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Original poster

My DH was an unplanned baby

105 replies

Ilovetoridecamels · 29/06/2012 19:12

My DH has recently discovered that he was an unplanned baby.
They were planning to have children,just not so soon.
He is surprisingly upset about this.Well,surprising to me .
He does not have the best of relationships with his parents,and plans to bring this up with them at Christmas,when they all have a get together.
He says they dont like him that much,and now he finds he wasnt wanted.
His parents did have another child a few years later.
I am not sure what to say to him,and not even sure there is anything to say tbh.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/06/2012 19:16

Oh dear

I fear he is over reacting

"unplanned" does not mean "unwanted"

I get he has a poor relationship with his parents but if he saves this up to "have it out" with them at xmas, I fear it won't end well

I have an awful relationship with my parents (they are toxic) and I know I went to their wedding in my mother's uterus. There are some things I hold against them, but that isn't one of them

talk him out of it, for everyone's sake

eastendywendy · 29/06/2012 19:18

Well, what are his parents like to him? Fair? Loving? Same as to his sibling?

My dh was an unplanned baby, and in fact, his parents have since said they'd wanted a girl when they had found out his mum was pregnant. He doesn't care.

Bbringing it up at Christmas seems mean and attention seeking imo. What is he going to 'bring up'? Loads of people are unplanned? He's acting imo like he's just found out he's adopted for example. What does this fact change?

JustFabulous · 29/06/2012 19:22

Your DH is hurt and that is reasonable, but it isn't reasonable to bring it up at Christmas when the family are all together and hopefully having fun. He needs to find someway of working through this.

Unplanned = a surprise.

A surprise is normally a good thing, a nice thing.

I was unplanned by my father, unwanted by both of them. Not great but not worth having it out with my parents about. Nothing would make me speak to them ever again.

Mollydoggerson · 29/06/2012 19:22

Unplanned - Big deal, he had no control over that, what's he going to get out of having it out with them. What does he think he will achieve?

Is the planned sibling any more loved than he is?

What is the point of it all, he is not to blame for anything, if his parents are fucked up he just needs to accept that, there is no point in fighting about it.

OwlsOnStrings · 29/06/2012 19:22

"Not planned" and "Not wanted" are entirely different things. He sounds like he's just looking for something to hang his bitterness on.

Strawbezza · 29/06/2012 19:24

How did he find out he was unplanned? If there's been a "well we never wanted you in the first place" conversation then that puts matters in a different light.

But lots of babies are unplanned.

Original poster
Ilovetoridecamels · 29/06/2012 19:24

His mum is fair.His dad is harsh,but my DH is no picnic back to him either.I think my DH has built up resentment to his dad.
He feels unable to talk to his dad properly.
I think DH feels further unwanted.
bringing it up at Christmas would be a bad idea,I agree.I will see if I can change his mind about that.

OP posts:
ginhag · 29/06/2012 19:25

We were all unplanned, although my parents did want kids.

DP was truly unplanned, his mum was sixteen, boyfriend's parents essentially labelled her a whore, she was being pushed into the whole 'hiding away/adoption' thing. Boyfriend would have nothing to do with her.

I think your DH has the right to whatever emotional reaction hits him, but a sense of perspective is always useful. And I agree, 'unplanned' and 'unwanted' are very different words.

thestringcheesemassacre · 29/06/2012 19:25

I was unplanned. Hey ho.

Toughasoldboots · 29/06/2012 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ilovetoridecamels · 29/06/2012 19:29

I think you could be right OwlsOnStrings.I hadnt thought of that.
His sibling is treated the same as him as far as I know.
It is the emotional part that is troubling him.
He found out he was unplanned beacuse his dad and I were having a normal conversation about a hospital that has been pulled down.And then his dad went on to describe how he saw DHs mum come out of it looking stunned,and DHs dad,said he himself felt like the sky had fallen in.

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 29/06/2012 19:29

When he has it out with them, what does he expect them to do? Apologise? What outcome is he hoping for apart from a pointless row that will change nothing

waltermittymissus · 29/06/2012 19:30

My first reaction would be to tell him to grow up! I'm sorry to say he sounds a bit ridiculous!

My oldest DS was unplanned. I was terrified of telling my (traditional) parents. I adore him, as do DH and everyone else.

I'm not trying to belittle his strained relationship but really, having it out with them at Christmas? He sounds like a stroppy teenager!

Original poster
Ilovetoridecamels · 29/06/2012 19:30

I think he feels unwanted,because he has found out he was unplanned,iyswim

OP posts:
piprabbit · 29/06/2012 19:32

I was an unplanned pregnancy, but I was a very much wanted baby.

My only Hmm is why my parents chose to tell me (as a teen) that I was unplanned as it did give me a bit of an emotional wobble. I don't see how sharing that info with me was helpful to anyone.

AnyFucker · 29/06/2012 19:32

He sounds quite childish, tbh

Strawbezza · 29/06/2012 19:34

He needs to move on. No point in blaming his parents for how they felt minutes after being told something so life-changing.

BrummieMummie · 29/06/2012 19:36

I understand why he's hurt but if he really wants to discuss it with them, then why is he waiting until Christmas? Sounds like he wants to turn this into a much bigger issue than necessary. If he's that bothered then why isn't he discussing it with them now?

Astr0naut · 29/06/2012 19:38

And on the bright side, at least he was conceived through passion. Dc2 was planned with military precision. Absolutely no passion involved whatsoever.

ImperialBlether · 29/06/2012 19:40

The baby Jesus was unplanned and you didn't hear him complaining about it, did you?

moneyissue · 29/06/2012 19:41

I was told in no uncertain terms that I wasn't planned or wanted.

It sticks with you which is bad enough & loads of scenarios will come back into his memory which will raise a whole load of questions.

Christmas is definitely NOT the right time to approach this subject.

I made this mistake on my birthday...as a result, I now hate my birthday with a passion, I cry non-stop on this day now. I fear this will be the same for your DH.

If he is insisting on doing this, it would be best if he can try & have a civil conversation on an insignificant date rather than a confrontation on a memorable date.

usualsuspect · 29/06/2012 19:42

I think hes over thinking tbh.

My DS was unplanned , I won't lie, I was not happy when I found out I was pregnant with him.

I can't imagine life without him now.

NightmareWalking · 29/06/2012 19:43

I'm pregnant now with a 'surprise' - like AF, my baby went to our wedding in my uterus (lovely phrase!) but s/he is already much loved and wanted by us both. Me, I was a planned and wanted baby but overheard my parents scream at each other during a row that 'they should never have had me' - I was 6 years old. I have never forgotten that, even though I have a pretty good relationship with DParents. I definitely think my DC is going to have the better deal.

You can blame parents for a lot of things - but their feelings 9 months before you were born is not one of them I think.

Dprince · 29/06/2012 19:46

I wasn't planned. My mum only wanted one and already had my older bro. As others have said unplanned and unwanted are entirely different things. To top it off I got a very 'boyish' name as mum wanted another ds. But she didn't not want me because I was a girl, she had the name picked and I got it.
Planning to bring it up at Christmas is very selfish and its sounds like he thinks he has found his excuse for him simply not getting on with his dad. Without sounding rude he needs to grow up. No one gets on with everyone. Its sounds very 50:50 when it comes to blame here. Your dh is an adult that doesn't get on very well with his dad. He should act like adults do, try to at least be civil for the rest of the family.
Adults don't plan on having something out at Christmas. Its June, Christmas is 6 months away. Surely if he MUST have this out with them (although ibdon what there is to have out) he could do it before then and if it can wait 6 months in can wait til after Christmas.

NotMostPeople · 29/06/2012 19:46

None of my three were planned but all very much wanted. I found out when I was an adult that not only was I unplanned but also the reason they got married. They divorced when I was primary school age. My younger brother was apparently an attempt to strengthen the marriage - he was two when they split.

I was shocked when I found out as I hadn't always known it wasn't a secret just hadn't come up but because I didn't know until I was an adult it felt like a big deal. Their divorce was very acrimonious so I felt totally responsible and quiet sad made worse by the fact I don't think they like me much. I understand how your dh feels, but I did get past it and it was only an issue for a short while, I'm completely over it now.

Give him some time.