veeeee, I'm so glad the counselling went well. Keep it in your head, everything that was said, so you can recall it when you're struggling.
bertie asked why I'd separated with my NSDH in the first place. That was a good question, timely I think. It gave me pause. Here it is. Not all of it, of course, there are so many small stories within that there's just no room for, but here's enough of it.
I left because for the year before that (ie the whole first year of our marriage), it was constant up and down, an emotional rollercoaster that in the end got too much. And I grew increasingly scared of him. He threatened me with a golf club a week after we returned from honeymoon, and then used it to put a hole in our living room wall and smash up a bookcase in front of me. I was 22 weeks pregnant. After that, it was more little things - shouting, slamming doors, swearing at me, calling me names. (I was a 'stupid cunt' for not knowing if his car was locked or not). Apparently I was argumentative, I caused all the arguments and I wound him up. He was very jealous and couldn't bear me having had past relationships, once referred to me as the 'village bike' and demanded I give him details. All while pregnant. After I'd had our beautiful DS, it continued. When he was two weeks old and crying for his 2am feed, NSDH picked him up, wouldn't give him to me and said he was going to take him away somewhere and give him formula because I was controlling him with breastfeeding. The run-up to Christmas was awful, more physical stuff - pushing me about, pulling me, poking me hard in the arm (often while I was holding the baby or breastfeeding, so he knew I couldn't move or retaliate). In mid-Jan he assaulted me - not badly, it was more yanking me about the bed, poking me (bruised my arm), slapping me on leg, shaking fist in face and shouting at me nose-to-nose - but I was very shaken. I should've called police, but didn't. I nearly left, but didn't. I thought that would be a wake-up call to him. It wasn't. Things continued to slide back. I was getting increasingly depressed, the health visitor was concerned about me and my situation, but I was paralysed. I lost myself completely. I had friends calling me and begging me to leave.
In the end, it was no big thing that prompted me to leave. I was due to tidy out DS1's room (his stepson), he was annoyed I hadn't gotten round to it yet (because it's so easy to find spare time in the day when you've got a small baby). I said I'd get my mum up to help me. He basically forbad it, said he didn't want her interfering or in the house, shouted and swore at me (this was first thing in the morning, before 7am). When he left for work I texted my friend and gave her permission to tell my parents everything (they didn't know about the violence) if I didn't leave that day, knowing that they'd remove me from the house once they knew. And that's what happened.
Sorry (again) for long post. Recounting all that has brought me close to tears. Why am I so stupid as to still be fighting to maintain this relationship? But that's what I'm doing. He's telling me he's changed, but just last week he called me a 'lying fucking bitch' - referring to the lies I apparently told on our wedding day. He's not changed much, certainly not enough and I can feel things returning to how they were - I'm nervous in his presence and uncomfortable in discussions. Not to mention being manipulated. I moved most of my stuff into the new flat today, and NSDH is wanting assurances from me that I'll only be there a couple of months. I said it was down to him, how he was. He said no, it was just as much down to me, it was us working on stuff and he didn't want me to put it all onto him. I am being swept along again, I'm not strong enough to resist. I want to be with him but am scared of losing myself again.