3am - dilemma - no idea WHAT t think

[Dontknowwhatithink]

Husband out tonight/last night at a "networking" thing with a client.

I last spoke to him early evening when he said he had been having communication problems with his phone all day (02 blackberry). He said there is a casino next to the hotel where they had meeting and that it looks like they would be going in to that ... And that he would be late. I joked saying that he'd need to not get carried away and to stick to a budget ...

So now at 2.45 am I wake and husband not home.

I check phone - email from him at just before midnight saying he was still having communication probs with phone - that clients are going onto "another" late night casino and that he was going with them. That client has an apartment nearby and he will crash there as he has an eat meeting with them in the morning.

Small backstory here in that my husband has tattoos - something he has always regretted and been very conscious of at golfing days etc when even in high summer he has ensured his tarts are covered up at all times so as not to give the wrong impression ....

To be honest I just don't know what to think - at this time in the morning it's easy to convince myself of any scenario!

I just don't know how to play things in the morning ....

OP, this bit, where you say..

I really don't want her world turned upside down and certainly don't want her to see me unfavourably as I know my H is capable of doing !!!

makes me think that firstly, things probably weren't too good at home anyway and secondly, yes you do need to be clever about it.

You poor thing :( anything you feel right now is 'normal'. How do you know his email password? Try not to let on that you know it of possible. It's very hard to pretend to be normal when you just want to rip his face off, if I were you I would arrange childcare then confront him, unless you really think you can handle keeping it to yourself.
It's an awful feeling, I've been there :(

I admit things haven't been fab for ages - we have had a difficult couple of years with H's fathers death long protracted Alzheimer's thing with H's head in the sand - H is only child. And now his mother is very poorly with cancer.

Ours is his 2nd marriage - and no b4 anyone asks I wasn't anything to do with marriage breakup.

So no our relationship hasn't been great for ages but I have supported him tremendously thru all of this ..... I am angry now.

But no point walling - I'm sure we are both to 'blame'.

But I need to move forward from this - I just don't know how.

Try to stay calm.

You can develop a cold/virus/headachey type of bug for the next few days. This will give you an excuse for being a bit down and not being in much physical contact - not wanting to pass on your germs etc.

Photocopy everything you can find. Keep everything in a safe place.

Build a log of all the evenings/weekends/meetings/golf etc and match up to credit card expenditure.

It is absolutely normal to want to protect your child.

Hang on, when you say you have absolutely no money yourself, what does that mean? Does it mean that you have no access to a bank account or credit card? You are married, so all the money in the marriage is yours too.

I think if I were you I would want to wait before confronting and collect as much financial documentation as possible in case of a split. I would try and keep it together this morning, and maybe try to see a RL friend or relative during the day.

Thanks everyone for seeing me through this morning - I'm not sure how I would have coped without you guys.

Yes I have no mOney - we have joint credit cards in his name but I can't start withdrawing cash from that without raising suspicion surely.

He gives me a small allowance which covers my endowments policies and my mobile with not much over tbh.

Oh and I get the FA of course.

It's difficult cos I'm tied into his business in a non exec kind of tax relief thing - I see no light ...

I dOnt feel able to seek RL friend advice - too close and I don't want to burden them or family with this at the ment - for me to offload on them then expect them to keep secret is just askIng too much.

I'd rather not turn into a mud slinger - I don't know why but I feel it's important that I don't add fuel to a fire (for him to use against me)

Dear God! So you don't have a joint account that you can access for food and bills then?

Wow, you're a lot more level headed than I could be

Sorry, that sounded harsh and judgey. Sorry.

Level headed? You think?

If you could see me throwing up this morning .....

I'm not at all really - I'm just running on adrenalin at the moment - my job before DC involved a lot of pragmatic decision making in serious situations - I guess that never totally leaves you ..

Am shaking so much this morning - not sure this level headedness will continue

Hey small suggestion...

Draw a little bit of 'cash back' at the till when you buy your food. Destroy the store receipt.

So sorry :(

Oh Dontknow, please read my thread. I am going through the very same thing as you and am in a very similar situation, SAHM, no money of my own. He has a good job but is good at spending too and I don't know what the future holds.

The one thing you have in your favour is that you hold information he doesn't know you have. My H lied and lied and lied, even when I knew the truth. I am so sorry for you, I know how much it hurts.

I don't think you can take cashback on a supermarket till using a credit card, can you? only debit cards. So that won't work.

Very sorry that you have caught him out like this, OP - but knowledge is power - and he doesn't know you have it yet so you have time to work out a plan.

music. Thanks for sharing that with me - life certainly throws us some curve balls, doesn't it?

I may have questions off screen as it were - ..

:( oh dear sorry! Lame effort on my part!

But but - what you could do is buy some extras on credit card and try and get cash refunds when you take them back... you'd have to pretend you didn't have the credit card on you when you go back, and not do it too often, spread it around different shops, that kind of thing.

If you don't want to talk to anyone in RL, don't feel bad about it. I'm sure lots of people will be able to give you support here for as long as you want it.

Perhaps if doing something practical today would help you feel more in control you could go to a Citizens Advice Bureau and see what your options would be for getting hold of some cash in the event of a split - there must be some way of making one spouse give the other access to money that is a joint asset. You might have to make an appointment. Other posters may know about this too. I think it's a very bad sign that you don't have access to any cash.

Other than that I second the plan of arming yourself with as much information as possible while you are still feeling level-headed. Your DC's future security could depend on it - it's absolutely not unreasonable to act to protect her.

Buy clothes and sell it on Ebay?

HE is being a controlling bastard but you need to sort your head out. Go and see a solicitor and use the first half hour free deal to get some advice. DO this when you have all the financial paperwork you can get your hands on. How long have you been married?

One comment, is i believe you project the urge to protect yourself onto your children. Use that feeling to stay calm and focussed. Your child doesn't need protecting from him, YOU do.

He's just phoned. Number blocked.

Did you get my message he asks!

I couldn't help it - yes but not until I phoned the police !

What do you mean you phoned the police?

Well said I - I was worried about you -was expecting you home and couldn't get hold of you !

God I hope I haven't blown my cover - I just wanted him to pat iyswim

Oh no

I've been there and know what you must be going through.

Remember that you might have been 50% responsible for the relationship, in no way are you to blame for his selfish choices - he chose to solve his issues by having an affair.

You do have money - at least half of everything belongs to you.

You need to confront him and tell him you know (but not how) - I appreciate that you need to be ready for this but don't leave it too long.

I didn't (phone the police) by the way

God my head is splitting

Re: your police story. If you need a follow-up cover story about what the police said or did, you can say that the police told you that they only act once missing persons have been missing for 24 hours (this is true).

Definitely make copies of financial things like bank statements, salary slips, bonus, and shares, as stated above, and keep them somewhere safe.

I'm
So sorry. Worst nightmare.
But seriously packing for him? You're better off out

Do you know where he is geographically from the emails you've read? If he's back at work then he can't have gone far. The email story and blocked phone made me wonder if he was abroad. Sorry I don't want to worry you more but the phone thing seems strange.

When I discovered what XH was doing I couldn't not say anything to him straightway.