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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm just about to send a message to OW. Someone talk me down please. :(

111 replies

BornToFolk · 01/07/2012 12:01

Brief synopsis of my life - discovered exP was having an affair about a month ago, with a married family friend. He left. I left the door of reconciliation open but he decided we had no future. I then found out he was still seeing OW, and also that she'd been diagnosed with cancer.

I just did something silly. I looked her up on Facebook and read her status that said she'd just had a 9 hour operation. Exp left a comment saying she's the bravest person he knows and she'll be fine. And she's a superstar.

I am just about to message her calling her every name under the sun. I am so so so angry with her. She slept with my partner in my bed. She has hurt me and my son so much and she gets all the sympathy, not to mention the support of the man who is supposed to support me.

It's so unfair and I hurt so much and I just want to hurt her as well. I know that makes me a horrible person. I know she's just been through an operation for a life threatening illness but I still want to hurt her. I want to hurt exP too but my relationship with him is much more complicated. He's still the father of my son. I do blame them both, I am honestly not pinning all the blame on her.

I have done nothing but behave well through this whole thing. I even said that exP could drop DS back early from his overnight visit and now I can see that's because exP is going to go and see her. I am sick and tired of being the responsible grown up selfless one. Sick of it.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 01/07/2012 12:28

It's find to let your ex know he has hurt you. But don't abuse a sick woman on fb. It will rebound on you x1000

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 12:28

That's not what you said though, Guilty. You said she had got what she deserved.

The best thing you can do, OP, is continue being civil. That is the worst punishment for people like that. They are so self-involved that they just cannot understand why what they've done hasn't upset you more. Because they really do think that the world revolves around them.

It's good you're going on holidays (or holibobs as someone memorably called them on here wtf). Where you off to?

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/07/2012 12:30

Yes yellow i thought I must have been heinous in a past life, but my comment was an honest one, I also advised the op not to do it, and to hold the high ground, karma has been mentioned my view for the op was if it helped her cope with her ongoing anguish and stress, then this woman was already paying a horrid price, I think it might be more though that her stbx is showing such compassion to a woman he supposedly has only known for a short while.

But has shown no compassion for his wife or son.

Original poster
BornToFolk · 01/07/2012 12:30

Yeah, Guilty that was vile. And not particularly helpful.

Although I think she's a complete bitch, she does have two small children of her own so I am hoping she's OK, for their sake.

I don't really believe in karma. My view on the whole thing is that sometimes shit things happen to good people and sometimes shit things happen to shit people.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 01/07/2012 12:30

I agree so strongly with whoever said the best revenge is to live your life and be happy.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 01/07/2012 12:31

BornTo I remember your previous thread.

Hold your head high and let them get on with it.

You'll come out the other end with your dignity intact.

If you sent it thenm deleted it, she will still see it. I get notifications of posts etc even one a friend put on the death of my niece then deleted it (as she realised I hadn't made any details public)

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/07/2012 12:31

Yellow perhaps you might like to cut and past where I have exactly said that this woman deserved this?

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 12:31

I don't think it's a nice thing to say.

People do not get cancer because of karma. It is really insulting to suggest they do.

Anyway, this is about the OP.

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 12:31

Karma = deserved it.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/07/2012 12:32

Your ex is a cunt to be so publicly supporting her. Does he have no shame for what he has done!

No wonder you are angry.

Houseofplain · 01/07/2012 12:33

How many times can you say the same thing? Guilty said it, EVERONE has said that it's vile. She dosent need to be told every post. Why derail the thread anymore?

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/07/2012 12:33

Born how can it be ok for you to nearly have done what you was going to do, but it is not ok for me to comment on Karma. What you was thinking was even worse, but I at least understood where you was coming from.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/07/2012 12:33

BornTo... Your ex-p DOES know that you aren't fine. He can't NOT know this. I believe that even the most base cheater realises the impact of pain they've caused to the other person when they are caught out. He knows. He will be re-writing what happened in his head to make himself more likeable to himself and others. He doesn't bother doing that with you because you know the truth.

Please don't prostrate yourself and your feelings at his feet - he won't care - he can't allow himself to because that would mean that he admits the truth to himself and that would bring his facade crashing down. He can't do that.

Try to stop thinking of how your pain impacts on him and whether he will feel guilty/sad for what he's done. He may well feel this in time - but a long time down the road when you won't be bothered anymore yourself - for now, your pain will not penetrate his selfish skin. If you try to get a reaction by drawing attention to your pain, he will hurt you more by ignoring it, even the most obvious cries - and that will truly hurt you and damage your vulnerable self-esteem further.

Rant away anywhere that is safe to do so - with people who have no wish to hurt you. Here is good. You're not alone and never will be.

Original poster
BornToFolk · 01/07/2012 12:34

"If you sent it thenm deleted it, she will still see it. "

Fuck, really?! I sent a message, not posted it on her wall or anything. I deleted the coversation and I can't see it anymore, will it still have gone to her?

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 01/07/2012 12:35

Op honestly just leave it. As others have said, having a go at a sick woman, well will just bring out the worst in people.

However the upside, is he will be getting all the scorn, people will look at him being so brazen and think what a prick.

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 12:36

OK Guilty, let's just leave it.

Lying has good advice OP. People like that DO NOT CARE that they have hurt you. It would damage their image of themselves too much. That's probably why he's being so publicly nice to the OW. To prove to himself that he is a lovely person still.

In time, I think a lot of people do come to realise they were a twat. But many also don't.

Houseofplain · 01/07/2012 12:36

Yeah...what did you send....
It will probably still be in your archive.

Abitwobblynow · 01/07/2012 12:37

Alright everyone, Guilty has got the point. I really wish MN wouldn't pile in on people like that: if one person has made the [reprimand] everyone else joining in turns it into bullying, can't you see that?

Folk, the one thing about affairs and betrayal, is that they are really not fair. The injustice of them is well nigh unbearable.

Come and write the worst, nastiest, most horrible thing you can, post it on MN and then report it after an hour, or burn it up the chimney. We understand.

Where is her spouse now, by the way?

Rindercella · 01/07/2012 12:37

Folk, go and have a lovely holiday. Enjoy the time with your children and catch your breath from all that has gone on in your life recently. You are going through your own sort of bereavement at the moment - the loss of the life you thought you had; the cruel treatment by a partner you thought was a good man. That is going to take time to heal. It is no wonder you are not thinking very kind thoughts at the moment.

Breathe through all of this shit as it will pass, I promise you.

Chubfuddler · 01/07/2012 12:37

If you sent a private fb message then she will have received it. All you have deleted is your sent copy, like deleting an item from your email sent box.

Oh dear. What did it say?

cluelessnchaos · 01/07/2012 12:37

Can you tell exp to change his privacy settings or for him to set ow fbook settings so you can't see any updates. If her profile is open and he is your friend and commenting then you will be subjected to seeing these comments. Or block ex? I know people will say just don't look but easier said than done.

BlackCatsAndPurpleDogs · 01/07/2012 12:38

I think she will have got it, delete your end is like when you send an email then delete from your sent box.
Done now, no point worrying about what you cant change.
I would not send any more, if she replies, or updates status about getting 'nasty messages from people when she is ill with cancer' etc, still ignore.

saffronwblue · 01/07/2012 12:39

Bornto it may be simpler to think about your anger with your ex than OW- especially as she is in this situation. It must hurt like hell to see him fawning over her and congratulating her on her strength when the two of them have just destroyed two families.
Just keep away from FB and don't respond. You are modelling decent adult behaviour to your DS. What a lucky boy he is.

NarkedRaspberry · 01/07/2012 12:39

She's married? Does her DH know about the affair?

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 12:39

OK, well, you've sent it. At least it was private, not public.

Go off on your holidays and try not to worry.

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