ow sending my dh birthday card

[devilsadvocaat]

Back story here
m.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1366841-what-do-I-do-now?reverse=1#thread

After going through a complete breakdown of our relationship, we've managed to put that stuff behind us and are slowly rebuilding our relationship.

I unpacked the car and ow had given him a birthday card at work. Fairly uninteresting message about being old.

Why? Does she think that's ok?
Why did he even bring it home?

OP I am very sorry for the shit your h has put you through but you REALLY need to grow a pair.

Your h has zero respect for you.

Like a naughty child whose mother is making idle threats, he knows he can say and do what he likes. There be no consequences for him - in fact you will actually reframe it, delude yourself, in order to allow yourself to stay with him. You tell yourself you have worked through your problems and 'put that stuff behind us', you tell yourself nothing happened with OW, you tell yourself this birthday card is some kind of proof they can't be carrying on?

Don't send her pleading texts to ask her to stay away from your husband! She should be shaking in her fucking boots that you are on to her.

What do you want to do here? What do you want to happen? You can't force your h to respect you or care about your feelings, do you understand that?

I really love him.
I don't know what to say to you all.
I'm not strong enough to drag all this stuff up again.

I just want us to be together.

Then you need to learn to ignore his affairs then along with the love tokens of other women to your husband and accept you have a onesided open relationship.

As long as you are together and happy then thats all that matters.

Good luck for the future and take care of your self.

(pls use a condom to protect your sexual healthy everytime you have sex with your husband)

Sadly it appears DA that HE doesn't want to be together with you badly enough.

Get angry, you have EVERY right. You are worth SO much better than him.

It's not about dragging this stuff up again, it was never dealt with, he just hoped you would just STFU and get on with life as it was, brushing it all under the carpet and all well and good.

It's not. He has NO interest in making this work, he has made NO effort in trying to heal the betrayal he committed against you. She is STILL taking the piss out of you TO YOUR FACE and via him and you are NOT standing up for yourself.

Be strong NOW.

I just want us to be together. If that is what you want but are not going to make him do the work to want that properly as well.

Then you have to learn to live with him sleeping with anyone else he feels like your friends or not.

That he will bring home their gifts.

That he will look at you and not give a shit that your heart is breaking into tiny pieces every time he goes off for a little bit elsewhere.

That one day when this (he) has ground every inch of who or what you are into tiny bits of dust he will leave you without a care or backward glance for someone else.

Then you will be alone physically and emotionally and he will not care. Just as emotionally you are already alone and he does not care.

You really love him....what a shame that is not reciprocated

You don't know what to say to us.... you don't need to explain your actions to anyone but yourself and your children, but be sure they will ask you "why" at some point.

You are not strong enough....he knows this and is exploiting you

You really want to be together .... to the exclusion of your peace of mind and the happiness of yourself and your children, good luck with that.

If thats how you feel then you need to learn to live with what he does and ignore his indiscretions otherwise it will drive you insane.

At the end of the day you know the score and you know what he's like so its your decision alone. If you are truly happy then nothing anyone else says matters.

Well then ultimately, you just have to live with it.

If all you want is to be with him, then that's your call and your life. But it's clear he dosent actually care much for you, and can't be honest. So you just have accept the fact this is what he does and put up with the reminders. That's the
price of being with him.

You do have to be wary though as one poster has pointed out. These types, who clearly don't have any respect for their wives, or love. The kind who's wives turn a blind eye, just because they are their world. They do eventually meet someone who they fall for. Then the partner who stuck by them is left high and dry.

Then you need to learn to live with all this baggage and only ever having a small part of him. I wish you luck and happiness.

Cheaters who didn't have to fight hard to win back the betrayed partner will never appreciate what they have now.

Sadly your approach means you need to be prepared for the fact that he will leave you one day for someone else.

Apart from 'get rid', what do you want me to do?

I have shouted, been angry, told him again that he's not to have any social contact with her. She over stepped the mark with the card but I have no proof that he has done anything wrong since we decided to move on from Christmas.

Apart from bringing the card home which was a bit thick to say the least.

Devilsadvocaat don't you see. There are only 2 choices, get rid or put up and shut up. These are the only options he is leaving you because he is not accepting responsibility for his actions; he is blaming you; he sees no reason to change.

You can't do anything about his behaviour, you can only change your own behaviour or responses.

Only loss will make him realise what is at stake.

But you won't consider this option.

You will just have to put up with this crap.

You could look at ways of building your life and improving your self esteem via work, hobbies, training, friends and also through counselling. That way you do not rely on him too much for your happiness and is much stronger next time he has an affair.

"Apart from 'get rid', what do you want me to do?"

Just read the responses. We want to stop shouting, stop getting upset and scrabbling around trying to get back to normal.

We want you to embrace the new place you are in and get FUCKING ANGRY. He already needed to have told her to fuck off. he hasn't. YOU told her to fuck off, she hasn't. So now you need to tell her again - publicly. Ideally IN THE MEETING if she plays that silly bint game, and you need to come out fighting.

He is NOT taking responsibility for this. Bringing that card home is not just thick, it's malicious, and you have to see this.

She overstepped the mark, HE should have dealt with it and he should have binned it. He didn't, he brought that shit to your doorstep.

You can't get BACK to normal, you can't get back to anything, you both have to understand that the relationship PRE-affair is OVER, you are now in POST -affair marriage. It can be BETTER after the affair than it was before, but that takes work, commitment, responsibility and a lot of him eating humble and creep-crawly pie.

All you can do its try to move forward together, with full honesty, full accountability and responsibility. He has to work day and night to win back your trust and to apologise and make amends.

Bringing a ffing card home from his bit on the side is NOT the way forward, it's an UNFORGIVABLE error.

Tell him to tell YOU why you should put up with him and his shit? why is it that YOU have to sit in a meeting with this 'woman' taking the piss out of you and you just take it for the greater good? Ask him to explain that to you in words of one syllable cos you can't quite get it yourself.

couldnt have said it better cards are a rip of anyways.

Op i would suggest that you start keeping a diary or journal of your feeling, events and what you dh said and does and your hopes and dreams. Write in the journal everyday. After 3 months go back to the begining and reread it and write down any changes or developments you notice or themes running throut it. Repeat for another three months. Then change the i and me to the third person and reread. What advice would you give that person?

I would not txt or talk to the OW again because by doing so you give her power and a place in your life. Act like she is just another person and ignore her as much as possible. If you have to talk to her be cool as ice and dont talk about anything personal.

Drop the whole issues with your dh for a few months and dont talk about her dont check up on her or him. Dont look at his phone. Just concentate on you. Do what you want and that makes you happy. Get new friends join new groups classes get a new hobby - build your self confidence up.

When you feel better about yourself and in a good place go to relate on your own and take the journal with you.

Then look at your husbands behaviour surounding the affair and after. Then make desisions on what you see.

Yep - if you want to be with him then this is how it's going to be. Since you don't seem to like it (you wouldn't be posting if you did), I suggest you explore alternatives to being with him.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even respect you.

You're absolutely right.
I have spoken to him again about the card. I told him he should have said to her that he can't take it as it would be upsetting for me and inappropriate.

He agreed and said that he respects the way I've handled the situation. He said he genuinely doesn't like her or have anything to do with her at work.

I said I think it's strange that, given what has happened, she sent a card. I said about what she was like in the meeting and how stressful I've found it. He said he doesn't understand why she is being like she is but that if the tables were turned, he wouldn't be as restrained as me.

I've specifically told her that he is not allowed to have any contact with her. ASide work commitments.

I do need to stop checking his phone and start concentrating on myself.

MY self confidence is so low at the moment.

"i told her that he is not allowed to have any contact with her"

If i was OW i would PMSL at that. Your dh is an adult and you cant allow him or not. You also cant tell another human being what to do but she could call the police on you for harrsent.

It needs to be your husband that does not want to have contact to save his marrage not you telling other people not to play with him!

Its not about her, it.could have been anyone that give your dh the opperunity. The reason why he didnt say "no im married". Why he had the affair. That is where your fouce needs to be.

What if another women comes along that fancys your husband? Are you 100% sure he would say no thanks?

Its not the OW thats the problem its your husband.

"He said he geninaly doesn't like her"

Do you think he is just saying what he thinks you want to hear?

I agree with Air. Your DH is the one who should be monitoring his own behaviour and establishing boundaries - not you. You can't be with him 24/7.

If he really does not like her, why did he accept the card and why did he bring it home instead of binning it? He has a lot of thinking to do and until he addresses these and his own failings, nothing will change and he will always be vulnerable to another affair.

You need to stop policing your husband and start giving him some space to take responability for his own behaviour.

Be prepared to be let down again before you move on :(

Thanks for all your responses.
I'm finding all the advice helpful. Another perspective etc.

I do love him. I believe he loves me. I want things to work, even if that makes me look like a mug, this is where I am right now.

I want my life back. I don't trust him, only he can change that and it will take time. That's the worst thing about her sending that card. BAck to square one.