Will anyone admit to...?

[Just5minspeace]

...having an affair that no-one found out about?

I don't think there's anything surprising or ground-breaking in this thread.

For some people it wouldn't matter if no-one knew about an affair, it would be enough that they knew about it and their self-esteem and ethics are more important to them than new sex and romance. Those people tend to get their esteem from numerous aspects of their lives.

For others, they go ahead but feel guilty from the word go.

Others only feel guilt when the relationship is over and there is no 'compensation' for the guilt they've been suppressing.

Others feel no guilt at all because they haven't been caught and haven't had to see the hurt they've caused.

Others 'learn' to feel guilt when they are caught, but the primary emotions are about their own losses.

Others feel no guilt at all and want to be caught, so that they can exit the relationship and punish a partner.

I'd be surprised if anyone learnt anything from this thread, the responses have been totally predictable. I'm also not sure how they will help the OP, other than to show what we already know. Some people are good at compartmentalising and deceiving, others are crap at it. Some people have a conscience about this issue and others don't. Some people can lie to themselves as effectively as to others and some people can only lie to others. What matters OP is what you're like and then what the OM is like - and what you're both prepared to risk.

Then it depends how switched on your partners and mutual contacts are - and how bothered they would be. The latter because some partners know about affairs and are amused that their spouses think it's a secret. But sometimes they have their own secrets or their own broader interests that they are invested in protecting.

I'm not here to gloat and maybe these posts are without point but it's not something I can talk about in real life and actually sometimes it is good to "talk" so here it is.

Why don't we leave? Because in addition to loving each other we genuinely love our spouses. Some will ridicule this suggestion and claim if we loved them we wouldn't behave in this manner, but we do and we do.

Above that we both adore our DC. If I can't chose between my DH and my lover I can certainly choose between my lover and my DC and they win every time. I want them to have a happy and stable upbringing and that is best achieved by my DH and I staying together. Believe it or not we do have a happy marriage and we are great parents to our DC. They don't deserve anything less.

I don't feel particular guilt, and do have darker moments when I wonder if something is wrong with me, but overall my affair adds infinitely to my life. We have fun, enjoy each others company, we "get" each other in a way I know our "real" partners don't. It probably goes without saying we have the most amazing sex, but it is so much more than that.

I don't know what we will do in the future ...we are going through a very intense period at the moment and sometimes it saddens me that we're not together, but that it not an overarching theme to our relationship.

A genuine Thank You to everyone. It is so hard to see all sides when you are the ones involved.
Can I ask one more thing? If anyone refrained did they get over it or was there a part of them that always regretted the moment that passed?
I find myself so torn. My head and my heart are yelling No but a devil on my shoulder says, it is your life too, and potentially another 50yrs of the same. I know it is better or worse but sometimes the length of the worse seems infinite...

I have narrowly avoided it and I'm so very pleased I didn't go near. I still find the on attractive but have decided on that basis not to see him or have contact with him.

I have even gone to the point, rightly or wrongly of telling dh I have feelings for this on and therefore for him to respect my wish not to see him. We have an incredibly honest relationship and promised each other if we ever had a problem with the marriage we would tell each other and try to work it out. I don't think he fully realises as I am working my way through depression and anxiety at the moment (successfully I might add ) and he thinks it linked to that, he maybe right, time will tell.

Of course I wonder what if. I don't want to lose what I've got so I stepped away. Also I personally feel bad for just having feelings so would be rubbish if anything did happen.

*om not on

This is a fabulous thread. I for one have been very hurt (the understatement of my entire existence!) by my husband's affair, but I am very interested in everyone's point of view and hope my questions have been framed with respect.

THAT out of the way, there are some amazing points brought up. Address, please, affairees!

1. 'I didnt feel guilty during or after any affairs or extra marital sex..no-one knows, no damage done'. - Whitewash, is that really true? I assure you that although H was already distant years before (narcissistic disenchantment) once he was 'having coffee' etc. described by Holly he was well gone and beyond all reaching. I was very damaged by his emotional diversion, well before I knew the reason why. So were his kids, but not to such a great extent ('I left you, not them' - If that is the case, why are you still here? [yet to be satisfactorily answered]).

Anyone else's thoughts?

1. 'There were feelings between us but the unspoken truth was that we would never, ever trust each other. '

1. 'But once the affair started it became more and more obvious that I viewed my husband with disdain, and could never be in love with him again whatever happened.'

1. why, when found out, do the cheaters often not want to lose their marriage?

...[when] OHs affairs are faced with them saying that they love us, that they dont want to lose us, that it was a mistake, a bit of fun...basically begging for another chance. They genuinely dont want to lose their marriage ...iif they were that unhappy that they had an affair then why arent they happy that they dont have to have the "I am leaving you for someone else" conversation ... the fact of cheaters asking their OH to give them another chance doesnt line up with posters saying that happy, in love people dont have affairs.

If someone can answer this, I will give them a fucking million pounds.

1. Cardi: 'I felt like a naughty child getting away with something behind my parents' back which made it more exciting. In my case there was a lot of irrational thinking going on too. Delusional and irrational.'

Can you tell me those thoughts?

1. "My overwhelming feeling when DP cheated, and particularly when he then lied about it, was that he was essentially saying to me: "you are not a person. You do not have your own life, your own feelings, your own ambitions or principles. You are nothing more than a character in my life, you do not have a story of your own, and the days, weeks, months of your life are my playthings."

That was the only time I understood the expression "cheating". I'd never liked it before because it made it sound like relationships were a game and we had to play by the rules, which seemed reductive. But actually when it happened to me, that was exactly how I felt: cheated. Cheated out of the opportunity to make decisions for myself, protect myself, in my one chance at life, "

Seriously, I have never seen it better put. THIS is what it feels like. Well done, VivianDB. [I hope you ditched that twat for some other poor sap to suffer]

Abitwobbly, I'll try to remember some more examples of my delusional thinking and post them a bit later. This one is going to be rather long.

The one faulty line of thinking that springs to mind is that right at the beginning of the affair - after OM and I kissed for the first time but before we had sex - I honestly believed at that point that having an affair could save my marriage. I had made a plan to leave it if things didn't improve, but I still cared about my husband, I still wanted the marriage to work, I'd worked hard at it for about 19 years at that point and I did value it and didn't want to lose it. I believed that if I could get the one thing missing from it (sex), I could then continue to be 'Good Wife' and me and hubby could walk off into the sunset together. (Don't misunderstand me, I do know how this sounds now..just at the time I was devastated at the prospect of a failed marriage and was at that point desperate to stay married if I could).
I still don't understand why he married me if he didn't fancy me....yes I gained a bit of weight a year or so after he started to lose interest. I was 27 or 28, and my own husband didn't want to have sex with me. So I started comfort eating. The weight gain did get worse over the years. But I honestly don't think it was just that. I don't know if he's closet gay. Or asexual. Or what. There was nowhere to talk about this back then, no internet of course. I was deeply ashamed and couldn't talk to anyone about it.
Being sexually rejected is very hard to accept and IMO it cuts at a woman at the deepest level. I'll never fully regain my self-esteem. So for me, it was a heady experience when another guy found me sexually exciting.
I was in a marriage that was 'so close' to ideal, if only he'd wanted to have sex with me more than once a year....
But once the affair started, OM became Mr Perfect in my eyes, that's what falling in love did to me, and I lost all respect for my husband. I hadn't anticipated that at all. I realised that deep down I disliked him intensely for rejecting me for the previous 19 years, I resented him and I believed that he had broken his vows to love cherish and protect me by refusing to have sex with me, as much as I'd broken my own by not forsaking all others....

My feelings now towards exH are that I realise that he's a decent man and I wish him well. We've been divorced now for about 6 years. He hasn't moved on, and for that matter nor have I. We live very close to one another, in a small village, see quite a lot of one another, and he'd like to get back together. But I'd rather be single and celibate by choice, as I am now, than be in a relationship with someone who is rejecting me in that way. Ironically I've got zero sex drive these days: perimenopause.

I suppose I have relegated husband and extra marital sex to different sphere's in my mind?

Tsk whitewash, don't you know it's a MN meme that ONLY MEN do this? For shame.

A lot of the time I don't think the affair is about the DW/DH, its about the person committing the affair. If all hell breaks loose because the spouse has found out they often think 'where did I/what did I do wrong', absolutely nothing because its not about them.

Yes me married too young and had a 4 year affair in my 20s. It wa ridiculously passionate & exciting. The sex was incredible. I ended the affair when I realised (4 years too late) that I didn't want to be this kind of person; a liar, a cheat, etc

I threw myself into my marriage and we are still very happily together and have 4 children. Would never admit to it and know I would never do that again. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about what I could have thrown away.

Holly, I never slept with OM until the divorces were started and DCs fully grown, it took years and it was never about sex, and we had plenty of opportunity. I always knew one thing though, that I wanted to be with him. We are both much older, love each other dearly, don't need kids and are very happy in the companionship we share. The sex, which we never embarked on in the 18 odd years, is wonderful and has just added to the relationship - we often say to each other 'who'd a thought it?'

Maybe I just answered that Vivian, I always hoped to spend a lot more time with OM before I die, he is a wonderful man in my eyes

ofcourse i agree wholeheartedly, that was certainly the case for me. My XDH was (is) a perfectly lovely man, but I always felt that there was something missing from the relationship. Unfortunately it took meeting OM for me to realise what that was.

I think in a way that contributes to the intensified feelings of guilt and shame that some women (myself included) feel after the affair has ended/been found out....my XDH had done nothing wrong, so when I owned up I was forced to fully face up to the pure selfishness of what I'd done.

I still get waves of the guilt and shame now, 5 years on and happily married to OM.

vivian i'd like to believe that there's a happy ever after out there for everybody :)

For me the guilt came after not because there was no compensation, but because I realised how irrational all my justifications had been.

Hi, just joining in because this is a great thread - and really fascinating to hear experiences similar to mine - not many people talk about affairs unless it's in guilt laden terms.

I had several affairs when I was young and with a long term boyfriend. Not the same as marriage I know. The tenderness and sex in the relationship were perfect, but other things weren't. I had low self esteem, I thought he was too good looking for me and he was very flirtatious with other women which didn't help my confidence. Having affairs gave me alot of confidence - the other men were wonderful, and I regret not ending the relationship for one man in particular. However, eventually the boyfriend dumped me (having got wind of an affair) I felt very chastened, but....can I say it? Exhilarated that I'd had so much fun and got away with it, having been a 'good girl' for so many years before. I have blocked out the hurt I must have caused the boyfriend though.

I have now been with my husband for 15 years, faithful because I love him and know that I have made a choice to be with him and faithful to him, as I also know that for me, infidelity is a choice. I am happy with our life, we always keep life exciting with new plans for the future and I know that an affair would destroy everything that I love. Even if no-one found out I would know and that would change our relationship - as I found out with my earlier boyfriend.

What did I gain from it? Fantastic memories of love lust and sex with gorgeous men. Life and love lessons before I committed to one man.

I hope that my daughters have the same freedom to have fun, learn from getting hurt and bounce back before they enjoy long and stable life partnerships.

People are risking so much hurt for a shag. It's so selfish. Sorry can't read this thread and start applauding the horrible behaviour on here.

You really should be ashamed. Deliberately setting out to betray and deceive is despicable behaviour. You can't dress it up.