Can i convince DP to be circumcised...

[ockytockyonga]

I know this is a controversial subject, but just wanted some advice. I have name changed as this is so personal I want to protect DP.

DP's foreskin does not pull back at all, not even a bit. He should have had it fixed as a child, when it started giving him trouble, but I don't think his Mother wouldn't allow it.

He is very sensitive about it and doesn't like to discuss it. We have spoken before but he gets very defensive.

Basically, because of the way his Penis is he doesn't get stimulation from the normal backwards and forward motion. He prefers a very tight grip at the tip with sort of circular motions. Because of this it means he doesn't get much out of PIV sex. I am either too tight and it hurts, as it pulls his foreskin back. Or i am too wet and then the grip is not hard enough.

But also because of this there are other effects. His penis seems to store wee in the end, so it smells bad. I really don't like putting it in my mouth as it tastes so bad - I have gagged and almost vomited before.

The only sex he seems to get decent stimulation from is if I hold a flat vibrator firmly onto the end of his penis. Also he doesn't really like kissing or oral on me. So he will use a vibrator on me in return. I am starting to find our sex life really limited and unfulfilling. Although we both orgasm it is a bit clinical.

On a hygiene issue, the penis leaks wee onto his pants and trousers so i can often smell his groin. Also because the hole is on the side, his wee comes out at a 90 degree angle so is often all over the bathroom floor and sprays everywhere.

When I have asked him about circumcision he gets very distressed and says it's part of him and it is like him asking me to get a boob job. I don't think it is the same as that is purely cosmetic.

I love him so much but i really don't want this to be my sex life for the rest of my life. I just think he would enjoy sex so much more if he had a circumcision. Does anyone have any experience of this?

Okay, flame me for being dreadful...

Babies do not slow down or move less in late pregnancy. OP, if you've any concerns about your baby's movements please call the MW and ask to be monitored.

BTW are his parents still alive?. Having an all encompassing doting mother (abusive and highly strung) and an aloof father in his childhood really screwed him up.

FWIW I don;t think he will do anything about his penile problem, he expects you to put up and shut up. He would rather not go against his mother because he feels subconsciously that mother knows best.

However, all that for the time being is not important.

What is important now is you and your unborn child. Please seek medical advice asap.

Fliss, I wasn't trying to minimise, just speaking from experience (have had four babies, all of which slowed down immediately before the birth).

This is from a birthing website:

Fetal Movement

As you get close to labor, you may feel a decrease in your baby?s movement. As the baby engages down into the pelvis, there is less room to move around. Babies tend to settle down a lot when labor is about to begin. Don?t mistake this for baby not moving at all. If you don?t feel your baby moving at all, you should definitely call your care provider. If you notice less fetal movement, along with some of the other early labor signs, you might just be in business!

The OP has said that she has felt less movement, which I was trying to reassure her is not unusual. Of course, as several other posters have said, if she is unduly concerned she should contact her MW.

atilla PILs are still alive and made everything worse by sending yet another dreadful email yesterday, which is what brought this all out last night.

fliss & atilla i am laying down now and had some breakfast and baby is having a little wriggle so i feel reassured in that sense.

I totally agree mountain he has shifted it from me saying i might leave to him saying he might end it - as if it matters. It has wrong footed me. He said that threatening to leave is unforgivable. But i said it sadly is my only way of making him see, i pointed out i have been trying other things for years but he shuts every avenue down. I want to talk and he refuses to etc, leaving me no option but to use the only thing which i have left. He has forced me to go nuclear, this is the result of him successfully using all other tactics.

I did speak about health concerns, he says they are not big enough to worry about, ie statistically speaking why not stop drinking coffee or driving the car. Sadly the doctor has had to back that up because it is true. Therefore the only other issue is sex/hygiene, which he thinks is selfish and not really a problem.

So what do i do?

We are communicating fine atm. he has told me he loves me, but i can see and feel he is robotically saying it. I suppose we will just get thru what we can and then see what's left in a couple of months.

We have said we will go for a walk in the forest later. I am hoping the birth will reconnect us. If not it is going to feel horrible.

Please don't use the birth as an experiment to reconnect. It may work that way, it may not, if it doesn't then I really think it will make things worse than they have to be for you and the baby in labour. You just don't need to be worrying about him right now. If you are it is not necessarily because he is bad or you are or the whole relationship is going wrong. What is important is can he commit to being the support you need right now so you can have this baby happily. I would use the walk to find out. If he can't put things to one side and really be there for you or if you feel uncomfortable about how things are with him at least think about getting a doula for your support and his in labour or so you can manage without him there.

He has said threatening to leave is unforgivable. That is fairly irrelevant since if you actually left you wouldn't need forgiving. You could do with deciding whether you really mean that you cannot continue in the relationship if he does nothing or if you are going to continue if he does nothing you were just trying to get him to see how you felt about it. I can't help thinking now is not the time to be going over this stuff though.

It is just one thing that is important. Can you both put you and your feelings and stress first right now so that you can have the baby?

Yes offred i see what you are saying, i meant reconnect enough to feel comfortable during labour rather than fix anything after - sorry that sounds confused i know.

He is now fitting the car seat ad bustling around getting things ready and told me to lay down and asked if i need anything. So i think he will be fine to put this to one side and support me, he really is good at closing off feelings and compartmentalising! Sadly I am not! So it is me i have to have a stiff talking to really.

I suppose my panic is i literally have no one and nothing else - it's a game of chicken and i have more to lose. Never a good place to be in a relationship.

No, it is such bad timing but not uncommon for things to come to a head in this way around a birth. If he can support you properly can you put things to one side and accept/feel comfortable with his support? I am the idiot who tried to make things ok in labour for stupid (very abusive, not saying yours is but still) xp and ended up with a loooong labour!

Tbh I can't help thinking that a lot of the desperation over this may be down to imminent labour and that is not to say I think the problems are not very important as well (because they are) but you are going to meet your little one soon, it is a huge experience crammed with all kinds of emotions and you probably want to know he will really be there for you.

If you don't feel you can there are ways round it, it would just be another preparation for birth. You could ask him not to be there, you could see about a birth support to put something between you or you could try to separate in your mind from him.

He is right to say that his problem is a part of him, but only in the same way as someone with severe halitosis, or untreated diabetes, or a severe in growing toenail that makes it too painful to walk about and lead an active life.

They are all medical issues in that they can be remedied. They are all problems in that they effect the quality of life that you have with him. You have not asked him to do this on a whim, or to spite him, but because you know it will improve your life together with him. You have done nothing wrong by asking him to address this issue, just as you would have done nothing wrong by asking him to stop drinking if he was an alcoholic.

He says it is unforgivable that you have threatened to leave. Yet he is asking you to forgive him for not properly taking on your concerns and for neglecting to remedy a health problem that is effecting your quality of life. Don't let him put all of this on you. Don't let him make you feel guilty.

Offred - part of this is wrapped up with our family situations. His parents make it so much worse. They are constantly causing upset which means anything else, work, illness etc just seems to feel like it's the end of the world. We have so much to deal with; my parents are difficult and dad is an alcoholic, his parents are mad and spiteful, we have no friends, family or support, I am bipolar (altho 3 years since last episode, but i am worried about pnd and depression caused by stress), i was diagnosed as having early stages of MS a week after finding out i was pregnant, this penis issue, i have been trying to sell the marital property with a very strained relationship with exH, DP and i are supposed to be emigrating. And of course the new baby is coming.

There is so so much going on in your life then

Really important for the birth blinkers I think. Xx

yes! i am actually looking forward to the pain to take my mind off everything else!

Thank you. You have been lovely. I don't know what i'd do without my imaginary friends :)

I really feel for you OP, what shit timing for you.

A close relative experiences similar in that her partner needs a circumscision. Their sex life is shit, there are only certain positions he can maintain and he can't "finish" without masturbating himself. All has an impact on her enjoying a healthy sex life. He also steadfastly refuses to accept there is a problem and will not agree to going to the GP. She thinks part of it is that he's terrified of doctors/hospitals/operations etc so is sticking his head in the sand (he would come second in your ostrich competition). He's also a very private person.

You are absolutley justified in what you have tried to do. Him putting the onus on you for how things are is utterly appalling of him especially at this hormone laden time. Please try and relax during this important time. If needs be, put what you can on the back burner, in order to concentrate on your pregnancy and address it again, in what ever way you see fit, once baby is born and things are less emotional/stressful for you. All the very best

Having a nice walk might be just what you need, getting a bit of fresh air and that. I wish you well! I don't mind labour actually even though I generally have long ones, other than ds who was my first long one with xp I had a great homebirth (singlemum) which was 12 hours and a great twin birth that was 10 hours most recently. The pain I feel is manageable because it builds up but also is actually a good thing in terms of psychological acceptance of the enormity of what has just happened to you!

Thanks for the advice - just off to the forest now.

I feel i can tackle anything after failing my driving test last week ;)

I don't mind the physical pain. It's anything emotional which i struggle with.

Oh no! I failed mine last year! I freaked out and the examiner had to take control of the car! My instructor has, genuinely no lie, given up teaching because he had a heart attack

Ocky he is behaving very badly indeed. You are about to give birth, this is the time when he should really be there for you and instead he has chosen now to twist this around to blame you. Nasty. He is not even acting like your best friend, certainly not a loving supportive partner. How dare he do this now.

Definitely time for those birth/baby blinkers, maybe you could line up an alternative back up birth partner? I know you say you do not have close friends around but sometimes it is the kindness of strangers that comes through. No doubt he would bleat that this will push him out further but he is doing that by withdrawing his support.

Good luck with your birth, I have no doubt that in a few days you will be enjoying your lovely newborn. We are all here sending virtual, ahem hugs x

Best of luck with the baby.

Goodness me he's quite pathetic isn't he :( he really needs to man up and stop being so squeamish
You know what concerns me? Even if his penis got fixed, his attitude to sex in general is unhealthy. He doesn't want to pleasure you properly, he doesn't want to get involved. Good sex is messy and impulsive and a bit animalistic. Whether or not his penis is fixed won't change his essential aversion to healthy, messy sex.

So sorry your situation hasn't improved Ocky, You've done nothing wrong in attempt to get your Dp to get help, both for himself and for the benefit of your relationship. Just because you knew about it at the start doesn't mean you have to ignore/accept it forever.
If for e.g.... my Dp was a tooth grinder when I met him, yeah I would have accepted it dig in the ribs to stop him but I'm 100% sure, at some point, I would get pissed off with it and worry about the damage he was doing to his teeth and also be concerned about MY own health..interrupted sleep etc... I'd expect him to get to the bloody dentist and sort it.

Obviously none of us know exactly what was said between him and his GP but I don't believe that the GP (from what you told him already) would have said it's fine to leave it and it's not a health risk. I really don't know where you can go from here Ocky, it seems he's made up his mind and that is definitely that :(

I hope your baby makes an appearance soon and I hope that he gives you the support that you need during the birth.
As others have said, if you're not happy with your baby's movements then go to the labour ward and let them monitor you for a few hours. I don't know if this is still the advice given, it's 13 years since I was last pregnant, they used to tell you- towards the end, if you didn't feel 20 movements daily from your baby then get checked out.

Good luck with birth and please come back and let us know about the baby xxxx

in attempting that should have said.

I have only just seen this thread and have to admit i haven't read all of it. I can say I have given birth twice on my own dp who was there at first dc birth had to look after dc as we had noone else near us. It isn't as bad as you would imagine I prefered it the mw's stay in the room with you more and you can go deep concentrating on the birthing without anyone trying to bring you back up to the surface/reality IYSWIM. So you don't have to have him there if you are not comfortable if he whiffs of wee anyway it is really going to honk in the small hot room and can't find anyone else. Leave all other problems till after babies born it does change you so much and in that new baby fug he might decide to get it done people do start worrying about health more when they have a little life to be there for. Good luck with the birth hoow long do you have left now?

Thanks all. We had a nice walk (with some uphills to try and get the baby moving) then went for a pub lunch and we've both had a snooze. We seem to be okay.

:)