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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very tearful, DH aggressive attitude

106 replies

Rennie12 · 14/06/2012 17:49

In a nutshell. I told my DH of 21 years today I've had enough of him being a bully.
He's taken it badly and now I'm wondering if his behaviour isn't too bad and I've been harsh with him.
We have 4 DC's all teenagers and they're not bad kids at all. DC1 suffers from anxiety and I'm not sure of DH has been the trigger.
It is not what he says to the kids ie tidy your room, turn you lights off, stop pestering the dog etc. I agree with him It's the way he says it. He really shouts at the kids and speaks to my oldest like he hates him. He doesn't like him I know. I am constantly on edge about the way he treats DC1 as I just want him to get better.
He criticises me all the time from the moment I get up. ie why are you loading the dishwasher like that? etc And never says thank you.
I make him a cup of tea every morning and that really gets on my nerves,( I've told him I'd like a cup of tea sometimes)Hhe won't get out of bed and make me one and just lies there while I get everyone off to school.
He really shouted at my 19yr old last night for being silly with the dog and his best friend was here! I was in bed asleep and he woke me up with the shouting.
He shouts a lot and he knows I don't like him doing it to the kids. He is grumpy and has fallen out with most people.
I'm so tearful now, as I wish I'd told him his behaviour was unacceptable and not that he was a bully.
Don't know what to do. Don't know what I want anyone to say. I'm just shaking. He's gone out.

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 02/07/2012 19:54

Have just found your thread Rennie and wanted to say how impressive you are! I was blown away with your idea that he should "apologise to the DCs" but I think it's a good move.

fedup2012 · 02/07/2012 20:49

Oh I do hope things work out for you Rennie. Keep us posted. There will others with better advice than I can offer. Did you speak to your Dad?

Original poster
Rennie12 · 02/07/2012 21:30

Hello fedup. No, I can't speak to my Dad. He is fairly old fashioned really and believes marriage is for life. He's also religious and I really don't want to upset him. He would worry about me if he knew. I have spoken to a friend though.
Thanks mushroom, it does sound impressive reading back, but I am so mad and so protective of my DCs and I just want them to realise he is wrong to get so angry. Plus if he doesn't like it, tough. What have I got to lose?

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 02/07/2012 21:51

Hi rennie, well done you. now you know and knowledge is strength.

For what it is worth i am also "religious" i also believe that marriage is for life, but you were not the one who broke the promises you made. marriage is a covenant, it's not just you who is responsible for keeping to the pact.

Sometime in the future, if it helps, or you think it would help your DF I have some resources (mostly for Biblical Evangelical or CofE or RC) that would look at this from a religious perspective.

Original poster
Rennie12 · 03/07/2012 09:59

Thanks fool. Up until a few weeks ago I thought my marriage would be for life and I guess this is what makes me so sad, I can see what's round the corner. Yes the books would definitely be helpful when it comes to it.
Anyway he went on and on about stock rotation in the fridge last night, I felt like bursting out laughing, no I don't like to waste food, but it went on to the fruit bowl and then the bread, oh it just gets so boring. This is the man who can't even be bothered to put his own plate in the dishwasher at night.
On the other hand my DC put her arms round him last night and it's then I start to feel guilty. He also offered to give DS1 a lift home from work at 1am without shouting from the rooftops he was doing it. He is trying to do something right I suppose.However he says he won't go to counselling.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 03/07/2012 10:20

^stock rotation in the fridge^ Shock

really?????? this is what is important to him, right now??

If he was horrible all the time you would not be with him. He will be just nioce enough for long enough to make you doubt what you are seeing. he will hope to put you back in your box coping just about and feeling like you are going quietly crazy. That is how it works....until it stops working on you, then he will be confused and you will need to be careful and safe as some men escalate their behaviours.

Children can and do love their parents whatever...however that does not make them good parents or great role models or even give them a healthy environment in which to grow. in fact the confusion of both loving and worrying over the parent makes for a very toxic mix indeed for children. One they can spend a lifetime remedying. This link www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html describes the effects of emotional abuse on the children

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