I think I need some serious advice :(

[Babylon1]

I'll try to be brief:

Tomorrow will my 6th wedding anniversary. I met my DH 12 years ago, so we didn't exactly rush into a wedding.
18 Mths after we married I had an affair. There were issues in our marriage and things that needed to change. Someone paid me attention, I thought the grass was greener - it wasn't.

The affair lasted 4 weeks, DH and I were apart for 9 weeks in total. Our dd1 was 3 at the time. He was always there for her, emotionally, financially, everything - cannot fault him there - cannot fault him at all actually - it was all me :(

We agreed to try and make it work, we moved house, we had ups and downs. I lost friends, I didn't expect anything different.

So fast forward 4 years and two more DCs later.

We finally had some relate counselling back end of last year. I thought it had made us stronger, was making things better.

Now I just don't know.

DH hasn't told me he loves me once since maybe 6-8 moths after our wedding.

I know I hurt him terribly, but most days now I feel he is just going through the motions. I can't even say for the children, for his first born yes, but I honestly don't think he loves thd other two as much :(

He had serious doubts that dd2 was his. I offered to do a DNA and he refused based on the cost :( I know there is no question out dd2s paternity, but I also tried to understand where his doubts come from.

So I'm dreading tomorrow, he won't even acknowledge it.
I'm jealous of the close and loving relationship he has with dd1 - I want done of that affection, but I get none :(

I love him so much, I'd for anything for him - but I just don't know how much fight I have left in me :(

Please don't flame me, I can't handle that tonight. I'm one step away from walking out the door and keeping going. I just want to cry.

Please advise me, will he ever forgive me for what I did or is this my life now?

Sorry wasn't that brief either.

Whats happening tomorrow? It seems like he has doubts over paternity and there are trust issues between you? Could you try more conselling and just getthe DNA testing done to alleviate his fears?

As to whether he will ever forgive you, that's his decision and only he can tell you that. I hope more counselling might help you both.

You're going to have to ask him if he has really properly forgiven you for your affair or (sorry to be so blunt) or whether the reconciliation was so that he could stay with your dd1.

I would just caution that even if you do forgive a spouse for an affair (I have, it was about 3 yrs ago) that it is very hard to forget and also that when it does come up, it is very very painful.

I would also get the paternity test regardless of cost. I am not doubting you, but it may get it home to him that the younger ones are his 100% with no doubts remaining and he might then get closer to them.

There is some sorting out to be done because you should be in a much better place 2-3 yrs after an affair.

What came of the counselling? Did he explain how he felt? Did things improve?

You sound desperately sad, and although we could all say that the affair was wrong, it was clearly done for a reason. You say he hasn't said "I love you" since 6 months after you married, 12 months before the affair. So the affair is not the reason things are tense now. More tense, yes. But it wasn't the start of all this.

Did he used to freely declare his love?

He knows dd2 is his. He'd do a DNA come what may otherwise.

I think it sounds as though he is still punishing you for the affair. You say he hasn't told you he loved you since 6 months after the wedding. You had an affair a year later? Linked perhaps?

Quite frankly I am not one to hang about if things aren't working, I don't agree that relationships should be "work". They can be trying and stressful and there may be times that your feelings ebb and flow but not "work".

You sound so unhappy and I can't imagine he is happy or your youngest two children.

Me, I'd sit him down and tell him how you feel, that you've paid your dues over the affair (and you have btw, you really, really have) and if things don't pick up then it's best to end it and mean it! IMO nothing kills the spirit and self esteem as quickly and thoroughly as being unloved and neglected by the person you are supposed to be "with".

Stop punishing yourself for the affair, 6 years as long enough.

Oh and I speak as someone who was cheated on repeatedly in my marriage.

He's never been the most forthcoming with his feelings no, but he did used to tell me he loved me a long time ago.

I don't expect him to forget, I know how much I hurt him. I don't think he has forgiven me really.

He does know all 3 DCs are his deep down, I sometimes feel this is a stick he can use to beat me with.

After the counselling, I thought things really were getting better, but this last few weeks I'm not so sure.

DD1 is 7 now, dd2 almost 3 and DS is 9 weeks.

Could it be my hormones making me more sensitive?

Nothing is actually happening tomorrow, except it is our 6th wedding anniversary. I'd like him to acknowledge it, a card would be nice - I haven't had one since our first

I am feeling sad, very sad.

I just want to be happy with my family. I understand he has trust issues, I accept why. I don't use Facebook or other social networking sites, in fact MN is thd only site I do use to chat with folk - he's ok with MN as it is mostly women here I think.

I don't go out without him, and that's my choice. The rare opportunities I get to go out, I'd rather go out with him. We get precious little time together on our own as it is.

You really do sound ever so sad :(

Look, you messed up, you know this. Have known it for years. So has he. You NEED to have a direct conversation with him, be blunt. Because he said he had forgiven you. And yes, of COURSE he's been hurt. But he hasn't forgiven you. Even if he says he has. Because his withdrawal of affection is screaming that he hasn't. And that could be understandable, for him. BUT it is unfair to keep punishing you for something that I guess, you've apologised for time and time again.

Stop apologising. Have the conversation with him. Good luck

I've had the conversation Shakey

Countless times. I've asked him to stop punishing me. I tell him it's tearing me apart - his reply to that is always the same - he knows how it feels to be torn apart

I don't want it to be over, I just want him to love me like I love him.

I know I messed up big time and if I could rewind, I would in a heartbeat.

He needs to make his mind up, either he can stay with you and move on or he can't. Neither of you can carry on like this. Has he considered going to see relate on his own?

We do have an open return to relate if we wish to go, and I'm more than happy to go back for more counselling, but am I just prolonging the inevitable?

I've asked him to go on his own fanjo, he did have some counselling for himself but that was a while back now.

Darling, please stop punishing yourself.... I'm in position to offer advice so here's
A hug

So you had an affair 10 months after the last time he told you he loved you? Why didn't he say it more often back then?

It does sound like he's using it to punish you with. If your relationship is to survive you both need to move on. Does he realise that by not moving on he is probably ending it?

You can't rewind it. This is the consequences.

However I don't think anyone has the right to punish another, forever and ever. As you'll never move on.

So maybe time to accept the damage done was too much? So he's never going to allow you to move on and be happy? You can't do this forever can you :(

I'm so sorry, Babylon. I too think you've paid your dues and your husband needs to be told, with respect, "shit or get off the pot". That's not one of my phrases but I think it fits. He should never have had subsequent children with you if he wasn't prepared to work on your marriage.

He can't keep using the affair to beat you with. You were wrong - but so was he. What sort of spouse knowingly and wittingly makes their partner feel unloved? Enough already...

I wish you strength now and love in the future - with or without your husband.

I really feel for you, you sound so sad, and yes it might be the hormones talking, but it does sound like he hasn't moved on and seems like he wont let you forget either.

I'm just a bit concerned about your comment about use of the internet 'he's ok with MN....' Is it him who doesn't allow you to use the internet and social networking sites?

Get the DNA to clear the air, then go to counselling on the understanding that if he doesn't make an effort, it would be better for you to be apart and co parent.

I can't no

This is what makes me so sad I dint want it to be over, I'll do anything to make it a happy relationship again. I just want him to love me.

I'm sorry, I'm crying. I'll come back soon.

Wow you only had a baby 9 weeks ago, your hormones will be all over the place. Please talk to him and say that you're having a wobble and you need a cuddle

I was still feeling up and down after having my last for about the first 6months . I kept worrying about allsorts and just couldn't cope with thinking about much other than day to day stuff otherwise I would just get so emotional.

If he is being distant now is not the time to be punishing you (if that's what he's doing )

Please give counsellif another go, you are both hurting and there may be a chance that you can continue together in a better way.

Why do you want to continue the relationship? Also are you really sure you do love him or is it guilt?

He has asked me not to use FB yes, I respect that. He doesn't use it either.

Its my choice to not go out (socially) without him. I have lots of girls nights etc, but they're usually at home, it's easier for me that way with DCs.