I think I need some serious advice :(

[Babylon1]

I'll try to be brief:

Tomorrow will my 6th wedding anniversary. I met my DH 12 years ago, so we didn't exactly rush into a wedding.
18 Mths after we married I had an affair. There were issues in our marriage and things that needed to change. Someone paid me attention, I thought the grass was greener - it wasn't.

The affair lasted 4 weeks, DH and I were apart for 9 weeks in total. Our dd1 was 3 at the time. He was always there for her, emotionally, financially, everything - cannot fault him there - cannot fault him at all actually - it was all me :(

We agreed to try and make it work, we moved house, we had ups and downs. I lost friends, I didn't expect anything different.

So fast forward 4 years and two more DCs later.

We finally had some relate counselling back end of last year. I thought it had made us stronger, was making things better.

Now I just don't know.

DH hasn't told me he loves me once since maybe 6-8 moths after our wedding.

I know I hurt him terribly, but most days now I feel he is just going through the motions. I can't even say for the children, for his first born yes, but I honestly don't think he loves thd other two as much :(

He had serious doubts that dd2 was his. I offered to do a DNA and he refused based on the cost :( I know there is no question out dd2s paternity, but I also tried to understand where his doubts come from.

So I'm dreading tomorrow, he won't even acknowledge it.
I'm jealous of the close and loving relationship he has with dd1 - I want done of that affection, but I get none :(

I love him so much, I'd for anything for him - but I just don't know how much fight I have left in me :(

Please don't flame me, I can't handle that tonight. I'm one step away from walking out the door and keeping going. I just want to cry.

Please advise me, will he ever forgive me for what I did or is this my life now?

Well I've been awake most of the night just pondering.

I'm tired but kids are on inset today so must keep going - we're going to see the Olympic torch later.

I'm no clearer really, not in a frame of mind to be making big decisions right now.

Thanks all for being there for me last night

So I'm sat here crying again :(

He didn't even acknowledge our wedding anniversary this morning :( No card, no "happy anniversary" nada :(

He's gone off to work and I've done what I didn't want to do and I've text him to ask him if he is just choosing to ignore what today is, or if he genuinely didn't remember.

He replied to apologise for not remembering, and said what with work and everything , which is fine. He's asked if i'd like to go out for a meal tonight. I've told him I don't not really, just a simple "happy wedding anniversary" will suffice.

I've also asked him directly if he still loves me. I can't ask him to his face, I'm scared the answer isn't what I want it to be and I will fall apart (more so than I am already). He hasn't replied yet.

At least in a text he can be honest without the guilt of seeing me upset, and I can take the time to prepare what will need to happen next.

Happy Anniversary

Why not agree to go out for a meal together tonight if you can get a babysitter at short notice? Maybe the suggestion of going out is his way of saying sorry for forgetting, and 'I love you' at the same time.

Perhaps you need to make some time for yourselves as a couple, rather than just being parents all the time.

Take care and good luck.

God, I just feel so, so sorry for you, Babylon. As I said in my first post, the affair seems to have become the focal point of your problems, when really, problems started way before the affair. He's not happy in the relationship I believe) and is punishing you ENDLESSLY for the affair (which no one is disputing was wrong) as a reason for his unhappiness.

No one seems to be focussing on the fact that something was wrong before the affair happened. No one should go through married life feeling unloved. :(

I hope he replies honestly, and I hope that whatever he says gives you both the strength to do the right thing either way.

And happy anniversary. I hope by the end of today you have a smile on your face. Xx

Sweetheart you are with a cold fish. He will NEVER be any different and bending over backwards to try to make you BOTH happy is not going to happen.

Sounds like you entered into an affair due to the above.

He will not change darling and it's up to you to decide if this is going to be enough.

Anybody can change.
He offered you an olive branch and you turned it down.
Why would he ask you out if he didn't want to go?
Stop expecting the worst from him or that is all you'll get.
You have stated that you want the relationship to continue. Focus on that. Calm down.
You have a problem in your relationship that you have both contributed to. Stay strong. Try to stop focussing on him as the root of your happiness. What else makes you happy?

I do hope you went out tonight and are having a lovely time.

My DP actually told me outright to my face that he didn't love me! Of course he does and did, just not at that particular point in time when I pushed him. Now that I've stopped pushing him and am looking at his positive actions and changing my negative behaviour things are looking up.
Speak to a trusted friend or your Mum. Someone who knows you both and cares for you both. It is too easy for people to simply state that he won't change and leave him, but we are all only human and we can learn how to behave better in relationships. It's not as if it's something we get taught at school and if our parents didn't show us the best example how can we expect to be perfect?
Good luck!

Olive branch?

Better behaviour?

Some of us can and some of us can't.

I personally would rather not try to knock myself out trying to make him change.

We didn't go out. He didn't answer my question. We're pretending everything is fine and I'm slowly dying on the inside

As sad ad it sounds, I'd rather live a half life with him than not be with him at all. I love him dearly and I cannot imagine being happy anywhere else. I have to accept hd cannot tell me he loves me. Maybe because he doesn't, maybe because he's frightened of being hurt again

I just know that I feel very very low right now

Not telling you he loves you is one thing. Throwing your affair back at you in every single argument is another. It means ultimately you will be so defeated you don't argue about anything because, whatever it is, he will play the affair card and you will lose.

You will have to live half a life with yourself, as well as with him. It will be very, very hard to get your brain to accept this. And if he then found someone else and moved on, where does that leave you?

Clearly it's nothing you need to decide right away. You have a very small baby, you are in no physical danger from him. You can bide your time, build up your strength. And perhaps at some point be completely honest with him about your feelings - and your willingness to stay with him at any cost. A good man would see what a huge (and terrible) offer that was. A bad one would exploit it. But at least you will have your answer.

Small steps - take care of you in the first instance. Tomorrow is another day.

What about going to counselling again and seeing if that helps... If not, cut your losses IMO.

Actions sometimes speak louder than words. Sorry to be harsh, but he's still with you despite you having an affair and showing violence towards him. You confronted him about your anniversary and he apologised and offered a meal out. Those aren't the actions of someone who doesn't care. If he didn't care he would have run for the hills by now.

Tbh, I can see why he wouldn't want to say 'I love you' in those circumstances. It's one thing to feel these emotions; it's quite something else to make yourself vulnerable by saying them out loud, especially to someone who has hurt you before.

And I say this as someone who was very open about loving DP very shortly after meeting him. He didn't say it back for a long time after, but that didn't matter, I could see from his actions that he cared and that was enough for me. He'd been hurt in the past (by his previous partner) and so was protecting himself by not admitting to himself that he loved me. When he did finally say he loved me it meant so much because I knew he really meant it and had accepted within himself that he could lay himself open to possibility being hurt again.

I would take the pressure off for a while. Say I love you, so he knows you still care, but stop looking for it in return. Look for the love in his actions instead, even small gestures, such as making someone a cup of tea without being asked, show care and affection. Make it clear that you appreciate what he does do and hopefully he will do more of the same.

I agree savemefromrickets
When I said "we can learn to behave better in relationships" I was meaning both of you. I know how hard it is when you feel hard done by, needing affection and caring for 3 children including a newborn.
You'd be amazed how empowering it is to admit what your contribution to poor communication is - having circular arguments referring to a past hurt- change your own behaviour and see that you communicate better - he doesn't bring up the affair.
It's not about avoiding arguments, it's about avoiding blame and looking for understanding.

Thanks all

There's a lot of work to be done here still, but day by day huh. I'm not ready to admit it may all be over, so until then I've got to just get on with it and hope we can improve things.

OP, I think you are not helping this unpleasant situation.

If the only or main problem in your mind is that he doesnt say I love you then i think you are being a little childish, you are not 14 after all. There is much more to a good marriage than hearing I love you.

For example, so wjhat if he didnt remember your anniversary? Why does that matter to you? Doesnt mean a jot to me.

And most of all, he's forgotten or not into celebrating anniversaries, but because you seemed disappointed he offered to take you out for a meal and you said no. Why? This I think is an example of you playing point scoring, he made a "mistake" by not getting you a card, so you respond by turning down his invitation to dinner.

Even if you think he just offered to "keep you happy", you should have accepted graciously - because you are complaining that he doesnt care about you, but he cares enough to offer to take you to dinner because he thinks it will make you happy?

I think more couples counselling is needed, because I cant tell from this whether he really is disengaged due to the affair, or whether you are just having marital miscommunication

I agree with much of what you have said Giraffe. I think we do have a lot of marital miscommunication and yes it was churlish of me to refuse a dinner invitation.

We've talked a lot over the last couple of days, shouted a bit, cried a bit, hugged each other etc

We're just taking it one day at a time.