Can i convince DP to be circumcised...

[ockytockyonga]

I know this is a controversial subject, but just wanted some advice. I have name changed as this is so personal I want to protect DP.

DP's foreskin does not pull back at all, not even a bit. He should have had it fixed as a child, when it started giving him trouble, but I don't think his Mother wouldn't allow it.

He is very sensitive about it and doesn't like to discuss it. We have spoken before but he gets very defensive.

Basically, because of the way his Penis is he doesn't get stimulation from the normal backwards and forward motion. He prefers a very tight grip at the tip with sort of circular motions. Because of this it means he doesn't get much out of PIV sex. I am either too tight and it hurts, as it pulls his foreskin back. Or i am too wet and then the grip is not hard enough.

But also because of this there are other effects. His penis seems to store wee in the end, so it smells bad. I really don't like putting it in my mouth as it tastes so bad - I have gagged and almost vomited before.

The only sex he seems to get decent stimulation from is if I hold a flat vibrator firmly onto the end of his penis. Also he doesn't really like kissing or oral on me. So he will use a vibrator on me in return. I am starting to find our sex life really limited and unfulfilling. Although we both orgasm it is a bit clinical.

On a hygiene issue, the penis leaks wee onto his pants and trousers so i can often smell his groin. Also because the hole is on the side, his wee comes out at a 90 degree angle so is often all over the bathroom floor and sprays everywhere.

When I have asked him about circumcision he gets very distressed and says it's part of him and it is like him asking me to get a boob job. I don't think it is the same as that is purely cosmetic.

I love him so much but i really don't want this to be my sex life for the rest of my life. I just think he would enjoy sex so much more if he had a circumcision. Does anyone have any experience of this?

Okay, flame me for being dreadful...

Just to add to this, my DH has something similar - although not as bad as your DP in that it doesn't really affect sex....his half pulls back but not fully.

He went to see the doctor recently and the doc was very firmly of the view it wasn't right and needed sorting. He said it can cause infection, or can tear during intercourse and DH was lucky not to have had issues with this and he needed to see a urologist ASAP. He has his op booked soon.

Now from what you say I strongly suspect your DP isn't telling you everything!! I know all docs are different but for something that isn't such an issue my DH was told to have the op, so its odd your DP wasn't told similar.

Oh Expat i didn't mean to say i was only with him for money! I love him. I am just saying that atm i don't have any to fall back on, so i couldn't make a grand gesture of leaving as i'd have nowhere to go.

sparkle yes i truly expect DP is telling me fibs. I cannot imagine the doc changing his tune so much from when i discussed it with him the other day.

bad i set my terms out in the letter already quite plainly. I have said, more oral and circumcision (and marriage) or i am leaving in 2 months.

He is now talking about us emigrating - as if i would say oh okay that makes up for the other 3! total denial and utter madness.

I realise that, OP, but you do have a place to go! Go to Women's Aid. Go the homeless route at your council.

But no, I'd not stay with someone who had so little respect for our lives together.

And NO way are you to emigrate! He cannot force you to or take your child with him.

If you're lucky, he'll fuck off by himself.

My DP had the same problem, and just wasn't interested in,penetrative sex because of the pain. He was circumcised and there are pros and cons.

Sex and the other probs have gone but he was very sensitive for at least a year, he can't wear boxers and if his pants aren't the right fit he complains of rubbing pain, although this is a lot better than it was. For at least a year he said if he could turn back time he wouldn't of done it, but I don't think that's the case now.

Sex is good now, but needs lube, I'm 4 months pregnant so it's all working!

It's a difficult decision and for the first year I felt guilty as DP regretted it, although I never pressurised him into it, he has to want to do it himself and accept that it may not all be plain sailing but may be worth it in the end.

ha! expat your post made me laugh. I don't want him to fuck off by himself. (sometimes i do, but it doesn't last) I want him to fix it.

And haf i am now worried. My strength to get this done is based on the fact it would be so much better virtually immediately (within months anyway). The thought it may be worse or not get better within a year is terrifying. I couldn't stand the guilt and would worry DP would resent me.

'I want him to fix it.'

Yeah? Well, he won't. He hasn't by now and after this latest situation he is firmly telling you he won't do a thing about it.

OP re after effects it usually does work. An ex had this done in his mid twenties several years ago, he said it was sensitive for a few months and then it settled down. He was pleased he had it done, cleaner and made sex easier.

You have been driven to distraction by your DP's attitude, you cannot have been clearer in saying what you need, you are willing to walk away if he does not do something about it. Either he will or will not see sense. I sincerely hope he does deal with this.

Meanwhile, you get on with looking after yourself and your baby when he or she arrives, his penis can rot wait for a while.

Well if he doesn't 'fix it' expat i will be the one fucking off by myself!

Yes helen i have said it and will stick to it. In 2 months i should have some money through, so that will coincide with the 'ultimatum' deadline.

Been reading this since the start. He is being stupid and so are you. Why would you put up with this? Just say that here is no sex until he does it.

FWIW ma son had a too. Tight foreskin and had to have a circumcision when he was eight - he was quite embagrrassed at the time - but it had to be done.

Really, make him do it. The sex life you have is not good. It would b so much better for you both if h has this done

Btw he may not have to have a circumcision or at least not a full one. They may just can a slit in it or even just give him a steroid creAm to make it stretch. Can you phrase it like that? Make out you think he just needs some cream?

Erm busy i have, he's fine with that! he's a sex camel. We are having a baby so sex is off the cards anyway. I know sex would be better but he thinks its fine the way it is - he knows no better.

ethelb he is more terrified of that than a full circumcision. He wont even contemplate any stretching. Not sure how i could convince him he 'just needs cream' when he would have to be stretching it every day which is what is the fear in the first place (stretching it and hurting it). SO sadly nope.

Anyway the Ostrich award for living in denial goes to DP. He just came in to me and said 'all this is just because of the stress of the baby' ERM NO IT FUCKING ISNT YOU INFURIATING MAN. I actually kind of admire him for his total single mindedness.

So now he is very upset. He doesn't understand why i had a relationship with him in the first place when i knew this was part of him. I don't really have an answer for that other than when we were using condoms it wasn't such a big deal. Also i suppose when we 1st met i wasn't planning a life with him.

Also he is now saying that telling him i'm planning on leaving him when we are due our baby has irreparably hurt him. I have tried to explain i haven't said i AM going to leave him, just that if this isn't sorted i am not prepared for an unfulfilling sex life for the rest of my life.

He says whatever he has done wont fix/change anything and he has never asked me to go down on him so no oral is fine. Not for me.

He says he can't bear the thought of looking down and seeing something different - this is part of him and he doesn't want to change it.

He says i had an agenda and now i've got what i want (the baby) i am showing i don't really love him. This hurts the most. I love him too much i think.

PILs have upped the lunacy one more notch and sent him another 'email'. So now he feels totally lost and ganged up on and i can't make it better. I can't reassure him because 'i'm planning to leave him'.

I am 40+3 and i can't believe i am going to have this baby in this atmosphere. I am distraught. He wont look at me or touch me. I need comfort and i have nothing. i am sobbing now. I feel so sad for my baby. I feels so sad for DP. I can't fix any of it.

It is not irrational to want or need him to do something about this. It isn't as simple as it "just being part of" him. It has a negative effect on his life and on his relationships and it sets a poor example for his children about how you deal with things like this.

You love him and so it is really hard, you know what he says about the baby isn't true and it says more about him than you that he values not getting a medical problem solved more than you and the baby. Just because you didn't put pressure on him to sort it out at first doesn't mean you were never bothered about it and surely you have only learned the full effect on your sex life over time.

He has put his cards on the table, what are you going to do now? Maybe he should give you a bit of space?

It is unfortunate timing. How do you feel about the birth?

i just feel spent. like there is nothing left i can do. like i just want to lay down and sleep and never wake up.

He has just heard me crying and asked what's wrong. I said i was so worried about us and he coldly said "MY" behaviour has now put a massive question mark over the future of our relationship, and while he loves me the fact on the eve of our first baby i have done this has changed his feelings for me.

Incidentally i wasn't going to bring it up before the baby, but he found the letter i wrote and his penis was itching so it seemed like i should go with it.

I am so completely and totally alone. The baby hasn't moved much. i am so worried i have hurt it.

You won't have hurt the baby. The role of stress in pregnancy is overplayed. If you are worried then go and have it checked out. If not lie down, rest, drink water. This undoubtedly seems much worse than it is because of the timing. You need to try and focus and calm and prepare for the birth. You do not need to focus on who is to blame for what or what you should be doing with whom. If he is not helping you with the immediate priority of having this baby with love and joy then get him away from you and deal with any fall out later. If he is any kind of partner then he will be able to understand that the baby must be your priority right now and that stress won't help with your labour and birth. Could you look into getting a doula to help with the birth at the last minute?

I mean if there was something wrong it won't be down to this stress.

I think you are going to have to call a truce for the time being, whilst you give birth etc. that really is the most important thing ATM. His itchy penis might do the job for you if he gets an infection that won't clear up .

Baby's do slow down near the end but if you are worried give the hospital a ring and get checked out to put your mind at rest.

Really look after yourself now and good luck with the birth.

I know i am being silly about the baby. I'm sure it's fine. He said to me to stop getting upset and we'd just concentrate on the baby. But i need warmth and reassurance. I feel him cold and stiffened against me. i feel so stupid. I should have just accepted it the way it was and now everything is ruined. He will never love me properly again and always remember me threatening to leave him with the baby. He wont see i said those things to make him see how serious i am, not that this was my agenda all along. i can't believe he would think that of me.

This is not a nice man. He is a pathetic wimp, stubborn and blighted, and using emotional blackmail.

To not fix something because it is " a part of him that you should love" is idiotic.

Maybe he likes the stink of piss? He also sounds like a nob head for not trying to minimize the effects this part of him has on you.

You poor thing, what a crappy big mountain he's made out of what should have been a molehill.

Try not to worry about the baby, they often slow down just before the birth, which at 40+3 must be very imminent.

Thought this comment was particularly pertinent: "He says he can't bear the thought of looking down and seeing something different - this is part of him and he doesn't want to change it."

Has he not noticed quite how much you've changed over the past nine months? Because you love him and wanted to have a child with him, you have put up with all kinds of changes to your body, with many more to come when you give birth and if you breastfeed.

Please just try to focus on the wonderful thing that's about to happen to you, and ask him to do the same.

the changes to my body are happening naturally rather than with surgery and also he see's it as for the baby not for him.

He will be fine with me now and pretend nothing is happening, it is me who will find it hard, as i need to feel comfortable with him and hate the thought of elephants in the room and something being wrong between us.

i told him he was my soul mate and he said he wasn't as i had said i was thinking of leaving :( my heart is breaking

Don't convince yourself it will all be horrible and wrong forever. Things are changing massively for you right now and it is a big upheaval. If he is not helping you need to cut him loose just for right now you need to have blinkers on. You cannot afford to take on the burden of pretending everything is fine when it is not. It will never be more important than right now that you go with how you are feeling and prioritise your feelings above anything else because being stressed out does make labour and delivery harder. It is about your health and safety and reducing your stress just now, forget him, forget your relationship right now. What will you need for your labour?

And FWIW he doesn't get to tell you how you feel about him.

He is being a total baby about things.