The neighbours just came round to check on me because DP was shouting at me so loudly...

[DontknowhowIgothere]

As the title says really. Poor neighbours came round because the could here DP shouting through the walls at me v. violently. This must be the 100th time that he's lost it like this in the 3 years we've been together.

He's just gone into the spare room to sleep. Don't know what to do :( every time afterwards he so sorry and promises he won't get angry like that again but he always does :(

not normal, not right and you have to be very strong now op... don't have a conversation with him until you mean it, will follow through with it and can leave safely.

Look at the Women's Aid link above.

Ditto what edam has said. He does not have anger issues at all so don't even bother suggesting self help books. He is in complete control of his anger and chooses to use it as a way of controlling you.

You are in an abusive relationship, he will never change. Make plans to leave.

No, it's not normal, and it's not acceptable.

Every post describes a textbook abuser.

He's not going to change, love. Is this the life you want?

Or, it never happens with anyone else to you either - it must be him who is the problem

Sorry. sounds a shit situation. It seems like things are coming to a head now. Good. before you waste any more of your youth

Thanks maples that just made me tear up a bit! To be honest I came on here to post because I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone in real life that this happens - but you ladies are amazing and have obviously been here which is a great comfort.

I'm 23 - never been married and no children. I joined mumsnet a few months ago to ask a gynea question on the health thread!!

Definitely not normal - and he doesn't have these arguments with anyone else because he knows you are the only one with whom he can get away with it because you love him and he knows he can treat you like this.

Boss/colleagues - he'd get sacked so he doesn't violently scream at them
Random bloke in the pub - he'd probably get punched, barred or arrested or possibly all three so he doesn't violently scream at strangers
Parents - wouldn't dare so he doesn't violently scream at them

You - you've forgiven him 100 times already, cried, probably said sorry for things you haven't done and there have been no consequences. You he does violently scream at, repeatedly.

He's an abusive arsehole and it's only ever going to get worse. Please cut your losses and walk away. Your life will be so much better if you do.

You are so young, and so smart. Every post shows how insightful you are.

It took me 12 years with a man like that before I snapped out of my denial, realised it was abuse, and accepted that I deserved better.

Yes, we normalise this behaviour. But it's not acceptable. You deserve so much better.

Please don't feel embarrassed about telling anyone in real life. The people who love you will be desperate to help, even if it's just to offer a cup of tea and a listening ear. In fact, I highly recommend you offload to your best and closest friend: often it's when we speak our problems out loud to others that we hit upon the solutions we need.

Other people you can turn to for help and support are Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

I'm currently helping a friend to leave her abusive DH, it's a very complex and drawn out process due to the fact they are married, have a mortgage and DC's.

You could leave this man tomorrow so get out now while you still can

how wonderful you are only 23 - when you are out of this you'll be able to recognise one of these prats BEFORE you get to this point again!

how wonderful you don't have children - and already have the wisdom to see that having dc's with this man was not a good idea.

how wonderful that you haven't married him - and you can just walk away.

run for the hills..as they say on MN.

RUN, RUN, RUN.

he sounds like my STBXH, unluckily for me I had no neighbours prepared to flag up his behaviour and check up on me

they sound lovely, and in getting involved they are telling you something - that this is not normally how a man treats a woman he loves

as others have said, his behaviour is not your fault. would you blame your behaviour on others? I would imagine not. well why can he do that to you?

And yes you are so young to be going through this. You are younger than my DS. Please talk to someone in RL and get yourself out of there. If you were my DD I would move heaven and earth to get you away from him and I would be very sad if you stuck it out just because you didn't want to admit how bad things were. Please talk to someone and get yourself away!

As others have suggested, take a look at the Women's Aid website, as there's a lot of information there you may find helpful.

You can phone them on the number HotDAMNlifeisgood gave above, or email them on [email protected] and just tell them what you've told us. They've heard it all before and will know how best to support you. Just contacting them doesn't commit you to anything at all.

This is not the guy.

He's mean and aggressive. You are young and you have have your whole life ahead of you.

Don't waste another day of it in this relationship.

Thank you everyone :) I feel so much better from just reading your kind words.

I am desperate to tell my mum - I normally talk to her about everything. I suppose I feel a) embarrassed that I let myself be treated like this - my mum is such a strong woman and she would never be anyone's victim- and b) my parents love DP. They think he is the best they could hope for for their daughter :(

My best friend once overheard him shouting at me on the phone when we had been going out about 4 months. She told me to sack him off straight away and I didn't want to, so I started pretending to her like everything was always fine when it wasn't.

You are all so right about him being able to control his anger for everyone else but me. I feel so stupid.

Please do confide in your Mum. She will understand and will be so glad you told her so that she can support you. We can talk to you on here but it would be very beneficial for you to have someone real, and close to you, who knows about this.

Domestic abuse, I'm afraid, Dontknow. It will get worse. He's already Laing hands on you, and that sort of thing is far more likely to increase than not, especially as he tells himself that it's actually your fault. It's not. Don't believe him.

There is nothing for you to be ashamed or embarrassed about, though he should be crippled both.

You are so lucky as you are pretty well unentangled. No children, not married.

If you ave a joint account stop using it. Open an account in your name and have all your money go in there.

Call Women's Aid and talk to them.

Above all, look after yourself.

my parents love DP. They think he is the best they could hope for for their daughter. My best friend once overheard him shouting at me on the phone when we had been going out about 4 months. She told me to sack him off straight away.

Open up to your friend. (she sounds great, btw)

Your parents are probably not the best audience for this conversation, at least not yet, when you are still unsure that you deserve good treatment in your relationship, if they are also of the view that you currently have as good as you deserve.

Please don't be embarrassed. So many strong , intelligent , powerful women fall in love with someone who turns abusive, nasty and controlling behind close doors. The fact your neighbours came round shows that they are extremely concerned for you, that it is not your fault, and to be honest I would be surprised if your mother was completely unaware, but probably waiting for you to tell her. It will be difficult, but with the support of family and friends leaving will be the best thing in the long run. You have only been with him for 3 years, imagine what he would be in 5 , 10 , 15 years! The reality is, he will not improve and will get worse and you need to be out of it. Try calling womens aid now, just for support, and they will give you the advice you need to make the right decision for you. You can do it - and be back to the strong, confident person you were who would never stand for these arguments, and hold your head up high and walk away :)

YOU ARE NOT STUPID.

You're not.

You are abused and that screws with your head so badly that you think that either it is your fault and you deserve it, or it isnt your fault and therefore you are an idiot for putting up with it. But abusive relationships grow so slowly that it becomes normal and its only when you have your lightbulb moment, as you have had tonight thanks to your lovely neighbours, that you realise how bad things have got.

Talk to your mum. She sounds like she will fight your corner. Abusive men are good at charming everyone around their victim, its part of the abuse by removing your support system. But once you tell her what has happened and why you didnt want to tell her, because she thought the world of him, I am sure she will fight your corner.

And keep posting here, we will be here for you every step of the way.

xxxx