3am - dilemma - no idea WHAT t think

[Dontknowwhatithink]

Husband out tonight/last night at a "networking" thing with a client.

I last spoke to him early evening when he said he had been having communication problems with his phone all day (02 blackberry). He said there is a casino next to the hotel where they had meeting and that it looks like they would be going in to that ... And that he would be late. I joked saying that he'd need to not get carried away and to stick to a budget ...

So now at 2.45 am I wake and husband not home.

I check phone - email from him at just before midnight saying he was still having communication probs with phone - that clients are going onto "another" late night casino and that he was going with them. That client has an apartment nearby and he will crash there as he has an eat meeting with them in the morning.

Small backstory here in that my husband has tattoos - something he has always regretted and been very conscious of at golfing days etc when even in high summer he has ensured his tarts are covered up at all times so as not to give the wrong impression ....

To be honest I just don't know what to think - at this time in the morning it's easy to convince myself of any scenario!

I just don't know how to play things in the morning ....

Op this happened to me like many others on here. All I want to say is that you will be fine. It pans out and you do what you have to do and plan things and organise stuff and then you emerge into a new worry free quiet life wher you are in charge of your and your childs destiny.

I thought i would die of a broken heart.

I didnt!

My 4 children are fine and all doing well.

I wanted to kille them both.

I didnt. I remained diginfied and gorgeous

I am so glad I did,its such a lovely feeling to know you remained in control and didnt give the fuckers the satisfaction of freaking.

You can do this. I promise.

Omg. I want to slap him!

Can you go and stay at a relatives / friends house for a night or two? Just to get away?

Just read your thread OP. I am so sorry that you had a night like last night.

Keep your counsel for a few more days, get your financial bits printed out, clear your history on PC if you know how. And get some cash stashed, you will need it. If you dont have family/friends you feel can hold it for you. An old handbag will do for now.

:( Dontknow I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Does your last post mean you have found something else?

Mono haven't found anything else - other than the blatant matter of fact attitude of husband on getting home.

But I mentioned I was short of money for something that he knows is important to me and he immediately pipes in that hell give me the money for it !!!!! Guilty complex - ah well if it appeases him I might as well play along. No?

I would be telling him about something wonderful that would make you so happy and would he mind giving you the money for it......

OP so sorry this is happening :(

One thing though - i've been thinking it since reading the beginning of your thread this morning - if i found an email from my DH saying

"Hello darling.
Flowers sent.
Present sent.
Surprise visit."

I would have to confront him with it. Only you know your H well, but honestly how would he explain that away? Who the heck is he calling darling?? What surprise visit?? I know he's working in the city, networking, etc, but is this the way he usually addresses people? I dont think he has a leg to stand on.

I understand the MN advise usually runs along the lines of 'pretend everything's ok and gather info'. But in this case i'm thinking: what about getting bloody cross with him? Ask him what on earth this email is all about.

Is he really likely to start leaving you stranded with out any money?

Sorry, i had to get that off my chest. Sorry if i'm all wrong.

The thing is, if you try and argue it straight away, he has time to hide evidence, change the story, pretend it was just EA......its much much harder to get yourself time to focus on what has happened , because either it will be turned back onto yourself, or the begging will begin. By getting all the information, lets say he just turns, walks out , takes everything - its harder to organise any information financially. Having said that - maybe changing the locks tonight, or even better packing all his stuff up in a taxi and sending it to the OWs house is the way to go....God what a difficult situation for you OP , is there any RL help you can get ???

thinking of you - hope you are ok x

I do agree that packing up his stuff and sending to OW address would be great!! Just be sure to shred everything before you pack it! Use his credit card to pay the courier fee for moving it all and the same credit card to pay for changing the locks at your own house.

I'd love to be a fly on THAT wall when the courier delivers!!!

Please think about taking some cash out of the credit card at the ATM, if he doesn't let you have cash you are going to need to. Its not ideal but its better than starving. Get some legal advice asap and if you can then email all the financial paperwork and incriminating emails to a new yahoomail address then delete the history so he can't find it.

If you act now you can get everything in place before he realises that you know. Pretend to be ill over the next few days like other posters have said, anything to buy you some time. Thinking of you.

Quick thought, if he discovers that you have taken cash out say it's for the holiday, so you had cash and to buy some stuff for it.

depending on the level of control (ie how carefully he checks supermarket receipts) you could also put some money on supermarket "gift cards"....some plastic money to feed you if the going gets tough.

Stash them safely and don't forget to keep a note of how much is on each.

Otherwise Op won't repeat what others have said except to be so, so sorry you are in this position.

How's it going op? You holding up ok? X

I really wish I had been on MN when I found out I was being cheated on. Some great suggestions here.

I rushed in guns blazing and never learnt the truth. Hope you are keeping well OP,put yourself and DS first.

Oh god, me too, Sucks. I wish I'd been on a forum like this aged 17 when I first met my ex - had the same problems with him until I divorced him, aged 40. I wouldn't have liked the advice given to me, I know, but it would have resonated.

ImperialBlether We can both co write "How not to react to discovering an affair for dummies"

Step 1 Put the knife down
Step 2 Let them get their coats of before you start screaming like a banshee
Etc!!!!!

Oh I didn't get violent - I was the soft one who tried to understand him, blame myself and brush it out of the way, refusing to give it enough importance, because that would have meant accepting he was a twat and not a god.

Argh!

Do you know Darling?

1. stash the cash. AF's suggestion of gift cards is brilliant
2. copy and store everything. Mobile phone bills, utility bills, bank statements, shares, everything
3. get a job.

How controlling is he? Do you seriously get housekeeping?

Good luck, talk to us xxx

I am going to be very unpopular....

You know, OP, an affair does not have to mean the end of a relationship. I mean, it probably does mean the end for most people, and I get the impression that would be the case for most posters on this thread, but it doesn't have to. Some couples (poss. with the help of counselling, definitely with lots of honesty and soul-searching) do move past it....

Not saying this is right for you, I'm just saying...

Anyways whatever happens OP I hope you find all the support you need. MN is an amazing place, and I do think all the advice on this thread is fantastic. Once you have all the evidence and everything, then you will be in a huge position of strength to be able to decide the path you want or need to take.

Hearts, I am not going to flame you because I held on passionately to that idea.

But it only happens when the cheater is able to look into himself and be prepared to look at WHY he did this, and WORK to change those characteristics (selfishness, secrecy, etc etc) and to become more emotionally available.

I am still with my H, but I know that I do not know him, I do not have the love I hoped for and that I never will. I am working on detaching from him and accepting him for who he is. I take one day at a time, work through my sorrow and on getting a life and a job.

Just checking in and letting you know we are still here OP - how are you today? Hope you got through last night OK.

How are you OP? I'm thinking of you

I'm still here.

Leant very heavily on a close friends shoulder today (if you read this, thank you v much - you saved my sanity today)
Have also spoken to my sister.

I'm just taking my time ......

Thankyou everyone for getting me through yesterday.