3am - dilemma - no idea WHAT t think

[Dontknowwhatithink]

Husband out tonight/last night at a "networking" thing with a client.

I last spoke to him early evening when he said he had been having communication problems with his phone all day (02 blackberry). He said there is a casino next to the hotel where they had meeting and that it looks like they would be going in to that ... And that he would be late. I joked saying that he'd need to not get carried away and to stick to a budget ...

So now at 2.45 am I wake and husband not home.

I check phone - email from him at just before midnight saying he was still having communication probs with phone - that clients are going onto "another" late night casino and that he was going with them. That client has an apartment nearby and he will crash there as he has an eat meeting with them in the morning.

Small backstory here in that my husband has tattoos - something he has always regretted and been very conscious of at golfing days etc when even in high summer he has ensured his tarts are covered up at all times so as not to give the wrong impression ....

To be honest I just don't know what to think - at this time in the morning it's easy to convince myself of any scenario!

I just don't know how to play things in the morning ....

So sorry you are good through this. I worked in the city for ten years and I would say over half of the married men Were having affairs. His client story is a classic. As is the "business meeting running late / early start" "weekend offsite for team bonding" etc etc etc.

Sty strong and be thankful you found out. He has been taking you for a fool. Use that anger.

Yes - I worked in the city also for many years - so I do (know) .......

Sorry irrational posting just fallen apart in floods of tears in car after doing the school drop off - need to throw up again

Plus he's been fiddling tax by pretending to pay you as a director, while actually keeping you very short of money.

In a little while, when you're over the worst shock, you might just start to feel he's done you a bit of a favour with this affair thing...

So sorry you're going through this. Of course you want to protect your child. If you read through some of the other affairs thread in the relationships section, you will see that there are a lot of behaviours and excuses that appear a lot, so you will be prepared for them.

Please try and find a friend or family member to talk to so that you have some support. Of course they will want to help you and support you and would prefer to know than leave you to struggle alone.

Good luck.

Oh sweetie I understand what it feels like honestly. It's the worst feeling in the world. Keep posting. I don't know what I would have done without a forum (not this one) which supported me through what you're going through years ago with my ex. I know it doesn't feel like it now and you've got a hell of a lot to plough through but there will be light at the end of the tunnel. You're not alone. So many of us on this forum have been through it. The thing that will keep you sane even in the times you think you're out of your mind with anger, pain, loathing and grief is your child. An keep telling yourself this is NOT your fault. Whatever the state of your marriage and your responsibility for that there is NEVER EVER justification for lying cheating and betrayal. Never.

So sorry you are going through this and in the early hours too. I second other advice, take copies of all savings etc and emails and keep safe, preferably with someone else.

Keep posting here for support.

Only you know when you want to confront him about this but you may find it too difficult to act normally around him....

My DD is 4 and her dad walked out at Easter. It's not been easy but 3 months on we are doing ok and she sees him at least once a week and is a lot more settled.

If you could get s part time job you would be entitled to tax credits. Try and find out what you would be entitled to and also see a solicitor.

Good luck and take care

How awful I'm so sorry. No advice to add really just Keep posting here and keep breathing ((((hugs))))

Wow.This thread moved along quickly.

ok op?

I thought that you said he was self employed - with his own business? If he has a business you would be entitled to part of that too as it is a capital asset and part of the income from it would partially belong to you. But you need to be able to prove what that is so - you should get hold of the company accounts as this will prove the turnover and the profits of the company. If you cannot find them I am 99% sure they are accessible to any member of the public for a small fee through companies house. Look on the companies house web site.

Although you might want to be financially independent you should find out what getting a job would do to any claim for maintenance - it may be better to hang tight if you could be worse off. Or, if you want to work and you think getting a well paid job is a reality for you you could look at trading your entitlement to maintenance for more capital .

I do wish you luck

Nope. Not ok.

I doing some financial research - difficult to print out as I am on tenterhooks as no idea when he will be home - would be just my luck if he pitched up without me noticing - feel so alone but your support here really does help. Thankyou so much.

I'm so sorry you are going through this
What a wanker

What was he supposed to be doing today? Would he go straight to work without a change of clothes?

Put the catch down on the door while you are printing stuff off, at least that will buy you a couple of minutes to close everything down if he comes back. If he asks why say you didn't realise you'd done it, let the fucker wonder what is going on.

If you have a credit card you can withdraw cash from it at the ATM, and if he has been claiming you work for him then you are really only drawing out your salary. He will see it on the bill but hopefully not for another month, by then he will know that you know. Good luck, try to get an appointment with a lawyer asap.

my dh does stuff like this all the time

out with clients, saying his phone's died etc

hmm...

I would have gone round there this morning as you have the address

I'm really mad on your behalf

Once you have everything you need, and have taken advice and got a plan sorted you could wait until the next time he does it and take his suitcase round. Then video his reaction, the utter arsehole

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I would hold back and say nothing for now. This gives you time to do all the practical stuff you are doing like gather financial info etc.

It also gives you time to get your head around this shit situation. Yes you will want to confront him at some point and have all those unanswered questions answered by him - but there will be time for that. This is a time where you have the upperhand in this situation - you know what he is upto and he has no idea.

Make out you are unwell. Nauseaus/sickness bug and very tired to excuse the fact you feel crap because of this and allow you some distance from him.

Use the time wisely as you can but also look after yourself. Gather info, ensure DC passports are safe with you and birth certs etc. My friend did this for a little while and used to hide it all in empty handbags in the bottom of her wardrobe - somewhere her hubby would not ever think of looking.

Do you not have a debit card? How do you do the grocery shop?? Do you have no access to cash at all?

To raise funds you could have a clear out and have a boot sale or see if the NCT or similar run nearly new sales. Sell unused stuff on ebay and local classifieds.

Does he have kids from his previous marriage? If so that may give you a clue as to how he will behave in terms of financial support for your DC in the event that you split.

Good luck today. Hope you are OK

If you think he's going to turn up, then lock the front/back doors so that he'll have to knock. Just say that you'd seen someone dodgy passing and wanted to be safe.

What an awful situation to be in. I think in your position I would go to a solicitor today and ask for advice. If he is the sort of man who will tell your daughter that your divorce is your fault, you don't need him around.

Don't confront him over it until you have full financial records.

If he asks why you look a state, say you've been up all night being sick. It's true, just don't tell him why.

What a pig this man is. He's unfaithful, keeping you short of money and blames you.

Do you have any idea from the emails how long it's gone on for?

Do you recognise the woman's name?

Is he supposed to be in work today? Surely he couldn't have gone in with yesterday's clothes on?

He's just phoned from a pay phone - seems his phone is knackered I'll see how he deals with that as he is heavily reliant on it for work (as well as for what I've justcdiscovered it seems)

Oh and can I pick him up when he gets to our home station.

sheer cheek of the man

"of course darling!"

.......

Feel sick again. Just hope I can jolly along for a few days - suppose just need to make myself busy. I keep thinking of how this will impact our DD and feel very sad about that

Play along love, won't be for much longer. Just remember knowledge is power

Can't really give any advice, just I hope your ok and you are extremely strong.

You just have to keep thinking : he's the one who's messed up, he is the one who has messed up for your DD , not you! Therefore you are doing exactly the right thing for her and yourself.
At least knowing you have to pick him up from the station gives you time to organise and gather everything together, without worrying he is coming home. Is there anyone in RL you have to call upon for support? You are doing really really well, follow Imperials advice about saying you have been sick all night if he asks why your quiet . May be good reason for one of you to sleep elsewhere in the house tonight too.

Good luck. I agree that it's sensible to plan and hold off on any confrontation. At the same time, don't punish yourself if you don't manage to get everything you want in place before he finds out you know or you find yourself unable to hide that you know. Get as much done as you can.

I'd just like to second the recommendation for the Citizen's Advice Bureau as a free resource for advice. There may be one near you and I would go as soon as you can. It's amazing how much better you can feel once you have some knowledge and help.

Also- this may be a bit premature, but when it does eventually come out don't be surprised if he's deep in the mindset of "I was so unhappy, it's your fault, woe is me". Someone scummy enough to be conducting an affair with presents and flowers and visits and all the rest of that crap is probably rationalising like a madman and justifying it to themselves with all sorts of fevered delusions. Don't engage in this delusion, if it turns out he does have it. Don't bother arguing with him if he starts rewriting history and spouting rubbish in front of your very eyes. Just let it wash over you while you plan on what you need to do. Babylon is right- knowledge IS power, and you know what he's doing and he doesn't realise that you have that knowledge.