I'm just about to send a message to OW. Someone talk me down please. :(

[BornToFolk]

Brief synopsis of my life - discovered exP was having an affair about a month ago, with a married family friend. He left. I left the door of reconciliation open but he decided we had no future. I then found out he was still seeing OW, and also that she'd been diagnosed with cancer.

I just did something silly. I looked her up on Facebook and read her status that said she'd just had a 9 hour operation. Exp left a comment saying she's the bravest person he knows and she'll be fine. And she's a superstar.

I am just about to message her calling her every name under the sun. I am so so so angry with her. She slept with my partner in my bed. She has hurt me and my son so much and she gets all the sympathy, not to mention the support of the man who is supposed to support me.

It's so unfair and I hurt so much and I just want to hurt her as well. I know that makes me a horrible person. I know she's just been through an operation for a life threatening illness but I still want to hurt her. I want to hurt exP too but my relationship with him is much more complicated. He's still the father of my son. I do blame them both, I am honestly not pinning all the blame on her.

I have done nothing but behave well through this whole thing. I even said that exP could drop DS back early from his overnight visit and now I can see that's because exP is going to go and see her. I am sick and tired of being the responsible grown up selfless one. Sick of it.

PS - an ADULT having "it's complicated" as a status is WEIRD.

Yeah, maybe FB need a
'currently sleeping with friend's wife/husband/partner' option

Born to you are doing amazingly well to separate her illness from the wrong she and ex have done to you. You should be really proud of this and are obviously a great human being!

That's pretty much what it's code for tiffi. That or "I am a repressed homosexual".

Do not dare apologise.

You only told the truth.

I actually do believe she has got what she deserves.

She has got a lying cheating devious scumbag partner who she will never know when the day he will treat her the way he and she treated Born will come but will always know it can.

What a happy life.

And I wouldn't mention the remark to exh. She may not even see it. Just keep your dealings with H limited to facts and DS.

personally I wouldn't mention it. It was ill advised, but honestly, he can hardly point the finger can he? If he has the brass balls to give you shit about it then you can apologise (if you feel like it) in my experience though, they'll both ignore it and pretend nothing has happened. Because actually, they know that they are shits and won't want the bun fight any more than you do.

Consider it water under the bridge my lovely, it's just one of those things. You're allowed a chink in your armour - no one is dignified all the time. You are still doing fabulously well!

Good point xales. She knows he is capable of deceit and infidelity. Most of us know in theory it's a possibility, but this woman knows her new partner can fuck another woman in his lunch break and go home to play happy families with his unsuspecting wife. What a fuck up she's won for herself.

Oh Born I feel for you so much, and I would be exactly the same. It's not fair, it's the sense of injustice that would kill me. That kind of hurt can eat away at you and you need a space to get it out - here, counseling maybe, somewhere you can say these words without the consequences of any kind of judgement i.e. your ex, her friends etc. What you're feeling is completely natural - anyone would but I would definitely be eaten up by it.

But take heart from this - you acting with decorum and decency never was about them or for them, it was for yourself and because you were able to because you're a fundamentally decent human being. You didn't behave with civility because they deserved it, but because it makes things better for you and your son in the long run.

Re the message - I think it's completely fine. No reference to the cancer, which what it seemed like initially from your OP! She did contributing in wrecking your family but it's not like you said one (the cancer) was a consequence of the other. Don't apologise. These are your feelings, your thoughts. She did do this, along with your ex. You're not exactly likely to have a high opinion of her, are you??

If she links it to the cancer as in and gets upset, as in I'm ill and she's said this to me - too bad. Being ill doesn't negate or absolve her of what she did - being ill is completely separate to this.

I would say nothing to your exP actually. Your conversation is about your son, not about him or his mistress or anything else.

You aren't in a relationship with him anymore - he chose that. So you don't have to explain yourself to him ever again, not ever.

You have nothing to apologise for.

Oh and folk you have acted with indescribable dignity from the second this happened. I remember your op about finding them - you sat and read your ds a story while she dressed and exited. Frankly how you managed that I cannot imagine, but seriously, kudos to you that you did. I'd have been emptying my husband's clothes out of the window.

I bloody love MN at times like this! Thanks all. DS is back, happy and excited about holiday and Mum's coming round in a bit.

I just had a wobble and I'm glad you all talked me down. I'll talk to Mum about it later too.

ExP doesn't want to talk tonight anyway, because of the holiday.

good. Go and have fun!! x

Have a lovely holiday x

No, don't mention it to your XP - and certainly do not apologise!

You do not need to explain your actions to a man who has treated you so appallingly, or to the woman who helped him do it.

If he mentions it to you, refuse to engage with him on the subject.

You can do what you like to whomever you like without having to worry about the effect it has on him; his response/reaction to your behaviour is irrelevant and inappropriate.

He made his decision, and now he has to live with the consequences.

ah, x post.
have a fabulous holiday!

Pinky. That's what i wanted to say but couldn't put it into words.

I'm with Xales on this one

My revenge is that OW married exH and will now either have to live with him forever or deal with yet another divorce and failed relationship (she also specialised in married men it seems).

My view, FWIW, is that the more you let him know how hurt you are the more he will bask in the glory of having 2 women in love with him. Be civil and pleasant but get on with your life and be happy. You have had a lucky escape - I think my life (and my children's) might be have been much happier if my exH had buggered off sooner. He has shown that he is not worth your emotional energy. Have a great holiday and forget about him.

OP, i know how you feel (but due to a different situation to yours). i think by being strong and on the face of it looking like you are fine and coping ok is the biggest comeuppance to your ex and OW.

Write your letter and post it here. i absolutely believe in Karma. Do everything you can to stay strong, live with dignity and enjoy life with your son.

These people won't matter to you and have no bearing on your life but its up to you to take control of their effect on you. You wont be able to see that now but trust me, in time thatWILL be the case.

I can so sympathise with you , BUT please dont act rashly for the sake of your self , your child and your peace of mind , look love I know your hurting , but beleive you me you are well out of it , be kind to yourself talk to friends , treat yourself if you can , remember to love yourself, You deserve so much better .

Pickgo's reply was very wise

for all these believing in "karma" what did the OP do to deserve her "karma"? or can you be selective?

Have a good hOliday.

Block them on fb, I feel so much better since I blocked my H and friend and her H. I have no desire to know that they are up to. I felt much better once I did that.

I've blocked OW and her husband. ExP is still a "friend". I want to be able to keep tabs on him and he posts photos of DS when he has him, which I want to be able to see.
But I don't need contact with the others, so - blocked. And I do feel better.