed with girls who have chucked him, including writing letters to them etc.

Just wondering anyone can advise me on how best to do the splitting up. I am conscious that I don't want to wind him up or provoke him, especially as I now realise the jealousy stuff is a pretty big red flag.

I suppose I'm a bit worried about how he might react when he realises I'm serious.

I too remember you from the previous thread as posted in it, too.

Again in reference to my ex when he did what he did this was my second chance. Like I previously stated he had done other ... things when I was around 13, 4 years previous. I didn't mention (this is why I felt so stupid and deserving of what he did) that for the first 2 years (from me being 13 to 15 and him being 17 to 19) he did some pretty stalkerish stuff, because he didn't like me to turning him down.

I used to do taekwando, he would wait until I finished and tried to accost me on the way back. I was in board in school so I had to get my male friends to take me back. He would text and hound me. He would turn up when I went to get my medication/prescription.

One minute it was 'I love you' next it's 'I'm going to fuck you up if you don't want to be with me'. I was stupid to forgive him but for the year beforehand all that behaviour stopped, so it seemed he had turned 'normal' and at 16 (when started dating him again) he was a complete gentleman until about the same time the year after.

So yes, treading carefully is a good idea. On the first time I broke up with him via text. I would've done it in person, but as he sexually assaulted me and the care staff of the school had to drag him out I couldn't and really didn't want to. I texted him and the next day he had my friend by the neck saying she made me break up with him. I know, pretty messed up, right? I told him it was me and for the next 2 years I didn't get a minute. Even thoug hhe broke up with me the second time, although we both officially broke up mutually it was him who said it - I still had harassment from him. No 'I love yous' it was a mix of 'I hate you and I hope you die' and 'I don't love you but I damn wish could f**k you' etc.

So after that personal self indulgence, I apologise. What I was trying to illustrate is that you have to be careful with these types. They may seem harmless, but they aren't always. But at the same time, they may just be all mouth. Best not to find out.

Message him and say that you're not interested in pursuing a relationship with him. This includes a friendship, because that continues an attachment between the two of you and he will see it as 'hope'. Just say you don't want to be together and for him to please leave you alone and delete your number/don't come round to your workplace etc.

I hope things work out okay for you, kitty.

Wow, that's scary Altruistic. I'm glad you got away from him in the end.

solid - I know... And I have actually realised recently that he has done more bad things than I thought. I was reading a thread where the OP was saying her partner had had sex with her even though she didn't say yes (she froze, so couldn't say no) and was asking if it was rape. Everyone said yes. That's happened to me but I wouldn't have classed it as rape (him doing it when I was asleep/half asleep - don't know why, I guess just because we'd done it before and I was in bed with him he was within his rights)

(can't sleep btw, as you've probably worked out...)

If you're asleep you have no way of giving consent at all, kitty. That would freak me out if my partner did it when I was asleep but I know he wouldn't. He'd probably kiss my lips quickly and leave it at that. Although he has humped in his sleep but he can't help what he does in his sleep and I just move if it annoys me and it stops. :)

I hope things turn out safe for you in the end, kitty. It's a shame not all men are respectful.

Nodding in agreement at the last few posters. Some brilliant advice here.

Kittyfk, you said earlier that when he can't have something he goes all out to get it. Pretending not to understand 'no' is part of that game. Pretending not to understand you, when you are breaking up with him, is also part of that game. He knows perfectly well what is going on; as the others have said, he's not as dense as he makes out.

Amillion gave some classic examples of the kind of manipulation you can expect. Things that sound reasonable and are hard to say 'no' to. 'When someone says hello the idea is to say hello back' is another classic. Pay no attention.

I read the de Becker book TalHot mentioned some time ago ? a very tough read, couldn't sleep after I read it! But it taught me a lot. Some people know we don't want to seem rude, unhelpful or unkind - and they play on it, sometimes very ruthlessly.

So you have to be willing to be blunt, and build stronger boundaries than you've ever had before.

Having a friend with you and your exit ready is excellent advice.

You can do this kittyfk.

I think you need to get hard here Kitty. Remember the terrible abuse he has (and still is) subjecting you to. Ignore the 'nice' bits, which are just bait as SGB pointed out. He is dangerous and manipulative. Don't give him the benefit of face of face, he doesn't deserve it. Write a very clear e-mail stipulating no further contact of any kind. Of course he will try and pretend he doesn't understand but don't fall for that. A man who can rape and bully a woman into doing what he wants isn't worthy of your time, thought or stress.

You can do this, but you need to want to enough to stop yourself making excuses for him.

Also, Kitty, remember he is not superhuman. He is not above the law. He can be forced to leave you alone, to the extent of being put in prison if he continues to harass you.

Hello kitty,

I have just read your previous thread. I too am in a similar situation. My H will not accept that it is over. I can only share what I have learnt so far:

He is an abuser.
You cannot communicate with an abuser as you would a 'normal' human being.
You will try to justify your decision to leave to him - play out the scenario in your head - what you will say, his reply etc etc. He will not take it in. All/any communication is seen as a green light to continue the relationship (even negative communication).
Stopping all contact may seem cruel, but it isn't. do it today.

You only get one life. You are worth so much more.

Chip x

You did not come back on to this thread yesterday,so I didnt either.
But I have had 1 more thought about your situation.
I tend to imagine how things will play out in my head.
And I can imagine you going wherever to meet up with him,hopefully taking someone with you.You say what you want to say to him,he continually engages you in conversation,you want to leave,but feel polite and end up staying longer than you wish.Now at this point,the person with you needs to almost drag you out of the room or place.But if you have someone there who is also a little like you,and keeps talking to him,it isnt really going to work well.So you need to take a person with you who will actually force you to leave if necessary.

Hi - thanks
I think what I'm going to do is just 'forget' to reply to texts that aren't actually asking a direct question, not pick up the phone unless I know who it is and just being 'busy' constantly for the foreseeable future. If he says he wants to meet up to discuss the relationship/anything else and get scratchy about it I will meet up with him ONCE and say I can't carry on the relationship because I've met someone else. I've thought about this, and although for a lot of abusive guys this could be a trigger to violence I don't think it will to him because he is actually quite intimidated by other men in a lot of ways. So I think if he thinks there's a chance my new partner will get fucked off that will be a big deterrent to him hassling me.

ok,seems like a good plan.
Dont mean to be picky,but if his text asked a direct question,would you respond then?

" 'When someone says hello the idea is you say hello back' "

And when someone says "fuck off" the idea is that you leave them alone.

I suspect you're not quite as rude forthright as to put it that way, though.

Regardless of politeness.

Just text him that you don't want to see him again and stop replying to his texts and his phone messages.

He either gets the message or you go to the police for harassment. You don't need to threaten him to start with, but if he persists you will need to tell him to stop or you will go to the police. And then go.

Save all your messages and his too, so that you can show the police if necessary.

Kitty, he doesn't deserve any politeness at all. He has forfeited the right to be treated like a normal person because he is a BAD ABUSIVE PERSON not an ordinary nice one. What he deserves is a text saying 'Fuck right off you rapist scumbag, if you ever come anywhere near me again I'll press charges.'

Every day, every minute of every day, people decide to leave partners or cut contact with friends, for all sorts of reasons. And most of the time, the dumped people just deal with it. It's only abusive people that persist in trying to maintain contact with someone who dislikes them and wants to be rid of them. There is no point in trying to be nice and civil and reasonable with abusive people, you just have to tell them to fuck off and back it up with police and legal means if necessary. Because everyone is entitled to refuse contact with someone they don't want to see. There is absolutely nothing in the law of the land that says you have to see, speak to or respond in any way to someone you want to be rid of.

listen to sgb, kitty

it seems you still want to play games with this awful man, and this is your downfall

cut him off

immediately and completely

then inform the authorities if he harasses you

you will end up having to do that anyway, even if you try the game-playing approach because he has zero respect for your autonomy

It really needs to be no contact at all. He doesn't deserve the time of day. Remember how this man has treated you. I think that has a huge impact on how you are behaving now, you need to be strong but he is still taking advantage of the fact that you aren't (because of him). You don't need him in your life at all, until he is gone from it you will struggle to get stronger and be you.

Right. I have done it. I met him last night and told him I wanted the relationship to end. He did a bit of questioning, did I really mean end? Like, forever? Said yes. Made him cry. But he seemed to accept it. Have had no contact from him (only been 48 hours).

So now if I do get contact do I respond, or give nothing? Can we ever be friends and meet up once a month or not really?

Do not reply to any contact. He will see it as a green light and you will be back to square one again.

You cannot meet up with him, not once a month or year or ever.

Yep good point.

I am feeling a bit unhappy about it, would like it if we could have some kind of contact but I know that won't work. It's a shame he's horrible because he's also very funny, handsome etc. but there you go...

Agree with Geordieminx.
And well done kittyfishersknickers.
If you look at it like he is addicted to you,he cannot have contact with you as it wont do him any good.

Hmm. Texts now and 'can I talk to you?'

um no

The addiction analogy is good although it works both ways (but I am not a rapist/control freak)

Just don't engage.

Really, really, really do not reply. You will wind up back at square one if you do.

Well done on breaking contact.

Now please, for your own good, stick to it.

Thanks. I know. It really is for my own good but it's quite hard. I've been getting alternately anxious and regretful about it but am reasonably confident I can do it... I think

Wow, kittyfk, well done you!

This next period of time may be tough going. As you rightly say, it's an addiction which works both ways.

You might be thinking about the good times, and perhaps, dangerously, minimising the bad. And he will probably begin a kind of charm offensive. But it will get uglier if you take another dose of the drug.

Can you try to fill your time and distract yourself as much as you can. Or post on here if you feel drawn to talk to him. But don't do it!