The neighbours just came round to check on me because DP was shouting at me so loudly...

[DontknowhowIgothere]

As the title says really. Poor neighbours came round because the could here DP shouting through the walls at me v. violently. This must be the 100th time that he's lost it like this in the 3 years we've been together.

He's just gone into the spare room to sleep. Don't know what to do :( every time afterwards he so sorry and promises he won't get angry like that again but he always does :(

Well done, my dear, you've done the hard bit. Now, try to heal yourself and remember how people should really behave towards each other when htey love each other.

You will meet a wonderful man one day, and you will have a truly happy life. This is just hte beginning.

Well done! It must have been so hard, but look what you managed to do, you left, you told your parents and they will support you , meaning you have done exactly the right thing. Turn off your phone - IGNORE ALL MESSAGES including Facebook, emails and texts. You will get begging, upset, crying, saying he can't live without you.....but you WILL get through it . Sadly they tend to follow a script....but take the evening off and step back, you have done amazing. :)

If he was like that all the time, you wouldn't be with him in the first place, would you? No-one should ever treat you like that.
Your Mum sounds lovely and I'm so glad you told her, she will always be on your side. ( I'm a Mum of five so trust me!)
Agree that you should go back with your Mum, or actually maybe your Dad, and pick up the stuff you need.
And as Jux says, one day you will meet a lovely man, but crucially, even if you never did, it's better to be single than to be with a bad, abusive man.

Agree he won't be like it all the time.He's manipulative remember!

Good for you getting away. Enjoy the peace x

So glad to hear you're at your mum and dad's now and have talked to your Mum about it all.

Good to hear you are safe.

100 times in 3 years? That's him going mad at you on average every week and a half. It sounds as if you've normalised his behaviour. I know what that's like as I've been there.

I wasted 6 years with someone who treated me like this, from the age of 27 to 33. Really important years and I often look back and wish I had got out sooner. I'm now single at the age of 36 (today!) and feel that I wasted precious years when I could have been out meeting someone decent.

I think it's great that you have now recognised his behaviour and have plucked up the courage to leave him, especially as you are so young. As someone else said, your eyes will have been opened now and you'll know what NOT to expect in future. I normalised my ex's behaviour and stuck with him because after every screaming session he would be contrite and apologetic.

Guess what...a few months after I finally kicked my ex out, I heard that he was going mental at people in work. He'd lost his verbal punchbag and had no-one to take his frustration out on so it started to emerge in work, so much so that the woman he was sharing an office with had him moved out one day when he was at a course. It really helped to hear that and it started to sink in that it wasn't my fault.

Good luck, OP. It's great that you're getting out now. I wish I had left mine earlier than I did. Keep us updated!

Really good post, maples. I just wanted to add that my abusive ex told me I was the only person who'd ever incited him to be that angry. I believed him - only to find out later that it was all bullshit designed to make me feel responsible / drawn in, he'd been that way ever since he was a child...

Marplehas written a excellent post.

Be strong and good luck for the future.

He was very sorry and remorseful... AGAIN. As you said yourself, he's always very sorry afterwards and then he does it again. And again. And again. Each time he upsets you and makes you cry (and sometimes physically hurts you a bit). So don't fall for any of that "I can't live without you, I'll change, we can work through this together" shit. He never changed before when it was only you suffering. If, all of a sudden, he takes it seriously because he might lose out... that's not really the sign of a nice person, is it?

Your neighbours may have saved your life.

You could end up dead if you go back to this man, it's very real, it happens it happened to a school friend of mine. She was killed by a man like your DP. She had a baby.

No one wants the same to happen to you. Be strong!

Well done for getting away OP. I was thinking that he may not have hit you yet, but a lot of the time that part of the abuse starts up in pregnancy, when you are more vulnerable and it's harder for you to get out.

Stay strong, and know you've done the right thing. Read a few of the threads on here and you'll hear some horrific stories. You've been brave enough to get out, and now won't be one of them x

Well done for seeing what you had to do and sticking with it.

Everyone here has given you fabulous advice.

Keep reading the links, and you will see that actually the Mr Nasty IS him. The Mr Nice is the act he puts on. He's spending more and more time being Mr Nasty, isn't he? Abusers often take between 18m and 2 years to show themselves, you say he's shouted at you 100s of times over the last 3 years. It's not going to stop then is it? It'll actually only get worse!

End this. if nothing else, there will be no chance for him EVER to see the error of his ways if you don't end it.

The bit when you said 'He also said that if I told my mum what had happened it would be the end of us (clearly ashamed of his behaviour)' was the most telling, he was pushing his shame onto you, and threatening you.

I'd advise ending it for that in itself actually. Emotional blackmail, verbal abuse, emotional abuse... this man is NOT a keeper.

You are so young love, please don't take this guy back.

Well done.
I know it is hard. But you have done really well. You are so young, and have your entire life ahead of you. Be grateful that you have seen sense, and relieved that you dont have a life ahead of you with a violent abusive man. Imagine if you were married, and had children, what lives you and your children would have with this man. You have had a lucky escape!

How are you OP?

I am so proud of you and pleased. There are many many genuinely lovely and caring men out there and you had no reason to stick with a man who was treating you in the way you describe: it is NOT at all normal to be shouted at on a regular basis and must have been awful. You might be doing (ex)DP a favour by leaving him as it might lead to him taking his anger management issues a little more seriously. I am certain you have a great life ahead of you. You will be sad for a while as you have lost an important relationship but in six months time you will have no doubt at all that you did the right thing.

I have never understood people staying in a relationship where the man or sometimes the women degraded their partner and shouting at them is abusive. I could not stand that the first time it happened, but then it never happened to me, thank goodness. The man I fell in love with was a sweet kind hearted gentle man, and the only row we had was when I was navigating in a large city he did not know and I kept telling him to turn right when he was in a left hand lane!! He raised his voice for the first and only time , but not in an abusive way. You must not stay with this man and for him to tell you that you are the only woman who brings this aggression out in him, is a big fat lie and don't believe him, just get out or kick him out

Darling you must get out.
Of course he's not always like this - he'd never be able to sucker anyone for long if he was, would he? Every woman would up and leave in a matter of weeks!

Most abusers are lovely the rest of the time. That's part of what makes it so hard to escape. They play on your heartstrings, your guilt and blame you for the situation too, while at the same time making out like they're oh so very sorry. It's a total headfuck.

But escape you must. You are 23 with no children to him yet. Wise up, trust your instinct, read up as much as you can on emotional and verbal abuse, and be sure that you deserve so much more. xx

I was in a relationship like this at your age. It was really hard getting out of it - stupidly thought he was the one and no one else really "got" me . How wrong I was. I SHUDDER to think what would have happened if I hadn't scraped together the courage to end it.

Met DH at 27 the best man I could have hoped for and have 2 gorgeous DDs. Honestly walk away or condemn yourself to an awful life.

Yes again, I have a similar story, and I advise get out now before you commit yourself. I was married to a man who I finally left when I was 28, and he used all the lines mentioned here - when he hit me, afterwards he'd say 'Did you tell anyone? No? Well that makes it better', 'You have a streak of shit running right through you', 'You are a selfish f--king bitch', 'Any man would hit you given the way you are' etc etc. then.... 'you will never find anyone who loves you like I do'. I had a lovely little boy with him, but still got out. And it was very very difficult but I never regretted it, despite the guilt heaped on me for years afterwards. Re-claim your life.