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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm tired and scared of the future

111 replies

2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 20:27

Dh is under huge amounts of stress and isn't coping. He hasn't been for a while (few months)
He has told me he is not in love with me but loves me more than anything in the world. He's so stressed that he is unsure if his feelings are true or not iyswim.
I had out 1st dc 5 weeks ago.
We moved to a city where I know no one when I was 36 weeks pregnant. Dh's feelings came Compleatly out of the blue for me. I though we were happy. Dh was and is not in control of his drinking and started drinking straight from work and not coming home. He wouldn't answer his phone and just abandoned me. This happened throught the pregnancy, when the baby was first born and now.
I've been living between here and my mums throught. I've come back to our home as a make or break get help or loose us. If he's struggling with issues then I'll stay and help him, if he doesn't want me but struggling to end it I'll do it for him.
I'm tired. I have a permanent headache and I'm so lonley and sad. I havnt spoken to anyone today and I know I won't tomorrow if dh doesn't come home. He won't sleep in my bed an I don't get kisses Ect. Im so tired. This isn't making sense I'm sorry, feel fre to link my old threads so it makes more sense. I just need someone to talk to. I need strength

OP posts:
Original poster
2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 20:31

There's so much more to this but I havnt for the strength to explain now I'm too tired. But I'm here living like dh's housemate waiting to see of his feelings for me come back as he deals with his stress. I spend most of my time on my own, because his job bUT he is out drinking a lot too when he could come home. I'm a mug I know, but I'm not sure I can leave. I'm too broken now. I haut want the man I married back. I don't Ben recognise him. I feel in shock.

OP posts:
midwife99 · 13/06/2012 20:34

Let me get this straight - you had a baby 5 weeks ago & HE'S struggling? HE'S drinking? HE'S not coming home? HE'S not sure if he's in love with you anymore but loves you more than anything in the world?!!!! Angry How dare he treat you & your baby like this! He is a pathetic man child who isn't number one right now so boo hoo! Take control love & leave his sorry arse! Go to mum's, switch phone off, make a claim through CSA for child maintenance & get on with looking after you & your little one, with people around you who love you.

Original poster
2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 20:36

I know your right. I'm so scared. My poor boy will never even remember living as a family. I feel weak. I'm just so tired

OP posts:
Original poster
2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 20:37

I left when the baby was just 2 weeks old. I've done it all by myself but I don't want to. No one and I mean no one in my family has ever separated. In so humiliated

OP posts:
poppycat04 · 13/06/2012 20:52

You shouldn't feel humiliated. You should feel proud of the way in which you're coping. Am sending a big hug.
Searched a couple of your previous threads, hope that's ok. Because, after spending time lurking on relationships, your OP was shouting OW at me...... Really hope I'm wrong, but see your H has form... Also see your MIL is bipolar, could be the stress of that..... But honestly your H needs to grow up fast and realise that you and your baby are the most important priorities right now. He is being v v selfish whatever is going on. Sad

midwife99 · 13/06/2012 20:52

Please don't be ashamed - this is his loss & shame not yours. Also if you take control you will be able to move on & enjoy your baby without worrying about whether he will ever change (he won't!)

poppycat04 · 13/06/2012 20:55

I'm hoping AF, HerHissyness and the other relationship heavyweights get here asap.... They are worth their weight in gold if you want serious advice x

AThingInYourLife · 13/06/2012 20:56

Go back to your mum. Seriously. This is no way to live.

Original poster
2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 20:59

No carry on searching it helps explain. No ow, 100% sure. Mental health problems very much in his family but IMO alot of selfish behaviour is excused by it. Not denying the illness exists. But for example if dh is stressed, needs help why not get the help? Why go out and show me so much disrespect and not work to make things better? Or is that the stress making him do that? I can't live like this. I have no one here. How do you start over with a baby? I could do it on my own but I'm scared of making the wrong desision for my son

OP posts:
poppycat04 · 13/06/2012 21:00

Have reread your post, am really sorry but am sure he's cheating..... Not coming home after work, turning phone off (when you're in late stages of pregnancy and living in new city...??) and he's done it before. SadSad

poppycat04 · 13/06/2012 21:02

My mum is bipolar, I get it Sad

Original poster
2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 21:03

I know af! We have disagreed in the past. I respect her opinions and defended dh. Thats why im so huniliated. I know what I gotta do deep down. I just can't bring myself to do it. I wish he did cheat, then at least I can get angry. I get angry when he doesn't come home. Pack and be in control. Then I see how broken he looks. How much he cries and how down he is and I think he deservs help. His family are shit. I'm scared he'll have no one. I know that's daft.

OP posts:
Original poster
2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 21:06

Poppycat if you don't mind me asking what impact dies your mum have on your life? Mil is like an atomic bomb going off at times. She doesn't care about dh. Not like a mother should in my opinion. It's heartbreaking and he deservs more and I don't understand how she can do some things that she does. Is it the illness? Is your mum like that?

OP posts:
poppycat04 · 13/06/2012 21:07

Got to go sort kids, will come back to thread when all quiet

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 13/06/2012 21:07

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope your DH gets the help he needs. However, as you have recently had your first baby (and congratulations!) you need to look after you and your wee one - could you move out for a bit to concentrate on yourself?

poppycat04 · 13/06/2012 21:08

And yes my mum is just like that Sad

Original poster
2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 21:11

I moved out for 3 weeks. He didn't change 1 thing. He didn't miss me or ask for me to come back. Says it all I guess. God we were so happy a few months ago. My son is amazing, how can he choose to miss out on him? How can you walk away from your child and wife? It makes me feel sick. He says I deserve better. Baby is great, house clean, home cooked food and I do it all in a full face of make up, tidy clothes and a smile! I don't understand

OP posts:
Pickles77 · 13/06/2012 21:12

Sweetie, you sound just how I feel but I've not had my baby yet. Please please go to your mums, he doesn't matter, you and your little baby are all that matters. One day he will realise what he's lost.
You deserve more than this, you can do it, you don't need him, it's better to be a mum on your own than in a situation like that. I hope your okay, maybe see your GP if your really not coping Wink

Original poster
2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 21:13

I'm scared dh has the illness. Dr said its stress but I'm still worried. I couldn't cope with it like he does with his mum. I'm sorry to hear that poppy. Maybe I've been a bit harsh on mil

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TheProvincialLady · 13/06/2012 21:14

IF there is any hope for your relationship, it lies in you leaving him right now and telling him that there may be some hope for you when he has stopped drinking, had counselling and shown some responsibility (financially and practially) for his wife and child. You cannot fix his problems and to be honest, staying with him and letting him have all these sorry little emotions about 'loving' you etc whilst treating you like this is just enabling him to keep on doing what he does.

YOU and your little baby deserve a whole lot better than this. You need to conserve your strength for the person who needs it, which is your baby not your husband.

foolonthehill · 13/06/2012 21:15

It really doesn't matter whether or not he's cheating with an OW, with his mates or on the bottle. The truth is that he is NOT stepping up to the plate as any worthwhile partner and dad would. His behaviour is selfish and unacceptable.

You are worth so much more. True love from anyone means that you are a team and if there are issues you work through them. this man has just removed himself from you emotionally and physically, never mind that he has completely ignored your child at this most special of times.

Ultimatum time. Get yourself out of there (or get him out of the house if you would rather), if it's good for you to be at your mum's then great...at least for this first few months you need support if possible.

If he has MH issues then he needs to seek help, no amount of care from you changes that, if he's crawling into a bottle ditto...you can't save him from himself.

You don't have to do more than this at the moment but I would set yourself a time of peace where you don;t wonder where you are going with him, grieve the relationship, love your baby. in 3 months time you will know that you can and will survive without him. And it will be so much better than living in this limbo of painful emotions not knowing what is going to happen. take some control for yourself and tell him he'll have to fight for you, not just expect you to be there if and when he feels like falling through the door.

also big big ((((hugs)))) because this is dreadful and painful. YOU WILL SURVIVE and IT WILL BE OK>

foolonthehill · 13/06/2012 21:20

^I moved out for 3 weeks. He didn't change 1 thing. He didn't miss me or ask for me to come back. Says it all I guess. God we were so happy a few months ago. My son is amazing, how can he choose to miss out on him? How can you walk away from your child and wife? It makes me feel sick. He says I deserve better. Baby is great, house clean, home cooked food and I do it all in a full face of make up, tidy clothes and a smile! I don't understand^

You are perfectly wonderful it is the man-child who is not, he will take all this for granted as his right if you keep on going back without him changing.

For what it is worth i have friends and rels who have all sorts of MH issues including bipolar disorders...he does not sound like them, at the moment.

AThingInYourLife · 13/06/2012 21:22

"He says I deserve better."

He's right.

Original poster
2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 21:25

Thank you. I know your all right. We rent so it doesn't make financial sense for dh to move out and leave me alone here. I could live at my patents and have more money for the baby and I. He really is amazing, my son. I just can't understand why you wouldn't fight for his sake even. We don't argue. It's not like we don't get on. We go for lunch together. Watch dvd's. Chat. But he says he doesn't feel what he should for me and sleeps in the living room? No fight. A real man would fight wouldn't he

OP posts:
Myheadmyworld · 13/06/2012 21:27

Op I agree with the above posters, being there really won't solve thing, as the saying goes you dont know what you've got till it gone... He can't miss u or want u if he knows u are there, he's going out because he's "not sure how he feels" and you are home IYSWIM give the ultimatum and leave if he's worth it he'll come back a better man if not good riddance. In the meantime which city are you in? If you want company I know a lot of lovely mumsnetters would love to have a cup of tea with you