Will anyone admit to...?

[Just5minspeace]

...having an affair that no-one found out about?

I don't think you've a leg to stand on lecturing others for inappropriate or misplaced (iyo) comments, tbh, SmallCardi, seeing as how inappropriate and misplaced comments are only the tip of the infidelity iceberg.

'Nobody got hurt because no body found out' - this is all a bit if a tree falls in a forest... for me.

Holly one of the things that might be holding you back from leaving a marriage that you now describe as emotionally abusive, is that this will force the issue with your lover. Are you frightened that your worst fears might come true and that his feelings about you and his marriage are not as he'd described?

Being single co-parents has got to be better than a relationship where there is emotional abuse, a lack of love and a secret affair, for you both but especially for your children.

I'm very pleased that you are seeing the contradictions in your own posts and that this is helping you. But it seems to have turned out that the affair is not the most pressing issue at all for you, your husband and your children.

24hour would you like to tell me who got hurt then, seeing as you know more about my situation than I apparently do?

If he's emotionally abusive, I understand it must be very hard.

Holly I'm really worried to read your latest posts. I missed the mention of emotional abuse earlier. I agreee with sternface on this, that you would be better off single, for you and for DCs if you're in a bad situation.

I'd like to also add that on the affairs board I referred to earlier, it was actually quite rare for the cheating men to leave their wives. They got busted more often than the women did, but they rarely left their wives. The women who left partners or husbands all ended up happier after the initial traumas of divorce etc had settled down.

I'm so glad this thread is still managing to continue, and hasn't been de-railled or descended into a bun fight. It could so easily. It's such a shame that some posts have simply been short sharp verbal attacks on "Those Who Have Affairs". It's to be expected though, i suppose, as it's such an emotive issue. But surely there's a place in 'relationships' for this topic to be discussed without disgust being shown ad hoc? These random "shame on you" posts seem to be aimed at a sterio-type woman who is in the minority on this thread right now. Or maybe doesn't even exist at all!

I wish i'd been able to read and post on a thread like this 4 years ago. I'm finding it both helpful and difficult to read and post now. It's all very much in hind-sight for me now though.

I havn't name-changed for any of my posts here because i don't want to add to the sickening 'double life' feeling i still have hanging around in the back of my mind even though I'm now very happily married to my OM, and my exH is very happy and getting married next weekend.

I wanted to say to Holly - i know this is going to sound like i'm dreadfully over simplifing here but anyway ... I think you should leave your H, come clean, let him go find a relationship where he isn't being deceived and carve out a way of sharing the upbringing of your children. If your OM wants to do the same then so be it - you can be together properly without guilt and without hurting/deceiving anyone else. It WILL most definately be hellish to do, and will be traumatising and awful for a while. But all of you will heal in time - and - it's just the right thing to do. Be really strong. You (and everyone else) will be glad in the long term ((hug))

Sorry for the ramble.

The contradiction that you can make a marriage happy with an emotional abuser whom you don't love. That your children are having a nice life when that is the case, coupled with their mother's emotional absence because of an affair for 5 years of their childhood.

The happiness or rather unhappiness of your family is the pressing issue.

I thought that Holly (about my DCs) and it turns out i was wrong :(

But Holly, you're not ready to give up OM are you? As I'm sure you know there can be a very addictive feeling to all this and we can resolve to end it (I did that a few times) but for some reason we keep going back. I'm not sure you can bring back enough to your marriage to be able to continue with it. Especially after experiencing the feelings about OM.

They were happy, confident and loved but they knew very well all was not quite right.

We think they dont notice, but during one particularly miserable phase, where exh was being really grotty to us, I do remember one of my DC (5) suggesting to me that maybe we should get rid of daddy. He wasnt an abuser or anything, just grumpy disinterested and no fun to live with. When he was away on business shagging OW the mood in our house was so much better

Well Holly, the only advice I can really give you is that you'll never be happy with things the way they are now. I know, time with OM is so precious and joyful, but then times when you're apart it hurts...you try to 'work on the marriage' (how often I tried that) and it feels ok for a while. But in the longer term if you try to keep things how they are now, you're not going to be truly happy.

OK, well, background:
Mine are all DDs. They were 10, 13 and 15 when i left their Dad. That was 4 years ago. The affair had been going on for nearly 2 years.

While i was seeing OM i tried to make sure i was being present in their lives as if nothing unusual was going on in mine. I cooked 6 out of 7 of the evening meals per week, I got them ready for school and picked them up from school everyday, i was always around to put the youngest to bed. We did homework together. We laughed together, and had days out etc.

The girls all elected to come live with me full time when i left. H has always had unlimited, uncomplicated access to the girls, but their Dad wasn't/still isn't that interested in them :( Of course i tried to do all the right things re: making the split easy for them at the time. I didn't bad mouth their Dad. Their day to day lives didn't change at all (stayed in the same village) Tried to make their lives happy and normal. As everyone would.

The thing is (getting to the point now sorry) we've had various chats over the last couple of years about 'the days when i left Dad'. Baring in mind they are now 19, 17 and 14 they are well able to articulate their feelings and memories. They all 3 say that in their own way they sensed i was desperately unhappy. They sensed that Dad and i were no longer friends. They had a feeling something was going to happen, and an insecurity about what was going to happen. They knew i didn't love their Dad any more. They worried if i would leave them :( :( I NEVER would have.

I've tried to stick to the point about their awareness before i actually split from their Dad. Sadly they witnessed some phyisical violence against me from him in the days just after.

Does that help at all? What age are yours Holly?

Just want to offer Holly an unmumsnetty hug and i really hope that you sort yourself out, whatever way and that you find happiness.

I'm not posting on this thread to judge but the people on here saying they've had affairs but love their OH is a bit

A woman I knew years ago cheated on OH, who I'm still friends with. She didn't admit it, he caught her out. At the time he was having a bit of a break down, on AD's. Everyone thought they would marry, have kids. She used his depression as an excuse for the affair. He left, she begged him to take her back. He was devastated at the betrayal and refused to take her back.

She then continued to see the OM, have DC's with him but continued to try and get back with my friend, even when she was pregnant with OM child.

It took my friend about 4 yrs to get over, his trust was shot to pieces but he is now in a committed relationship with someone else.

She is still with OM and her DC's but she would leave him to get back with XP in a heartbeat.

She fucked up!

Holly I feel for you; there must be a large element of worry that the DC would take it badly and that leaving would be even more selfish than staying and continuing with an affair. You are caught between a rock and a hard place.

Can I ask you a question though: do you think that having company, affection, laughs and warmth from your OM has actually prolonged the marriage, and that without the affair you would have left by now? Not many people can happily live for long without those things.

I don't want to derail the thread from helping Holly, but just to answer the questions:

No, I don't ever envisage leaving this marriage. And yes, I am unhappy, but it doesn't follow that I would be happier once I'd left him. Ofc I would be in some ways, but I would be under an enormous burden of guilt for the rest of my life. He is not a bad man - I know a lot of women say this but he really really is not. He is nothing like the men I read about in Relationships. He is one of the good ones.

I took wedding vows for better or worse. He has not broken his vows or done anything to justify me breaking mine. He knows I am unhappy and he knows that I don't want to live with him, but he doesn't want me to go. I still care about him and I cannot cause him the immense amount of hurt and pain that leaving him would mean.

yep

had one when i was with exH ...OM was really hot, i have some lovely memories of him. i thought i wanted him instead of exH, but in reality i just didn't want exH, OM was just was the catalyst for me to leave a shit relationship

then when i met DH, there was a slight overlap (ie he was with someone) but only of a couple of weeks so technically that was an affair on his part.

i don't regret either

sorry if that makes me a bitch.