Will anyone admit to...?

[Just5minspeace]

...having an affair that no-one found out about?

I have a number of female friends and colleagues , in their forties fifties and sixties, who have embarked on affairs for a number of reasons and not been found out.
Many are in dull sexless marriages, a couple are swingers too,but the affairs are seen as life-enhancing, fun, revenge, a host of things. None of the women want to leave their husbands , the sex in the affair is generally good, and for some of the women it has been 'liberating' in that they are having the ''kind of sex men have and fucking enjoying it''

I spoke to a male nurse, now in his fifties, straight, never married. He has been in a couple of long term relationships, but when single he slept with dozens of married women. he said that for him it was uncomplicated, and for the women it was almost entirely a positive thing. All but one of those women is still married to their husband, none of the affairs were discovered.

He thinks, and has been told, that he was a sort of light entertainment and less of a guilt problem as he was not in a relationship himself.

The women appeared to compartmentalise him as men are supposedly meant to, and the one time he found himself getting more than Friend with Benefit feelings towards one of the women she dropped him fast.

I can understand some negative reactions to this thread but the reality is that for many people sex can easily be removed from emotional entanglement, can be recreational, and extra marital sex can save a marriage.

I'm sorry Scarlet but I just dont buy that.

You dont need your H's permission to seperate, and with seperate finances you would be entitled to higher rates of tax credits etc, so your income wouldnt be so much of an issue. And frankly, if he is EA then it is better for your children that they are not in that situation any longer.

It all just sounds like excuses to me.

I think you need to bite bullet and leave if things are that bad, and worry about your relationship with OM when your marriage is sorted out.

I dont see how anyone can presume to know the reasons why people have affair, or apply hard and fast rules like 'happy people dont have affairs'...thats laughably simplistic!

People are complex and often contradictory, relationships between people even more so

without wanting to sound flippant - whilst I don't want to be found out because of the inevitable hurt all around, if I was to be, I wouldnt expect forgiveness from my H, and actually that would mean I can get out of my marriage. I'm not sure that makes sense?

However, I do fully expect my marriage (and I have been married for half my life) to run its course in the not so distant future when finances do improve, but as and when that happens, that will be my decision and not because I see a permanent future with my OM.

interesting post Ohdobuckup

I understand what you are saying Scarlet, but isnt that an incredibly cowardly thing to do? Surely if you are found out then the money issue, the kids etc will all be so much worse?

Why would you risk that? Would planning your exit sooner than that not be a better option? Or when you say "run its course" do you mean your husband leaving?

Bogeyface, I think some people who are happy in their relationships convince themselves that it will just be a bit of fun and they absolutely believe they won't get caught. If they knew before the affair/one night stand started that they'd get caught, I think most of those people would not risk it. They don't think through the damage that is being caused even if the cheating is never discovered.

I was unhappy and wouldn't have done it if I was happy, but for me, once I'd got away with kissing another bloke - after only kissing my husband for the previous 22 years- I started to feel invincible. I half expected my husband to know straight away that I'd been snogging someone else. Of course he didnt. So I went further than kissing, and still didn't get busted by him. And then I felt like a naughty child getting away with something behind my parents' back which made it more exciting. In my case there was a lot of irrational thinking going on too. Delusional and irrational.

I should say, I am not having a go at you, it does read like I am and I apologise for that. I am just trying to understand.

I understand what you're saying, and I didnt intend to sound a coward. I am trying to plan an exit, and my H knows I am unhappy at home. He drinks regularly, is emotionally abusive, but a good dad. When we try (or I try) and have a conversation about separating he starts crying and his excuse is always it not being fair on the DCs (although I always feel 2 happy homes would be better than one miserable one), we can't afford it and that he loves me. Funny way of showing it - and its too late.

I would not expect in the slightest to be doing this if I were in a happy marriage - and it was happy up to about 3-4 years ago.

Is emotionally abusive, but a good dad

Channelling AF when I say that EA men are not good dads, they just arent. Making mummy utterly miserable is not good for the kids.

I hope you get out soon, for your and their sakes.

I have had a fling - well, more of a sexual encounter, not full sex - with a preist!!!!! I am mortified and embarrased about it. He is married too and has done this ALOT, he says he feels no guilt I don't like him very much.

Priests are catholic, are you sure he wasnt a vicar?! Kind of hoping it is a married priest...shades of Father Ted :o

And what a total twat, so much for the ten commandments then, or did it not count as he didnt "spill his seed" as it were...

Oh and yes I do know that there are a few married priests but they joined up after the women vicars thing, and dont count imo.

Bogey I can't watch father ted anymore without some very strange thoughts. But yes, a vicar. His poor wife

oh and i adore my DP :( There was no reason/excuse for my torrid behaviour other than the thrill of doing something so "naughty" FFS

Well considering there was thread recently where a vicars wife managed to escape his emotional abuse and his affairs with vulnerable women he was working with, I would say it isnt uncommon, sadly :(

My ex had an affair and he admitted later that he had no intention of leaving us. If I hadnt have found out it would have just run its course. But i did find out and because of this we divorced four years ago.

I now have a new partner and he now has a gf who is quite spookily quite like me - but at least we get on

I had an affair with someone who used to work at my workplace. He was quite connected to the company. Obviously work mates found out, its hard to hide feelings later in the evening at the pub.

I found that people think of you as a less of a person. Has anyone come accross that?

Actually i think people pity you as the fool who is on her way to ruining her life emotionally.

What annoys me is men are seen as studs while women are looked upon as heartless creatures.

"Affairs are not fun, they are horrible, dark and very very lonely."
Maybe yours was. Mine was lovely , bright, and highly companionable.
I don't feel in the least guilty.
That's not gloating, that's a reasoned description of what it was like for me.
Great that mumsnet can discuss the other side without the usual scripted stuff.

ANyone that thinks less of you was never your friend. And might feel threatened.
Sorry, but not everyone views unfaithful partners as spawn of the devil

it's incredibly common.

yes, me. I fell in love, got hurt, that's life I suppose. My marriage was and still is lonely, but I love my H.

I think I would think less of someone tbh. If they are in an unhappy marriage I would question why they didnt deal with that before embarking on another relationship, and if it was just a bit of fun then I would think that they dont really love or respect (mainly respect) their OH. Either way, I wouldnt think much of them. Sorry.

And that was the case before I was the faithful wife to a cheating husband. The only person I havent thought less of is a friend of mine who confessed all, to her OH and to her close friends (I didnt think much of her when she did that, neither did our other friends). But she was honest, disgusted at herself and so shocked at what she risked. She did infact lose her OH, but because she worked through her reasons for the affair and became a better person for it, not just in her relationships but in general, they got back together a couple of years later and are still blissful 12 years down the line.