The neighbours just came round to check on me because DP was shouting at me so loudly...

[DontknowhowIgothere]

As the title says really. Poor neighbours came round because the could here DP shouting through the walls at me v. violently. This must be the 100th time that he's lost it like this in the 3 years we've been together.

He's just gone into the spare room to sleep. Don't know what to do :( every time afterwards he so sorry and promises he won't get angry like that again but he always does :(

If it's a repeated problem, you need to seriously consider how much of a barrier it is in your relationship. If it takes up a lot of your relationship, seriously question why you are in it.

What does he shout at you for? Silly little things like the cat's litter tray or more serious things like money or the past? Has he ever shown any physical violence, or only verbally and does he call you names?

It's nice to know you have a nice neighbour though most people don't get involved these days.

But if he's like this a lot this relationship sounds like it's really not worth staying in. But it's your situation, not mine. He might be an angel in relation to everything else. I still don't think I personally could stay in a relationship though where I got shouted at once a week or whatever.

I hope you're not too shook up, nor the neighbour too traumatised. :)

How does he react to the neighbour checking on you?

Your neighbours are kind and very brave: it takes a lot for people to break social codes like that, so they must be very worried for you.

Do you feel safe tonight?

You can't live like that, with him shouting loud enough to bring the neighbours round.

What was the cause of this? Would he seek help? Otherwise I'd be prepared to walk.

Thanks for replying :) yes I feel safe. Just so sick of it happening over and over. He's never been physically violent as far as hitting but he has 'grabbed' my head before.

He's lovely the rest of the time - its a total Jekyll and Hyde situation. He can lose it over anything I guess it really depends on his mood.

Neighbours are lovely and I think DP was v. embarrassed but yet again he's blamed me for pushing him to this point.

Imperial - I've begged him every time to seek help but he won't even buy and Anger Management book. He thinks if he's said sorry all is fine. Tonights argument was because he felt like I was 'attacking' him and talking down to him.

Red flags all round.

He should not be blaming you, he should not shout for anything, he should not shout loud enough that the neighbours feel that they have to check on you (or get him to let them sleep) and he should not be shouting at you, really.

And he should not grab your head.

Do get out before you marry him or have kids, for your sake (and any possible child).

Sorry love but it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship and you should think about getting out.

Do you have children?

That's awful. I'm sorry you have been living like that for so long. Grabbing you is not ok. Nor is violent shouting at you. Nor is blaming you of this own behaviour. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

I think you could gain a lot from reading book

and any of the links on this thread

Well you say in your OP that it's the '100th time' he's done this and that he always promises he won't do it again. Clearly he cannot control his anger and has made no effort to change.

This time your neighbours came round, that must have taken a lot of courage on their part. Next time they will probably just call the police. I would. Who wants to listen to some arsehole screaming at their partner through their walls night after night?

And more importantly who wants to live with an arsehole who screams at them very violently time after time after time? Let me guess, he's lovely apart from the very violent screaming that he seems unable to control. My advice is to walk. He has no intention of dealing with his anger issues, surely he's made that crystal clear?

is he drunk?

This is domestic abuse. Google it, read up on it and make plans to leave.

does your dp scream at other people loud enough for bystanders to intervene? No? So, he can control his behaviour then, he just chooses to inflict it on you.

No-one should be living in fear. You can't spend your life worrying about when he'll lose it again and what he'll do to you next time.

Please understand, healthy relationships are not like this. You deserve respect - and a man who will respect you and behave like a grown up towards you. Toddler tantrums are understandable in small children, not in adults.

You are all right I know you are :(

I don't know why it is so hard to leave but when he's apologised and everything settles back to normal and he promises to change - well it's just too easy to kid yourself isn't it?

Thanks for the links HotDamn, will definately have a look at them.

No we don't have any children - I said I wouldn't have kids with him whilst he couldn't control his temper because I couldn't beat him losing it in front of them.

Head is pounding and eyes are so swollen from crying :( just need to sleep but I feel so sick.

Meant bear not beat - sorry on the iPhone.

Oh and no Custardo he's not drunk - but it gets worse when he is.

"I've begged him every time to seek help but he won't even buy an Anger Management book. He thinks if he's said sorry all is fine."

^^ well sorry OP but it's time to have the 'shape up or ship out' chat then :( You do not have to live like this and agree with others - for your neighbours to have intervened is a MASSIVE red flag because most people would rather sit in their living room rocking backwards and forwards trying to ignore it - the whole nonsense of the Englishman and his castle. Take this seriously and point it out to your DP. If he has another little tantrum - there's all the answer you need.

read the book hotdamn has linked. read the links at the top of this page (domestic violence webguide). domestic violence is not only women with black eyes and broken ribs. google emotional abuse.

you are in an abusive relationship. no doubt about it.

and the grabbing your head - is a very definite red flag - a warning of worse to come.

you have come to the right place. you will get loads of help here and you will get out of this poisonous relationship. you don't know what to do, but after reading that book and those links you will have no doubt as to what to do.

good luck, have a big hug and sorry for lack of caps!

X-posted OP and I know it's hard but as maples said - you have one life. Why waste it with this angry manchild?

"he's blamed me for pushing him to this point"

Red flag there I'm afraid. His behaviour is his responsibility.

Poor you. It's horrible feeling so awful.

That is incredibly smart and wise of you to put off having children because of the harm it will cause them to witness his rages, by the way.

so sorry Op this is domestic abuse and he is much more likely to get worse than get better.

best to get out now, if you really really can't make yourself than do all the reading that you can and start keeping a diary. it will help you keep track of the truth (which he will be denying) that there is not much good time in your relationship at all and that what there is is NOT worth tha bad abuse that you are enduring.

It took me 12 years and 6 children to get to where you are now...looking at the truth. Go out and reclaim your life, no person should treat another like this.

I think I have somehow managed to convince myself over time that this sort of behaviour was normal but it isn't is it?

I have had the 'this needs to change or I'm leaving' talk with him before but I never follow through on it. He makes me believe that I have a very equal part to play in these arguments (even though I'm normally in tears) and he says that this doesn't happen with anyone else so it must be me that's the problem.