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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need some serious advice :(

119 replies

Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 20:05

I'll try to be brief:

Tomorrow will my 6th wedding anniversary. I met my DH 12 years ago, so we didn't exactly rush into a wedding.
18 Mths after we married I had an affair. There were issues in our marriage and things that needed to change. Someone paid me attention, I thought the grass was greener - it wasn't.

The affair lasted 4 weeks, DH and I were apart for 9 weeks in total. Our dd1 was 3 at the time. He was always there for her, emotionally, financially, everything - cannot fault him there - cannot fault him at all actually - it was all me :(

We agreed to try and make it work, we moved house, we had ups and downs. I lost friends, I didn't expect anything different.

So fast forward 4 years and two more DCs later.

We finally had some relate counselling back end of last year. I thought it had made us stronger, was making things better.

Now I just don't know.

DH hasn't told me he loves me once since maybe 6-8 moths after our wedding.

I know I hurt him terribly, but most days now I feel he is just going through the motions. I can't even say for the children, for his first born yes, but I honestly don't think he loves thd other two as much :(

He had serious doubts that dd2 was his. I offered to do a DNA and he refused based on the cost :( I know there is no question out dd2s paternity, but I also tried to understand where his doubts come from.

So I'm dreading tomorrow, he won't even acknowledge it.
I'm jealous of the close and loving relationship he has with dd1 - I want done of that affection, but I get none :(

I love him so much, I'd for anything for him - but I just don't know how much fight I have left in me :(

Please don't flame me, I can't handle that tonight. I'm one step away from walking out the door and keeping going. I just want to cry.

Please advise me, will he ever forgive me for what I did or is this my life now?

OP posts:
BustersOfDoom · 28/06/2012 21:32

You are living half a life and are still being punished on a daily basis years after the event. You say he's your best friend but if my best friend treated me like he treats you I'd have cut them off a long time ago.

Yes you were wrong to have an affair but in moving on from that and trying to make your marriage work there cannot be continuing punishment - for years - and witholding of affection. It has to be a joint effort, not one half of the partnership continuing to metaphorically beat the other one up whilst the 'guilty' party begs for forgiveness for the rest of their life.

He either wants to be with you or he doesn't. If I were your DM or your BF I would tell you to sit him down and tell him that his attitude has to change. He either makes an effort to have a relationship again and to deal with the issues in a sensible way or you walk away. Life is far too short to spend what should be happy years with a young family constantly apologising, walking on eggshells and being desperate for the smallest gesture of affection from a man who is enjoying punishing you far too much than to actually work towards sorting out your problems.

And I know you had the affair but quite franky my view is - leave the bastard! You will never, ever be able to make it up to him as much as he thinks you should. He's set you an impossible target I think and he knows it.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 21:35

I fear you may be right busters but I so want you to be wrong Sad

I feel very very sad and lonely right now Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 21:38

I've been sitting up in our room for 3 and a half hours now with DS after we had a row at tea time. DDs are both sleeping, as us DS and I feel so lonely. I just want a hug from him and to know we'll be ok.

He hasn't even been up to see the girls tonight, let alone me or DS Sad
That's unusual for him Sad

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/06/2012 21:38

There's something I really don't like about this.

Have you asked him whether he loves you?

What does he say when you say he's closer to your first child (presumably born pre-affair?) to the other two?

Before you had the affair, would you have said he was the sort of person to bear a grudge?

What's his relationship with his family like?

ImperialBlether · 28/06/2012 21:39

Oh I meant to say, I think sometimes when someone is such a 'good parent' it's a message to the other parent that they are capable of loving someone who is lovable.

ImperialBlether · 28/06/2012 21:42

What was your row about tonight?

sparkle12mar08 · 28/06/2012 21:43

If you asked him point blank "Do you love me?" what would he say? Because there's only one answer that will save your marriage and that's "Yes I love you" Anything else means it's over. And you already know that. "Of course I do", "You know I do", and even just "Yes" are not enough. Ask him straight out "Say 'I love you' to me or this marriage is over" and watch his face very closely. You'll have your answer before he even opens his mouth.

BustersOfDoom · 28/06/2012 21:45

I hope I'm wrong too. I just don't want you to waste years trying to please someone who will never be satisfied and I don't think he will. Try talking to him and then perhaps weigh up what the next ten or twenty years will be like with no change and ask yourself if it will be worth it.

And of course if you take charge and decide you will no longer tolerate the situation and end it - if he wants you, really, really wants you and wants to make a go of things - then he will do everything he can to work things through and sort things out.

And don't feel sad and lonely, there's lots of us here listening and trying to help.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 21:46

I have asked him if he loves me. He me era gives me a direct answer.

He says his relationship with dd1 is just different but he loves them all the same.

He does bear grudges yes. If he feels hard done by, he won't let it go. This is also something we discussed at counselling.

His family relationship is ok ish. He doesn't really have a close relationship with them, but when he's with them he's ok. Doesn't speak to his eldest sister much as he has never forgiven her for calling the police when they were teenagers and accusing him of assault Sad. He didn't assault her BTW, she is an absolute drama queen Sad

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 28/06/2012 21:47

Op has just had a baby... Maybe now is not the time to goad her into action.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 21:51

Sparkle, I'm too scared to ask directly now Sad scared of what the answer will be.

Tonight's row was about us both being knackered after a long night up with all 3 DCs last night.

I did snap at him, I'm tired, I've been on my own all day with 3 fractious children.

Tbh it wasn't even really a row, but he's mad with me I can tell by fact he hasn't been upstairs Sad

OP posts:
sparkle12mar08 · 28/06/2012 21:52

Did you mean he never gives you a direct answer? If so then he has actually, in a way. He doesn't love you. Therefore it's now a very stark question. Can you live the rest of your life with someone who doesn't love you? RTeally. The next 40-50 years of your life in a loveless marriage?

sparkle12mar08 · 28/06/2012 21:55

Cross posts, but I'm so, so sorry. He doesn't love you anymore. Whether that started before or after your affair is not the issue, he doesn't love you now and that's what you need to address. Lack of love will almost certainly turn to animosity and hatred eventually.

Offred · 28/06/2012 21:57

A brilliant father does not favour one child over the others because their mother had an affair years before they were born.

Offred · 28/06/2012 22:00

And I wouldnt be too sure he didn't really assault his sister either. People don't generally call the police and accuse their brother of assault for no reason. When you say she is a drama queen is that because he thinks what he did do to her shouldn't be classed as assault? It is just interesting you said drama queen rather than liar?

Offred · 28/06/2012 22:01

Did you not ask in counselling whether he loved you?! It seems to be fundamental to you, what did you discuss in counselling?

Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 22:03

Oh god Sad

I'm not ready for that Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 22:04

DD and DS just woke up Sad
Will come back soon.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 28/06/2012 22:05

"Add message | Report | Message poster Offred Thu 28-Jun-12 22:00:05
And I wouldnt be too sure he didn't really assault his sister either. People don't generally call the police and accuse their brother of assault for no reason. When you say she is a drama queen is that because he thinks what he did do to her shouldn't be classed as assault? It is just interesting you said drama queen rather than liar?"

That's harsh based on the little info given.

Harecare · 28/06/2012 22:10

I have a nearly 8 week baby and have been having troubles with DP which we're getting through now - no affairs, just couldn't forgive me for being pregnant (!).

My hormones are still a bit up in the air. Even though DP is making more time for me, cooking most nights (never used to), getting home to help put DDs to bed (didn't used to), we've been out for a curry recently and we're going out on Saturday (only went out together once in the whole 9 months of pregnancy) I still feel like I need him to declare undying love for me to be happy. He is being affectionate and asking me about my day (didn't used to) and basically showing me he loves me, just not saying it and it is driving me wild! So it's possible that you would feel the way you do even if he was being more affectionate.

I'm reading 2 books that may help you, one is called "Difficult conversations" by Bruce Patton the other is called "how to stay together forever" by Julia Cole

How do you want to spend tomorrow? Do you show/tell him that you love him? Have you bought him a nice present/card? I'm guessing you might want to have a nice romantic evening with him ending with affection of some kind. So how about you give him a card in the morning inviting him for a candlelit dinner for 2 in your dining room/kitchen? That'll set him up for the day so that he knows he's going to have a nice evening and he is reminded to get you a card/present if he hasn't already. Then you can make sure the kids are in bed early (fingers crossed your baby isn't being like mine tonight!) and make a lovely dinner. Enjoy the meal, flirt a bit, be yourself and you'll probably have just the evening you're hoping for.

If you spend the day moping and waiting for him to be nice to you you'll be disappointed - he might be doing the exact same thing!

He's stayed with you for 12 years, married you, forgiven you for an affair and given you 3 children. Of course he loves you, he's just having trouble expressing it.

Offred · 28/06/2012 22:13

Well why the choice of drama queen implying blown out of reasonable proportion rather than liar or lied? Assault is fairly clear either it happened or it didn't. There isn't any such thing as being a drama queen about assault there is assault, serious assault or no assault. So it might be dramatic to behave as though an assault was a serious assault but it is just a lie to say no assault was an assault IYSWIM.

Harecare · 28/06/2012 22:14

Cross posted by miles there and missed the last 2 pages and the row!

EclecticShock · 28/06/2012 22:16

"Well why the choice of drama queen implying blown out of reasonable proportion rather than liar or lied? Assault is fairly clear either it happened or it didn't. There isn't any such thing as being a drama queen about assault there is assault, serious assault or no assault. So it might be dramatic to behave as though an assault was a serious assault but it is just a lie to say no assault was an assault IYSWIM."

IMO, it seems like clutching at straws to make her dp the bad guy... Op has enough to deal with, without wild damaging speculation.

EclecticShock · 28/06/2012 22:17

This isn't an episode of columbo, it's ops life which is tough right now and needs support.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 28/06/2012 22:23

DH did not assault her, categorically. She has admitted she wasted police time and she lied. She's done it to both her brothers now. She's an attention seeker and we mostly ignore her.

DH doesn't have a violent bone in his body. Any violence in our relationship has been from me. I've kicked him, hit him and thrown things at him, though not for a very long time. I had anger issues before we married. I had counselling, we dealt with it.

OP posts: