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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The neighbours just came round to check on me because DP was shouting at me so loudly...

123 replies

DontknowhowIgothere · 06/07/2012 23:39

As the title says really. Poor neighbours came round because the could here DP shouting through the walls at me v. violently. This must be the 100th time that he's lost it like this in the 3 years we've been together.

He's just gone into the spare room to sleep. Don't know what to do :( every time afterwards he so sorry and promises he won't get angry like that again but he always does :(

OP posts:

eurochick · 07/07/2012 14:19

Definitely talk to your mum and your good friends.

And when the dust has settled a bit, please thank the neighbours. It was lovely of them to risk abuse (or for all they knew possibly violence) by coming round to make sure you were ok.

VolAuVent · 07/07/2012 14:42

Good advice from keepcalmandeatcupcakes. Get your important documents and other important items out of the house before you tell him - perhaps take them to a friend's.

Talk to your mum, your friends, the helpliners and please let us know how you get on.

balia · 07/07/2012 14:48

Good advice from all - another one here who doesn't think he is ashamed of his behaviour at all - it is just a threat to stop you getting support. And you won't be shattering your Mum's vision of your perfect life, either - she will be much happier that you have told her.

Lueji · 07/07/2012 15:06

Yeah, that was not shame. Shame would be a request.
That was a clear threat, because he thinks you are still under his spell.

I agree with others. Leave when safe. Take important things either when he is away or when you have someone with you.

He may surprise you, but expect pleading and threats when you leave.
Best to cut all contact.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/07/2012 15:19

He also said that if I told my mum what had happened it would be the end of us (clearly ashamed of his behaviour).

That's not shame: that's a threat, to keep you in line. "If you do X, I will do Y."

Do take him up on it.
Flippancy aside, he will not let you go easily - abusive men never do. Their aim is control, and you leaving is read by them as you slipping out from under their control. He will be desperate to keep you where he wants you, and will use any or all of: blame, intimidation, threats (e.g. of suicide), rage, or a martyr act. Any form of manipulation, basically.

CuriousMama · 07/07/2012 15:23

Oh love I hope you get out of this horrible relationship.

I agree with others it won't be easy, he's a controlling bully. Uses his aggression to keep you in your place

Let it all out in RL x

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/07/2012 15:26

Hi OP,

Every mother will agree that they would rather know the truth and be able to help, rather than living in ignorant bliss.

You deserve better and your H knows he is in the wrong even if he will never admit it to you.

Jux · 07/07/2012 15:31

Yup, no shame there, just the desire to keep on top of you; that was definitely a threat. You are supposed to respond with fear that he wold leave you. You haven't immediately collapsed, begged for him not to go, pleaded with him or promised that you won't tell.

Be prepared for more manipulation to get you right back under his control.

Going to your mum's tonight is a very good idea. Tell her everything, don't soften the blow.

maples · 07/07/2012 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousMama · 07/07/2012 16:01

And I agree take valuables, documents etc... with you.

SecondhandRose · 07/07/2012 17:49

It will be the end of your relationship if you tell you Mum?! What?! Sadly, more controlling behaviour from him. Big hug from me.

chipmonkey · 07/07/2012 19:17

The correct reply to that is that yes, it will be the end of your relationship if you tell your Mum because your Mum will come and kick his ass! It's what I would do if any of my kids was being treated that way.

OxfordBags · 07/07/2012 19:26

If your mother is even only half-way decent, she won't give a shit about you not having a 'perfect life' (who does?!) - she will be desperate to get you away from the bastard who has been treating her darling child so badly. Wouldn't that be your reaction? And even if she is upset about the image being shattered, then so what? Are you expected to put up with abuse so other people can delide themselves aout your happiness? Of course not!

Sweetheart, if he can control his anger with others then the reason why he can't with you is because he CHOOSES not to. He wants to scare you, demean you, make you always give in and let him have his way. He likes the drama of being forgiven and seeing someone be terrified of him. You are only 23 and have no children. Most women in your situation are not so fortuitiously untied to their abusers. The neighbours really wouldn't come round if they weren't terrified for you. Am so glad you are going home. And make sure you tell them he threatened you over telling them, the swine.

Angelico · 07/07/2012 19:52

Hope you're at your mum's and getting a bit of TLC OP x

VolAuVent · 07/07/2012 20:51

How are you OP?

Original poster

DontknowhowIgothere · 07/07/2012 21:10

Hi everyone, I'm at my mum and dads now. Told mum everything and she has been lovely as you all predicted. She was shocked to start with but she's very logical and she always knows what to say.

DP came home before I left and we talked again. He was back to being his 'normal' self and v. apologetic and remorseful. I feel weak to say this but it was heartbreaking to pack a bag and leave tonight. If the neighbours and you lovely ladies hadn't show me just how not okay his behaviour is - well I hate to admit it but I probably would have stayed and accepted his apologies...

I feel much stronger now I am away from our house but when he came home I could feel myself getting sucked back into it.

Such a cliche but am sat here crying my eyes out and just listening to the rain! Mum is making me eggs and soldiers - ultimate comfort food!!

OP posts:

BettySuarez · 07/07/2012 21:12

So pleased to hear that you are your parents house, well done you x

foolonthehill · 07/07/2012 21:15

be prepared for lots and lots of emotions....ride the waves. I am so glad that you are out and safe...Yay for your Mum and all those who believe us when we speak out.

Bossybritches22 · 07/07/2012 21:22

Well done OP....Mum cuddles & eggy soldiers, just what you need.

Give yourself time to digest all this action & change, you will go through a sort of "grieving process" for the man you thought he was, your plans with that man, etc but you are free now to choose a better man (in time when you're ready) & have the life you deserve.

Good luck & big hugs to you ( although not always encouraged on MN )

Original poster

DontknowhowIgothere · 07/07/2012 21:23

I wish he wouldn't go back to being lovely, I wish he was nasty and aggressive all the time. It would make it so much easier to leave for good.

I told him I was going to take some time away from our relationship and stay with mum and dad, so I haven't 'officially' told him its over yet. Need to come to terms with it myself first or I'm scared he will be able to talk me round :(

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 07/07/2012 21:27

that is why they are not Mr Nasty all the time usually they gauge it so they are just nice enough just often enough to keep us hooked in.....

don't worry if you stay strong and keep away mr Nasty will turn up eventually. usually in the form of threats and abuse and character assassination.

try to enjoy being looked after

Lueji · 07/07/2012 21:32

Don't feel bad. We are ultimately nice people who want to believe the best of people.

I'm glad you did leave.
Your life is in front of you, and it can only get better.

AnyFucker · 07/07/2012 21:35

Remember this : you were an object of concern, and yes, pity (your neighbours). It takes a huge amount of concern and courage to go round to someone's house to attempt to put a stop to abusive behaviour.

You see it on here all the time. "Should I get involved?" The answer : no, mind your own business, the messenger gets shot, don't stick your nose in etc

You are not a pitiful creature. That is not the person you are.

Never put another concerned neighbour into such a situation that they have to over-run their natural desire to turn the other cheek.

They saved you. For now.

The rest is up to you.

DontmindifIdo · 07/07/2012 21:41

go with your mum to pack your things, ideally when he's not there. Take anything you can't easily replace now, even if you aren't 'leaving for good' so any exam certificates, passports, old photos etc, anything sentimental that's easy to destroy. If you can go tomorrow or monday if you know he's going to be out, that would be for the best. clothes, books etc can be replaced if need be.

You are very young, so take your time to get over this.

Oh, and I'd be sending those neighbours some flowers.

NorksAreMessy · 07/07/2012 21:49

Well done dontknow now stay strong and don't get hooked back in by any old emotional blackmail bollox.
We are all behind you and I am impressed that you have done this

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