ow sending my dh birthday card

[devilsadvocaat]

Back story here
m.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1366841-what-do-I-do-now?reverse=1#thread

After going through a complete breakdown of our relationship, we've managed to put that stuff behind us and are slowly rebuilding our relationship.

I unpacked the car and ow had given him a birthday card at work. Fairly uninteresting message about being old.

Why? Does she think that's ok?
Why did he even bring it home?

You didnt get of step one cos he is not earning your trust back.

Its ok to love him. That does not make you a mug. Its ok to give your all to make it work. Stop bringing the OW into it. Your husband accepted the card and took it home. He is the one that needs to earn the trust back by talking to you answering all your questions when you have them and by having no contact with the OW by his own choice.

You should give him the freedom to choose the right thing for himself.

You cant force someone to love you and you should not accept second best.

You can't make your marriage work with just your desire to make it so. I'm sorry OP, but your desperation to stay with your husband will not manifest itself into any sort of real life resolution. It takes two to sort out a marriage. And that needs to be mostly him.

Seems like he isn't in the slightest bit interested. Do something for YOU. Start getting back your self respect. Throw him out.

THe ow needed to be told to back off as she seems to think it's ok to have a friendship with dh.

I don't really care whether other people think that's not cool. it's done now and I have no intention of contacting her again.

She does need to know that and I don't really know that many peple who wouldn't have done the same thing TBH! BUT in an ideal world he should have told her that as he is the one who has the responsibility to you not her.

Good luck with everything, hopefully some of the advice on here will give you extra confidence in dealing with things.

No, its your husband who has to tell OW to back off - not you.

OW needs to understand from him that its definitely over.

She probably now believes you are the vindictive crazed wife. She also may think husband wants to continue the affair.

He may be telling you pretty things but remember actions speak louder than words. His actions are not backing up what's he saying

Yes, but she needs to be told by him.

I wouldn't be restrained in your position when she touches you during a meeting. I would let her have it then and tell her to get her hands off me.

Your husband, though, needs to be the one to tell her to shove her card up her bum.

The message for her to back off means NOTHING coming from you.

Unless and until your husband gives her the message, she has no reason at all to believe it.

Knowing that his wife has banned him from contacting her is worse than ambivalence from him - it gives her good reason to think that he still wants her and will come back to her eventually.

(and she might well be right)

I am sorry but you telling her to back off and stop being friends with your H is meaningless. Do you know the contents of their conversations and that he hasn't said to her we can still be friends? If he has done that you are just going to look like a nutter.

Countless woman have probably told countless OW to back off. As soon as the H looks/smiles/chats/carries on with them behind the wife's back then she just looks like a pathetic loser.

If he doesn't want to be friends with her or have her give him birthday cards he needs to be the one refusing to accept them and acknowledge her.

You cannot get your old life back. That is gone, it was destroyed by your H's lies. You could have a new stronger relationship built back up from scratch. Not with a man who refuses to deal with or acknowledge anything though. Good luck.

so look at it from her pov;

He said wife found out so it has to stop.

You tell her to back off from him

They chat in work and are friends and she gives him a birthday card. He smile at her and said thanks and then takes the card home.

She thinks they are friends - you just dont like it but you dont own him. And they continue to chat and email at work and are friends maybe.

She thinks its ok cos your husband lets her think its ok.

Air, I think that's exactly right.

How hard would it have been for him to put the card in the bin in front of her and told her he was going home to his wife?

Does your husband see the difference?

He just doesn't think about me first.
When I pointed it out to him, he could understand.

That's just him tho. He's not great at thinking outside himself. He's very thick skinned and lives in a bubble in his head.

HE is a great person and husband in many other ways tho. HIs sympathy chip is not very well tuned.

I wonder if she'll talk to him about it?
If she tells him and he goes mental at me, I'll be reconsidering my options.

He's not great at thinking outside himself. He's very thick skinned and lives in a bubble in his head

We call this selfishness.

Until he addresses this flaw, he will cheat again.

Forget about her. She is no longer your friend. She cant help you.

You need to cut all contact with the OW that means both of you.

Get her out of your head. If it is this hard for you how hard is it for your husband?

I would be so insulted if anyone thout that another woman had more sway with my husband than me. His wife.

So you didn't tell him you'd contacted her?

Then you've created a very dangerous dynamic. The OW now has the ability to ambush him with information you've kept hidden from him. You expect him to be angry with you about this after all, although why you think he's got a right to be angry god only knows. He'll be angrier still if he hears this from the OW and not you.

Please don't try to persuade yourself that this is fixed and that your relationship is repaired. It's so obviously not. It will survive only if you stop mentioning the affair and putting your head in the sand about the kind of man you're married to.

But it won't be a good marriage.

More importantly, you will continue to lose touch with your authentic self.

Losing yourself is far more serious than losing a relationship.

"He agreed and said that he respects the way I've handled the situation.

He said he genuinely doesn't like her or have anything to do with her at work. This rings MASSIVE RED FLAG WEARING BELLS FOR ME. If this were really the case, she'd know it and she wouldn't dream of approaching him.

I said I think it's strange that, given what has happened, she sent a card.
I said about what she was like in the meeting and how stressful I've found it.

He said he doesn't understand why she is being like she is but that if the tables were turned, he wouldn't be as restrained as me."

His agreement and respecting the way you have handled this? - If that were a contrite and sorry man he'd be saying a lot more than I agree and I respect your decorum FFS. he'd be apologising from here to eternity.

My instinct tells me that this is still going on behind your back and the card is HER way of telling you. her behaviour in the meeting only serves to strengthen my belief that your H is still lying to you.

If this was OVER, he'd be ANGRY at her for the card, he'd bin it without thinking and in fact he wouldn't have even allowed her the space to think she could give him a card.

If I were you I'd consult a solicitor pronto and tell him that I think it's time to consider our options. THAT ought to re-focus his dick mind.

If he finds out that you have spoken to her to tell her to back the fuck off... you will know that all that he said to you is bollocks and they are still together.

Well he hasn't mentioned it so I guess she hasn't told him.

How do you feel about that?

If she doesn't tell him and steps back, it would make me feel a lot better.

I hate feeling like she's disrespectful to me.

I know I shouldn't care but I do.

I liked her before all this kicked off.

I don't know, I know you say I shouldn't think about her but it's important to me that she knows how her actions are effecting me.

I think my husband has been so keen to pretend that nothing has happened that it has made her feel like everything is fine between us all.

that's where I am right now...

How do you want to move forward?

What do you need from OW?

Good question.

I want her to stop being so familiar with me, like nothing happened.

And to stop acting like they are still friends.

HOw do you rebuild trust in a marriage?

It's up to him.

You can't rebuild the trust yourself - it has to be him doing ALL the work on rebuilding your trust.

They are acting like friends because they probably still are friendly with each other. I don't think your husband has made it clear to her that he has ended the affair and that he wants to stop all contact.

I really would suggest you buying Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends or Linda MacDonald's How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair.

Imo start by reading the above books.
And for me personally by starting all over again. Would you start dating a man that cheated on his wife? Would you date a man that treats you the way your husband does?

But it only matters what you think.

How do you think you rebuild the trust in your relationship?

How does your husband think he can rebuild the trust and care in the relationship?

What was missing in your relationship for him to have the affair in the first place?