My DH was an unplanned baby

[Ilovetoridecamels]

My DH has recently discovered that he was an unplanned baby.
They were planning to have children,just not so soon.
He is surprisingly upset about this.Well,surprising to me .
He does not have the best of relationships with his parents,and plans to bring this up with them at Christmas,when they all have a get together.
He says they dont like him that much,and now he finds he wasnt wanted.
His parents did have another child a few years later.
I am not sure what to say to him,and not even sure there is anything to say tbh.

Dc1 and dc2 were unplanned. Dc1 also attended my wedding in my uterus! Two of the best non planning in my life!

What I don't get is why a parent would tell a child they were unplanned unless specifically asked by the child, no matter the age. If my elder two ask me when they are grown up I would tell them the above, not that my 'sky had fallen in'

However he does sound like a spiteful child with his Christmas plans. Sounds like some counselling could be useful to him.

I was an unplanned baby as were all my siblings. My parents obviously needed a few tips on contraception!

As a poster said unplanned is not the same as unwanted. If they didn't want him he wouldn't be here would he?

Doesn´t it depend on his childhood?

Was he loved or constantly told he wasn´t wanted?

Is how his parents reacted really that bad if it was just their initial reaction?

He sounds horrible to wait until Christmas-and to ask about his sibling?

Why husband is a much loved, planned, wanted only child-he still finds his parents difficult to get on with.

His mum has never got over the fact that he didn´t go to grammar school, & his dad thinks that because he works in an office, he gets paid to "sit on his arse all day"

Thanks for the further posts.
I dont think he will tell this stuff to his sibling,he has taken on board the bit about he feels yuk,why would you do that to your sibling.
I have managed to have a bit more of a conversation about it with him,but I think it will be the last one for a while,as he is getting a bit emotionally raw about it with more questions.
His parents are straight laced so wouldnt have had an abortion or adoption.They were married,but is mum was young and still growing up really.
These posts helped me to ask him a question that I hadnt previously thought to ask him.
I said,yes you were unplanned,but if,after their initial shock,they sort of were immediateldthen almost fine and happy about it,would that have been ok?.And he said yes.We both agreed that it probably took them maybe 6 months to come round to the idea of him,and that is what is hurting him,on top of the not very good relationship he has with especially his dad.
So at least,for me anyway,posting on here has got to the bottom of the problem.

The christmas plan is bad and bringing his sister into it in such a potentially hurtful way would be a very bad and selfish move.

But I'm amazed at the lack of empathy here.

There is obviously much more to this or else it wouldn't be affecting him so deeply. Its easy to say he's over reacting if you are coming from the position of having a happy childhood and grew up feeling loved. I too attended my parents wedding in utero, but I am in no doubt about whether or not I was wanted I know I was! So its not an issue for me.

That is not the case for everyone and of course it will affect some more than others.

Re reading another thread to get some perspective, I don't think that's fair. Just because something awful is happening to someone else doesn't mean a person is being self indulgent to be upset at something that you consider 'minor' in comparison.

Hurt is hurt this man is feeling hurt. I hope he can find a resolution for himself and the family he has now with the OP.

If he has a bad relationship with his Dad hadn't he better do something about that directly, today, man to man, rather than looking for imaginary reasons from the distant past before he was even born?

My son was unplanned but he is my psb (precious second born) now and totally loved.

It sounds more like other issues are making him overreact he sounds like he needs to talk all this through with a professional.

Even how they felt when he arrived should be taken to heart, if his parents were young what does he expect it's a shock to tge system no matter what age you are. Maybe his parents are being a bit too honest he can't take it.

How would he have felt having a baby at that age, can't he put himself in their position for one minute?

• shouldnt be taken to heart

A lot of children were unplanned. My DS3 being one of them. Doesn't mean I love him any less that the other two.

I think he is going to make a huge mistake bringing this non issue up at Christmas. Why upset everyone?

I was an unplanned baby, but I was also unwanted. I spent most of my childhood feeling like a burdon to my mam and when I was older she told me she was at one point going to abort me. She is quite the toxic parent. In context, your DH does not seem to be unloved by his parents.

yes he has problems with his dad. The OP stated at the beginging that this was at least in part because of her dh.
If he keeps doing things like this I can see why he has a difficult relationship with his dad.
His reaction to 'unplanned' was to jump to unwanted and plan a big dramatic Christmas scene in which he intended to upset his own sister and ruin the one day a year all the family get together. That to me sounds like a very difficult person.

I also question someone's motives that wants to save up a grievance for a whole six months. Suggests that he's less concerned with resolving problems than creating dramatic conflict. I can understand if someone's had a difficult relationship with their parents how the news that they were unplanned could add to the feeling that 'they never wanted me'.... but plotting a Christmas 'reveal' in the hope of causing maximum upset is not the act of a mature, balanced individual.

I get that he does not have the best relationship with his parents, but they've never told him he is unloved.

If he has a problem, it is not best to sit on it and let it fester. He should be mature enough to speak to his parents sans sibling and get it out in the open before he lets it eat him.

Haven't read the entire thread but it seems like you DH has issues with his parents and has found a reason to blame all of them on the fact he wasn't planned. He really needs to grow up. They chose to keep him, that hardly makes him unwanted!

When I was in my pre-teens, I was nosing through my mother's court documents and discovered I was the product of marital rape. I was devastated that my mum suffered like that. It also has no bearing on our relationship and we're best friends.

Seriously, he needs to get a grip.

So sorry LurkingAndLearningForNow for what happened to you mother.And so glad it has not affected you and your mums relationship.
I will encourage DH to have a reasonable talk with his parents sooner rather than later.

both DH and me were unplanned. His mum was 16 and mine was 43. I quite like it, less boring than a planned child, for the parents anyway!

What does he expect to gain from bringing it up? What does he expect his parents to do or say? It is not as if they could change anything now, could they?

He could start being a bit more mature and responsible and possibly try to use this knowledge as a starting point to try and broach the subect of his difficult relationship with his dad, in attempt to try to improve things, but planning to get all dramatic at Christmas is just really selfish.

'Unplanned' can mean many different things. Could be a happy accident, a life ruining thing for the parents or anything inbetween. I'm 8 months into an unplanned pregnancy, and was sufficiently terrified at first to decide on a termination, but now I'm thrilled.

DH needs a bit of time to get his head round this, though. He needs time for unreasonable ranting and getting it all out. If he feels shit about it he feels shit and even if he is being silly, which he might not be, he'll need a bit of time to realise that. The best thing you can do is be supportive and talk to him about how he feels. It's a good thing Christmas is 6 months away, hopefully he'll be coping better then.

I'm not a terribly secure person when it comes to my relationship with my parents, my dad in particular. I can imagine that given your DH's relationship, he's heard this 'unplanned' as a rejection of him personally.

The thing is, it isn't personal, even if it feels that way. His parents were shocked about the idea of taking care of a baby at that moment in their lives, not him as such, it was the idea of a baby . Do you see the difference?

My DH and I concieved our first baby after almost 6 years of trying. I'm not finished with the pregnancy yet (36 weeks) but we'll meet our son or daughter soon. Our baby was very much planned and wanted and we had 6 years of longing for our idea of a baby but we know very little about this individual. We know our baby is of average size and from scans, likely to be healthy, that our midwife says that the heartbeat is happy everytime she hears it (which I assume means regular and healthy) and I know about how much it squiggles inside of me at different times of the day. But I don't know our baby's gender, appearence or personality in any depth.

I guess during pregnancy, I'm adjusting from loving the idea of a baby to bonding with this baby . But I'd imagine that this process will continue when our baby is born and reveals more of his/her personality. But those years of longing, whilst I'm sure its a common romantic notion that we wanted this baby the reality is that we wanted an idea of a baby - it wasn't really personal to this baby at all.

This is really highlighted on threads about the gender of babies. Where someone is worried about having one sex or the other, many people respond that they too didn't know how they could bond with a girl/boy but that they wouldn't be without the girl/boy that they had. Its because when thinking about their family they had ideas of babies in their head that were a certain gender, but when they got to know their own girl/boy they got to know them as an individual in a personal way.

What I'm trying to say is that the personal bond parents have with their new baby isn't dependent on whether the idea of a baby was planned or unplanned, its based on how they relate to the baby as an individual - which may begin to happen in the womb, but is mainly something that develops as the baby/child develops. That is the personal bit.

I'm not saying that it is impossible for whether the idea of a baby is planned or unplanned to have an affect on how the individual real baby is treated. For instance, if they wouldn't have choosen to have a baby because of a difficult relationship or financial circumstances then it might mean that there is a bit of a strain there. I reckon though that most people do adjust their expectations for their lives either once they are pregnant or once the baby arrives and love this new person unconditionally. Perhaps others, through depression or personality flaws can't adjust and may even resent the baby for the change in circumstances.

But I don't think your DH can assume that this was true in your parents case just because he was unplanned, perhaps he has assumed this based on other aspects of his relationships with them - he knows them better than we do. However it is worth him talking to his parents about it to get a better idea of whether he has just jumped to the conclusion of 'unwanted' or if it was justified.

For what its worth... despite TTC for almost 6 years, I did have a little wobble when I actually got pregnant. The reality that I was going to have a this baby in 8/9months rather than the idea of a baby at some distant point in the future was a bit scary and I felt a weight of responsibility and unready for it all really.

(I've avoided the use of the word 'love' here in favour of longing, bonding and connecting because I am certain I love this baby already and the idea that I don't really is ridiculous and off-putting. The truth is though, that my current love is based on the potential of this baby, this child, this future adult and in order to have a great relationship with him/her, I'll have to exchange that love of potential, for love and acceptance of who he/she is becoming, because that kind of love is more personal and is the foundation of a relationship with a truely independent human being rather than my projected hopes).

Sorry for the essay, I liked some of the points that others have made about how your DH could handle his feelings of rejection more healthily, but felt you were missing the understanding that it wasn't a personal rejection to be 'unplanned' at the very least, initially.

Hope that helps :)

Even, because a baby is unplanned, it doesn't mean that the parents were shocked.

It's just that they didn't consciously want a baby at that time or were trying for it.

oh for goodness sake tell your dh to grow up! How pathetic if that is all he has to worry about!I should think half the population was unplanned but doesn't mean he has to go around with a chip on his shoulder for all these years, if anything i feel sorry for his parents!
Sorry if i sound harsh but there is enough heartbreak in the world without the need for your dh to create his own, ......when i think here on mumsnet there is at least one family in heartbreak over their dd fighting for her life, it gets life into perspective

Thank you for your very thoughtful post Spiritedwolf.
It has raised further aspects that I hadnt thought of,especially the first two paragraphs.
And I do believe his thinking is warped because of his relationship with them.
He is very much taking it personally,which as you explained,shouldnt really be the case.
I will have a talk with him again about it sometime in the not too distant future.
Congratulations on your pregnancy,and you sound like you will be great parents.

spiritedwolf what a lovely post. A bit off piste, but you will come back in a month or so and let us all know how it went and how you are finding it won't you. Please do.

With love any prayers and every good wish for the safe arrival of spiritedwolfcub. xx

My DH was unplanned. Well, his parents met and neglected to use contraception "to see what would happen" he doesn't care (and neither of them ever learned to use contraception)

My mum, OTOH, has big issues with the fact that she was unplanned. My grandad used to joke (and he did mean to joke, never mind that he ended up causing hurt with it) "We had a boy, a girl, and a mistake". The mistake being my mum, of course. She has huge problems with self esteem and this has not helped matters. So I can understand someone with pre-existing issues getting upset about such a discovery.

Spiritedwolf I really like what you've said. You've summed up how I felt. I didn't have the years of TTC but both my children were planned.

I remember feeling a bit odd during pregnancy - loved the baby I was carrying and knew I wanted to protect it etc. but was also aware that I knew nothing about it. When my son (first born) arrived I remember looking at him wondering whether there would be some sort of recognition but there wasn't. Didn't mean I didn't love him but I didn't know anything about him, just that he was my baby. It was the same with my daughter.

There were times (when particularly tired & overwhelmed) when I wished I could turn back time and there had never been a baby. I still loved the baby but wished I could have a simpler life again without the responsibility. Someone else taking the baby off my hands for a few hours would not have helped - they'd still have existed and I'd still have been responsible.

By the way, I'm thrilled with my children and they are the best thing that ever happened to me but the fact they were planned has nothing to do with it. You never really know what you're signing up to when you become a parent and I think that's still true with each child you have.

Anyway, I think I'm wandering away from the topic now. I guess what I'm saying is I agree that whether you're planned or not, nobody really plans a particular child. You may plan a baby and they don't turn out to be quite what you expected - good or bad? You may not plan a baby and they turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. The planning part is irrelevant in the end.

I was told as a teenager if terminations were easily available when I was conceived I wouldn't have been here.

Doesn't bother me in the least.