What to do when someone doesn't want to give you up?

[kittyfishersknickers]

Hi, sorry, me again

Have had loads of good and kind advice on this thread

Basically, I am now at the point when I want him out of my life, but I'm not sure how easy he is going to be to shift. I no longer live/stay with him but we are still in contact and have dinner occasionally and have long conversations etc. So it's a bit like an emotional affair except it's not an affair, we've already had a relationship, sex etc.

I think he thinks it's only a matter of time before I 'come round' and get back together with him properly. I'm not sure how he's going to react when I say I don't want any contact any more.

In the past he has been a bit jealous, although in a jokey way - e.g. being a bit funny with me spending time with male friends, always wanting to know 'who was there' if I went to a party, and getting a bit funny about me going running because the clothes I wear are tight and he thinks men will look at me (that last is the weirdest and I don't think an OK or normal way to think). He also knows where I work and vaguely where I now live. He has hinted that in the past he has been a bit obsessed with girls who have chucked him, including writing letters to them etc.

Just wondering anyone can advise me on how best to do the splitting up. I am conscious that I don't want to wind him up or provoke him, especially as I now realise the jealousy stuff is a pretty big red flag.

I suppose I'm a bit worried about how he might react when he realises I'm serious.

Oh Kitty love! Hang in there, post as much as you need to. Awful though it is, this is kind of the bottom of the slope and the only way is up. You've seen him as he really is, there is no going back and no need to fear his manipulations any more. As Tribpot says, you're safe, you're free - and if there is any aggravation from him at all, the police are there to help.

Hope you feel better when you read this kittyfk.

I'm not medically trained but would say you have been holding in a lot of fear, and feeling a lot more fear than you might have realised, over the past few days.

Sometimes when the perceived threat passes, it all comes out in a rush, boom!! Shaking, panting, a kind of huge nameless fear, faintness etc. I guess this is a kind of adrenal kickback, or psychological shock. Has happened to me after a threatening/violent situation.

But none of this stuff about deserving it, now , that's just your mind playing tricks.

Lots of tea, plus a call to kind friend or relative may be in order, NHS Direct or GP if you are worried about your health.
Take care and hope you sleep OK.

well done Kitty.
So hard to leave these things.
I had a relationship very like yours once. Scares me to think of it. He moved onto his next victim once he got it into his head I was serious about not seeing him again.

Do you live alone? DO you have siblings / parents you can confide in?
again, well done

and this is from Tessa on your previous thread. Very wise:

The truth is Kitty, if you're in your 20s, as I suspect maybe you are, it's not unusual to have a relationship with an older guy and to find that such a relief after the immaturity and insecurity of 'boys'. Putting up with the sort of stuff we're talking about it too much, really. Older guys go for younger girls for lots of reasons, sometimes, subconsciously because they enjoy feeling big and powerful and older and the girl basks in feeling safe, protected and respectful.

I've done it, hell most young girls I know have done it. But listen to me, this is not the man you'll spend the rest of your life with. It isn't. So what you do with that is up to you. You've already got a little but of a sick feeling in your stomach about it. When you reach a stage where you're not happy, you feel trapped and you've outgrown him (and I'd bet everything in my pockets you will soonish) LEAVE. Don't worry about how much it hurts him. It's okay. Everybody goes through it. Suddenly the big guy becomes the broken child and you feel too guilty/scared to leave him when he's vulnerable etc etc and you've already said how him getting upset makes you freak out and backtrack, like there's a part of you that's a child who's upset an authority figure and just makes to want it okay. This is classic young girl older man stuff. There's nothing wrong with you being upset, there's nothing wrong with you not being upset, there's nothing even wrong with being with someone older necessarily, but most importantly there's nothing wrong with you.

Just see it for what it is, take what you need. And when you're ready, give yourself permission to go.

Thank you. I absolutely know I have made the right decision. No risk of me going back to him now, feels completely different to all the other times I tried to end it and it didn't work. TBF he has been pretty good with no contact, nothing since the weekend. I think I put my point across pretty well when I spoke to him last week.

My problem now is that I have too much time on my hands as am not working at the moment, and brain is in overdrive. I need to get out and do something but don't know what, and don't feel like eating so feel lethargic.

Try to eat good small meals.
You need to take good care of yourself now.
Running,walking,reading?

Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit rough. Keep up your fluid intake, try a banana, bowl of cereal...something small and light to keep you going. I think you are in an emotional turmoil at the moment. Have you tried cleaning, going to the library etc? Anything, just to take your mind off it!

Well done for getting this far Kitty, and thank you for this thread as it is helping me with the break-up with my XP who was emotionally and psycologically abusing me and cheating.
Look after yourself now. Make this time for you.

LittleDragon, I'm glad it's helping you. I have just reached a point where I think 'you're actually really horrible' and it's clear as day. I love the fact I don't hear anything from him all day. I'm sure you will get to the same place too. Have you started your own thread? People offer very good advice.

Thanks lazarusb and amillionyears, I have done a round of charity shops and got 4 books for 7 pounds, which is pleasing. None of them are too heavy going! I have also popped a propanalol which the doc prescribed a while ago. I had previously thought them rubbish but was actually good for taking down physical symptoms of anxiety. I may get a repeat prescription (they are not addictive like valium).

The heat doesn't help - I'm eating about a meal a day and don't want any more, but drinking lots.

No I haven't started my own thread. I find it very hard to put what I feel into words and so don't feel confident starting a tread as I don't feel I'll get my point across in the right way.
As long as your drinking a lot it will help. If you feel you should have something but really can't face any food a milky drink may help.
If you find your getting bored of reading a lot and want to do something that would help others maybe consider doing some voluntary work. I used to volunteer in a charity shop and found that I made a very good support network and made sure I was ok. Due to my mental health they gave me a time to call the shop and if I hadn't called by this set time they would call me to check I was OK and if they couldn't get an answer they would have got the police round to check on me. Thankfully it never came to that but it does show how strong a support network you can build in them.
I'm at the point where I've had to phone his probation worker this morning so that I could get her to make him stop contacting me. I have stopped all contact with him 2 weeks ago but am getting daily emails saying he's changed and wants to get back together. Luckily I have my family to help me stay strong.

It's good you have RL support LittleDragon. I don't really have any, or any that I feel comfortable using.

If you did want to start your own thread, maybe just start off talking about one incident. Then people will probably start asking probing questions, that's what happened on mine anyway.

Kitty - I think you would be surprised how supportive your friends would be if you told them. You don't have to tell them everything, just that you ended it because he was making life difficult. You only need tell one too, to meet for coffee or be on the end of the phone. I am super busy for the the next couple of days but feel free to PM me if you want.

LittleDragon- if you post in Relationships you should hear kind words. If you feel you can't make yourself clear, post that too! You'll be amazed at how many others can help you clarify your thoughts.

Text today saying he misses me and is frustrated at the lack of contact.

The correct thing to do is ignore rather than repeat that it's for the best, right? I actually felt a bit sick when I got the message (v early this morning) and saw it was from him.

Yes, sit tight. Be tough.

Pretend you deleted the text by mistake/dropped your phone in the washing up/never got it?.

But don't answer.

His frustration = his problem.

Think of changing your phone number and/or blocking him if you can.
Weekends are likely to be hard, wishing you luck and strength kfk.

Yes ignore. You are under no obligation to ever have to talk to him or have any contact with him again.

He's a rapist and a shitty human being. Delete the text and block his number if you can.

When I finally managed to leave my bullying ex the realisation that I could just hit 'delete' whenever he texted or emailed was so refreshing! I felt really free and in control.

I also found that once the reality of what my relationship had been like sunk in, I started having PTSD like symptoms. I went to get counselling and I found it hugely helpful in working through everything and understanding what made me stay in such a shitty situation for so long.

I think you'd really benefit from some kind of therapy. As this guy still seems to be totally in your head and still able to manipulate you even remotely.

You need to get to the point where I'm at now, whenever I see another new friend request on Facebook from my ex, I just hit 'ignore' and shrug. Then I get in with my life.

(sorry, only jumping in now but Have been following the thread and saw your last thread as well).

How do you block a number? Do you have to ring up the provider or can you do it on your handset?

Actually, I don't know! I think you can ring up your provider and they'll do it for you. Or if they can't, they'll certainly know how you can.

OK. I will definitely think about that. Do you think he'd be able to tell that I've blocked him? For some reason I still don't like the idea of upsetting him.

ladywordy I did try therapy but really didn't get on with it. I just don't think I'm the sort of person who gets through things by talking about them face to face, I prefer to think about them and get outside objective views where I feel I need them (which is why MN is so useful). I found it hard that the counsellor wouldn't give a view.

Never reply. Ever, to anything. Even if you sent back a message calling him a fucking twat and saying you never wanted to speak to him again it would still be a step forward for him because if he can get you to reply than he can start up contact and conversation again. It's about wearing you down.

Even if he starts messaging you about something he left at yours that he needs or something plausible like that don't answer. It will be designed to make you feel bad and think "Well, it is his and it's only fair I sort it out". But it will be about getting his hooks in again.

It might be easier to change your number than block his, I'm afraid. No harm in trying though.

It's impossible to dump someone without upsetting them. How upset he gets about it however is up to him. He is responsible for his emotions.
I agree don't reply. It's kinder to him to cut all contact, he needs to get over you. Keep out of his life for a few months.

It's really difficult for me to change my number because so many work contacts etc. have it as their only way of contacting me, too many of them for me to let them know I've changed it. He hasn't been sending too many messages (although he did just try to call me) so I'll just have to toughen up!

It's concerning that youre still so bothered about what hes feeling. It doesn't matter what he's feeling. You don't have to care.

He won't be able to tell youve blocked his number anyway.

I think it's connected to being a bit scared of him. I feel like if I know what he's feeling, I can predict what he might do (if anything - he will probably do nothing)

You're doing amazingly well by the way. Stay strong.

If you feel threatened or frightened by him at any time, just call the police. Harassment and stalking doesn't have to be physically violent to be illegal.

Kitty - look at it this way - he didn't give a shit about how YOU felt, throughout your relationship and even now. He has been waiting for you to give in and contact him, you haven't so now he is trying to push your buttons. Don't give in, ignore all contact. Ring your network & find out how to block him - it really doesn't matter whether he knows or not. You need to break his hold on you once and for all and be very clear about it.