Can i convince DP to be circumcised...

[ockytockyonga]

I know this is a controversial subject, but just wanted some advice. I have name changed as this is so personal I want to protect DP.

DP's foreskin does not pull back at all, not even a bit. He should have had it fixed as a child, when it started giving him trouble, but I don't think his Mother wouldn't allow it.

He is very sensitive about it and doesn't like to discuss it. We have spoken before but he gets very defensive.

Basically, because of the way his Penis is he doesn't get stimulation from the normal backwards and forward motion. He prefers a very tight grip at the tip with sort of circular motions. Because of this it means he doesn't get much out of PIV sex. I am either too tight and it hurts, as it pulls his foreskin back. Or i am too wet and then the grip is not hard enough.

But also because of this there are other effects. His penis seems to store wee in the end, so it smells bad. I really don't like putting it in my mouth as it tastes so bad - I have gagged and almost vomited before.

The only sex he seems to get decent stimulation from is if I hold a flat vibrator firmly onto the end of his penis. Also he doesn't really like kissing or oral on me. So he will use a vibrator on me in return. I am starting to find our sex life really limited and unfulfilling. Although we both orgasm it is a bit clinical.

On a hygiene issue, the penis leaks wee onto his pants and trousers so i can often smell his groin. Also because the hole is on the side, his wee comes out at a 90 degree angle so is often all over the bathroom floor and sprays everywhere.

When I have asked him about circumcision he gets very distressed and says it's part of him and it is like him asking me to get a boob job. I don't think it is the same as that is purely cosmetic.

I love him so much but i really don't want this to be my sex life for the rest of my life. I just think he would enjoy sex so much more if he had a circumcision. Does anyone have any experience of this?

Okay, flame me for being dreadful...

Can't sleep, mind whirring and baby kicking. I think the letter then leaving it is the way to go. I don't have head space for this atm. And as usual mad PILs are ratcheting their lunacy up a gear.

I asked DP how the itch was and he said it was gone (although i am not sure i believe him, as i see him having quick scratches when he thinks i am not looking). I asked what that meant and whether he was going to go to the doctors, and he said (seriously, get this...) 'no, i think i will go to the dentist instead' . He has chipped a tooth so needs the dentist, but i'm not sure why only one can be done at a time. If i needed a smear test and a filling i would see that as separate issues. Or maybe he thinks i just want him to suffer and the dentist is a good compromise!

Anyway, MIL also has sent him a really horrid PA email which has upset him. (saying how 'unconfident' and ill prepared - despite their best efforts of course - he is to deal with stuff, but it's okay because she's always there for him...cheers for that, knock his confidence so he comes running. Not that he will, he is trying to ignore her.) The closer to the baby we get the more of these bizarre emails he gets, they just cannot cope that he is getting other priorities in his life and are throwing everything they have at making him 'need' them.

So now i am going to compose a letter and give it to him in a few days (if the PILs calm down by then). The thing is every time i bring anything up there is always something else stressful happening (PILs, work, etc) and i am made to feel as though i am adding to the stress. But if i waited for a perfect time i would never get to say what is bothering me.

Well that's the plan for now but things seem to change so quickly...

It hardly seems surprising he reacts badly given his parents method of upbringing - poor guy! They seem very emotionally manipulative. But of course you still have to address these things, and he will hopefully see your way of dealing with things is better ultimately.

It takes such patience from you though, to deal with it in a special way that he can cope with and so slowly - you must be at least partially a saint! I hope you get there between you.

Good luck and good luck and congratulations on your new baby - very exciting!

I really feel for you Ocky and just wanted to add a couple of things. I work with people with Aspergers. A lot of your DH's behaviour sounds like Asperger's, the not 'getting' hints and gestures and then being surprised and hurt by hearing some thing said bluntly really stands out for me, also the 'logical' answer to the question are you going to the doc?' 'No I am going to the dentist, my tooth hurts' is classic. But also the squeamishness and dislike of kissing, giving oral. Some people with ASD (which inc Aspergers) find sex very icky, because they are over sensitive, not cos they are prudes. DOes he do things like cut labels out of his clothes or dislike having a hair cut?

Obviously neither him nor his father have a diagnosis but you might find it useful to look on the National Autistic Society Website or look on here for some threads on people with Aspergers DHs. Even just to get some advice on how to encourage him to go to the Doc's.

I'm not doing an online diagnosis here btw just wondering if you both need some support along those lines?

Just wanted to offer some support. My dh has awful parents too and it's caused innumerable difficulties along the way, but we're getting there. I hope you do too.

Update:

DP went to the doctors today, reluctantly. He refused to discuss it before he went, saying it was private. So i have no idea what he actually said to the doctor. The appointment was with the doctor i had previously discussed this with. DP has returned saying the doctor did not mention sex, hygiene or risks really. He says the doc said it's been fine up to now so it's dp's choice whether he wants it done or not. Which he doesn't.

I just fucking knew this would happen. I have told DP that unless he sorts it out i am leaving him. I am at the end of my tether. I am 40+1 weeks now and i just don't want to look at DP at the moment. I can't bear the thought of him being in the birth with me. I just wish i was alone now. laying in bed crying.

So sorry Ocky. Thing is you don't really know what the dr said, ony his interpretation of it and of course an operation is the choice of the person having the op, nobody can force him.

You are in an intolerable position (it was bad enough putting up with my DH's problem for a couple of months). For now though, you have the more important issue of your baby's birth coming up, do not let this take away the joy of that (you never know the baby may make him take more responsibility for his health and seeing you go through the birth may make him appreciate the things people do for others).

Good luck with the birth and new baby and put this on the back burner for now.

And you don't have to have him at the birth either, that is your choice entirely.

Oh i didn't mean i was angry with the poor doctor! I mean i just knew DP wouldn't address any of those issues. Before he went i asked what he was going to say and he said it was private. I said the point was to talk about x,y & z and he said he would go alone and deal with it myself as it's none of my business. So i have no idea what he must have said. He wouldn't tell me how he even started the discussion. When i asked if the doc mentioned sex or washing he said no. He said the doc said there were 'some' risks but they still weren't high. I bet the doctor wondered why the fuck he was even there. Sounds like the most pointless app ever.

Anyway, DP is now angry with me because all he agreed to was go to the app which he did so i am being unreasonable now. He can't understand that means going to the app properly rather than just paying it lip service. So he has held up his end of the bargain and i am moving the goal posts. I seriously have never met such a stubborn pain in the arse.

I wrote him a letter explaining everything, which he was upset about but didn't want to talk about after. In the letter i said what needed to change or i'm leaving after the i'm settled with the baby. I have no idea if he has just resigned himself to that now or what. He just keeps saying 'you aren't going to leave me are you' and i say unless things are done then yes. I am raging inside.

Can you not call the Doctor yourself and explain the full problem. You can say the Doctor called and said he needs to see a specialist. Then get the Doctor to refer him to the urologist?

I've already seen the doctor and explained in detail about sex and hygiene. The doctor has said send him in and he will refer him, but it's up to DP. Doc said today he could have it sorted but DP said no.

I think maybe you need to ask him to leave for a while so you can focus on the birth. That is if you really actually can't manage to ignore it anymore tbh. Just to give you space to deal with it calmly. Stress will not help your labour.

i don't want him to move out (it's his house anyway so he would just say no!). i need his support with the baby (taking me to hospital and back etc) and without him i have no access to any money atm. I would have nowhere to go either if i left.

I have calmed down now. I went for a walk and a think. i will the baby with him and then see what happens.

You can't do much more. You need to concentrate on yourself and your babies health. Hopefully he will change his mind in time. I can't believe someone can live with a health problem like that. He obviously has issues from being a child from his Mother not getting the problem sorted in the first place. Maybe this is the real issue, he feels as though he is betraying his Mother's original decision by ignoring the issue IYSWIM.

It's not that bad he just refuses to do anything he doesn't want to do. He has never ever compromised or done something he doesn't want. He is also now just pretending nothing has happened. He also does this when he expects it all to just go away. He genuinely believes he's 'done his bit' by just going to the doctor (he made out it was a really big deal). i could hardly keep a straight face considering i'm about to have a fucking baby!

Is there A male friend/relative that could speak to him?

From your description it sounds absolutely awful and tbh not something I would tolerate in a relationship.

Not so much the actual problem as the attitude in dealing with it IYSWIM.

Maybe you could 'threaten' to tell your Dad (the non sexual side of the problem) and get him to phone him? As ignoring a serious health problem and his wife is unacceptable behaviour and if he cannot help himself you will need help from family members to explain the gravity of the situation to him.

Or the next time he experiences 'itching' call the emergency doctor.

No bad no one also even if there was he would never talk about it with anyone, he wont even talk to me. He would be livid if he thought i had told anyone.

And yes Offred this is definitely his worst aspect. monumental stubbornness and totally blinkered inability to see anyone elses pov. It makes him great at his job though

I wonder how much actual help he is going to be with the baby?

It sounds as if there are a lot of behavioural issues here.

Sorry bad thanks for your suggestions, i do appreciate them, but, that did make me laugh. There is no way telling my dad would work. For a start my dad would tell me to eff off as he wouldn't want to know or get involved. Secondly DP would go fucking apeshit and leave me just for telling my dad. He would also tell dad to mind his own business!

He told the doctor about the itching and the doctor said he would refer him, but DP has said no. So i can't see what getting an emergency doctor out would do either.

3little i honestly bet he is amazing with the baby. He is totally wrapped up in the thought of the baby already. He will happily do nappies etc. I don't think that will be a problem.

Wow. I don't know what else to say. Maybe write him another letter stating your terms. Hopefully he will see sense sooner rather than later.

You know, life is WAY WAY too short to put up with what you are, OP. It really is.

Personally, I'd have left after the first attempt at 'sex', but seeing as that you didn't and are with this person and somehow managed to conceive, I'd rather be without money than with someone like this.