Please. Somebody.

[ohgodwhatjusthappened]

DH hit toddler DS. So hard it has bruised and left a mark. On his face.

He has never done this before, ever. DS was just screaming and he lost it.

He is an amazing father and husband. He's crying and saying he will leave if I want him to.

I am in shock. I have name changed btw, regular. Please somebody help me. Please.

Have you had your DS checked over to check he is OK?

Yes, mrs next door is a nurse. It is actually going down/reducing though I didn't think it would. Ice and a snuggle helped.

Sorry for lack of detail, just in shock.

You need him to leave and give you some space while you decide 1) what he needs to do to be trusted with DS again and 2) whether you can forgive him. Of course there must be a lot of talking but not today. Right now he just needs to go. What he did was awful. A full smack in the face because he wouldn't settle in the bed is just terrible. I'm sure we have all lost our tempers with DCs but there is a line that you should never cross, he has completely crossed it.

Just because it's going down on the outside doesn't mean anything - it's what's happening on the inside that counts. If he hit him that hard he marked his face I would be very worried about what has happened on the inside. What did your neighbour say?

I think I would want to know why lashing out felt like an option for him when he was pushed. I feel qualified to say this, because it was mine until I answered this question (was my family's way; didn't want it to be mine any more; took a bit of time to do thoroughly) and it's no longer in my options. I would now hit an adult who was physically threatening me, but never attack first. I sometimes feel like it, I just don't do it.

The amount of thought and real effort he's prepared to put into this would affect my view on whether it was likely to happen again.

You're not minimising what's just happened, oh, and you're taking time to gather yourself. You're doing the right things so far. Good luck :)

Just to add, as others have - it's very, very important for DS to know that what his dad did was undeserved and wrong. No "But you were annoying him" or, worse, "That's what happens when you make a racket". Just pure, simple, "He was wrong." His dad should make this utterly clear to him as well.

Is it a bruise, or a temporary red mark that will fade in a while?

Op I'm so sorry for you. I have no idea what i would do if ever in this position. I know what should happen but i know how shocked you must be. I'm in tears here thinking of your little boy, it's dreadful the man he trusts most in the world assaulted him.
You definately need space from him.

Gosh. I'm not judging anyone here, at all. I fully appreciate what Custy and everyone are saying.

But. I am currently working in child protection. If we had received a referral stating that a man had bruised a toddler from hitting them across the face, the duty team would be on their way round to the home immediately.

I think I do need to point out that charges could be laid for this. I do appreciate that things happen and, in my work, I really do try hard not to judge.

That must be such a hard job, DCS.

Yes I agree. I'd call the police if you're serious about protecting your child.

hitting a toddler in the face is illegal, and I find it hard to believe that this is the first time he's showed any aggression. OP says a bruise - to leave that kind of mark carries real force i.e. he could have caused your child serious injury and you are lucky that he hasn't.

If someone hit me like that I'd call the police, don't see why your child should be any different.

Toddlers do scream though but to hit and leave a bruise is awful. You need a serious talk about boundaries

I think I would also encourage the police to be called. If someone else notices the bruise and makes a referral on your behalf, you could be questioned as to why you didn't "act protectively" over your child by seeking assistance or medical help.

Again, not judging here. Just trying to balance out the empathising with some facts.

Oh, if your DH hit you like that what would be your response?

I think him staying away tonight will give you space to think about what happened & what you want to do about it. You'll have a clearer head in the morning. So sorry honey.

Do you know if the bruise is from where he was hit, or did the blow cause him to hit his face on the side of the cot & bruise that way? Not that it in any way would excuses the behaviour.

I always remember the coded message in baby books about frustration and the advice to put the screaming baby/toddler in a room where it is safe and go elsewhere to calm down/half a cup of tea. I laughed when I first read it, but post birth realised that everyone must face moments when they will almost snap.
Your DH needs to man up, own his anger, own the fact that a whack from daddy is likely to cause more damage than anything a woman can do because of his superior strength. He needs to find the services HV, GP and admit to his action and more importantly find some better strategies. Did he get hit as a child? This is his issue. You have every right to keep DC away from him until he can explain calmly why he did it, what he has done to ensure it doesn't happen again.

This is not a slap or tap but the posters commenting about how "we all do things we regret" show how people who use physical discipline become accustomed to it and how it can escalate.

He hit a baby in the face so hard he left a bruise. I would never, ever hit my children like that. I KNOW that I would never do it. If any adult did that to my child, punched them right in the face (cos that is probably what he did if there is a bruise) they would be out of the house and would not come back and I would report it to the police. Husband or not. One time is too many.

The "if you'd said you'd done it" thing is a red herring. If MN said that they'd be wrong. Really bloody sick of the attitude that exists in this country towards child abuse. People seem to think children should have to put up with serious violations and abuses to maintain comfort for adults, it is wrong.

OP- I agree with DCSsunhill. Your DS has been horribly assaulted by the man he loves and trusts, poor little child! Hope that he is ok now.

I'm really sick of the judgemental attitude that is spouted off by people who don't know what the whole story is. No, the child should not have been hit, of course not, but posters here telling the OP to leave or throw him out? How does that help exactly? Are those posters going to provide the OP with RL support then or just engage in the usual 'Borg collective' mantra and if OP doesn't 'comply' she'll be considered a lesser parent?

That is MN at its worst, judging people instead of providing a supportive ear. I saw the same on Orm's thread. Bloody hell...

LyingWitch, some of us are saying to the OP that it is best to remove her son from a very angry man right now. No one is saying this marriage is over he's a brute get out. At least that's not what I have read here. OP's DP needs to understand why he lost control like he did and learn to manage his anger.

None of us know further than what the OP has told us on this thread.

Sounds like sound advice to me going by what we know.

Lyingwitch, no-one has actually said "leave your husband" at all, nearly everyone has said get him to leave at the moment, which i think is reasonable advice considering a toddler has been smacked across the face by a grown man with rage.
He needs to seek 'help' even if it is a one off, he obviously couldn't control his temper which is pretty worrying imo.
I only have sympathy for the op as she has a child to console and a dh that clearly has issues

Yes, they did say 'leave him/get him out' - first response actually. Also, a nasty little undertone through the thread of "you need to protect your DS".... as if OP wasn't doing that.

I really feel for the OP of this thread and I hope she has somebody in RL to turn to to tell her to breathe and think and work through what needs to be done, whatever that is.