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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need some serious advice :(

119 replies

Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 20:05

I'll try to be brief:

Tomorrow will my 6th wedding anniversary. I met my DH 12 years ago, so we didn't exactly rush into a wedding.
18 Mths after we married I had an affair. There were issues in our marriage and things that needed to change. Someone paid me attention, I thought the grass was greener - it wasn't.

The affair lasted 4 weeks, DH and I were apart for 9 weeks in total. Our dd1 was 3 at the time. He was always there for her, emotionally, financially, everything - cannot fault him there - cannot fault him at all actually - it was all me :(

We agreed to try and make it work, we moved house, we had ups and downs. I lost friends, I didn't expect anything different.

So fast forward 4 years and two more DCs later.

We finally had some relate counselling back end of last year. I thought it had made us stronger, was making things better.

Now I just don't know.

DH hasn't told me he loves me once since maybe 6-8 moths after our wedding.

I know I hurt him terribly, but most days now I feel he is just going through the motions. I can't even say for the children, for his first born yes, but I honestly don't think he loves thd other two as much :(

He had serious doubts that dd2 was his. I offered to do a DNA and he refused based on the cost :( I know there is no question out dd2s paternity, but I also tried to understand where his doubts come from.

So I'm dreading tomorrow, he won't even acknowledge it.
I'm jealous of the close and loving relationship he has with dd1 - I want done of that affection, but I get none :(

I love him so much, I'd for anything for him - but I just don't know how much fight I have left in me :(

Please don't flame me, I can't handle that tonight. I'm one step away from walking out the door and keeping going. I just want to cry.

Please advise me, will he ever forgive me for what I did or is this my life now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 20:54

I want to continue this relationship because I love him so deeply. He is my best friend. I go feel guilty for hurting him yes, but I absolutely love him to the moon and back.

OP posts:
Offred · 28/06/2012 20:56

I don't understand how you can have feelings like that for someone who is being so deliberately cold and cruel to you though. Are you absolutely sure it's not that you feel you owe it to him?

Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 20:58

This isn't really relevant but none of our children were planned.

Dd1 was conceived on the pill

Dd2 on the depo injection

Ds1 got past a mirena coil.

I know he loves all of his DCs but he has a special bond with dd1.

He was shocked, we both were, on finding I was pregnant with DS. We had all but decided two DCs were enough.

Doesn't mean any of them are unwanted or unloved, was just a shock Sad

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 28/06/2012 20:58

Well, hopefully all is not lost, but you need the strength to communicate with him about his innermost feelings, counselling might help you do that. He might be hurting very deeply and not dealing with the last well. I know my dp would find it extremely hard to move on after that situation, as I would, especially when you love your partner, dcs and your life together.

Offred · 28/06/2012 20:58

And I've always been of the belief that if someone is asking you not to xyz because they don't trust you then the relationship is over. Especially nearly six years on.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 20:59

Absolutely certain offred

Pure and simple, he rocks my world.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 28/06/2012 21:00

You need to talk to him... Only he can tell you if you are wasting your life with him and if his heart is really in it.

Tangointhenight · 28/06/2012 21:00

I'm.so so.sorry to hear this, what an awful way to be feeling just after the birth of a lovely ds.

To he honest if my DH wasn't loving I couldn't stay with him...what changed all those years ago that led you into an affair?

When you're older and looking back on lift, don't let it be filled with regrets, we only get one chance at happiness so do what you can to be happy, even if it means walking away.

Offred · 28/06/2012 21:01

What about him do you love? Because you are painting a picture of a man who is abusing and punishing you and two of his children and had maintained it for nearly is years.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 21:01

The FB thing isn't an issue for me, I hate FB. IMO it's a mechanism for stirring and not a lot else, but that's a whole other thread!

OP posts:
Offred · 28/06/2012 21:01

A man who deliberately hurts and punishes you, controls what you do, cuts you off from the world either directly or indirectly and is still happy to have sex with you.

Tangointhenight · 28/06/2012 21:02

*looking back on life

Offred · 28/06/2012 21:03

Whether you like fb or not is not the issue. Spouses are not meant to express an opinion about whether their OH should be allowed to use it or not.

Leverette · 28/06/2012 21:05

This reply has been deleted

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Charliefox · 28/06/2012 21:05

Do you mind me asking whether you're sleeping together or is that part of your life suffering too?

Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 21:10

Ok when it's good, it's bloody brilliant.

He's supportive, he can be loving, physically and emotionally - he just doesn't say those three words to me.

He's a brilliant, and I mean bloody fantastic, father to all of the DCs. It's just I feel he favours dd1 at times, and I've told him this.

We can and do laugh together, we do have fun and we enjoy each others company.

But every time we have a row or a crossed word, it always comes back to me having had an affair. He says I try to point score all the time, constantly pointing out everything I do/buy for him.

He says I nag him and back him into a corner with my constant criticism, so much so that he feels he has to come out fighting. These are all the things we discussed at counselling.

OP posts:
Leverette · 28/06/2012 21:12

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tribpot · 28/06/2012 21:14

It sounds like on some level he's enjoying hurting you. Is FB in any way related to the circumstances surrounding your affair? Why couldn't you use it if you wanted to provided there was full transparency? Are you sure it's your choice only to socialise at home? Does he / do you think that only by living a life without contact with men you will never have another affair? If that's true, you might as well call it quits now.

Perhaps you did wreck your marriage for good when you had an affair. I don't think you expect any sympathy for that. But he had a choice to end it, or forgive you and move on. It sounds like he chose to do neither.

Questioning your dd2's paternity, except in the first moments of hurt and anger, sounds like a calculated act of cruelty. If he can't get past what you did - fine, that's up to him. What he's doing to you now is disrespectful of you as a human being - and especially one who genuinely and deeply regrets the mistake she made.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 28/06/2012 21:15

Do you feel closer when you make love?

I am just wondering how he can't tell you he loves you but is happy enough to jump into bed with you :(

CakeBump · 28/06/2012 21:16

You had a baby 9 weeks ago - are you sure you're not suffering from pnd or that this is all coming to the fore because your hormones are all over the place?

Now doesn't seem the time for big life changing decisions...

Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 21:23

Just typed a big reply and lost it Sad

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 28/06/2012 21:24

Agree with cakebump, now may not be the best time to tackle this longstanding issue.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 21:27

He's a good man, the best in fact.

I think I know he loves me, he just doesn't tell me.

He's a brilliant father to all our DCs, I feel he favours dd1 at times and he knows this.

It is my choice to socialise at home, it really is easier for me that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 21:28

I'm sorry I've not answers everyone, phone is playing up I think Sad

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 28/06/2012 21:30

Get the DNA done, he might be fearing the worst and so avoiding it. It's in your children's best interest.

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