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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm just about to send a message to OW. Someone talk me down please. :(

111 replies

BornToFolk · 01/07/2012 12:01

Brief synopsis of my life - discovered exP was having an affair about a month ago, with a married family friend. He left. I left the door of reconciliation open but he decided we had no future. I then found out he was still seeing OW, and also that she'd been diagnosed with cancer.

I just did something silly. I looked her up on Facebook and read her status that said she'd just had a 9 hour operation. Exp left a comment saying she's the bravest person he knows and she'll be fine. And she's a superstar.

I am just about to message her calling her every name under the sun. I am so so so angry with her. She slept with my partner in my bed. She has hurt me and my son so much and she gets all the sympathy, not to mention the support of the man who is supposed to support me.

It's so unfair and I hurt so much and I just want to hurt her as well. I know that makes me a horrible person. I know she's just been through an operation for a life threatening illness but I still want to hurt her. I want to hurt exP too but my relationship with him is much more complicated. He's still the father of my son. I do blame them both, I am honestly not pinning all the blame on her.

I have done nothing but behave well through this whole thing. I even said that exP could drop DS back early from his overnight visit and now I can see that's because exP is going to go and see her. I am sick and tired of being the responsible grown up selfless one. Sick of it.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 01/07/2012 12:04

Step away from the FB.

This will not end well.

They deserve each other, you are better than them.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 01/07/2012 12:04

Oh my love, don't do it.

I know you hurt but it won't get better if you hurt someone else.

It really won't and you know that, you are clearly a better person.

I will write more but wanted you to know there is someone listening

10987 · 01/07/2012 12:04

it won't make you feel better - don't do it.
Just think about yourself so think what will make you feel better - not what will make her feel worse.
looking her up on fb won't make you feel better.
what will make you feel better right now - meet a friend or a film or something do that instead.
you will feel better one day don't do anything that you will regret and you will regret contacting her

deste · 01/07/2012 12:05

Please don't write to her, be the better person. If you must write a letter, please don't send it.

Original poster
BornToFolk · 01/07/2012 12:08

I know, I know, I know. I just feel like both of them have got away with it scott free because I've been so reasonable. I could have made things difficult and I haven't. And it's all for DS's sake. But I want them to know what they've done.

I did actually send a message but I deleted it after I'd sent it. I might say something to exP when he drops DS off in a bit though. I'm so pissed off he's bring DS back early so he can go and see her.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/07/2012 12:09

Folk I remember your threads when you found them in your house :(

You behaved with amazing dignity and courage then, and somehow you need to find the strength to continue to do that. God knows in your situation I would want to lash out, I hope I would manage not to.

Hang in there, it will get better and everyone will get what they deserve.

stuffedfull · 01/07/2012 12:11

You will regret it, don't lower yourself. If anything your anger could be directed to ex p, he is the one who has jeopardised your relationship, fatherhood, family life. The fact that she is unwell is nothing to do with your broken relationship but any retort from you to her under these circumstances may show you in a bad light and sacrifice your mature approach do far. Xx

KatieScarlett2833 · 01/07/2012 12:14

One day you will look back an be glad you didn't rise.

Your dignity is far more important.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/07/2012 12:15

If you post your thoughts on facebook, be prepared for her friends to enjoy the drama and post some nasty things back to you. It will hurt you and you will have no recourse but to continue or back away to lick your wounds.

Your ex-partner is a poor specimen. If he's writing his support on facebook then that is little more than no support at all. A proper partner would be there in person and not on facebook.

Write what you want on a sheet of paper - get it all out -and then burn it. Stay off facebook and block her so that you don't see anything about her whatsoever.

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/07/2012 12:16

The hard work you have done over the past month with regards finance keeping you and him on an even keel will implode the minute you press enter..

WRITE IT ON HERE INSTEAD AND WE WILL BE HERE TO HAND HOLD.

Count to 10 go put kettle on, get out bottle opener, scream whatever it takes to stand down for a minute.

bananaistheanswer · 01/07/2012 12:17

Think long term, your DS needs some semblance of stability and a reasonably amicable/cordial relationship between his parents. You have done brilliantly so far, keeping him the focus of your every move, considering his feelings and how to ensure he is as unaffected by the separation as it's possible to be under the circumstances. If you attack the OW here, while she is this vulnerable, there is no knowing how that will backfire on you from your ex's perspective. It really isn't worth the extreme aggro that will cause, for your son's sake. No matter how deserving either of them are of your anger, your son needs you to vent and let it go, without actually causing a massive blow out between you and your ex. I have every sympathy with you and what you are feeling, and I know it's really hard to deal with that anger at times, but believe me, the long term damage this could do for your son isn't worth that tiny bit of satisfaction you'd get from hurting the OW here.

Find a cushion and thrash the living daylights out of it, scream at the top of your lungs if that helps with the anger. But don't lash out at her, when that pain you cause her will rebound on your son at some point. It's not worth it.

saffronwblue · 01/07/2012 12:17

Hang in there Bornto. Stay on that high moral ground and don't go near FB. Cool distance will serve you and your DS in the long run. You have been so brave and dignified so far.

Chubfuddler · 01/07/2012 12:17

Don't do don't do it don't do it don't do it don't do it.

You will look awful, all her friends will pile in, any crap your ex has spouted about your alleged personal defects will appear true, she will seize moral high ground.

Don't do it. Just don't.

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 12:18

Don't do it. I can see the temptation, I really can, but you'll do it, feel good for about a second and then your self-esteem will come crashing down.

LyingWitch's suggestion is good. Write it all down, exactly what you think, and then just don't post it. Chuck it away.

And then go and do something nice for yourself, cuppa, sit down, read, walk, chat with a friend.

They have done horrible things to you. Maybe they'll never get their comeuppance. That's life. But you can walk away knowing that you never acted in a way that would shame you.

Pickgo · 01/07/2012 12:18

Pity her.... she's going through a very shit time by the sound of it. And who's she got for support? Someone who has just proved themselves the most faithless twunt imaginable. Some ow people never learn...

Remember the best revenge is to live your life for you and to be happy.

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/07/2012 12:21

This is gonna sound shit, and so will apologise in advance.. some would say Karma has already hit her.

SirSugar · 01/07/2012 12:21

step away from FB.

I know you are hurting, don't send a nasty message you will feel worse. I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone its horrible.

Try to do something good just for you

SirSugar · 01/07/2012 12:22

Yes that is shit Guilty, have you ever looked after someone dying of cancer?

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 12:24

That does sound shit, Guilty.

Come on, loads of people get cancer, it has nothing to do with some specious idea that we get what we deserve.

If that's the case, I must be a pretty shit person because I've had enough crap laid on my head at times to last me the rest of my days.

CurrySpice · 01/07/2012 12:25

You know he has told her you're an unreasonable unhinged harpie don't you? To justify his behaviour. If you do this, you will be playing right into his hands.

You will definitely regret it if you do.

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/07/2012 12:25

I have looked after a child who did die of something rarer.

But illness or any other condition doesnt give anyone a get out of jail card to willfully destroy someone elses life.

Original poster
BornToFolk · 01/07/2012 12:25

Thanks, banana, that is exactly what I needed to hear. I would never do anything that might hurt DS.

We're (me, DS and my mum) are going on holiday tomorrow. Some space will do us all good, I think.

I just want exP to know that, despite appearances, I AM NOT FINE. I am good at putting up a front, and I am good at the practical stuff so I'm sure it looks like I'm managing everything and I have been civil to exP but things are not as good as they appear. I hurt, I am scared, I am lonely. Exp caused that and I want him to know it.

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 01/07/2012 12:25

Guilty what a vile thing to say

MardyArsedMidlander · 01/07/2012 12:27

Exactly. I have had some terrible times in my life, and would have to be mass murderer to amass that sort of 'karma'.

It's all bullshit. However, what is sadly unarguable is that a) posting nasty remarks on Facebook and b) slagging off someone who has just undergone an 8 hr op will make you look like the biggest biyatch in the world. Not fair, I know, but true.

Rindercella · 01/07/2012 12:28

Yep, that does sound shit guiltypleasures. It is one thing supporting an OP through this, it is quite another to suggest the OW deserves cancer. Cancer isn't Karma, what a stupid, idiotic thing to say - incredibly insulting to anyone who has died long, protracted and painful deaths from it.

Folk, you know it is the wrong thing to do. Scream and shout on here, write down the things you want to say to her, but don't send them...no good will come from it. It will only result in nasty comments back and your ex retaliating. Block the woman from your FB so you are not tempted to see any updates from her.