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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do when someone doesn't want to give you up?

127 replies

kittyfishersknickers · 11/07/2012 00:04

Hi, sorry, me again

Have had loads of good and kind advice on this thread

Basically, I am now at the point when I want him out of my life, but I'm not sure how easy he is going to be to shift. I no longer live/stay with him but we are still in contact and have dinner occasionally and have long conversations etc. So it's a bit like an emotional affair except it's not an affair, we've already had a relationship, sex etc.

I think he thinks it's only a matter of time before I 'come round' and get back together with him properly. I'm not sure how he's going to react when I say I don't want any contact any more.

In the past he has been a bit jealous, although in a jokey way - e.g. being a bit funny with me spending time with male friends, always wanting to know 'who was there' if I went to a party, and getting a bit funny about me going running because the clothes I wear are tight and he thinks men will look at me (that last is the weirdest and I don't think an OK or normal way to think). He also knows where I work and vaguely where I now live. He has hinted that in the past he has been a bit obsessed with girls who have chucked him, including writing letters to them etc.

Just wondering anyone can advise me on how best to do the splitting up. I am conscious that I don't want to wind him up or provoke him, especially as I now realise the jealousy stuff is a pretty big red flag.

I suppose I'm a bit worried about how he might react when he realises I'm serious.

OP posts:
Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 19/07/2012 20:17

Thanks. I have not heard from him since yesterday, hoping it will stay that way. Today I was feeling v pleased with self for having made the break. I am going away this weekend and during the Olympics to a place with no mobile signal which will be a plus...

OP posts:
lazarusb · 20/07/2012 11:51

Good for you, enjoy it. If he texts you again, just delete it immediately, don't even read it. You will only get drawn in and feel guilty for not replying and you don't have to. Your life can only be better without him in it. I know it's hard, the 'drama' of having someone like that in your life can be exciting but it's devastating and soul destroying long term, you will never come off best. Stay away Smile

ladyWordy · 20/07/2012 21:37

Thinking of you kittyfk. The weekend might be tricky or trigger a few things, so keep feeling pleased with yourself (you deserve to) - treat yourself a little if you can, and above all stick to your guns.

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 20/07/2012 22:12

Just managed to scare myself reading this story in the paper about how this woman's ex stabbed her in the stomach for ending their relationship. There tends to be a big threatening build up to that, right??
I've got a feeling that in about 3 days he is going to stop feeling sad and pining and start hating me. When we met up he said it was 'naughty' of me to try and break up with him the last time. I don't like the thought of someone hating me Sad It slightly freaks me out not knowing what he's thinking

OP posts:
tribpot · 20/07/2012 22:18

What are the alternatives, kitty? You can't stay with him out of fear of ending it. You need to break free of this man - and frankly you need to stop caring what he thinks about you. You said earlier "I'm not sure he really sees me as a real person, with my own feelings. Just one of his many toys" - seriously, you cannot get your sense of self-worth from someone like that.

For now, keep calm - but you're right to be wary. See what the week brings.

amillionyears · 20/07/2012 22:23

I can understand you feeling uneasy.
Is there anything speacial about 3 days time,such as an anniversary or birthday?
I dont think anybody truly knows what anyone else is thinking.
Do you think he would hate you.it may be more about trying to control you.
Staying away from newspapers and TV news for a few days might be a good idea.Watch some comedy programmes or socialise with friends and family might be better.

JustFabulous · 20/07/2012 22:27

I tried to break contact with someone once. I would last for so long and then crack. It had been months and I wondered about texting and I thought about how I felt so great, and light, that I didn't have to deal with starting again with the no contact.

You can't be friends with this man who has raped you, scares you, doesn't bring anything good to your life. I know it is hard but you make a choice. It is all or nothing as you can't have things as they are now.

You are giving him far to much thought time.

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 20/07/2012 22:29

No, there's nothing special. I just think for a while he will be upset and mope about but quite quickly it will turn into 'what a bitch'.

You're right, tribpot, there's no alternative. But I keep thinking about what he might do to get back of me, ranging from the not v serious (and quite likely) stuff, like telling people I'm unhinged (what he said about a lot of his exes, incidentally) and serious stuff that is v unlikely. I know that he hates being thwarted more than anything, but his reaction may just be to sulk and whine and nothing else.

I'm probably being a little paranoid.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 21/07/2012 12:22

The fact is Kitty that incidents like the one you read about in the paper are (thankfully) rare. Yes, he might tell all sorts of lies about you but so what? People will either believe him or they won't. The few that do aren't your friends anyway. He is unlikely to hurt you I think because there has been a break in his power over you now. He knows you are more likely to report now.

Don't worry about him hating you either - the fact that he has raped and threatened you, however implicitly, indicates that he already does. He sees you as a child (calling you 'naughty') or worse - as nothing. Someone he can diminish, hurt and damage and who will NEVER fight back. I know it's hard, been there myself, but don't prove him right.

You are strong, brave and most importantly, you are not his victim.

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 21/07/2012 21:54

You are right lazarus. I actually don't think he would hurt me. He wouldn't risk being arrested/prosecuted.

According to his most recent text he has bought a boat to try and get over me Hmm So if anyone wants a barely-used boat, there should be one for sale in about three months.

I need to change my phone so that texts don't automatically display...

OP posts:
amillionyears · 21/07/2012 21:59

keep going.you are doing well.

solidgoldbrass · 22/07/2012 14:24

There is nothing to like about this man, Kitty. He's dishonest, selfish, manipulative and a rapist. The 'nice' bits are just an act he puts on, when he can be bothered. Just keep saying to yourself 'Why on earth would I want to be friends with an unrepentant rapist?' and that should help you ignore him.
And remember, if he does make threats, report him to the police and let them deal with him. Being arrested is no more than men like this deserve: it's a good thing to demonstrate to them that they are not above the law or special, and that most people actually despise unrepentant rapists.

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 22/07/2012 22:06

I know. We were this close to getting married not that long ago. Is weird. I'm glad I didn't do it though... Still can't think of him as a rapist.

Nothing from him today, it's a nice feeling

OP posts:
amillionyears · 22/07/2012 22:49

Hopefully,you will get to the point where you suddenly realise you havent thought about him all morning,then a morning and an afternoon etc.

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 23/07/2012 20:23

God, I am now having a huge emotional turmoil/panic attack thing going on. I feel terrible. It's come out of nowhere, literally.

Not because I miss him - I really hate him now. I have had a sudden flash of realisation about him and what he is really like, and what he made me into. I think I now have an accurate picture of him and what he's done and I feel completely sick that I had anything to do with him. I feel like I could throw up, like I'm in shock. Nothing has happened to provoke this! What's wrong with me?

I feel completely horrible.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 23/07/2012 20:30

I think reality has hit you.
Like you have come out of the fog or something.
I dont really know much about this.
Someone more knowledgeable than me should be able to help you soon.
[holding hands]

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 23/07/2012 20:32

I feel like I deserve it tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 23/07/2012 20:32

to feel like this I mean

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 23/07/2012 20:48

No, you don't deserve it at all! What you're feeling is normal... it's horrid when you realise what someone is really like, and what he did to you :(

Do you have any nice friends you could call?

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 23/07/2012 20:51

I do deserve it a bit. I have been horrible in lots of ways.

I have friends but haven't told anyone at all about this whole situation. I find it very hard to talk about stuff like this. I am always the tough and amusing one. I wouldn't even know where to start.

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 23/07/2012 20:57

Well, I wouldn't waste time feeling bad about being horrid to this guy, if that's what you mean?

Lots of people find it hard to talk about things like this, it is very normal. But you might find your friends were very understanding. Or alternatively you could find someone more 'official' to talk to, like Women's Aid/Rape Crisis, or ask your GP for a short course of counselling.

Whatever you do, don't feel bad about feeling bad - make sure you're really nice to yourself for a bit.

Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 23/07/2012 20:59

It's not even just about the rape any more. It's what I was like throughout the entire relationship, the way I viewed things, what I thought of myself, my relationship, other people's relationships. It was so completely screwed up. I still feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
kittyfishersknickers · 23/07/2012 21:00

I'm so glad I ended it though. At least I can hang on to that.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 23/07/2012 21:05

"I feel like I could throw up,like I'm in shock".
I think you are in shock Kitty.
The only thing i know for shock is a cup of tea,preferably with sugar!
You might want to google shock.

You have not been horrible.You do not deserve it.
Up to you whether you tell your friends.I think you will do in time.

Once you have got through all this,you will feel a lot better.
A holiday,or a few days away,in the near future might be a good idea if you can.

tribpot · 23/07/2012 21:17

I agree, Kitty - I think your brain finally feels safe enough to let you glimpse what you've been suppressing all this time. Would you be able to call Rape Crisis do you think? Or perhaps ask your GP to refer you for counselling?

No need to take any steps until you are ready. You are safe and you are free. Those are two massive leaps forward for now.