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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm tired and scared of the future

111 replies

2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 20:27

Dh is under huge amounts of stress and isn't coping. He hasn't been for a while (few months)
He has told me he is not in love with me but loves me more than anything in the world. He's so stressed that he is unsure if his feelings are true or not iyswim.
I had out 1st dc 5 weeks ago.
We moved to a city where I know no one when I was 36 weeks pregnant. Dh's feelings came Compleatly out of the blue for me. I though we were happy. Dh was and is not in control of his drinking and started drinking straight from work and not coming home. He wouldn't answer his phone and just abandoned me. This happened throught the pregnancy, when the baby was first born and now.
I've been living between here and my mums throught. I've come back to our home as a make or break get help or loose us. If he's struggling with issues then I'll stay and help him, if he doesn't want me but struggling to end it I'll do it for him.
I'm tired. I have a permanent headache and I'm so lonley and sad. I havnt spoken to anyone today and I know I won't tomorrow if dh doesn't come home. He won't sleep in my bed an I don't get kisses Ect. Im so tired. This isn't making sense I'm sorry, feel fre to link my old threads so it makes more sense. I just need someone to talk to. I need strength

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2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 21:36

I'm in Birmingham. How would I sort access? I can't leave the baby with him as I don't trust him and the baby doesn't know him! I would have to be there and it would rip my heart out every time. I wish there were brave pills I could take. I don't even recognise myself. I was always getting in trouble for being feisty! The life and soul, confident. Yesterday someone asked about my son in the supermarket and I could only smile. I just want to hide or go back to my home town. I'm so angry about that. I would have to stay here so dh could see his son even though my support network (except amazing parents) are 2.5 hours away! I hate that I have to be responsible and he can do what he wants

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2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 21:45

I'm also scared my son will live my mum more than me. It's daft but she's fab. Whilst I do all the practical things like bottles Ect she plays with him. They play with him so I can get a bath Ect. It's all fun with them. Today she had him whilst I went to the hairdresser and he has been upset all afternoon and I've got it into my head that it's because he wants my mum not me. I'm so scared of loosing my baby. I feel like I'm loosing everything else.

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Myheadmyworld · 13/06/2012 21:45

Op I'm in London otherwise I would have loved to have met you and your lovely baby. Im never one to give "leave the bastard" advice on here because i do believe in trying however your dh is being selfish and you are vulnerable after having a baby this would knock anyones self esteem! You need good company at this time of your life, if you really can't bring yourself to leave just yet find a local breastfeeding support group if you are breastfeeding as they are great for meeting mums with babies the same age otherwise look for mum and baby groups.

Squeegle · 13/06/2012 21:46

Very sad for you. My DP (now ex) went a bit like this with our first baby, drank, didn't come home, answer phone etc.

I wasn't as sensible as you. I kept working hard to make it better even though it wasn't my fault.

You can't help him- only he can do that. Your job is to look after yourself and your baby. Yes, it is really sad, but you really can look after yourself now, please try not to waste your energies on trying to sort him (like I did- what a waste of time that was!)

Myheadmyworld · 13/06/2012 21:47

Baby always loves mummy best Wink trust me! besides hes 2 young 2 love anyone more than the other

animula · 13/06/2012 21:48

Was the house/flat you moved out of rented?
Was it rented in your name, his name, or both names?
Are you still at your parents'?
Are you on maternity leave at the moment, with a job to go back to or not?

My thinking is that you need a trial separation, at the very least. Ideally, you'd stay in the house/flat and he would find somewhere else. Unfortunately, you moving into your parents can seem a bit like you just going on a visit. That said, moving in with your parents isn't necessarily the end of the world if it means you get help, support, and can raise some money for independent living.

I think you do need to have a conversation with him, where you spell out what you and your child now need in terms of his support and behaviour. He isn't shaping up, for whatever reason, right now, and I think it might help you to make it absolutely clear to him that a relationship with you, as opposed to just hanging out with you and kvetching, requires a good deal of imput on his part. Or, frankly, it's not a relationship, is it?

Personally, I think you should think about a separation, and set a date a week, fortnight or month or so hence, where you get together and he either shows you what he has done to make a relationship plausible or you both decide you are separating - with all the shared commitment to your child that that requires, actually.

I know several men who have gone very pear-shaped with the appearance of a child. Some of them have, given the red-card, shaped up. Some haven't. some have seemed to, and then fallen apart later. I can't tell you which one of those he'll be. But I do think that you need to bring the situation you're in to an end as soon as possible - moving it to some clearer ground where you have control, rather than drifting along at the sidelines of his drama.

Obviously, if he's in a bad, traumatic place, this is very sad. It really is. But in that case he needs a friend, supporter, etc. He is not being what you, and your child, need. Unfortunate, but true.

animula · 13/06/2012 21:52

Why would you be financially worse off if he moved out? It really might be worth getting in touch with an organisation that can help with advice about benefits (Citizen's Advice Bureau). Even if you are working, there is still a good deal of help for single parents (thank god).

I'm a bit hazy on all the actual money things but friends who have had separation thrust upon them with a young child have sometimes mentioned the unexpected feeling of being financially better off. I wonder if that has something to do with autonomy, though.

animula · 13/06/2012 21:55

Oh, and don't feel humiliated about splitting up. When I look around at my friends who have split up I notice they have something in common - a very commendable quality of refusing to tolerate an infinite quantity of nonsense.

2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 22:02

Thank you. Everyone. The house is rented. Both our names but his the primary tenant. I'm on mat leave (stat) and rents in Birmingham are quiet high or in a rough area. Mum and dad have a big house in the countryside half an hour from here. Always got a stocked fridge and bottle of gin too! I get all my money paid into my account. Dh covers all bills and rent with his money. I could afford to take on a rent and although he would give me all he could I would still have more money to make this easy on the baby and I ( treats, visits toy home town to see friends) if I was at my parents.

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animula · 13/06/2012 22:27

Good luck, my dear. You know, there are several posters on mn who are proof positive that this is not the end of the world. Look out for them. Most of them are at least ten years forward of where you are now, and are busy having great lives. That's the great thing about mn - it really is full of lots of the life-wisdom that, on your own, without the story-swapping, it could take a life-time to accumulate on your own.

I hope you have a happier evening tonight.

And congratulations on your baby, too.

2wwmadness · 14/06/2012 03:15

He just came in. He's drunk. He had to stay in work late, which is plausible as this time of year he does. But he's drunk. Stinks of it, wobbling can't focus his eyes. So I recorded him on my phone. I'm gunna play it to him tomorrow and remind myself why I'm doing this again when I feel like I can't do it. I asked him if he went out. He says know he's been in work, but that's irrelevant. He didn't need to touch a drop of booze. If he was willing to make this work he wouldn't would he. We had the convo this morning about him not drinking. I called gunna failure as a father. That's not gunna help is it but it's true. I need to do this without shouting and screaming. I need to stay calm when all I wanna do is go in there and punch him. My wonderful husband. He's gone. God I loved that man, he would of been an incredible father. My poor son. I'm so hurt. Can stress do this to you? He didn't have to drink he made that choice didn't he?! Or is he struggling? Oh fuck I can't Beleive this.

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2wwmadness · 14/06/2012 03:16

Sorry bout the spelling. Shaking. It's all very real

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Rachaelboo · 14/06/2012 03:38

Are you okay?

Rachaelboo · 14/06/2012 03:40

He's turning to drink to escape something or he's perhaps might have someone, whichever one it is it is selfish.

midwife99 · 14/06/2012 06:31

Whatever the reason he is not being a husband & father & is behaving appallingly. You need looking after & I think you need to be with your parents for that to happen.

2wwmadness · 14/06/2012 06:44

Sorry fell aakeep

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rarebreed · 14/06/2012 06:51

Just seen this, hope you are ok this morning?

HerMajestyQueenHillyzabethII · 14/06/2012 06:58

I am really sorry, this will not be nice to read but this is what I think. I don't think your relationship is having problems because of his drinking. I think his drinking is happening because he wants out of the relationship, and he can't cope with the thought of being a responsible husband and father. Sad

I understand that you need to be able to make sense of why he is doing this to you but I don't think it's helpful to tell yourself that here is a man who has is struggling to love you and your child because he drinks too much and may have MH issues or stress.

I think the stress is caused by the fact that he has stopped loving you, and he is finding it impossible to just tell you straight and walk away. Because he knows that the timing is shit and he will look like a selfish, callous arse.

It sounds as though this has all happened since you became PG, so it's possible that your PG triggered some sort of fear in him of being trapped.

I am also not entirely convinced that there is not an OW. Going out and getting really pissed on a regular basis is one thing, but where on earth does he go when he doesn't come home? And how does he manage to hold down a job if he is doing this regularly? And the sleeping apart from you is a real red flag. A man who truly loves you but is just developing a drink problem would not feel the need to sleep apart from you, or to miss precious weeks of his new son's life . Sad

I think he is taking the coward's way out of leaving you - by paying lip service to still loving you, whilst making your life so intolerable that you are forced to make the decision for him. I don't doubt that he is very unhappy and feels guilty and confused etc etc, but right now he is behaving like a selfish prick and it would be kinder if he just told you straight that he wants out, instead of dragging you through this hell. I am so sorry. Sad

Myheadmyworld · 14/06/2012 07:14

Sad please just leave Hun, don't talk to him or rationalize it you can do that later. Just go and tell your parents the whole truth, ofcourse they will support you it will get easier from there

2wwmadness · 14/06/2012 09:50

I'm packing. I'm deverstated but I know I have to. All my dreams are shattered.

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Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 14/06/2012 10:01

Huge hugs xxx

Lemonylemon · 14/06/2012 10:03

OP: I was in this situation with my ex-DP. Eventually, I had to leave with our son who was 2.5yo at the time.

I echo what HerMaj said about him being a coward. That's exactly what my ex was like......

2wwmadness · 14/06/2012 10:15

Lemony are you ok? Is your son ok? In even concerned for dh's well being. I'm worried about him which is stupid. I feel like I'm standing at the bottom of a mountain that I need to climb and I'm exhausted already. He's texting now about how guilty he feels an he knows he's gunna regret this forever but he can't ask me for more time as its not fair. We were so happy this time last year. It would have been such a great family for my son to grow up in. Why isn't he working towards making us better. He just said he loves me. How?!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/06/2012 10:25

Your dreams may be shattered and you may be the only person in your family to be separated but, right now, your responsibility is to yourself and your baby. His problems are his problems. They are not your fault and you are not part of the solution.

If it's any reassurance, my son has had no resident father since birth and is now 12 yo. DS and his dad see each other quite ad hoc. It's very amicable and we all get along well but I look after my DS 100% of the time. He has plenty of other male role models in his life, some good friends and has a nice personality.

It is frustrating to be where you are now as well as heartbreaking because things have changed rapidly, it's not in your control and you're not going to get honest answers to the questions you're asking. You can waste more time trying to figure it all out or you can make the decision to make a life for yourself without him. I would strongly recommend the latter.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/06/2012 10:29

"He just said he loves me. How?!"

'I love you' is like 'I'm sorry'. Meaningless unless backed up by actions. His actions are saying 'good bye' and he's using 'I love you' as a shield to protect himself. Maybe he does feel guilty but so what? One day you will find out the truth of the situation but, in the meantime, go with what you know to be real and important.... not a man who wants to mess with your head.

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