My DH was an unplanned baby

[Ilovetoridecamels]

My DH has recently discovered that he was an unplanned baby.
They were planning to have children,just not so soon.
He is surprisingly upset about this.Well,surprising to me .
He does not have the best of relationships with his parents,and plans to bring this up with them at Christmas,when they all have a get together.
He says they dont like him that much,and now he finds he wasnt wanted.
His parents did have another child a few years later.
I am not sure what to say to him,and not even sure there is anything to say tbh.

My Ds and DD were both unplanned.

They are both loved beyond measure.

Overthinking, I would say.

I think he's overthinking it.

My DS1 was not planned. In fact he hadn't - I doubt I would have had kids.

And after the pregnancy factor had died down, I wanted my baby. And when I met him for the first time I fell head over heels in love with him. And loved having a child so much I had another one.

Is this something to be upset about?

Seriously? Tell him to get a grip and stop being so ridiculous.

I have joked with my loving, caring parents hat I must have been umplanned, as my older brother and I are so close in age, they laughed and said that no, I was planned, they wanted us close together.

Turns out brother was the unplanned one, they hadn't been together long!

They had been living in London, but they returned tonhome town, created a home, welcomed my brother with loving and open arms.

I followed, and likewise i was at their wedding in uterus.

33 years later they are still married. Ideal? Planned? Probably not. Not many people were unmarried before shacking up/having kids then. Unwanted? I've never thought it for even a single moment...

At least my folks are honest, after a chat with MIL one night, i said to DH next day 'i didn't realise your dad was married before you met your mum'. Turns out, neither did he she also told me she never wanted kids, I kept the gem to myself.

On a practical note, he should have 'had it out' when he found out, not plan to do so in the future.

Jees. Sorry for typos. Ipad + a few ciders = illiterate angeltattoo

I know 100% that I was unplanned (mum was 17) Her life has been tough but she's never once made me feel unwanted.
my own first 2 DC were also unplanned (damn combined pill failure twice as no one picked up on my symptoms that I shouldn't take it)

When my Parents got married, my mum was already pregnant so I'm pretty certain my eldest brother was unplanned.

He doesn't seem to have any issues

Thats a really stupid thing to be mad at your parents about. Lots of people have unplanned pregnancies, it doesn't mean they're unwanted. My son was unplanned, but if when he's an adult he wants to yell at me for it then I will be telling him to stfu :P

If this is all your DH has to be upset about then he is a lucky man. I was unplanned as were 2 of my 3 dc, that's just how we roll in this house. Love all of them the exact same.

Thanks for the replies.I will definitely try and talk him out of talking to them about it at Christmas.That may indeed cause problems.
I think both of us had not really thought through the unplanned and unwanted thing.
And agree that their reaction then should have no bearing on now.

My DD was unplanned but was a delightful surprise rather than an accident.

I too think your DH is way over-reacting to this.

Is his plan to brood until Christmas about this, really?

My fifth dc was unplanned and I cried for a lot of my pregnancy but when she was born I loved her with every fibre of my being and she is most definitely wanted.
Unplanned means very little in the grand scheme of things tbh a moment in time compared with a person's lifetime.
Are there other issues in dh's relationship with his parents? Is he perhaps latching onto this instead of addressing some other unspoken issue?

Just had a brief talk with him.He is saying he has been shocked that he was unplanned,and his issue is with feeling unwanted back then.He doesnt have an issue with feeling wanted now.
I still cant quite get my head round it.

This is such a non thing to be pissed off about, he is just looking for something to pin his past issues on I think.

I was unplanned/accident/etc.

My eldest sister never failed to let me forget!

yes insanity,he does have unspoken issues with his dad.And that is perhaps what he is doing,latching on to this.
Both him and his dad have been unable to resolve issues in the past.It has been like that since I married him years ago.They are civil but that is as good as it gets.

How funny. I just thought about this, and realised that both of my parents were unplanned. Just never really thought about it before. And of the four grandchildren they had, only one was 'planned' as such.

In doing some recent family tree research, I was actually quite surprised how common this is, even a hundred years ago. My father had a half sibling he never knew about, for example. There would be a lot fewer humans if we all only ever waited for a sensible time to have our children. It's nature's way of making sure we pass on our genes.

So, yes- in the context of feeling that you were unloved already, I can understand why your partner would be upset, in a way, but I think this is a red herring. I would suggest he sees a counsellor and/or gets some CBT.

For goodness sake your DP needs a reality check. It is only recently that the idea emerged of planning a baby with military precision. He is obviously upset about issues generally and using this as 'proof' he has been right all along.

Whether he decides to confront his parents or not, he really should try to get to the route of his resentment rather than this side show. Taking them hostage centre stage at Christmas is probably not the best idea he has ever had.

When I first read the thread title I really thought this was going to be My DH was an unplanned baby....and without that surprise I wouldn't have a husband.

He cant seem to get passed,"I wasnt wanted,their roof caved in".
Maybe time will heal it.And maybe,I am thinking as I am typing this,it is time for him to try and resolve some issues,particularly with his dad.Thanks everyone for your help and your own stories.

Good point JustFabulous.I did tell him,that if they had a baby later,it might have not been you.

I always knew I was unplanned really once I worked it out. My parents bought a dilapidated house to renovate as soon as they were married. In 1979, at the ripe old age of 33, my mum was told it might be hard for her to get pregnant. So when she was, 3 months after the wedding with a wreck of a house to live in, it came as a shock. My mum talks about wheeling the pram over planks in and out of the kitchen.
But I never felt unloved once. Your DH needs to separate the two concepts. If there are issues, unplanned is not relevant to them.

I was unplanned, my brother (16 years later!)was a bloody shock! Of my four children only one was planned..the others just happened! What on EARTH does it matter? Unplanned is NOT the same as unwanted, far from it, and I think your DH needs to a) get a grip and b) if he wants to haul a non issue over the coals.. Xmas is not the time. Or not if he wants a cheerful family gathering at least!

It sounds as if there are deeper issues that he needs to discuss:(

I disagree with posters' responses. Such empathy on this board!

If he already feels 'unwanted' by them, then this will be fuelling the fire and causing him to see it as confirmation that he was unwanted. This is obviously a feel that runs deep and needs to be discussed.

I think sweeping it under the carpet would be a bad idea. Could he not talk about it now rather than Christmas.