My DH was an unplanned baby

[Ilovetoridecamels]

My DH has recently discovered that he was an unplanned baby.
They were planning to have children,just not so soon.
He is surprisingly upset about this.Well,surprising to me .
He does not have the best of relationships with his parents,and plans to bring this up with them at Christmas,when they all have a get together.
He says they dont like him that much,and now he finds he wasnt wanted.
His parents did have another child a few years later.
I am not sure what to say to him,and not even sure there is anything to say tbh.

I agree farrowAndBollock,I think it is all fuelling the fire..The reason about Christmas is because that is the only time of year when all the family gets together.And he now says he is planning to tell the other sibling at that time,and for her to hear the truth about whether she was also unplanned ,and therefore,in his eyes "unwanted" as well.

Why would he do that? He feels shite, why would he want to make his sistr feel the same?

I think your DH might well be jumping to conclusions. His dad's words "feeling like the sky had fallen in" could be interpreted in lots of different ways. I've had many similar conversations with people who've found they're unexpectedly pregnant... yes, their world has changed for ever, but it's not something they've regretted.

I do have some sympathy with your DH, as that little gem about the sky falling in was really made to the wrong audience, and clearly there must be a mahoosive back story to this and him feeling unwanted. But it's a hideous idea for him to try and ruin Xmas by interrogating his parents about the circumstances of his and his sibling's conceptions, and if after sleep on it he still thinks that would be a wise thing to do, then I agree he could do with counselling.

Farrow - many of us have said we've got unplanned children but they're all very loved. Its just not an issue really for me.

But clearly the OP's DH has a difficult relationship with his parents and wants a big confrontation which will impact his sister too. I personally don't see the point especially if it will hurt his mother who he gets on well with.

I was unplanned, as was my younger DB. That was the reality of contraception in the late 1960s. My DM has said jokingly more than once about us only being here because of faulty condoms. But we were never unwanted. Yes we caused our parents quite a lot of upheaval and they were skint for a long time but we never, ever felt unloved or unwanted or that we were somehow held responsible for them having to change their lifestyle.

DS was unplanned. I was on the pill, took it properly, no missed or late ones. We were saving up for our wedding two years away when I discovered I was pregnant aged 19. We too had to quickly adapt and change our plans. There was no fancy wedding, all the money we had saved went into buying and furnishing a house as we were renting at the time and the landlord had a strict 'no children' policy. We thought we would have a few years of living there after we were married whilst we saved up a house deposit. Whilst DS knows he was unplanned he absolutely knows that he wasn't unwanted. He was the best thing that ever happened to us and after a very serious illness we are very, very lucky to still have him.

I think your DH needs to get clear in his mind whether he feels there is any link between unplanned and unwanted as the two are so very different. If his parents made him feel unwanted then that is one issue and a serious one but he can't assume that because they have made comments that he was unplanned and they had to perhaps deal with the shock or change their lifestyle that it must mean he was unwanted. Everyone who has an unplanned pregnancy has to make changes and come to terms with it. It's just a fact of life and not one you can take personally.

BustersOfDoom,"Whilst DS knows he was unplanned he absolutely knows that he wasnt unwanted."
I think that is the point with him.He,in his mind at least doesnt know that he wasnt unwanted.I think he must be looking for them to say he was wanted,iyswim.And for him to find that out,he is going to have to have a heart to heart with them,and not at Xmas.

Yes I think you are right. He will have to have a heart to heart with them and definitely not at Christmas. Not only because it's the wrong time but also because it is so far away and he's likely to brood upon it until then.

I could be wrong but maybe his parents - or his Dad especially - just haven't realised the effect of what they say. That they don't feel the need to go beyond about the sky falling in. That was about the shock. That they got on with it should maybe show that he was wanted? Maybe they just assume that your DH would know? And maybe his Dad has just got so used to repeating how it scared the living daylights out of him that that he hasn't actually thought about how it makes your DH feel.

Have spoken to him about this thread.He says he feels like he is "not a whole rounded person".And "1/2 of me has been taken away"
I think I will reread this thread in the morning.

I was an 'unplanned baby' in the height of a severely abusive relationship (i have ideas how I was conceived 'in marriage') and my mother left my 'dad' when I was only months old. I have never, ever felt unwanted. I grew up probably having the best relationship with my mum out of my whole family. She was my world and we were great friends. (i say that about my mum, I had nothing to do with my dad, but neither did his older children because he was a shit).

My DD was 'unplanned' in the way you say your DH was. We wanted children, we were waiting til the 'right time'. Contraception failed (emergency tooth pull) and when we found out we had DD it was like the right time had been brought forward. We were very very very pleased and excited. Immediately. Even though we were

I guess it just shows how important it is to word carefully the events of history. I am sure there is a chance that we could be flippant about it as it was something we talk about, how amazing this chance was that we almost missed (it would not have been DD as she is now, with us as we are now) but DD might not see it that way.

But. He is a grown mad and he needs to Get a Grip.

so, he is going to try and make his sibling feel like shit too ?

try and get her on the bandwagon ?

when prior to this she was fine ?

your H is a drama queen, and a shit stirrer

does the whole world revolve around him in other ways too ?

I agree with Pavlov if his problem is only about being unplanned then he sounds like a complete arse. Not a whole rounded person FFS? I guess about 50% of the population were unplanned. Or happy accidents that came as a shock and took some getting used to. But that is the nature of an unplanned pregnancy. It's a shock, you have to make changes and whilst they are sometimes difficult at the time they are worth it. Whilst I sympathise if he has concerns about being unwanted if it just boils down to being unplanned then he sounds like a melodramatic twat. Does he really think that all of us are here because Daddy said to Mummy - or vice versa - 'let's go to bed darling and conceive a child?' No, lots of us looked at the positive pregnancy test and thought 'Oh bugger!'

Tell him to read the thread about Expat's DD Aillidh and what that family is going through right now. That should put his ridiculous angst into some perspective.

Since when is unplanned and unwanted the same thing.?

You DH is behaving like a child. And bringing it up over Christmas is just ludicrous. Tis the season to me jolly not think up a crisis to ruin the festive season.

Tell him to get a grip and concentrate on making Christmas as special ad possible for his family.

Buster, that is such a brilliant point

This self-absorbed twat is yapping on about what exactly ?

While someone's small child fights for her life.

OP, show him that thread and challenge him to whine again. If he does, you actually need to leave the bastard

Thanks AF. I just can't believe someone is agonising about this. It's just so unimportant.

Yes unwanted is different, especially if you've been made to feel unwanted but jeez putting everyone through shite because you were unplanned? Not normal.

I haven't read the whole thread (its late) - my DH was unplanned and his mother used to say things like 'we could do x before we were lumbered with you'. His dad was fine, but in that day and age fathers were less involved. This sort of thing definitely has an effect - his underlying expectation is often that people will be critical for instance. I suppose in a way he's always known she didn't really want him so he's processed but he still tries to analyze it sometimes. When we had DD MIL turned into a good granny - she has said she realises she maybe didn't do things right herself.

He wouldn't ever have confronted her with it - to what end? He's learned from his own experience and so is a wonderful father. But I can understand from this why your DH is upset. Let him talk it over with you if he needs to - try to help him sort out his feelings well before xmas for sure.

I am sorry but I think your dh is using this to justify having a tantrum.
I think telling his sister at Christmas is an awful thing to di. Hopefully, if she was unplanned, she will be adult enough to not care.
I think he is being a complete drama queen and wants to hurt as many people as he can. Maybe this is one of the reasons he doesn't get on with his dad. You said earlier that he is part of the reason him and his dad don't get on.
He needs to grow up.
Yes his dad may have felt the sky feel in. I felt like that when I got pg and both were planned. Especially with ds (second child) I suddenly started think about whether I could cope with 2 and panicked a bit. I got over it and he is very much wanted. Dd was 6 when ds was born and a new baby was a massive change, doesn't mean anything about being wanted.

Disclaimer: Haven't read the thread, just the OP. This is my immediate reaction.

My DS3 was unplanned, but most certainly not unwanted or unloved. His mother could have aborted him or given him up for adoption but she didn't, which means that unless she was a total crackpot he was not unwanted. Perhaps the only reason they waitingbefore having another child was for financial/practical reasons. Nowt wrong with that.

He obviously has some deep seated issues about his parents and is looking for 'proof to validate his suspicions that they don't like him much. That is very sad, but I think he is over-reacting and reading too much into this 'unplanned baby' business. Plenty of planned babies have difficult or toxic relationships with their parents too.

I assume he would rather he wasn't born then?

My 8yo dd2 was unplanned. I had a mirena, in fact I was the only reported failure of a mirena in 2003. I was ill - really ill, air ambulanced out to a bigger hospital ill while I was pg.

But she is so loved, so wanted, so special. An amazing, lovely little girl that we wouldn't be without for one second. She completed our family that we thought was complete!

Your dh is being an arse! They kept him, didn't they? So they must have wanted him!

What a twazzock he does sound. Do you have kids?

Also plenty of people were planned babies and still don't get on with their parents.

This is more about the existing relationship, than being 'unplanned'.

My mum found out she was 'unplanned'. My Grandparents said she was wanted and born out of love. There's something kind of romantic about that I think.

Oh lorks - this guy needs to grow up and give over behaving like a teenage girl.

I can understand him questioning things. We all do that. But to plan "the big confrontation" like he is, is just melodramatic, attention seeky and childish.

It is my belief that a lot of dc1s weren't planned. Our eldest certainly wasn't - becoming parents was pretty much the last thing on our minds when ds1 decided to make himself known. He knows this...and thinks it's funny that he turned our world upside down and had me sink to the floor going 'aaaarrrrgghh' on seeing the BFP!

Whatever your dh is hoping to achieve with this, is going to fall flat. He won't get the reassurance he is looking for, largely because his parents will assume he is a grown up now and should be able to handle such revelations as such.

Oh - and the plan to drag his sister on the good ship You-Should-Feel-Like-Shit-Like-I-Do is just supremely selfish and self indulgent. He's on a hiding to nothing with this one.

Rather than create a dramatic episode of The Me Show, I think he needs to seek out counselling to help him deal with his feelings of low self esteem.

He sounds like hard bloody work OP. I hope YOU are ok. xxx

It honestly doesn't sound that bad to me and my parents hated each other, my mother got married in an Empire line dress because then you did, they divorced in my teens and when I was 21 my mother told me she never wanted a baby at all or to be a mother and if abortion had been legal in 1959 she would have had one; in fact she made an appointment with the illegal abortionist but bottled it. I don't especially respect her and I couldn't believe her attitude when I had my own children and was bowled over with love and the desire to protect and nurture them.

Your DH is over reacting but this may be because of other deep seated issues he has with family relationships. I never reacted like him, I didn't like it, but I put it behind me and still try to please my mother but never have and know I never will. It sounds to me as though your DH needs some counselling to explore what is really troubling him and to given him some techniques to deal with his feelings and keep them proportionate.