Will anyone admit to...?

[Just5minspeace]

...having an affair that no-one found out about?

[affairs] are kept secret from the people who think they are in a monogamous relationship, it means taking away their rights to determine the passage of their own lives

the unaware party is living a lie without even knowing it

this

This makes me feel so sad on behalf of all the betrayed partners of the cheating posters on this thread

Look, to all of you who want to tell everyone who is having/has had an affair how wicked they are, why not save it for the threads where OP has opened that discussion? Now you're all there on your bloody high horses giving the moral lectures when this thread was not opened to discuss the morality of it. It was started to ask if anyone had an affair and wasn't discovered. There are plenty of other threads here on MN for you to continue ranting about how we're worse than puppy killers. Let's keep this one on topic.

Holly, but you are putting your happiness above his and he does pay a price for your happiness.

He will probably sense something is wrong, but wont accuse you unless you really rub his nose in it. Confronting someone over a suspected affair is such a big, big thing to do and one which there is no way back from. You dont really know whether he is happy or not, as I'm betting he wont share his misgivings with you without proof anyway

housespouse very true words unfortunately. So true for so many and that's why, IMO, if it's possible to leave then people should leave.

Holly, as I understand it the 'script' you both have running then is that although you acknowledge your affair to be selfish, you believe it would be more selfish to break up your families and be together?

I can genuinely understand why that has become fixed as a story. It allows you both to believe there is some nobility in your sacrifice.

I'd just urge you both to delve a bit deeper and acknowledge what self-interest there is in remaining with your partners while you are still together and how unlikely it is that neither of you have any, or that one of you doesn't have more than the other.

There's a lot of 'mirroring' in affairs where people believe their circumstances and motivations to be identical, but when people choose to remain with their families and original partners, I can honestly say that I've never known that to be the case. Usually one or both partners is staying because there's a lot more in their marriage that they value than they are prepared to admit to the person they are having an affair with.

OH FGS, I dont think they are wicked. Misguided in their thinking perhaps, human definatley... And what is so wrong with discussing some other perspectives on it. What is missing here seems to be insight and empathy.

FWIW I still quite like my ex, along with all his faults. Just dont want to be married to a cheater, because of the awful soul destroying effect it had on my own life.

elastamum I hear what you're saying to Holly, but my exH actually said to me that he thought we'd been 'happier than ever' during the final year of our marriage, which is when I was having an affair. He had no idea why I wanted a divorce!
Of course, if the affair had been discovered he'd have been devastated. But it's interesting that from his perspective things were better during that year. I think women are much more intuitive about these things and men - especially ones who don't even know that their wives exist, like my exH was - are often not quite so emotionally aware in their relationship or marriage.

I think this is a good thread because of what you have just said Holly - there is no-one to talk to about affairs, so if this thread helps people explore how they feel, the whys and why nots of their situation then it might help them reconcile what they need to do / want to do. All the affairs happen for different reasons, and while I don't think you can'excuse' an affair lightly due to the hurt it causes, I also don't think life is a straightforward as 'happily ever after' would have it. I know a friend whose husband had an affair (while she was pregnant, and having moved here from a different country - the OW's husband was working overseas) and she and her husband are still together. I very much respect her & him for getting over it and moving on.

There are countless threads on MN discussing exactly this - how immoral affairs are.
And so I apologise for my own lack of insight and empathy. I've said repeatedly that I was thinking irrationally and was rather delusional.

Thanks to onetwoflea for your post.
And not all affairs DO cause hurt. Mine didn't.

My partner and I started out as an affair. My ex found out, his ex I guess had suspicions but she never really knew about it.

We were very young at the time, 21/22 and I suppose at the time I found it easy because my ex lived far away and I only saw him once a month.

I have always felt guilty and not right about how we got together. We are older and wiser now and I know I would never do that again. I still feel awful when I think about my ex and my partner's ex and it was 8 years ago.

So why not leave the marriage HollyWillabooby? Or leave the affair?

It's not fair to do both.

And DH doesn't suspect, he thinks he has a perfect wife.

That is sad. He lies there at night next to you thinking you're together and all is well, yet in reality your mind is elsewhere.

Happened to me when I was in a long term relationship,years ago. I found out my gf was cheating (with a friend ). I was devastated, but at least had the knowledge of what was happening and could take back control of my own life. I moved out, rented a room, spent a few weeks driking too much and weeping to soppy songs (yes, we men do that too. Did you know?), then got on with it.

But the main thing was it was MY choice.

Holly, the only place I discussed my affair, both when I was married and afterwards, was an online message board that was supportive and moderated to remove the 'you're all as bad as animal torturers' stuff. That enabled us to focus on the issues at hand. One of the most frequenly discussed topics was the subject of leaving the marriage. And not leaving just to be with OM/OW but leaving to give both spouses the opportunity for a new life apart where there was no deceit. I never read a single post there where someone regretted leaving their marriage. And many marriages were similar to how you describe yours, they weren't all awful situations at all.
I'm really sorry you find yourself in such a horrible dilemma.

I think one of the reasons I keep myself so fat is so I won't have an affair.

There, I've said it.

I've built a life where I am a very moral person, but deep down I'm just as human as everybody else and in an unhappy marriage. I think being fat and not paying attention to my appearance is my way of avoiding tempation, because I'm scared of what I'll do if I ever get tempted.

Unfortunately, to get the relationship you dream of you have to leave the safety of the one you have. And its not easy. There are no guarentees.

I didnt have a choice, because my anger at my ex ex really made it for me. BUT I can honestly say, after about 3 years of struggling with the fallout, I am much, much happier than I ever was whilst living in half a marriage.

I now have a wonderful partner who I expect to grow old with, and I dont live my life under a cloud of suspicion, feeling sad that my partner doesnt seem to love me the way they used to. I shudder to think that I might have spent the rest of my life with someone who didnt love me any more

JeanB . Why are you hurting yourself? You get ONE life, don't waste it being unhappy more often than you are happy.

But by having an affair, you're NOT trying your best Holly.

I'm not judging you, I said, I had an affair as well. But I know that it will never bring happiness.