The neighbours just came round to check on me because DP was shouting at me so loudly...

[DontknowhowIgothere]

As the title says really. Poor neighbours came round because the could here DP shouting through the walls at me v. violently. This must be the 100th time that he's lost it like this in the 3 years we've been together.

He's just gone into the spare room to sleep. Don't know what to do :( every time afterwards he so sorry and promises he won't get angry like that again but he always does :(

Don't feel stupid. A lot of intelligent, strong women have been exactly where you are. You've spotted quite early that this is not right instead of putting up with it for ten, twenty, thirty years, or telling yourself that if you have a baby it will make DP calm down (HUGE mistake that would be!).

What's your situation with housing, finances and so on? For free confidential legal advice, call the Rights of Women Advice Line on 020 7251 6577.

Just wanted to say thank you again - I would have been a real state if I couldn't have talked to you all on here.

I think I am going to sleep now because my head is really pounding, then in the morning I will ring my mum.

I will have a good read of this links on the emotional abuse thread you linked me to - its harder for him to convince me it's nothing when his behaviour is in black and white and labelled as abuse.

I will come back and let you know how it goes tomorrow. Night ladies xx

Actually, HotDAMN makes a good point about your mum and dad. I would definitely start with your best friend. I very much doubt she believes that everything is ok, no matter what you have told her.

Sleep well Dontknow, safe in the knowledge that you will be free of this very very soon xx

Sleep well - and just clear your history on your computer - just in case :)

You are far from stupid, you know it isn't right which is why you posted here. There is nothing wrong in wanting to see the best in someone and giving them a chance but you have done enough and need to call time.

Tell your Mum and your friend. They will understand and support you. And as much as your Mum thinks she likes your 'D'P she loves you a hell of a lot more. And keep posting here, there is excellent support and advice on tap.

Sorry I kept missing people's posts! Takes me ages to write on my iPhone. Just for those who asked - we rent a house together and have 3 months left on our contract. No joint account so my only ties are emotional.

I will ring my friend first then - I'm sure she will be fab as she has always been there for me :)

I really am going to bed now!! Xx

Love, our family all thought my sister's ex was lovely as well.
Until after she split with him and then told us what he was really like. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I was with someone I argued with for more years than I care to remember.

I was convinced that I was part of the problem / argumentative.

I also thought if I could get through to him about how his behaviour affected me, he'd change.

I was wrong on both counts. I never argue with my lovely DP, who I am with now. Sure, we get grumpy with each other sometimes (especially when short of sleep from looking after DS) but we have never shouted at each other or called each other names. So it wasn't me at all!

Did the ex ever change? No.

Telling people is a great idea. I hid my ex's failings from people. Didn't do me any good, in fact it helped me not face up to the situation i was in. What a waste of time that was.

OP haven't had time to read the whole thread apart from the first few and last posts but I'm horrified at DP's treatment of you. Abuse of the worst kind and you've made the right decision to do something about it. Absolutely no doubt about it. And what lovely kind neighbours you have :)

I've been in a couple of emotionally abusive relationships and they were bad enough but I can't imagine how it would be with a man who used anger like that to control me. You are brave and intelligent and your life is going to change for the better. Good luck x

OP - I second what everyone else has said

AND most importantly you don't have children. You have NOTHING tying you to this man. Nothing to feel guilty about. NO reasons to stay with him.

If there is one thing I want you to etch on your brain/repeat to yourself and truly begin to believe it's: HE WILL NOT CHANGE . Because he WON'T. I absolutely promise you that.

Right behind you here OP, been there done that got the t-shirt, finally got rid of my abusive ex two months ago. Haven't looked back. I was like you, no kids, not married, renting, no joint account. I was eyeing the end of our contract as the time to tell him it was over as then I could move out and not have any financial penalties if needed. As it was, he left anyway after our final big argument, so now I have the house to myself.

Mine punched me once to stop me snoring - hardly a rational thing to do. He also squared up to me when I was trying to show him how to use the stereo - I thought he was going to hit me. He would shout at me from time to time but the worst was the simmering rage that characterised him.

I think the thing to do is look at a situation as if your friend was in it, and what advice would you give her? Would you think it was normal then?

It's so difficult when they have periods of being lovely, but it's not right if you spend that nice period thinking "when is he going to start shouting again, and what is going to trigger it?" - that's the classic walking on eggshells, and nobody should have to live like that. Nobody deserves to be shouted at constantly like that.

I still haven't told my mum the full extent of how he behaved towards me, and she still thinks he's a nice bloke. But then my father behaves towards my mother in much the same way that exP was towards me so I think she thinks it's normal :(

How are you this morning OP?

Made me feel a bit sick reading this. My ex (over 20 years ago now) mentally abused me. I let him get away with it as I was young and didnt know better. I was made to feel ugly and fat and that no one else would want me. This still sticks in my mind.

When I finally plucked up the courage to leave he begged me to go back to him. I said yes just to get him out of the flat I had then rented with another girl. I knew it was over and could feel myself getting stronger. One night he phoned threatening to kill me. My Dad then got his Dad involved and there were apologies. Bear in mind I was in my early 20's. I walked away and consider myself lucky.

I worked with a wonderful man and we have been together over 20 years, never ever in theat 20 years has he shouted at me or abused me in any way.

Please walk away from this man, leave your half of the rent and bills in the form of a cheque (not cash). So you can prove it was paid, pack up and get out. This man is not worthy of you. Hopefully your actions will make him sort himself out.

Just wanted to say - if you were my daughter I would be so relieved that you could come to me with this. It wouldn't matter if I thought he was lovely and perfect for you - the second you told me how he'd treated you I'd think he was a BASTARD.
Give your mum the chance to protect you xx

I'm am feeling much better today thank you. I have been reading about emotional abuse and verbal abuse all morning. I am the kind of person who feels much better when they are armed with knowledge - and it's also reassurance and validation of what the stronger part of me has been thinking this whole time.

I have spoken to him briefly this morning but he went out around 10. He tried to apologise but I said it really was a wake up call for me having the neighbours come round. When I wouldn't just let everything slide back to normal he got frustrated and left. He also said that if I told my mum what had happened it would be the end of us (clearly ashamed of his behaviour).

I think I'm am going to ring her and say I'm coming to stay at home tonight and then speak to her in person. Feel like I'm about to shatter her illusion of my perfect life :(

Reading your experiences makes me so sad that so many women have been through this :( but thankfully you are not still putting up with it and nor will I.

Please don't waste your twenties with a man like this - I did for five years before I saw the light and the EA for what it was. I thought everyone liked him too but they all told me after I'd dumped him that they'd never understood what I'd seen in him. He was, and still is, vile.

Met now DH when I turned 30 and never looked back. Every day with him shows me what a real relationship with a real man is like. I wish I'd met him ten years earlier.

Get rid. Your intelligence and insight will serve you well in finding a truly equal and fulfilling relationship. Whilst you're with this loser, you can't move on.

Tell your mum. She will understand and look after you. Take care x

Please be careful what you tell him . He will probably either beg and cry if he realises you are going , or he could start up again . Take all important documents with you, and anything you require remotely valuable just in case . You can always return - but I would just play it safe than sorry on this account. You might shatter the illusion, but I would not be surprised that they already know something and have not let it on.