Very tearful, DH aggressive attitude

[Rennie12]

In a nutshell. I told my DH of 21 years today I've had enough of him being a bully.
He's taken it badly and now I'm wondering if his behaviour isn't too bad and I've been harsh with him.
We have 4 DC's all teenagers and they're not bad kids at all. DC1 suffers from anxiety and I'm not sure of DH has been the trigger.
It is not what he says to the kids ie tidy your room, turn you lights off, stop pestering the dog etc. I agree with him It's the way he says it. He really shouts at the kids and speaks to my oldest like he hates him. He doesn't like him I know. I am constantly on edge about the way he treats DC1 as I just want him to get better.
He criticises me all the time from the moment I get up. ie why are you loading the dishwasher like that? etc And never says thank you.
I make him a cup of tea every morning and that really gets on my nerves,( I've told him I'd like a cup of tea sometimes)Hhe won't get out of bed and make me one and just lies there while I get everyone off to school.
He really shouted at my 19yr old last night for being silly with the dog and his best friend was here! I was in bed asleep and he woke me up with the shouting.
He shouts a lot and he knows I don't like him doing it to the kids. He is grumpy and has fallen out with most people.
I'm so tearful now, as I wish I'd told him his behaviour was unacceptable and not that he was a bully.
Don't know what to do. Don't know what I want anyone to say. I'm just shaking. He's gone out.

You don't have to live like this, you can make him leave, and you don't need any more reasons, because you have plentyy

You haven't been too harsh. I think you have gradually become numb to his behaviour.
Shouting at a child all the time as if he hates him is bad, especially as that young person has anxiety.
Criticising you all the time is bad.

You are right to say whatever makes him understand that his behaviour is shit

Give yourself and your dc a happier life without this man...

My dc told me yesterday that they are so much happier these last 3 1/2 years with their df not living with them anymore.
Don't get me wrong they are still in contact with their df and my dd still stays some weekends with her df and they love him. (my dd 14 came home recently from one of her weekends saying I don't know how you lived that long with that man).

Our home is now calm, relaxing and a lovely place to be ( well in between the teenage stromps).

Ps my exh was EA too and controlling and shouted and was never EVER happy!!!

What do you mean he took it badly?
How has he reacted?

Not that it makes a difference to his behaviour, but are the kids just yours or is your dh their dad?

It's unacceptable behaviour.

My Dad was a little bit like this, but by the time I was a teenager I was laughing at him and just thought he wa a fool. I think my Mum fostered this attitude towards it. I was about 13 when he came down the stairs yelling about the dishwasher and I laughed and said 'what you going to do -hit me?' he didn't do it so much after that. He was having an awful time at work and on blood pressure meds which made him feel crap, so I had a little sympathy and,crucially, i knew he would never be violent-we weren't smacked as kids so I suppose I wasn't scared.

Shouting at a 19 yrold is just mental-I can't remember how long it's been since someone shouted at me because I'm an adult just like your 19 yrold.

Do you never confront it? I can't imagine watching my dh shout at/belittle my anxious child and not say something. Are you scared of him?
Do you want to stay with him?
Has he always been like this?

As bullying is totally unacceptable, if you've told him he's a bully you've implied that he's behaving in an unacceptable manner and I can't see why your crying over the terminology - unless, of course, you've become accustomed to walking on eggshells by not saying anything that could cause the self-entitled twunt him to visit even more of his wrath on you and the dc?

You owe it to your dc not to put up with this shit any longer.

They are our children. I do confront him as I feel I am quite a strong person most of the time and this never went on in my home when I was growing up. So I am secure in myself if you know what I mean.
However I hate his reaction when I confront him as he shouts even more and I don't want our house to be a war zone. So I walk away.
I'm not scared of him but I do worry how he treats the kids when I'm not in . I have to go out tonight so the kids will be in when he gets home and he's already said to DC3 mum thinks I'm a bully, she wants to show me the door.
I'm not sure about leaving as it's so drastic, I can't get my head round it and the kids will be more upset I think.
He has got worse as he's got older. Had a slight temper when we were first married but it's worse. He can be nice sometimes. But he's hard to like at the moment. I want the best for my kids. Am not really sure what I want.
When I told him he was a bully he went silent, which he just doesn't do, then he told my DC3 what I'd said to him.
Thank you for posting and caring.

At what point are you going to put your children first? I feel so sorry for them and yet you just feel sorry for their abuser.

You do have choices, you know.

The reason I asked is that you refer to them as your children. Is that how ot feels for you?

Telling the dc what you said is despicable . Patently he just wants to use them as weapons against you.

You called him a bully because he is one, simple as that.

He is being unfair to involve any of your children in what you have just discussed with him.... He is looking for confirmation from your DC3 that he's not that way, he's out of order in doing this because of course any child, if feeling under pressure or scared they will get a bollocking will say "no Dad, of course not " He should speak with you, THE ADULT, not the kids.

I always thought I'd put the children first but I suppose I'm not.
I don't allow him to behave this way. I always pick up on it. But he does say oh you're always on the children's side. Oh course I am! I just haven't left as I'm not sure if it's the right thing. DC2 would be heartbroken.
I was thinking of counselling or something as leaving seems so drastic.
They do feel like our kids don't know why I said my kids.
I want to do the right thing and leaving is HUGE.

perhaps have a look at the links on the top of this thread emotional abuse support thread 9

your DH sounds very much like an emotional abuser and there are many ways of dealing with it...but more importantly you need to show your DC VERY QUICKLY that this is not acceptable behaviour towards you or them. It is damaging theoir view of themselves and of "normal" expectations in relationships. they are in danger of being abused in the future or abusing.

your oldest DS worries me, harm has been done to this poor boy/man. he needs some help and perhaps counselling plus some megga support from you ( you could have a talk with "young minds they were very helpful with my DC.

I was with someone just like this my DC were younger, I left...it was the best thing I ever did and the hardest. My son no longer has huge anxiety isssues, is well adjusted and now achieves at school.......

This is an awful way to live, treading on eggshells. You said it like it is. Imagine yourself talking to him like that (try it?? - see what it sounds like). Imagine videoing him talking to you like that. Would he be able to see what you see?

My dad became grumpy, irritable and shouty when he was starting with a depressive episode - could it be that? Whether it is or it isn't, your job is not to accept the status quo. If he is acting out his emotions on everyone around him he needs to accept that that needs to change. I feel very very sorry for your DC's. I was in my 20s when this started with my dad and not at home. I can imagine the effect this would have had on me if I were younger and at home.

he is a bully to the kids and you. He sounds like a twat tbh. Does he have any redeeming features? You (and the kids) would be better off without him.
But if you don't want to leave I would try counselling.
He didn't say anything because he knows its true. He said it to the dc sp the dc would feel sorry for poor daddy and you would feel guilty. Which you do. He is manipulating you.

But the fact tat you cannot sit down with him and say 'you shout all the time and it is horrible. You need to stop it' without him walking away and make sundae remarks to your dc instead of responding to you is ridiculous.

Do the two of you not talk about things?

Sundae remarks?

snide remarks

Him talking to his children about you is nasty and manipulative.

I have to go out now, but will paint a clearer picture of DH tomorrow, as I'd never thought of it as emotional abuse. I will know more about how he's reacted when he gets home tonight.
I am very worried about DS1. I love him to bits and if it was just him and myself, I would leave, but I have the others to consider and he isn't as bad with them.
It's so difficult talking to DH as he just shouts and can't see there's anything wrong. Does he have any redeeming features? Well he's kind sometimes and works hard. Actually he's OK when the kids aren't around.

The fact that he's not as bad to the others makes it even worse for your DS1. The fact that this continues for the sake of not upsetting them is a double kick in the teeth for him.

I'm not sure if this book has been recommended yet but Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that" Would be very very helpful for you and may help you see the wood from the trees. Cannot recommend it enough.

It's so horrible that he picks on and displays his hate for DS1. Imagine how much that childs self esteem will be crushed. It's not enough to throw him to the lions because your H is ok with the others. That's a terrible state of affairs. The poor lad is being made the sacrificial lamb of the family.

It's not good enough to throw him to the lions, is what I meant.