ow sending my dh birthday card

[devilsadvocaat]

Back story here
m.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1366841-what-do-I-do-now?reverse=1#thread

After going through a complete breakdown of our relationship, we've managed to put that stuff behind us and are slowly rebuilding our relationship.

I unpacked the car and ow had given him a birthday card at work. Fairly uninteresting message about being old.

Why? Does she think that's ok?
Why did he even bring it home?

Why were you in a meeting with her?
If you think she isn't likely to send it if it was still carrying on (and you know her better) then she may have been trying to act like she would have done if nothing happened.

It's okay to be angry with her, both for having an affair with your husband and also for sending the card.

Not a good idea to let her know she's still got the power to hurt you and definitely not a good idea to stay with someone who's managed to brush his affair under the carpet and still has no clue about boundaries and trust. Tomorrow is Father's Day - does he get another day without confronting this then?

I think most of your anger should be with him and also yourself for staying with someone who hasn't learnt a thing.

I think I'd be more angry with my husband for keeping it, than at her for sending it. Why didn't your DH either throw it, or decline it when she tried to give it to him?

I totally underhand why your angry with her too though, the bare faced cheek of it.

I also think that by texting her, you have kind of engineered another opportunity for her to approach your DH... She will be like 'I'm sorry I offended your wife, I didn't mean any offence... blar blar blar'. If she is pursuing him, she will try and come out of this in the best light possible, and try and make herself look as reasonable as possible too. If your DH also doesn't think the card was a 'big deal', then it gives them common ground. I don't know, does your DH understand why you are upset about the card??

We work in neighbouring schools so meetings with her happen unfortunately.

DH doesn't get why I'm upset about the card.

I've already had a massive argument with him about it yesterday. I have already confronted him! Unfortunately we were both very drunk.

Thanks everyone for posting. Sorry if I haven't replied to You all!

"DH doesn't get why I'm upset about the card."

That's because he doesn't give a shit and just wants you to shut the fuck up.

You really need to leave this guy. He treats you like shit.

It does sound like your banging your head against a brick wall trying to get him to care

Honestly, he does get it. He doesn't care. Like he didn't care if you found it. Like she doesn't care it was inappropriate to send him it. You really need to decide you are going to spend the rest of your life with a man who doesn't get how you feel or doesn't care.

i no what i do with the card.its how you want to handle things that matters trust will always play a part in your relationship you either put up with things or get out of it.dont put up with the shit.

Have you both been to counciling?

It sounds a very unhealthy relationship you have there. You perfer to talk about her than him. To me it sounds like you are trying to force her away instead of concentration on your husband and relationship because she will leave and you can feel good about that but your husband ignores you and you cant change him.

Untill you sort your relationship with yourself out then your husband i realy dont think any of it matters cos it will happen again.

What did your husband say to your question why did you accept it and bring hit home to show me?

Just had another chat. He says he just picked up the card with his other cards.

I'm so tired of thinking about them together. I feel like a broken woman today.

He's gonna be so cross when he finds out I texted her. I have more meetings with her coming up too.

I have had counselling recently bec of something else.
Luckily the sessions began in February and really helped me to deal with this too.

He's not interested in therapy.

Things had been much better between us so I felt we were moving on.

He's going to be cross with you? He really is a piece of work isn't he?

She sounds like a cow tbh and he sounds like he doesn't understand how you are feeling so you need to keep telling him until he gets it.

Crikey, this bloke's really done a number on you love.

He'll be cross?

He's 'not interested in therapy'?

He's not much interested in putting this right at all is he?

I expect things only 'got better' because you shut the fuck up and stopped asking him questions and asking to talk about his affair.....

In a perfect world we would not be angry at the OW and just at the DH as its their responsibility as its their marriage but in RL we don't always think straight so I think its a bit harsh to blame the OP for texting the OW.

I would be livid at DH if he did something like that but may well confront the OW if I saw her especially if she was a friend due to my emotional side. One of my friends always used to say she had quite low expectations of men but if one of her friends betrayed her she would consider it much much worse! Not sure I fully agree but you can what she means and its not necessarily one sided especially if the OW knows the DW.

I agree that it is very poor show on his part as he could have dealt with this so much better but rather than thinking that he doesn't care etc he may have genuinely been not bothered at all by receiving the card or thought how stupid she was for sending it. He should have said something though!

ooh after reading that Sternface I feel I may be being a bit too kind on the DH. I just feel that it is easy to completely blame the DH but actually sometimes the DW needs to be a bit more forceful about what they want out of a relationship too.

Why are you with a man who does not respect your feelings?

He refuses to go to therapy.

He is accepting cards from OW despite your feelings.

He makes you feel like a broken woman.

I would seriously think about why you are putting up with him.

If this guy gave a rats arse about your feelings he would have binned that card upon receipt. He may have even contacted her to say that it wasn't appropriate.

Instead he not only kept it, he brought the fucker HOME.

THAT to me is rubbing YOUR nose in it.

You need to go HARD CORE on his arse first and tell him the facts of life that he:

• GOES to therapy OR you are FINISHED.
• He TELLS that woman to fuck the fuck off - OR you are FINISHED

THEN, as she was your friend, you tell HER that if she comes near you or your family again you will NOT maintain your dignity and you will tell EVERYFUCKINGONE what she is and what she did.

The line you would use in the meeting when she touches your arm and laughs at every joke you make is this (in a quiet slow deliberate toned voice)

"Don't you dare think that you can lay your hands on me or blow smoke up my behind as you did to shag my husband.

HE may have the taste and morals of a sewer rat, but I, on the other hand do NOT, touch me again and I will FLOOR you, GOT IT?"

No more MrsNiceDevilsaAdvocaat, OK?

i completely 2nd what TheHappyHissy has said

Its almost as if he wanted a kick off....fuckin drama queening it.....

she is not your friend, and never has been by the sounds of it.

Its time to stop acting the victim and grab your bollocks back lovey.....

Do not let them think they can run rings around you.

When you found the card was it with the others, or had he removed it. If he had he was fully aware it was there.
I really think you need to rethink your marriage. He doesn't care about your feelings, won't consider therapy, is still hiding things and will be angry with you because you have told ow her actions were inappropriate. Really think about it. Its not good for you.

This is probably terrible advice so flame away, but if you work in neighbouring schools and have to have meetings together, and she:

a) has had an affair with your husband
b) is still trying to keep contact with your husband and
c) is behaving in such a way when you meet professionally that you feel extremely uncomfortable

. . . I'd suggest you approach your line manager/head teacher and say you find it difficult to do your job because of the situation she keeps putting you in. In other words, cause her a bit of trouble.

The ow may well be leaving her job in July but I honestly don't think she'll be leaving your H's life .
In fact I would bet that they are either still seeing each other or their affair will very probably start back up again before long , sorry to say .
Your H hasn't got an ounce of respect for you , you should fuck him off if you want to be free to find someone else who will care for you , if you stay with this knob then prepare for nothing but misery and upset from him .

You deserve better !