ow sending my dh birthday card

[devilsadvocaat]

Back story here
m.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1366841-what-do-I-do-now?reverse=1#thread

After going through a complete breakdown of our relationship, we've managed to put that stuff behind us and are slowly rebuilding our relationship.

I unpacked the car and ow had given him a birthday card at work. Fairly uninteresting message about being old.

Why? Does she think that's ok?
Why did he even bring it home?

Oh dear. Ask him those questions.

What I'd be more concerned about. Is not her. But why you husband did not have the balls to say, how inappropriate it was, and refuse to accept it. But then he did so then lied to you by omission and hid it. As you've had to find it yourself.

Not exactly open and honest of him is it? Or reaffirming boundaries?

You may have put it behind you but he hasn't and she hasn't. Sorry.

Well given that he blamed you for his affair and wouldn't talk about it either, putting the blame for that as well on you for 'not getting past it' I can virtually guarantee that if you confront him about the card he will say the following:

"Oh I knew you'd kick off about it, so it wasn't worth the arguments and endless questions about it. I didn't keep it as a souvenir, I just forgot to put it in the rubbish. It's just a card FFS.....you know, colleagues do actually send each other cards"

and so on and so on until if you're of very low esteem, you won't realise you're being manipulated and will start to feel like a paranoid obsessive.

How on earth did you manage to 'put that stuff behind you' so soon after he was behaving like a spoilt child who'd had his toy removed only a few short months ago?

she is so marking her territory! And he is being a complete idiot for bringing it home.

I'd be very very dubious about any moving on and putting it behind you, cos he is not committing to that at all.

It's not about the bringing home that's the problem. It's as House has said, his acceptance of the card in the first place. He obviously lacked the balls to say to the OW "No, anything beyond the professional is inappropriate between us now and so I can't accept this card". Followed by mentioning this exchange to his wife afterwards.

Unless the affair is ongoing, I doubt this card had any sentimental value tbh. I think he just stuffed it in the car after work and probably intended to get rid of it at some point. Why he's still working with her at all is another conundrum and is no doubt yet another thing the OP's had to swallow.

Well he is either still into her and wanted to keep the card.

Or so far past it, it honestly didn't cross his mind that it would still be an issue.

I do think the latter is a possibility for the unsentimental of which I am one.

Having read the other thread, my guess is that this particular twunt likes to blame everyone else for what happens to him and so when the OW sent him a card he thought "Oh silly cow, what did she do that for? I'm now going to have to get rid of it if there's not going to be an almighty row" and then put it in the car and being lazy and not clearing up after himself, left it there and promptly forgot all about it.

"Or so far past it, it honestly didn't cross his mind that it would still be an issue."

He doesn't get to be "so far past it" when the person he betrayed is still in agony over his betrayal.

That's not being "unsentimental", it's being a self-absorbed twat.

It's his birthday so no confrontations today.
I have sent her a text saying that I am upset about the card. That I think it's inappropriate and that they're friendship ended when they over stepped that boundary in December.

Why can't she just leave him alone?
I feel so sad that all these feelings are getting dragged up again.

I'm really trying to keep it together.

She's leaving the job in July.

oh so long as he has a nice birthday.

really OP?? really?

We had an argument about the card yesterday. There's not a lot left to say.
I've told him how I feel about it.

I wouldn't give a shit if it was his birthday. Why are blaming her for not leaving him alone. He is a grown man and could have told her it was inappropriate. Its not just her fault. Its his as well.
He just have refused it, or if she left it for him and he couldn't tell her no. He could have put it in the bin then come home and told you. There is only one way to build trust and its to be honest.

I'm not solely blaming her.
What he did was worse because he's married, she isn't.

I'm trying to understand why she gave him a card, knowing I'd find out. Is she trying to hurt me? Or trying to show me something?

I've spoken to him yesterday and text her today.

Why is it not ok for me to be angry with her too? I don't get it. She was a friend of us both and she is hurting me with her actions.

I won't :(

I guess I thought she may not realise the hurt she caused. Especially as dh brushed the whole thing under the carpet.

Maybe she was trying to continue on as normal, before this. I have got birthday cards for a few people at work. Men and women. Or maybe she was hoping you would find it.
You are allowed to be angry at her. But your words were 'why can't she leave him alone.' if he handled it better it wouldn't matter what she did. Some people just like to cause problems, maybe she is one of these. But just because she wants to cause trouble doesn't mean it has to mean trouble.
I have to ask. Do you really think its over between them?

I have no idea.

I think she probably wouldn't have sent the card if they were having an affair.

I think really what I mean is:

Why can't she leave me alone?

I ended up in a meeting with her and she kept touching my arm, directing questions to me, laughing loudly at any joke I made. She kept joining conversations I was in and hanging around at the end when she didn't need to.