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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm just about to send a message to OW. Someone talk me down please. :(

111 replies

BornToFolk · 01/07/2012 12:01

Brief synopsis of my life - discovered exP was having an affair about a month ago, with a married family friend. He left. I left the door of reconciliation open but he decided we had no future. I then found out he was still seeing OW, and also that she'd been diagnosed with cancer.

I just did something silly. I looked her up on Facebook and read her status that said she'd just had a 9 hour operation. Exp left a comment saying she's the bravest person he knows and she'll be fine. And she's a superstar.

I am just about to message her calling her every name under the sun. I am so so so angry with her. She slept with my partner in my bed. She has hurt me and my son so much and she gets all the sympathy, not to mention the support of the man who is supposed to support me.

It's so unfair and I hurt so much and I just want to hurt her as well. I know that makes me a horrible person. I know she's just been through an operation for a life threatening illness but I still want to hurt her. I want to hurt exP too but my relationship with him is much more complicated. He's still the father of my son. I do blame them both, I am honestly not pinning all the blame on her.

I have done nothing but behave well through this whole thing. I even said that exP could drop DS back early from his overnight visit and now I can see that's because exP is going to go and see her. I am sick and tired of being the responsible grown up selfless one. Sick of it.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 01/07/2012 15:50

I wouldn't want to keep tabs on him. He's not worth the shit on your shoes really and things are bound to come up in the future, comments and photos etc that may hurt you - is it worth it? As long as you are civil because of your little boy he really isn't worthy of any more of your attention.

Use Facebook for fun things and friendship.
I remember her husband got in touch with you - what happened there Bornto?

Anyway, you go away and have the best holiday and come back relaxed and revitalised. Have fun!

skyebluesapphire · 01/07/2012 15:56

I can see where you are comIng from, I unblocked H again to look at photos he put on of DD, but the I saw that he had sponsored OW netball team, now named after his business.... And he put on comments about how proud he was of them and so did her H. And it really annoyed me so I blocked him again! and won't unblock again in a hurry.

Another reason for blocking him was that it "broke his heart not to be able to look at pictures of DD, " ...... Should have thought of that before he walked out......

Angelico · 01/07/2012 15:56

Bornto I can completely understand why you are so angry - I remember your thread when you discovered stuff. I'm so sorry your DP was such a wanker. You're only human - some vitriol was bound to come out sooner or later. It is awful OW has cancer but it does not in any way entitle her to sleep with your DP. She needs to understand the consequences of her actions - of course you're going to be furious. In fact I'm furious for you Angry :(

Go away on your holiday, have a brilliant time and forget about them both. And if your DP mentions it I think that would be a great time to 'unleash the beast' and give him both fucking barrels. I understand why women want to be dignified but sometimes the twunts need to really understand what they have done. Allow yourself one mega-rant at him if he provokes you - and then tell him "I hate what you've done but for the sake of our DS I will be polite to you. Don't be under any illusions that my dignity and grace are for YOUR benefit."

Angelico · 01/07/2012 15:58

BTW Bornto is she still with her husband AND your DP?! Reading skye's post above sounds like a similar thing - I'm like WTAF?! Do they have gold-plated fanjos or something?! Confused

JustFabulous · 01/07/2012 16:05

I'm sorry it did turn out he was a cheating prick.

Don't apologise to him about messaging his bit of stuff. Don't even mention it. He will have to bring it up if he is bothered by it.... Wink.

skyebluesapphire · 01/07/2012 16:08

Do t want to hijack thread but quick explanation. My H walked out saying he didn't love me then I discovered he was emailing and texting his best mates wife up to 100 times a day. Behind my back and behind her H back , right through our holiday. My H talked about her endlessly... they have now told her H some of it but not all I don't think. My H is currently lodging with them......

I am apparantly unreasonable and the only person who has a problem with this, My H, OW (as she is referred to) and her H all think they are just being friendly..... Allmy mates family, random strangers I tell story to, think that there is something going on...

Apologies for hijack born Grin

BornToFolk · 01/07/2012 16:23

I think she's still living at home, yes. And her husband has also posted stuff on her page, supportive stuff. So yeah, I guess it must be a gold-plated fanjo! Or she's bringing out the heroics in the men...Hmm Apparently they are divorcing though,.

I haven't spoken to her husband apart from that one time. He did text me asking to talk again but I said no. I felt that I'd said and heard everything I needed and anything else would just cause me unecessary pain. He's not been in touch since. I did say that if I heard anything I thought he needed to know, I'd tell him and asked him to do the same. We have each others' phone numbers now so I could talk to him if I wanted to. But I don't, for the time being.

skyblue, that is one messed up situation!

OP posts:
RightFedUp · 01/07/2012 16:46

One of the many benefits of being rid of him is that you are now your very own person and do not have to explain your actions or apologise. You are your own, with your own moral compass and your own decisions to make. You do not have to give a shiny shit whether he approves of your actions or not.

Enjoy!!

fiventhree · 01/07/2012 17:26

Oh look now, BtF, first, what you wrote wasnt that bad, at all!

Secondly, I very glad actually, that you have got to the angry stage. You should be angry. They have both treated you like shit. And it isnt good for you, or anyone , is it, being nice all the time?

Now- about the complicated remark. Tee hee. I had an aupair, aged all of 19, a few years ago who temporarily used the facebook name 'laviacomplicata'. H and I thought it very funny, given how complicated her life was not. The usual teenage nonsense. But the OW here? Truly, what an immature arse she is, putting such a thing on her facebook page for all to see.

You can choose to let it bring joy to your heart, that your ex has chosen to dump his wife and family for such a woman. Of course, though, you knew anyway that only someone with their head up their own arse would have done what she did in the first place.

Of course, both of their lives are going to get a lot more complicated in future, arent they, given their equally matched selfishness and the rest of the mess they have created for themselves. Their lives together, statistically, are very very unlikely to work out long term, and then she can repent at her leisure.

SO SO glad you are off on that much needed holiday.

And after you get back, missis, a few nights on the tiles, a new hairdo, and some killer heels.

Dprince · 01/07/2012 18:21

Born, don't worry your message. Have a great holiday.

Rachaelboo · 02/07/2012 03:46

Born your sitting on the fence too much. People get there karma ! Hopefully your husband will leave her.

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