I think I need some serious advice :(

[Babylon1]

I'll try to be brief:

Tomorrow will my 6th wedding anniversary. I met my DH 12 years ago, so we didn't exactly rush into a wedding.
18 Mths after we married I had an affair. There were issues in our marriage and things that needed to change. Someone paid me attention, I thought the grass was greener - it wasn't.

The affair lasted 4 weeks, DH and I were apart for 9 weeks in total. Our dd1 was 3 at the time. He was always there for her, emotionally, financially, everything - cannot fault him there - cannot fault him at all actually - it was all me :(

We agreed to try and make it work, we moved house, we had ups and downs. I lost friends, I didn't expect anything different.

So fast forward 4 years and two more DCs later.

We finally had some relate counselling back end of last year. I thought it had made us stronger, was making things better.

Now I just don't know.

DH hasn't told me he loves me once since maybe 6-8 moths after our wedding.

I know I hurt him terribly, but most days now I feel he is just going through the motions. I can't even say for the children, for his first born yes, but I honestly don't think he loves thd other two as much :(

He had serious doubts that dd2 was his. I offered to do a DNA and he refused based on the cost :( I know there is no question out dd2s paternity, but I also tried to understand where his doubts come from.

So I'm dreading tomorrow, he won't even acknowledge it.
I'm jealous of the close and loving relationship he has with dd1 - I want done of that affection, but I get none :(

I love him so much, I'd for anything for him - but I just don't know how much fight I have left in me :(

Please don't flame me, I can't handle that tonight. I'm one step away from walking out the door and keeping going. I just want to cry.

Please advise me, will he ever forgive me for what I did or is this my life now?

Harecare, I'd do all that and more for him. He probably hasn't even remembered what day tomorrow is! FFS it takes him all his time to remember my birthday, and that couldn't be easier as it's Christmas day!!

Am I setting him an impossible task?

www.amazon.co.uk/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/014027782X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1340917464&sr=1-1
This book will really help you as it sounds like you are both having trouble discussing anything without it going in circles to the past.
Asking "do you love me" might seem a simple thing to do, but to him it might sound as if you are spoiling for a fight. He may wonder why you need to ask at all as to him it is obvious that he does.

Thank you

You are setting him up to fail. Give him the opportunity to be loving without it being a confrontation. Set the day up so it's clear to him what you plan to happen.

He sounds like a total wanker to me: self-righteous, self-pitying and gets his jollies from making you miserable. I bet he was being a sod to you before you had the affair as well.

Because, yeah yeah waa waa it's not nice to be cheated on, but someone who can use it as an excuse to make the cheating partner's life hell for years is someone who probably deserved to be cheated on in the first place. Decent people either work their way through to forgiveness, or they leave the relationship.'You had an affair' is not a justification to treat someone like shit ever afterwards.

I don't want to set him up to fail, I don't want him to fail

Oh hell I just love him so much I just want to feel happy.

You're welcome!
Here's the other book:
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Stay-Together-Forever-Relationship/dp/0091887593/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1340919511&sr=8-1
You can read a bit of it online - about communication, which we're rubbish at, but improving!

He's not a wanker solidgold, really he's not.

Can you tell us what led you to have the affair? We know he hadn't told you he loved you for a year or so. Had you been telling him? If not, why not and if so, how did you feel when he didn't respond?

What led him to stop saying it, can you remember?

Ordered them both, they'll be here on Saturday.

Come on eclectic, I'm not treating it like an episode of columbo FGS. It was the choice of words. Perhaps the choice of words was inappropriate but given everything else it wasn't unreasonable to question it and I didn't say "he must have assaulted her" I said I wouldn't be too sure he didnt that's all.

What led to the affair.....

We stopped communicating with each other.

He was under pressure at work

I was under pressure at work and home - we both worked full time then but I also did the lions share of childcare when DD wasn't at nursery as well as cooking cleaning washing etc.

It got to the stage where I felt more like his mother than his wife.

We had to sell our house and move to rented.

We lost a lot of money in negative equity

We didn't like the house/area we moved to but it was what we could afford

We didn't make time for each other

We each blamed the other for too much stuff, we didn't take responsibility for our own actions

I thought the grass was greener, when it really really wasn't

See I agree with SGB

If a woman posted on here and told your story from the opposite viewpoint - in that her DH had an affair 6 years ago, she was still angry, she couldn't show him affection or intimacy, she'd banned him from FB, he pratically wasn't allowed out to socialise etc etc then I'm pretty sure we would all tell her to either seek relationship counselling or walk away.

You absolutely cannot re-build a relationship after an affair without both parties working together. The guilty party being very, very sorry for the next 30 years whilst the innocent party acts like a wounded deer and sulks at will isn't going to mend anything.

Another couple of years of this OP and you will end up hating him. And don't imagine for a moment that your DC won't pick up on what's going on. They will. Spare them.

And yes, right now so soon after having a baby may mean you are not rational emotionally speaking but it may also mean you are seeing things clearly without the usual covering up of everyday life.

I still don't think a brilliant father favours one child in treatment over the others. That is terrible parenting and really damaging for all involved and this needs more exploration. Is it just that she is older?

I also don't think a wonderful man punishes his wife for many years for having an affair when he has taken her back, had two more children and is happy to sleep with her. I think this needs more exploration because it may be the guilt in your mind that is making you think this.

If either or both is the objective reality I would say there is no real hope for the relationship.

And I'm not sure those reasons are reasons for the affair either. Those are the reasons why your relationship was not working then. Also the "grass was greener"? If that was true surely you would have left and then started a new relationship. Would it not be more true to say that the affair was more to do with you and yourself rather than the relationship with your husband? Obviously you as a person are influenced by your relationship but plenty of people go through the things you describe and don't have affairs.

Might it be you wanted to keep the family but also wanted something exciting and private or just for you as an adult?

I wanted attention, to be noticed, to be someone other than just dd1s mummy.

I wanted someone to notice when I'd had my hair done or bought new clothes - DH didn't notice. OM did

And yes, excitement, though I'd have happily chosen excitement with DH if it had been available

That is not unforgivable and you need to stop feeling so bad about it. You made a mistake. You can't be punished for it forever.

i agree with solidgoldbrass

he doesn't say he loves you now but sounds like he didn't before the affair... i'd be asking does he actually love you...harsh as it sounds it doesnt sound like he does...

the fact you are seeing him favour one child over the others they will pick up on that

You are just screaming out for attention and he's ignoring you.

I'm not someone who would just give up without a fight, but it seems like he's punishing you and will continue to do so for as long as you let him.

Stand up for yourself. Ask him what he wants then tell him what you want. Or else tell him what you want first - what exactly do you want?

You cant spend the rest of your life being punished for this, but it sounds like that is what he is doing to you.

What happens when the kids have all flown the nest and it is just the two of you?

Your relationship sounds very one sided, and he sounds controlling and cold.

Ok to answer a few.....

DD1 is older than her sister and brother by 5 and 7 years respectively. DH does more with her because she can do more IYSWIM.

I wouldn't say DH was controlling or cold towards me, but he could certainly he more affectionate - as I suppose I could with him

What do I want?

I want him to be happy with me.

I want to feel like I'm not being punished every time we row for something I regret so much.

I want him to trust me and I want him to tell me he loves me.

But you are only living half a life the way it is a the moment. Desperate for him to drop a few crumbs of affection towards you, and staying in, because that keeps him happy.

You cannot make him feel what he doesnt feel, and from the sounds of it you have tried very hard. Many people would have walked long before now rather than put up with the cold shoulder and lack of affection.

You need to work out whether that feeling is coming from you or from him. Are you paranoid because you still feel guilty or is he actually punishing you and not trusting you?

Is the way he treats dd1 a problem to you?